Podcast E3: Women's Yearning for Connection

This talk, hosted by Mette Miriam Sloth, delves into women's longing for deep connection, particularly in intimate relationships, and how this yearning is often complicated by unresolved patterns from childhood and ancestral lineage. Anger emerges as a central theme, both as a defense mechanism and as a potential pathway to greater self-awareness and stronger relationships.

• Read more

  Connection, Vulnerability, and Anger

  • The Longing for Connection: Women possess a deep yearning for intimacy and connection. This longing, however, can become a source of pain when it encounters resistance in the form of unresolved patterns.

  • Anger as a Defense Mechanism: When women feel threatened, unseen, or unmet in a relationship, anger is often the first reaction. Mette encourages exploring this anger constructively by feeling it in the body and understanding its root, rather than suppressing it or directing it towards one's partner.

  • Vulnerability as the Key to Connection: Genuine connection requires vulnerability. Women must dare to show their wounds, even though it can be frightening due to the fear of rejection or abuse. Mette emphasizes that when a woman takes the initiative to re-establish connection after a conflict by expressing her vulnerability, it is healing for both partners.

  • Three Types of Anger: Mette identifies three primary sources of anger in relationships:

    • Childhood Trauma: Anger directed at a partner can be an expression of unresolved childhood trauma.

    • Collective Anger: Women may carry a collective anger stemming from historical oppression, which can be triggered in relationships.

    • Partner's "Off-ness": Anger can arise when a partner doesn't live up to their word, compromises their integrity, or attempts to manipulate the woman.

  Patterns, Manipulation, and Boundary Setting

  • Patterns from Childhood and Lineage: Mette points out that patterns from childhood and ancestral lineage play a crucial role in our relationships. Epigenetics is mentioned as a mechanism by which traumas and unresolved emotions can be inherited.

  • Manipulation vs. Boundary Setting: There is a critical difference between emotional manipulation and clear boundary setting. Manipulation involves attempting to get one's needs met without expressing them directly, while boundary setting involves communicating one's needs and limits clearly. What is perceived as manipulation by the partner can, in reality, be the woman's attempt to set boundaries.

  • Avoidance of Responsibility: Many women tend to avoid taking responsibility in conflicts. This is often due to an underlying fear of vulnerability.

  Men and the Feminine

  • Men's Challenges with Women's Anger: Many men struggle to handle women's anger and may react with defensiveness or rejection. Mette encourages men to view women's anger as a gift and an opportunity for growth.

  • Men's Longing for Women's Light: Men are nourished by women's joy and vibrant energy. They thrive when their female partner is happy and balanced, but often struggle to deal with difficult emotions.

  • The Feminine and the Masculine: These are fundamental energies that exist in all people, regardless of gender. In intimate relationships, there is often an interplay between these energies, where the woman seeks to surrender (feminine), while the man seeks to receive the surrender (masculine).

  Daily Life as Practice

  Mette encourages using daily life as an exercise in being mindful of one's emotions and reaction patterns in relationships. By observing and exploring one's feelings, one can become more aware of their patterns and gradually change them.

• English transcription

  Translated transcript of the original Danish podcast

  Host: Mette Miriam Sloth

  Welcome, everyone! I'm here again from the hotel, as some of you may know. And for others, maybe you're joining for the very first time. I'll wait a moment for more of you to arrive. It varies quite a bit how many join live, because you have the opportunity to participate and ask questions, but of course many people watch the recording later. So, we don't usually have as many attendees live compared to those who registered. Which is perfectly fine, because it's all about making it work for you. [Adjusting the camera] Just fiddling with the light and such. Always a little testing involved. So, right now I'm just stalling a bit, waiting for some people to confirm they can hear me. Now, there's one person online! For those of you joining, please let me know if you can see and hear me. I can see myself, so I assume someone can! It's just helpful to get the audio confirmed. If you could just leave a comment… and I'll adjust things here with the lighting. We tested it earlier, but you never know if there's static on the line. [Reading comment] "Can both see and hear." Wonderful!

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Great, fantastic. We have a connection! So, here's how it works: I'll chat for the first hour and a half, and then open it up for questions. So those of you who are here live have the opportunity to ask questions during that last half hour. Please, please use it! I know many have signed up. There's a delay on the sound... I can't see what the others are saying. It could be your connection. It's sometimes tricky, the connection between my end and yours at home. They both have to work together. I saw a little glitch on my end, it stuttered briefly, but it seems to be back now. So, if there's still a delay, let me know. Otherwise, try logging out and logging back in; that usually works. If you have any questions now, or if questions come up as we go, please jot them down. And hold off on asking them until the Q&A session, so they don't clutter the screen while I'm talking. Just note them down and use that half hour. I usually manage to get to most questions.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: It depends a little bit. It depends on how many people are participating. So, I usually cover all questions verbally. What happens is, if I don't get to a question, I'll go into the group later and answer it. So, one way or another, you'll get an answer. I don't think we have too many people joining today, so please, use the opportunity to ask questions if you have them. After we're done, I'll download the file. It's good to have used the opportunity to have been here live. It's not a problem for you on Facebook. You don't have to, you can stay in the group and watch the recording. But you'll also get it sent to you via e-mail, so it will arrive in your inbox later today. I need to download it, and then it will be on Mojo, which is a little like YouTube. You'll get a link, and there's a password, and you can watch it as many times as you like. So there is no time limit on that. Maybe at some point I'll completely change my business and it will be shut down. But that's way out in the future.

  Speaker 3: Good.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: [Pause] Just checking for messages about audio, but nothing. So, I'll just get started. This talk, titled "Woman, Know Your Relationship," is really about diving deeper into some of the themes I explore in my new book, which came out in May. "Conversation with My Imaginary Daughter." It's a bit different from my other two books, which are very focused on children, attachment, and emotional development. This book touches on those themes, but instead of children, it looks at what happens to adults in relationships, especially with our intimate partners. Because many of the things that arise in our close relationships share similar patterns. Of course, there are differences between intimate relationships and our relationships with our children. But some of the same dynamics play out in conflicts, when we withdraw, when we're hurt, when we get anxious, when we can't feel the connection between us. It's often very similar. That's also why I started offering couple's counseling, like a form of couples therapy, though I'm not a classical couples therapist.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: I have my own way of approaching things. What I do when I advise couples is really to focus on what's happening, the relational and emotional dynamic in the connection. Because some of it is the same as when we struggle in our relationships with our children. It's what happens when we have these challenges in our relationships. And it's really because many of our defense mechanisms pop up. And when they do, it can get a little tricky. The way our biology is set up: We are consciousness inhabiting a mammalian body. It can be a bit awkward because when you get stressed, your survival mechanisms are simply wired to kick in. You don't have to feel especially pressured. It doesn't have to be something physical out in the world. It can simply be if you feel threatened in the relationship with your partner. If you feel threatened in the relationship with your partner, then those defense mechanisms bubble up. I see it as either going on the attack, running away, or freezing.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: That's really how it is. Those are basically the three forms of reaction that lie within humans when we have to defend ourselves. Ideally, we would only use these – attack, run, or freeze – when we are so pressed that it's necessary. When I feel threatened for my life, or a stranger attacks me. That's where we should use these. But there can be so much in our upbringing. There can be a lot that we didn't get seen and met in as children. Looking back on how we've met children through generations… I describe this a bit. I touch upon it in my first book, Harmonious Children, where I read up on how we have met children from way back. There are historical documents. I tried to figure out how have people met children throughout time? And it was very difficult to find because it hasn't been described so much. But when we looked at it, a historian named Lloyd DeMause spent his life examining it. What happened when he looked at this was that he found out...

  Mette Miriam Sloth: We have actually treated children quite horribly until very recently. And the fact that how we've met children in history also has an impact on how you and I are today. We call it a bit... scientifically, we call it epigenetics. What are the behaviors that were used to meeting children in the past, and how those can settle as behavioral forms in our own life. Shamanism also works with this in relation to how can we thereby break the link to the themes of our ancestors? And that's the thing, you will also experience this in your own family history. There will be some themes that seem to repeat. It can be some problematic relationships. It can be addiction issues. It can be various things that actually make it a bit awkward and difficult to be present in life and enjoy it. And also, it can be difficult to handle conflicts in intimate relationships. It's actually something that we, as a species, aren't very good at. We are a very young species, and it can be challenging to be in the moment, it can be challenging to handle what comes up in intimate relationships with intimacy and intimacy with others, so intimacy I also mean being close with family and also with children.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Those are actually the relationships that are the most difficult for everyone. I don't know anyone who doesn't struggle here in one way or another. It's also where we experience the most love. Where we can feel the closest and most connected. But it's also where it hurts the most when we feel disconnect. When we feel in some way not connected, or when we frequently fall into conflict. So, it's a huge paradox that those we love the most are also the ones we clash with most often. It's enormously painful for us. And it's a nut that's a bit difficult to crack. It doesn't mean we can't crack it. And with that, I don't mean we can get to a place where we don't have any conflicts because as long as we can go down into one's body. Then at some point, one will fall into a disagreement. It's actually difficult to live with diversity from humans.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Therefore what is most important is how one can be able to work the conflict and differences that may arise, and find a way to bring one's peace in any disagreements. One is bound to one's own thought and feelings. Therefore, you will be able to come up with a state where you are never in conflict. The important thing is to remember is how one can work around those conflicts, how you find the understanding so that everything does not land on you so deeply.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: I will take a look and also talk about our children because it will be more targeted towards certain audiences for those who would like to know more about this specific theme that may apply to one or more of your children. Our kids trigger our own behavior based on certain patterns. And also our fears may also be influenced by a certain trigger, so the trick is to get to know yourself more, find out what is going on with your children, and also go through your own ancestral roots and find those connections to get to know yourself more. However, that is not said that it is completely avoidable because there will come a time that we can not completely avoid. What I want to say today is how do we get to work with this certain relationship that is intimate, with love and sex?

  Mette Miriam Sloth: The thing is that those who only stop and do not establish any boundaries, do not commit to one another, things will not work out because you need commitment if you are going to be sharing love with one another. If not, you will eventually just separate from one another and there will be no communication between one another. Things will never get settled. And how can we establish love and commitment when we are dealing with love and sex? Those who establish the commitment between one another will eventually lead to having kids, getting married, and also raising bonus kids. And here you will find those situations, you will experience being pressed. If you have your boundaries laid out and the communication will be able to be understood, then this will be a healthy relationship for both parties. If not, then things will be more difficult, because if one side has to put up with one another, then there will be no peace in any relationships at all. And a question can come up saying is there a right or wrong way to live the way you want? If you are both happy and there is love between each other, then the relationship will work. There will still be misunderstandings and arguments, but if there is love and respect, then it can work out. The problem with a love-and-sex relationship is that it will never reach to a level that cannot be reached and you will always be at an uncomfortable state.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Conflicts can become like a traumatizing aspect, so how you choose to work to avoid those traumatizing things is important. There will be something that is traumatizing if that traumatization is there. So, it all depends on what kind of road you choose and how you choose to work things out. In the intimate part of the relationship and the trauma is more likely from what is missing, in terms of the trauma.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Example when one gets really close with one another one may miss out something or not establish a true connection and it will be more likely from what you have experienced in the past. And one that wrote a book about those who fall in love with the wrong person. I am an agreement with how those can be traumatic and there is trauma on one side but trauma can be on the side where it is all for solving. With all those connections, you will always have pain from that side.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: When the love becomes true and feels so real, then you will find it being difficult to handle. All the great emotions will start to fade away. A partner can do and say different things, however those things can trigger some events. The different mechanisms from how the people function and what drives them. So what will drive the actions and what are the defenses from their system. So, we all have these defense mechanisms that have those intuitions that the people may use. Also these can become a design from the past based on an experience. There will be different experiences for both based on who they are. There is something that is being seen that happens and there will be an anger.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: You will have some defense in those moments based on your knowledge and your past. Something in play that will have anger in the system. And based on that anger, there are different things from the system based on those people.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Defenses can also give a bad experience, for example, something that happens to the body. And we call all those problems and bad encounters as our own problems. It is us that is in the wrong, however we have to understand that this is all part of our own constitution. People always compromise themselves because of the want that they are wanting.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Those problems are how we are being manipulated and if there is an emotion that comes in to play. If we are being emotionally manipulated then something bad is going to happen to our mind. The good part to all of this and what is happening is all those problems that is happening to us is that we are giving a clean to our life to what is happening around us. The biggest thing to do is to bring those cleaning out.

  Note: I will continue translating from this point if you would like, just send the rest of the transcript! I’ve aimed to capture Mette Miriam's speaking style and the core message about understanding and working with relationship dynamics. The tone is meant to be encouraging, insightful, and grounded in practical experience.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Pent-up aggression has to come out. It simply must. If it can't come out directly, you have to find other ways. That's one reason why many women actually have a very hard time setting boundaries. We can more easily set boundaries when we dare to show direct aggression and say, "Stop!" But for many women, when they do that, they become deeply uncertain afterward. "Was I justified in damaging the relationship? Am I even allowed? Did I overreact? Was I too harsh?" So many women find this incredibly difficult. Setting boundaries in intimate relationships can be extremely challenging. Part of that is cultural conditioning. The other part has to do with how our neurotransmitters and hormones function as women. You see, when I, as a woman, get stressed in a relationship that I want to maintain, along with my stress hormones, I also produce oxytocin, which is a bonding hormone. I have a deep hunger to secure the connection. Evolutionary psychologists and biologists hypothesize that it’s possibly been evolutionarily advantageous for women, throughout our long evolutionary history, to be conflict mediators. To reduce potential violence.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: So you can say, we can both have enormous strength in being able to re-establish connections, take the discussion to mend fences. In most women will be a great hunger to be sure we're okay. For many women, it's really, really uncomfortable if there's an unresolved conflict. It can be incredibly disgusting for many women. Side effect may just be that sometimes it is actually necessary to say this far and no further, and just come up with a flash of anger and say stop back then, fuck off and slip it there without a lot of thought about because it had its function there. You're over the line. I have to shout out loud, for you don't hear it. This far and no further. And therefore, so we can balance, because sometimes it actually requires that we can see that he is caught in his own shit. And that we reach out and connect, and we can assist the person. Other times so we actually have to make a very significant for the person to feel it, and then we may be able to re-establish. It also requires that we can tell the difference of what's what. Because sometimes it's also ourselves that caused the conflict, because we came to put our material on our partner, who desperately for our manipulation strike out, because it's uncomfortable here.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: You've already seen a lot of ways to connect to a person who is going through a difficult, difficult time. You can do this by showing kindness. And you will see the good in a person that is going through. If you do not show any of the qualities then it will be difficult for the person to establish the relationship. If this is to the man, because this is a man we can also talk to the girls and can also establish a relationship because this is what needs to happen because without any of this, we can not create a community that we can trust.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: That he has the right to be upset to go He's entitled to say it There I want what I want. It's also why therefore, you're obliged and be pretty sharp in relation to the way to tell the difference in these interactions. What's what? What have I created? Where I'm trying to force him to behave in a way that's crazy uncomfortable for him, when he actually say from When is it that he does something to me? Where I say from where he's not? Obs where he does not see me so I actually entitled the rage his way. I'll try to define it as you may look overwhelming and his feelings three ways You can You can try to test it in your relationships in your relationship, because you could say that the anger has a bit of three different forms One can come out of three different reasons or main reasons, and that is the one reason When you get mad at your partner, so it may be because he awakened something he said or did, which has awakened something from your childhood.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: It says Let's say you've had a father who was very absent. It. That's how it is for many women. Many women and I've even experienced it also. Many women tell me that either their father has not been there physically, or he has not been there mentally and such thing. A lot has been for too many dependencies or has been a lot of work or on the other way. And it does not have to mean that if I asked the individual fathers, they would surely a large majority of them would come and say I feel love to my daughter. The things that has been made from your upbringing, it will have effect on how you will do as a father, to nurture and establish a relationship that is strong for both. If we look back at the past, people did not use to have a father that was very established. The good thing with today's current situations, is that a person tries to be the opposite of what the parent was at the time. The connection that the parents are establishing in one another is so beautiful. So those who can establish those connections, will have the key and will become more of themselves.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: The one that gets put in a cage and can never feel their feelings. However, these can never be the key to unlocking what they want. So the importance of communication and the understanding of feelings. A parent is not the parent however. You can also come up with an intimate. So to those who are with her in an intimate relationship. She has an issue that comes up. So because of her past and the things and emotions that she has not been able to unlock. She gets those triggers up, and they always come up over and over again. So this always can never be done.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: With whom you're with now, you never be the same and never work on your emotions because it does not work like that. Self. He's not a tank reader, there are lots of. This causes misunderstandings between those partners. The different views that men and women have. This is a long topic, as it touches on different parameters for the many different people. So if you can see a lot, something is up.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: If it never gets done or even get a feeling of someone being disappointed it goes bad because there are some aspects of the person and that is. And he can not see it. The first step to understanding. Most women have a true connection and understanding, with their partner and everything. It's about taking the time to understand the connections, and it may not be with everyone. A person will never have the same value as one another. It just takes time.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Most of us is best to have a focus on a partner that we would like to establish a deep relationship with. With those relations, we would be in one another's lives and will be living the connections one another as time progresses. I have a good time to put words on it that I took time to understand why I why did i not felt seen i will quick to get bored, and why i quic to resist. Therefore, that person may become a bit of a person and that is okay. It is not like those people are to be forced into a position and that we did not get a chance to look with them at it.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: The fact that it is also for their personal benefit is not known to all. People think that these problems are going to go away, but they are not the reason why we may tend to go back in. It is not their problem, it is our own. I got to be able to be a partner, and I needed to connect and talk to my partners from the past, because I could use those experiences to further and build relationships with new ones. There is also that understanding to why people need to vent. It is good and fine. There is nothing that is wrong with wanting to get those feelings out, even if they come out as something aggressive. It can easily be a good and easy relationship and communication.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Why, what's wrong? No, what's wrong. Death and men, they're getting very confused. They are getting enormously upset when we end up in this cold. It's incredibly awkward for them, 'cause they don't know what to do with it, and it's to be a bit of a pain in the ass, as we do, is to connect becomes cold. There is nothing with coal that can connect with that, so here's more with that when we end up the in place where is cold, cold coal, which we have down underneath and feel some and rage, so there's that like this three. I you is. So when you have ended in cold, so a of thumb rule, so we'll see it, it's stagnant energy. There's ice age as a is blocks. Under that there is a bubbling anger and a huge anger over not feeling you'd feel caught out and you wonder about what you want. In that relationship, there's pain and anguish.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: It is also good. You can go through life and not have any relationships at all.

  Okay, here's where we take a look at how we are to establish relationships. To see where we go with one another. Can we understand? Maybe we have different views on it. Right now, for this partnership. They will avoid to establish a new one. I don't think the relationship should go to where we used to be. But what happens with the relationship. Is this the connection we should have. And it will tell us how we need to express ourselves to one another. You need the support to know where to go and get the answers. The greatest weapon there is. And so there are things we will need to say to one another and not hide it.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: With any of you that do. So we'll get anger and the anger on the end. Things will occur, and it must come to that moment, those moments need to come to the surface, and people have become aware and it is important that we go further. And it comes for the love of a relationship that would lead to a relationship.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: The ones for the transformation they say what kind of person will you be and it comes for many that we will have an action. It is always great to have a good energy and a good energy in terms of having the ability to do anything with anyone at anytime. In it's all the right energy. There it is also what is what kind of energy will you need to go through because we all have different lives.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Here it is with anger. I feel an anger. Then after you put out the person. Make the person feel that's you did something wrong. The one that is in that situation needs the support. It's up to the parents to show them. Then the kids will grow to understand and do that as well. It's how things will become better is to let all the emotions out.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Maybe he came to say something that actually is disrespectful for what actually is. But he just doesn't realize it, because there he's a little… There, he may have been a product of a culture that hasn't been… There hasn't been an evil intention in it. He didn't want to be intrusive at all, but because we are also raised by the struggle that has been between the sexes for millennia. And therefore, when you… When you come back with a vulnerability, it should be phrased, "That what you said did that, which all this in me, which of course isn't your responsibility alone, but it's just to tell you how it works for me as a woman when you say something like that or that tone," because that would make him receptive to trying to understand you. So, in that way, you also take it yourself. It's because sometimes your partner will do something… I mean, when he directs his shit at you, just like you sometimes come to legally direct your shit at him, you'll feel it. The more you develop these different competencies, emotional competencies in relation with your partner, where you constantly find the investigation interesting and nice with this feeling, what is this about? You become so curious about your reaction, emotional reaction patterns in the relationship and taste them and get to know them.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Learn to turn your gaze down into the body. Invite them in. And then in this way, like, learn the different students in it. Here you'll also be able to feel when he's off. You'll be able to feel when he's caught in his wound, in his wounds from childhood. You'll be able to feel when he's… When he's caught in something where he's trying to manipulate you to cover his needs, which he's not aware of. And it will, when he… When he… talks, is out of integrity. You know, when he's just talking about something, you know, you're talking about it, you'll never act on it, or whatever. You can feel it, and it actually comes as such… A very clear anger comes as such, okay, I'm actually ready… I have one, and you just want to express it. You just want to say no, you have to figure it out, and that's it… Actually, that's actually the easiest, and the expression that often happens is that he, we then think we have to give him a solution. "Hey, now you're catching your childhood. I'll get it right away… I'll just book an appointment with a psychologist so you can get it fixed." Or, you know, we buy a lot of books for him, and we do something. And what you really just need to know here is that you have a very sharp instinct for feeling when he's up in a woman.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: In the feminine lies there enormous… Enormously good at sniffing out this. It requires, of course, that we take care of those aspects in ourselves that are our own, and that we have received from our family… Our culture, which is not his to take care of. But the more you become, the sharper you become on that it tastes different. You'll see there's a greater charm. The anger takes… tastes different depending on whether they've pressed something for your childhood, whether it's something in a collective unconscious, or whether it's something… No, it's him up there. It is he who is trying to get you to take care of it unconsciously. He doesn't do it typically. It is very rarely conscious, and you can… Actually, it's precisely this thing about learning women to snarl and actually just express anger… Or just, no, it's not my DNA. I'll figure it out myself. And that's really just it. You just have to say it, just no, that, I don't bother. End of story. Figure it out yourself, and then go to what he says. Where was it just, and how often was it? Was it the way I spoke? It was just… It's a wrong conclusion. You have to go back to the drawing board, figure it out yourself, and this is so important, that you actually let him figure it out himself, because the moment you come to take control in finding answers there for him.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: It's a dynamic thing, as soon as it's the same as… As when people come to get help and advice from me. I have to… I can well give them a lot of peace. I can well give them advice depending on what they come with about men. But in terms of choosing which advice to put into play and how, I have to… A hundred percent slip, because that control needs to be the individual's. We have a free will in relation to whether we want to go down new paths or not. And it's something with having enormous respect for it. But therefore, you can well express it. You can well express what you experience to say No, niks, that's not going to be that. That's going to be your own take to me. And it can precisely be, it can be some low-practical things such as I think many women have encountered. It knows, there's some practical thing. There's like some one's partner invited to some birthday with something where you don't have to come yourself. It must end up with some… with some friends, and you insist on buying for him… He goes in to buy a gift, and then because it hasn't been important to him, so he hasn't taken care of it.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: So on the day where he has to be at the birthday, he hasn't gotten to act on it, because he hasn't just… He hasn't just thought about it, and here the most right would be… Was okay… Shit, I haven't gotten that resolved. It's damned unchecked. Now I go out and fix it or two. I must take the crap. I must just invite him out to some bars, and then I must take the crap over that I have been so unchecked by. So you take responsibility yourself, for you act unchecked. What can sometimes… Can come to happen because woman and piss good project manager it is sometimes so, we get pressed in a way like this piss rude. Is it unchecked that we come to do it for them and therefore… Sometimes so, men also unconsciously come to enjoy it a little too much, so that they know they try a little in between. But if I now take the kids, you should just go out and buy… But you can well do that for me. You're good just go out and buy that gift for me. It would not help me. So would you help me. You can come…

  Mette Miriam Sloth: It can come from a place, and it's there, if you can feel you feel a pressure. You feel a pressure as if… As if you're being done wrong, because that he hasn't stood by his word, because he has talked his… He has… He has not kept his own schedule. He's bound ground falling out of his integrity, and that's what the art is. Actually to hold it and say that this is it… Don't bother this tonight, but now you have to set the word out that you have had all week. You have done week skid. And it is precisely that with peace and just to say like this you can precisely say… It's not mine, your friend, your gift. And sometimes it happens, and it also happens in the opposite sign. It is that, it has in any case, even experienced on this journey, who in your time partner, where I have become more spitze in what I want to be with, what I don't want to be with and in the highest degree also has become much better to take responsibility for… My own shit, it's that it's not very nice, and it's not nice for a man to be suffocated by his woman. It's not nice for a man when she looks at him and says to him indirectly… Right now, you actually have… You haven't lived up to your own word.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Are you ready on U6? Because it's actually super unsex that. The majority of women turn on the man's integrity. Among other things, this thing about that he actually does and does it… He says that he has control of… He has control of… He has control of his shit. It's enormous. And the reason it's such a huge sinner… Finds it, because it is enormously confidence-building, and it creates enormous security. And security is really important for the woman to surrender sexually. Therefore, women also typically look at whether men have many integrity and outcomes. Are there too many of them? It's because then they have to take care of our bodies, and we can't really let anyone penetrate into our bodies, that we don't trust. And so because it is not safe for us. And it shouldn't be safe for us, so therefore we can well sometimes seem to be so a little pernitten about whether he now has remembered to buy those potatoes with home, which he has promised. At the bottom line, so there is something here, where we just wave in the wind. Can I… Can lean myself into you? Can I… Can count on you have me? Or are you too quickly manipulated out into everything else, so that your presence disappears like this? But actually sometimes… Something of the most difficult for men is to keep his presence focused directed towards a woman.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: And it is often and often woman's deepest longing, that the man actually can keep his presence, that she is chosen, and that he actually thereby consciously fravælger a lot of things that pull him in all directions, and he actually sends his focus… Her way. It's a dynamic thing, often between the masculine and the feminine, which I write much more about in the book. But masculine feminine it's not man, woman. Masculine, feminine and basic energies, which both sexes can tap into. So it's just to say that the energies are not personified in gender and it is a big mistake. When we end up there and believe it, then they become enormously artificial. Typically, when we women are feminine and masculine out and see it as… As basic energies that have nothing as such to do with gender, but which the genders are more or less identified with, so it becomes… Then they can actually be enormously good signpost in relation to understanding many of these dynamics that unfold between the sexes and in relationships and actually also independent of sexual orientation. So there is something here in relation to the man… It is actually a huge gift you give him when you say, that that with the gift, where he knows where he has fallen off on it, he knows, you are typically better at finding something and gets made a card. You get packaged nicely and he plays a little around.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: He has just stood there by, and then he tries to wipe it off on you, if he says You bother to rather just help. And why aren't you just a little more flexible and knows all possible? I have helped you with such a thing, but the best actually… You can assert to say this you have yourself gotten created. You could yourself fix it you not gotten done. Let be to mix me in it clear yourself. And it's actually really, really awkward. But has often my friends where they go a little to each other, and they a little press each other, and there is one it is something quite different and be pressed by a man. Typically for a man, and it, I have heard so many men say, that it is crazy awkward when the woman sees his softguns, or you know, his outcomes, because he feels enormously naked in it, and also because he in his instinct and knows that when she has that eye on him, that she actually just doubts whether she can rely on him even by small outcomes. That it does actually… It actually affects her sexual desire for him, and it he knows well. He knows it perhaps not in words, but he knows it his instincts, so therefore he feels enormously exposed when you as woman get eyes on his holes. It is actually crazy awkward for him.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: It's a huge gift, and I would say, the mature man takes against it with kissing hand, because his mother usually will often say my woman sees my project before I even see it myself. And it's so cool. It does so fucking sore, and it's so cool that she gives me that gift, because this can develop me. But it takes a little a step to get there, so now I can well be together with a partner who absolutely doesn't think that it's nice to take against it. And he will kick in the net like something. But it is a legitimate feeling when someone… And then you feel you just want to say yes, and then figure it out yourself. I move me, and then it's released. You use really a lot of gunpowder on it, and then you must just sail straight in this case. It does not mean, that you do not help him in other situations, but in this situation, there he must himself take responsibility for it. So there where you typically experience this such desire to say figure it out yourself. It's typically in situations where you think he's immature, I mean, where you think you're 48 and you behave yourself a little like a 17 year old. It is not very sexed, and it's not the words you say to him, but you exhibit with your body language. That there you must manage yourself, and then he has a total discomfort.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: And when you, when he is finished to sit and whine over the corner and takes responsibility, then have your respect. Then there is soon… Then you come back again, and then he can come… And can you found me right, it was piss unchecked. Thanks for you said it. And you know just when I was so a little my darling and so back again. So it's the three anger, slag and anger can come up in many different forms. Or so many forms there is not… But I would say, that it's these three, I have… I see most, I both have seen most in myself, and I see in many of the women I help, and it is a place you can start with by using the everyday as your life practice. It is simply by observing your anger and especially when it hides. It can well be you experience it hides under this ice block, that it lies here under, and there it is actually about that you dare to invite the anger in and become good friends with the anger. And it can… It can well be beneficial to do it with an adviser and a therapist on the sidelines, because it can well be overwhelming for your system, especially if you have had nedlukning. If you have been forced out in nedlukning too many times, when you were child, then it can well be quite violent.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: For you to be with the anger. Because that your system actually tries to protect you against anger, so it may be that you can get help from such one as me, or has others who work with people in relation to just want to learn and get some tools? How do I learn to be with anger? Why is it that I react so violently on it? One comes down on this ice block, and how do I learn further written? They must distinguish these different states, so I best possible can take responsibility for what is mine, and also can learn to say from in situations where I actually have an enormous gift to give to my partner, because it to mark a grænse. A setting is a huge gift and says no, that there, it is not mine. It is your own to take care of. It's actually even though it feels uncomfortable in the situation for both you and typically also him. So it is actually a huge love gift for it, what happens, when we come to take an over responsibility for each other, which we all have a tendency to. I have in the highest degree a tendency to it also in relation to my partner, and it has required much for me to learn this thing with not to take dog responsibility. It is actually, when you come to take an over responsibility, if you always are the one who clears up after him and goes out and buy gifts, when he forgets it and everything else, so fixed-holdes he in immaturity, and you will be the same, if he always avoided what was difficult, for that you should not end up in a painful feeling.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: It says that he ensured one never anyone body, if you could have something by. I mean, if we constantly try to go without round it, what makes sore, then we get actually fixed-held the pattern, that was, when it started. So it's constantly a balance course between… But when we… When we complain, so yes, something of it is traumatizing or legally traumatizing. But there is a huge redeeming potential in relation to learning themselves better and in relation to getting released some enormous creative energy, which always seems… Or seems, which seems to be under these different wounds, which we all have with. Because this project with to get the consciousness out in its mammal body. It's just not easy. As in at all. The clock has become half past eleven, and I'm actually fairly sure checks just my notes, but I think actually I'm more or less gotten around what I wanted to talk about today. Yes, because it was especially the three anger slag, which you can practice you in. It gives reason to, that you can start it, and you can also start with other feelings. It is that anger… When you're caught in conflict, so will anger be, that it will arise.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: For that delimitation, and anger is typically difficult for us people to handle. We know actually not completely how we must work with her, and therefore it can be a really good place for you to start. What the hell is happening just? And do I feel at all anger? How do I have it with anger? Do I feel ice blocks? What the hell lies there under? So… It is the typical place, which where you can move you quite quickly. It can also well be you experience, you have a buldrende anger, where you often have to go out and clear up afterwards, because it perhaps sometimes runs out of you. It is the opposite pole to, if it is an ice block, where it perhaps sometimes became expressed a little too strongly and a little too quickly and becomes too quickly activated and comes too much out over people. That can one also work with, and it does not mean, that you must suppress the anger. It means actually just, that you must learn to handle anger. See her on a little different way and just get built some breaks in and know when must I use her, and how must I use her, when I feel her on ways, where I don't have a desire to pour her over on other people? So in that way one can work with anger in many ways, depending on how it comes to view in you. So much depends on, who you are, your genetics, your age and in the highest degree how you were… Were met in childhood also, and it is also something, which I will be able to help you with to put in your system, or there are also many other talented people, who can help you with.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: So have you need for help underway, so it can be fine to have have have have a human as, which can help you on the road will hold up. So yes, it was that, and as a quick listener has experienced is that now it's time for questions. It is it namely for now, and there is a question here. So which of you there has questions within you use the time? So you may well please send questions that in now and so go in to start. Now comes my… My big pegefingre just here, and it does it not the question. My partner claims, that I have a ansvarsfralæggelse. Language There is never anything that is my fault. After many, many years together, I can now begin to see it. But I don't understand why, other than I can see that my mother does exactly the same. What can I do to check myself in conflicts to counteract it? Yes, and it is a very typical pattern and ansvarsfralæggelse. Language… It is it, what he perhaps experiences. It can be this here with, that he could imagine that he perhaps says such. It is never you who comes and says sorry.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: You mean always it is my fault. I can not see that you ever take responsibility for anything of this in our conflicts. And that there with you say, that it is very typical… You say, that your mother has it typically is typically a defense you have learned, and now I can not… Now you know not precisely as you have it, but that there can be very typical for this pattern is that very often, if one has that ansvarsfralæggelse, that it is difficult for one to go back and see his own responsibility. There can actually be a very big discomfort in conflicts. I mean, conflicts can actually be so overwhelming that it feels as if that one almost closes completely down and optræk to conflict. And itself it to feel one becomes so overwhelmed, does that one seems that it is the other, that presses themselves down over one, and therefore one seems constantly it is the other, that presses. So therefore, it feels as if I have a right to say that you press me. So when? How can I take responsibility for something? When you press me, so it is well by you, it must lie. But it is very typical, that it is something, we have inherited, because that, what happens in childhood, it is that we go as children and observe how our parents konflikthåndtering and so we adopt actually their strategies or lack of same.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: And it does not mean… That is, you can well have have experienced much, that your parents have had enormous violent anger outbursts, where you as parent for your own children will you… I refuse. I refuse to ryge out in violent anger, but then will you still have a problem with anger, so it will say, you actually should learn and get… So you must actually someone to jump over in the other pole, where your children can not feel, because you constantly think… There must not be any anger, because it is so damaging, and it means actually something to press the anger down in the cellar. And then it can be enormously difficult to handle your children's anger, because they will not jump wildly. Sometimes becomes anger, so in that way, so aborts I actually incorporate we the conflict patterns, which our parents have had, and therefore it is quite classic, that you have seen your mother do such, and therefore you have done the same. And it is you just as that way, you can… You can… You can practice it on, there can be… There can be deep within you a conviction about, that if I come and show vulnerability, if I come and say yes, sorry, I can actually well see… I can also well see, that it had I actually also responsibility for. If you come in vulnerability and say it to your partner, that you are enormously afraid to be mocked, to be made to feel ashamed, to be scolded, not to be seen, not to be met, or that its vulnerability will be used against you.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: It is it, I hear by really many, and I have myself had that pattern… Also something which I have learned from home. And it is exactly the feelings, I have pulled in myself in relation to… Why is it that so difficult for me? And to go back and to say yes, okay, I overreagerer maybe also a little there or not… Where became I afraid you left me? What had I a desire to leave you for? It became so tricked actually to put words on my vulnerability in relation to my partner. And therefore think you perhaps something, you can recognize. And it is in any case some feelings, you can begin to get acquainted with, because within under it, what typically happens in… When one in its language constantly would stay with it… Was that the reason for I said such, was because you shouted such and the reason for that the head ended up, because we kept on to turn it back. It is ok, if there is something seductive in it to be angry. There is also something seductive in to make it to the other's responsibility, because we even… So we do not need to take responsibility for our own, but it also… Typically, I would actually say it is about something else.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: It typically revolves around a vulnerability that, deep down, we feel compelled to protect. Something very difficult to confront. I don't know your upbringing, and I don't know how your mother was treated by men in general, and if she felt her vulnerability was abused. And that became something to protect. Because often, I'd say that it seems to be the root of constantly saying, "It's your fault, it's your fault," because I'm so afraid that if I open up and show you my vulnerability, it will be ridiculed and shamed. And that may not be the case at all. But it can be so deeply ingrained that we keep pushing things away from us.

  So, in such a situation, I would ask more about what it's like to be vulnerable, and what it's like for you to come from a vulnerable place and let your partner in on your vulnerability. And if that's a recurring theme, it would make a lot of sense in relation to the pattern and in terms of starting to work on it. You can do this: when you sense these things in the relationship, and you feel the need... You'll sense them quite quickly. You can feel the need and the prelude to it quite quickly. Get him to correct course, to stop that critical flow, which will probably hit you very unpleasantly inside. And therefore, you might end up turning up your rhetoric and your harshness to push him away because you feel he's intruding into your field in an unpleasant way, and he might not be doing that at all.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: But it could also be that you have inherited your mother's fear of something that, for one reason or another, she wasn't able to release. That's what I mean by the epigenetic aspect. So it doesn't necessarily have to be your theme as such. But it can be in your lineage, and I've certainly experienced this myself. It wasn't necessarily my issue, but I could see how things in the relationship made things difficult, because of my parents, why there was that pressure there.

  So, the art is: when you're in that situation, go against the impulse to constantly throw things at him verbally, and instead say, "Stop." That makes him the problem. And if the train has already left the station with you, then just say to him, "Right now, I'm so overwhelmed that I can feel my only impulse is to make you more and more wrong. I need to move away. I'm not leaving you. I just need to move away and sit with this alone."

  Mette Miriam Sloth: "I'll come back to you." And then you do just that. You turn away from the situation, and then you actually go down and feel into the anger. And in that anger, there's thought-spinning. There's typically a thought, your narrative about... "He always does everything, and he's always done this..." "He doesn't see or meet me." There will be all sorts of thoughts that keep flying around. This anger about why he's the problem. And you actually need to dig deeper than you're trying to avoid. Ditch the thoughts and feel down into the body, feel where the anger sits in the body. You might feel it in the solar plexus. It might be very unpleasant for you. And then, at some point, if you sit there long enough and feel it and invite it in, then it's more about... At some point, you'll come down to the sorrow. And there might be... There might be one that has this flight from childhood, or it gets triggered collectively. It could be your sorrow over... a deep, perhaps a deep terror of being mocked when you express the finest thing you have, which is vulnerability. And that means when you grab hold of this, your defenses soften a lot.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Your anger softens, and sorrow is... Now, I don't know your partner. Because that... It also needs to be safe for you to invite him into your vulnerability. But typically, if he manages... If he actually manages to come back and say, "Sorry," and take full responsibility for his behavior, then he'll typically be able to handle the vulnerability. And not trample around like an elephant. So, it's actually good. It's what he's yearning for: to be let into your vulnerability. And that's actually what he's trying to do. We're angry. It's powerlessness. And it's not about taking responsibility for your life. Then he gets into an angry position, and then you feel extra attacked, and then you can come back attacking again in this attack cycle again. But it could well be that his deep, deep longing and hunger is actually to meet you in your vulnerability. And therefore, there could easily be enormous fertile ground for it, and therefore, you can come back, so you practice. You can actually say that you're practicing your system. I had to myself. I also had an intimate relationship where there was a man who didn't accept that I was always right. That won't do, will it? You can't always be right for me.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: "Yeah, I also have my sh*t." But sometimes, it's actually not always mine. I actually had to, in the end, I could see, I could see that he was right. But it was so damn vulnerable for me, so I actually started practicing. When I could really see that I'd had a very big reaction that actually didn't have a damn thing to do with him. So when I sat and reflected afterward, I actually had to practice my system, which I was dying of anxiety. This shows that there was something with the vulnerability in me that went back in time. I come to my senses and go back and put my hand on his shoulder and say, "I'm sorry. I can see that I overreacted." And then you start there. You start with... You actually go back with that by saying a little and maybe just saying... "I can't put more words on it, I don't have any more words. Right now, can we just hold each other?" That is, it's actually you who, instead of sitting like this and waiting for him to come and repair the relationship because you've probably gotten used to that.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Now I'm sitting here sulking and or being cold or being closed off and have a hungry desperate need for feelings connected with him. And then it is you that when he comes. Oh so wonderful I can surrender to it. But he also needs you to be able to do it sometimes, so you know what that is. And that thing with, that you actually then, turning your system to say "Now I go back and take it." It can be enormously healing for you both. And then, of course, if you experience this thing where, "I'm terribly afraid... terribly afraid of being scolded and mocked here when I come into my vulnerability" if that's what you experience. That could very well be. And it could well be that in vulnerability you can actually articulate it to him, so he understands where some of the pattern comes from. Because that understanding can mean that he actually opens his heart a little more for you. Also because he can well believe in the situation that you are just this queen who is arrogant and annoying and something. But very often the defense where one becomes irresponsibly placed, is actually about that there is a deep fear of becoming, that when when one exposes oneself, when we expose ourselves, we are mocked and degraded. So there are those there.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: It's an enormously, enormously beautiful place to stand together when when you can open up to it, so that could be an option. I have a hard time figuring out how to best handle standing by my, in my opinion, legitimate anger towards my partner, where I can raise my voice and become tight in expression to say no to him, because my partner thinks that I have no right to. He makes it sound as if it is a bad wrong person, if it is something, we become angry about. So instead of talking about the subject, it becomes an issue in itself, and I allow myself to be something angry dissatisfied. So we get nowhere. I just get more angry and frustrated when I'm not allowed to be angry. Yeah, and there's something here, which is... It's really also a well-known pattern that when one partner becomes angry and irritated, then the other partner becomes rational. It doesn't make sense, says neglects the feeling, because you have no right to be like that, and it is offensive to me. And what you're saying doesn't make any sense and now also hysterical can be very typical, and you can say that it would it would be super fine if we could always sit and talk about when you say it like that then, so I can feel in my heart.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: It hurts me a lot. I can actually feel that there is an anger that starts to well up, but I don't want to let it out. But it doesn't work like that. It doesn't work like that when we get angry. So that what in art is actually this thing about that sometimes we have to let the anger come out as an expression, and it can create different things in our, in our partner. And of course, you can say something. Anger we must be able to handle ourselves, so if we have too much anger that is turned out, then it is of course something we must. We must take care of. But if the other party always thinks anger. Many men not so many women. But I experience this thing about that some men just like enormously like to have they can be enormously difficult and see difficult women in their difficult feelings in their woman. Whether she is sad or very angry. That is, it is what they can experience that one has to fix it. But. Thrives best when their woman is bubbly life-loving, because he nourishes so much her feminine light. He doesn't typically have a language for this, but it is some of the men they. Many men describe to me. My day gets much better when I come home and my woman bumbles around and happy and smiles and hugs and kisses me.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: It melts. His heart is necessary. They must figure out to say it, and it will so say that if he then comes home to a closeness tight, no bubbly light, so he actually doesn't know how he should handle them. He feels in some ways actually cut off for life, because many men actually feel life through their woman. They experience it as if they get better access to the light and to life through their break with woman and now as a woman. We don't bubble all the time. Sometimes I am furious, then we become deeply unhappy, so there you know, there can be. And not all women function so more square. Can't do it either. It's more because I often hear about this dynamic between men and women. And here it is that there are several things. There is both something with that that he does not. He can not get you over to becoming the sparkling and the happy. Do you have a self responsibility, But on the other hand that to believe many men have such a. Many men have such a little. I can also see it if I sometimes have studied such things job descriptions in order to get an understanding of it. It is very funny how people write. What is it they seek in the opposite sex? If you're a little bit of a professional relational nerd, then there's an enormous number of gold groups for information, and many men have a slightly naive perception of women as a man.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: I just want us to have quite a lot of lovely sex, and that you're happy and bubbly and that you dress nicely. That's what they think, in fact, that the woman functions like that. It's very sweet that they think the woman is only like that, but that's not what they seek, because they feel enormously nourished. They love to be mirrored in women, but they must also be able to hold her anger out. They need to be able to. They need to be able to stand. What typically happens to men when they are met with a woman's anger. Hey fucking combos! So it's very funny, will data, which I also refer to in the book, who has worked with couples for 30 years, and what he says when it like that I think is so funny that he says that he has worked with it by top politicians and that is others who, you know, who send you, you know, in a morning, just as you assess whether there should be war in Iraq, and you know there comes the workplace all the time, stands in some difficult decisions, and they direct just. It drives shit well, but expose them to women and children. They can't figure that out. It's shitting funny. So there is something. Here is a dynamic. So it's both about for you something that the bubbling life-lust and the born feelings seen and met in life and go out into life with what you are.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Something of it you must take the responsibility for yourself, and it can not lack. As a woman we can well come to believe that the man must fulfill a lot in order for us to be happy, and that he kind of. He is an instrument for our happiness. And he is not. But that to feel met and have a deep connection is enormously happiness burning for many women. So some of it is own responsibility. But what there is also in the man is that he must learn and understand it, he must learn to be able to stand in the woman's feelings, also her anger. She can simply not believe that he can get it out by just saying now you're hysterical or you're not rational and what you say does not make any sense, because it lies right there, when we get furious. Sometimes it actually lies there, that we become furious, because he falls out of integrity now. And then we actually get furious, because he says something. He says some things he doesn't keep. That he does not deliver the near being he in fact. He's only halfway in the relation. That he he will have something a lot else he does not bother. And sometimes you have sniffed your way forward to it, as women you're tempted to pan him in and with good reason, because he's snoring sleeping, and it's not nice for a man and a woman to pinpoint that he's sleeping.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: So if that's what you have hold of him, if not something of it would be your own. But if you actually have hold of you sleep, you fall asleep. You do not stand by your word, you fall out integrity and your anger shows him it. So it will be crazy unpleasant for him, and he will try to stop you until he finds out about it. The biggest gift you can give him, but he must be willing to receive it, so it is that we are out in a paradox here. And it is actually also therefore, it is a little problematic that many. Women take a larger relational leadership than men. But are forced to find their own way and take a relational leadership, because we women try to push down over them, and they only make it worse, so they hit the heels in men. But the problem is also that some men who stand still there, and it doesn't go. Then will there, if they continue to fall out and pretend as if they are in the relation and actually just disappear in all sorts, because they do not bother, there do not know how they should do it, or what it now ends up being, so will there come much anger for their woman, because it makes her deeply unhappy and it makes shitting hurt. It makes shitting hurt to be together with a man, who falls out all the time.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: It feels as if he closes the heart again and again and again and again. And it is crazy unpleasant, and it can be difficult to put words on it, because it is your dynamic, and therefore it comes as such some. I feel like waking him, and that is the form of anger is a huge gift to her. But many men can not handle it. It is also therefore I really want to get fingers in men to show them this dynamic here. And I am not quite sure whether I can that as a woman, because when I say it to them, so I can also see they combos. So there is something to get it to know by a woman, that hurts. So we hit a paradox here. One thing can be eventually to see some lectures, read my book, parts of the books and again. You can invite him to be curious about the relational, but you can not press him, for so he hits the heels in, so there it goes both ways. There is both something with that you are forced to take care of some anger blow inside you, which does not end with him and does, But he is also forced to be able to stand in difficult feelings, He is forced to be able to handle, When a woman, a woman, looks at him and says "Da fall you out", and I say to you not what you should do, but I tell you, you fall out, and it is crazy unpleasant for a man.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: It is probably almost. The most unpleasant is that when a woman sees him, sees him, where he falls out. And that have I for men. That is They tell me that it is crazy unpleasant, and then it just comes a little on whether he about he a little licks his wounds and comes back on the horse, or about he continues to make you wrong in it. And now if if we have a station, so I will also talk more. So I will ask more into the specific situations, so we also, so we together could experience that I could show How can you sniff your way forward to what is what? When does the anger handle about something of your own, where he with good reason pulls? And when does the anger handle actually about you? You doubt in fact his integrity, his ability to understand you, his ability to you can surrender to him. She is the man's biggest longing. Not all men's, but many men's big longing is that the woman devotes herself and so sexually, that he is it. The woman invites him to go deeper and deeper and deeper, but it can she only do, if she has confidence to him. That is, if I in the end surrender actually abilities the woman's body and gets so extreme an orgasm, that she it feels as if she goes into dissolution, and it can she only do, if she feels there is a structure there can embrace her, when she goes into dissolution.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: So therefore is the sexual meeting, if the woman's sexuality and spirituality hang so much together. So there lies that there lies an instinctive call here that on some parameters, even though I am a woman, I can stand myself, I can build me a business, I can all this, so there are certain situations and actually actually desire to slip the structure and surrender me to your structure right in the individual situation. Then travel I myself up and can stand again myself. But right there in the sexual play, is there typically a deep wish about it. If the woman enters the feminine pole, will there be a longing for to surrender oneself, And if the man takes the masculine pole, there is a longing after and after to receive that surrender. And that is there where it is. There where the feminine masculine enters. Because it is in our intimate relation that the sexuality is bound at. And it describe I much more about in this here, where I am very inspired by data and some things with data, which I in fact am disagreed in. But but that dynamic seems to be universal, and then it is just about to remember that the feminine, the masculine and that it is not tied up at man woman, but men.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: But many women are feminine identified in their sexuality. There describe I the book about how to find out about it, and what it means, what it is, how it can be some arrow thread for one's longing, which one must get home for for to likewise also to be able to meet deeper there. So it is a little bit of a paradox, you here, because you have hold of something. There will be some things, where you feel like to say it. There is not good enough now. So wake up here. And which is quite important that he takes receive. But it will probably be quite unpleasant for him to take receive, so it will also require some talks. And is there eventually some value set? Has he at all desire to receive gifts from you? It is not certain that he has head aware that it can be a gift for him, and it is probably there, it will be some conversations, one so takes without about, that is when one is not in conflict. But it is very typical that men have extremely difficult with woman's anger, and it is in fact something mixed data and men in his. He is forced to learn, that you are forced to handle a woman's anger without to shrink. I describe it also in my book about why it is, if you will have more information about it. Can you elaborate emotional between position? My partner thinks, I am manipulating.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: I experience rather myself as clear in my setting of bounds in sharp contrast to him. I have No hidden agenda, on the contrary I can be enormously direct. Why is it manipulating, if it eventually can be categorized such? What do I oversee? Yeah. And emotional manipulating can in fact be because when he says it and how you think it can be very different and emotional manipulating etc.. If you perceive yourself as very direct, so I will not say you emotional manipulating eventually, but it can feel as a press of the other, so therefore it is good what it is this press he experience, that he feels manipulated by that press. For example, if you are together with a human, which in fact does not have a special problem with setting of bounds to say such, why do you look so oddly at me? Have we a BIF? That is you know which I feel there is something in the air. Instead of it operating down here, so I pick it up in the light. It is in fact about to be direct. It can also be about to say such. I am tired of that, you said you can buy potatoes with home and so again and again forget it, or what it now can be. That is, you in fact articulate this here. It is that which I see the problem, and it is that we forced to talk about, which it is not manipulation.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Manipulation Emotional manipulation handles actually more about when we try on to get fulfilled our needs without to say it direct, so it can be. It can be all such something with what can I use as an example? It can for example be of born emotional manipulation, which one often sees. It can precisely be such. I just don't feel you see me, and such as one means with that I don't see you. I just don't think you have noticed. You have completely not looked at how I am feeling today. You should have you should have seen. Now I have walked and been angry all the day. It should you have seen. You should have understood that, you know. Now I have been out and at a workplace or you know it soon. An emotional relation can be where that one does not feel one should articulate. One feels one feels a little that one has a need for to be seen and met. That the opposite number all the time should be on in advance to know, what you feel inside, without that you yourself have expressed it. It is therefore that the emotional manipulation enters often much in diagnoses Mixed with borderline and narcissism is there also very much of it, but we all come to it in different ways, so emotional manipulation is every time we try on to get another to take care of our emotional needs, without that we ourselves take care of them and or articulate them.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: So it will be that one walks has a feeling of you should have seen me in a different way than you do, and it can well be that it can well be that you conclude it okay. I feel me still not seen and met in this here relation, even though we have been in therapy together, even though we have been, Even though we have made a lot of work together, and we have talked it through 100 times, so I can well see. I feel me still not seen and met, so I must right down and look at my value set. I wonder whether I at all can travel further with you? Or I continue to try on to make you to another, in and with you can not see and meet me. That would be the opposite of emotional manipulation. It will say, you go in and reflects over, why we continue to ring here, so that that is very characteristic by and feelings with emotional manipulated. It can also be such something with When you have just been on vacation, was I probably. I think I did not get a postcard, or you know there lies undersigned. Why invited not me with? Why should I not with? It will say that the person has had a need for to be acknowledged, be met, be a something and you know, and then one gets the others to feel themselves wrong, because one had not seen it upfront.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: It will say the person can well have born for it will say, the person can maybe have felt I feel me outside a community. Now we are good friends in on vacation. I am not invited with. You know, there is difference. If you let to say that it was two pair relation and so in the one pair relation so the one pair relation. They take on vacation, and one has maybe been used to take on vacation together, Then that year, there choose they to do it alone and not invite the others with. Then it can be such. Why should we not with, or why they not asked and why there can come all sorts difficult feelings up on it. Then it can one handle on different way. It will say that one directly that that one in good to be direct in and like to get cleared up things, so will one grab the bone and say hi, I can see that You shall on vacation, sounds there wonderful? I can just feel in me. I am getting such a little afraid of it, because I gave us we have a later. We usually take together, and then there can be No, we just have such need for it. Just right for us, because there you know all this here, there has been, and we should come a little far away from each other. But we was also right there, and we just had.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: We had not just surplus to involve you in it, but it was fair enough. Eventually it is neither because we have a requirement for that we shall on vacation together. I was just worried for whether there was a or other unsaid, and it can my system sure not handle. But of course you shall do, as it is the right for you there down. You know, all systems are good. On the other side makes one emotional manipulation there. Then will there be a need for not to feel oneself seen and met, or why they not called to us, why they called to us and said it, because now I am now I feel discomfort. I feel discomfort about that, they have made a decision, which maybe has something with me to do. But I do not know whether it has something with me to do, so why have they not taken themselves it? Typically then handles it about that one as a child has become common with one's parents. Parents, that has not could take care of the emotional environment, so it creates discomfort. So that there with not to be able to be with the discomfort, so one is forced to find out about, about I not can call, if I not dare and call and ask, because I am afraid for the conflict. I am afraid for the answer. Then I must try on to get peace on my system on a different way. So it will say, I make suppositories.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: I will say reach, You shall probably on vacation, what do one know, makes one tries on indirect way to get the others to feel themselves wrong, because it is your fault that I have it like this here? And it is it eventually not. One just reaches one, but one just asks not direct. And it is actually something of the difficult for us, it is to go to the source for our discomfort. So it will say, every time that happens something with humans in our intimacy sphere. About it is friends, acquaintances, family, what that can be, where there happens some choices, which influence us, Springs a or another we gets a discomfort over it, so it is eventually It was what I felt discomfort as. Why is it that I have it okay? It can sometimes be for example. It can be such okay, we usually are on vacation with them, they once asked us Is there a conflict, I not is aware of? And it is unpleasant, for the system is unpleasant to have a conflict with somebody, one cares of. It is unpleasant. You know, if one finds out about it, therefore I feel it therefore Or am I envious? Is it because I can see whether they are in their pair relation? They look like as if they are so happy and much. My partner has it shitting difficult and now shall they on vacation together and they there is there is there beautiful images and now I just feel like to pan my friend in.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Is it because that I feel pain over that she has a relation which I well myself wants I was in? Eventually not with that partner, but it reminds about something, which I which I is missing. So there is difference on about one rings to one Reach, You shall probably out and travel, or have I thought on some restrictions? There is also something with it there with CO2 emissions, and you can come with all sorts disparaging remarks, if one oneself is hit. But one can also ring and say, that you shall on vacation, da I am so happy on your behalf. Fuck it makes hurt! I became just right aware of that, I just am a place in my relation, where I became pissing envious over to see you and with your partner. You look so happy out. The there comes you from a vulnerability place. Then shut you your friend in in your vulnerability there. And it is it there with. So every time we have landed a place, where we want to resort to manipulation, so it is because it is difficult for us to stand by the pain, we have. Or it is difficult for us to handle the eventually conflict, which comes of that, we are forced to right to feel this here discomfort. Why? Why is it discomfort, or is there trouble a or other place, I shall take care of? Or is it just me, there gives me desire to travel myself in over and by? Da had we need for it.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Has also a little something with you to do. It is so fine, so I hope that it can give that it can give some some parameter for what the term manipulation means and it can one say. We all come to it some times, because it can be difficult to go to the root, and you will also be exposed for it, so you will be exposed for just suddenly to feel yourself made wrong. For some things you have chosen, which in fact only concerns you, and which you have right to do, but which somebody in your outer world try on and make and make you wrong in, because it triggers something in them, which they not themselves can find out to takes ownership of. And it is mega unpleasant. It is pissing unpleasant when when it happens. It can be all right from my own mother came to to do it thereby unconsciously, because she has got three children. I have chosen to get a child, and I will not have more. Where where in for her that she had the need for to feel oneself acknowledged, that that there with to get three children is the right, The right choices. For me is it not the right choice. It makes not her wrong. I have just chosen something different. So she was forced to continue to make it.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: It must also be because that comes I to regret it. So she was forced to put a lot over on me that. A or other time must you wake up and regret it, because or also is her choice wrong, and therefore we actually have a duality, a dualism. It will say, you are forced to do the same, as I do. Philosophy understand I not, which is what I do. So it is maybe wrong. And where it actually handles about it. It is never either or. Both and. Her choices. One could get three children, can have been so right for her. And what can be beautiful? But it changes not on that, my choice is a child or eventually. I don't get any. Children can be just as right. So this here with to contain differences, not become triggered of others life choices. And it can also well be for my own mothers sake, that she stood with three children very alone, and it was shitting hard. And I am the last child, and I was wished, is it said? But I was not. It was not planned, and it gave something, which was really difficult. I know, she has sacrificed much to be there for us children, so there can also well lie something unconscious in her. And now use I just her as example, because these patterns are so they are there all the time.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: They are there between us, and I think, I am conscious. And I have actually not asked, but it could I just do. It can also well be, she has felt, she sacrifices much for us three children, there was a life dream, and she not could exercise. Where I go a different direction and has much focus on to exercise, that is to live some other dreams out than therefore children. So there can also be a shadow side on it. Then there is it more, where I say that we move in this here. Such a fairway, where we very quickly become pressed of each others emotional conditions. And it is also a time, this here with to bring practice in in the weekday, where we play. In my friendships it becomes pressed, and why feel I me made wrong because of something, which I of course has a legitimate choice or a from choice of has and it has apparently tricking something in them. Shall I take care of it, shall I wait. They come and me. That is what is my? What? Where want I to place it out? So we are very very often fettling in in this here. It is not special nice, but the learning is that the more we draw it, the more sharp becomes we on. What is what? And the more we some times feel a discomfort, when others come to manipulate us emotional, which for the most of the way is unconscious, is because it can be difficult also to stand by our legitimate needs and longings, especially when they are unmanly.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: It is when we feel the discomfort over that we are made to a or other of somebody, which has difficult by to take hand about it. It makes in fact that we begin to be very obsessed on to clear up in our own, because we find out about that it in fact desire to expose others for, yes eventually desire to expose others for that emotional manipulation, for it is in fact deeply unpleasant. And the better we become to it and that. And it is not because somebody somebody there comes to to manipulate emotional is wrong or bad humans. It handles about that it can be enormously vulnerable. It is very very vulnerable to stand by these here difficult feelings, it enormously vulnerable and pull them, contain them and pull them. And why is it they became pressed at, became I pressed my friend became she pressed my parents become pressed and my partner. What is it there is happening here? What is what is it my and what is it? And another so it? Yes, it is for some also a yarn tangle. A cat has head in many directions. It takes a little time and a Bondo again. But when we dare be with it and reflect and be with the condition and feel in, so becomes you much sharper on that there. That there have I a very chartege on.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: It shall I take care of. I have in fact not charms at, but I can feel the person has enormously much charms at. It I am forced to say. That there became you yourself forced to. Look at sweet darling, so is it more mature, it there. I don't come to to rock me in my decision here, for I have not done something wrong, and it have I so not something, there is to do. So you become much sharper in your setting of bounds, and therefore gets you also fewer disturbances, you shall take care of. They will be you, and there is some humans, you will come to to make you wrong, because they are caught in their own. It is a little there we are developmentwise. I think, we came through. If you have more questions, It can you eventually not. No, it was the questions for now. Now came my big fat pointing finger. We are also finished, can I see. I take a little a little over, so now I must rather stop for now. Many thanks. It was lovely. Some fantastic questions and is interested. So can this here be ordered at the bookseller. They have it in catalogue and You can also get it on Saxo online. The place can also be ordered. Conversations with my imaginary daughter and You are also welcome to contact at me