Podcast E4: A Woman's Wildness

The podcast "A Woman's Wildness" is a talk by Mette Miriam Sloth exploring the challenges and potentials women face in the modern world. The talk draws upon Mette's experiences from her practice, where she observes a recurring pattern in women: a deep, inner wildness often suppressed by societal expectations and inherited patterns.

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  A Woman's Suppressed Anger and the Path to Authenticity

  Mette Miriam Sloth argues that women have been taught for generations to suppress their anger, as it has not been considered appropriate or attractive. This suppression can lead to an accumulation of anger that can manifest in unhealthy ways, such as passive aggression, self-destructive behavior, or excessive people-pleasing.

  To break free from these patterns, it's necessary to connect with one's anger and integrate it in a healthy way. This can be a challenging process, as it requires courage to confront the internal and external expectations that hold us back.

  Women's Aversion to Conflict and Confrontation: From People-Pleasing to Boundary Setting

  Mette Miriam Sloth observes that many women struggle to handle conflicts and set boundaries. They fear creating imbalance in relationships and losing the acceptance of others, which can lead to a constant adaptation to others' needs.[1]

  Mette Miriam Sloth encourages cultivating the ability to set boundaries and stand by one's opinions, even if it feels uncomfortable initially.[1][2] It's about exercising a muscle and starting small by saying no in safe situations.

  The Perfectionism Trap and Accepting Vulnerability

  Mette Miriam Sloth points to perfectionism as a common trap for women.[1][2] They may feel they must be perfect to be good enough and deserve love.[1] This fear of failure can paralyze them and prevent them from taking risks and fulfilling their potential.

  Instead, Sloth encourages embracing vulnerability and accepting that we cannot always be perfect. It's about learning from mistakes and seeing them as opportunities for growth.

  Female Tribes: Support, Change, and Processes of Letting Go

  Mette Miriam Sloth emphasizes the importance of strong female communities ("queen tribes") to support and inspire each other. These communities can provide safety, understanding, and courage to break free from old patterns.

  At the same time, Mette Miriam Sloth acknowledges that relationships can change as we evolve and move in new directions. Sometimes, we may outgrow old friend groups or ideologies, which can be painful but also necessary for our personal growth.

  The Paradox of Motherhood: Reclaiming Energy and Finding Balance

  Mette Miriam Sloth describes motherhood as a transformative experience that can awaken deep love but also challenge women's boundaries and resources.

  She points out that it is essential for mothers to take care of themselves and prioritize their own needs to avoid burnout. This may require setting boundaries, seeking support, and finding creative solutions to balance giving to the child and meeting one's own needs.

  Sexuality, Life Energy, and the Path to Love.

  Mette Miriam Sloth views women's sexuality as a powerful source of energy and creativity. She argues that healthy sexuality is interconnected with self-acceptance, authenticity, and the ability to be in touch with one's feelings.

  Mette Miriam Sloth encourages moving from the need to be loved to being love. This involves finding an inner source of love and joy that is not dependent on external validation.

  Listening to the Call and Embracing Change

  A recurring theme in the talk is the message of listening to one's inner calling and daring to pursue one's dreams, even if it requires change and breaking away from familiar structures.

  Mette Miriam Sloth encourages embracing life's cycles of death and rebirth, as change is necessary.

• English transcription

  Translated transcript of the original Danish podcast

  Host: Mette Miriam Sloth

  Okay, here we go. The wildness of woman. Well, what I do, you could say. I've written some books for those of you who don't know me. Um, you can find them here. My first book was published in 2000 2015, this harmonious young love presence. And uh, my last book on the connection for great attachment art came out this year in May this year. You could say I work a lot with attachment in relation to children and children's well-being and things like that, but I also work a lot with women and actually also relationships in relation to sexuality and all these relationship problems that can arise, because attachment and connection to yourself and to each other is something that is in childhood, but it's something we can wrestle with, that we can become wiser about and we can become richer from throughout life, because it's typically here that we experience either euphoria or pain. When we feel connected to ourselves and to others. Pain when we feel disconnected to ourselves and with others. The theme today is about women, which I've actually been fascinated by for a long time. Uh, because I'm a woman myself. And so what, what kind of women's issues are there that we can bump into? Um, because there's something that is, I'm convinced that in many ways it's not so important whether we're male or female. On some levels, it's the same condition. We have to be able to find out how to love, we have to be able to find out how to form relationships, and we have to succeed in life. We have to be able to be with pain. We have to be able to be in this life. Gender is not particularly decisive, but there may be some differences. There are still some differences between women and men. And that's quite fine, while of course there are overlaps in all sorts of ways. And my big feeling in relation to being a woman is actually that we have a very great potential. Isn't it something that they have to be totally fulfilled, but I experience both myself and many of the meetings that come and often they come because they want to talk about problems with their children, but often we end up talking about how they feel, what it's like to be a woman. And of course it's often in connection with motherhood, but it can also be in connection with the partnership in relation to succeeding career-wise and everything else, so in relation to this issue of making life come together, not understanding that we're happy all the time because that's not how life works, but so that we can be with the ups and downs that come and live. And here I would actually say that as I experience the woman's physiology, but also our psyche, I would actually say that it's a bit about the feminine, that it's much more psychological. It's much more like moving water. Uh, I sometimes get some stick for saying that, because not everyone agrees with it. And it's Friday with that. But I want to describe why I see it that way. And it's actually not just the woman who is. I would actually I would actually call it more feminine. And it's really difficult to use the word feminine and masculine, because it quickly becomes a little overused, and often we end up interpreting femininity as a woman and masculinity as a man. And then we can quickly end up in such judgmental stereotypes, which is why it can be a bit dangerous to move out there. And that's why we've come to a place where we can't talk about differences, we have to talk about gender equality and we have to talk about it in a certain way. And that's fine and good. The problem is that lists are sometimes interpreted as if we're all the same. But we're not. Neither within the gender spectrum, but also not in the two genders as separate. We are and I believe that we are not meant to be the same. But of course we are equally worthy. Of course we are equally worthy. But I think we forget the difference. And here we can get a little bit wrong, because not only can we sometimes misunderstand ourselves, but also the partner we're with. So that's why I use the terminology masculinity, femininity, knowing that there are thousands of pitfalls. It's sometimes a bit difficult to use the language because we can fall into all sorts of strange traps. That's why I want to explain how I use these two concepts, which tap into the way I understand human beings. And it's not something I came up with myself. It's a mixture of both spiritual science and depth psychology and that and biological gender research. It's really a combination of many different kinds of things. But as I see it both with yinyang and so on, whether we look at spiritual science and where to look, as a human being, if we look at two basic structures in humans, I would say. The masculine, the feminine. And it's really about getting these two to work together. And here we're on equal footing, whether you're male or female. But if you are in a female body, you will also have a more cyclical hormonal system than the male. And the cyclical hormonal system means that you have the build-up, you have the build-up to ovulation, then you ovulate, and then you have the little death, the death of the egg that is not fertilized or a fertilization of an egg that becomes a pregnancy. And that happens monthly. The man doesn't have that kind of cyclical comma system in the same way. Uh, and that does something to us. It doesn't just mean that we're defined by our biology, because we're not. But I would actually also say that some of the way that our as a woman's biology works is also my own experience as well, which you can very well see in depth psychology if you're interested in that. That I would also say that women's psych, at least for many women, this cyclical way is also transferable to our uh to our psychological well-being. Many of you will probably find that in your menstrual cycle, there will also be a time when we feel flying, around ovulation, when we can also have an enormous desire for sex and really be enormously, uh, well, it's a good time to do projects in life. So we are enormously boosted in life here. Whereas towards menstruation, we can be much more withdrawn. We need to withdraw. It's uncomfortable to have a long workday. It can be uncomfortable to have to perform here because you don't want to be out in the world so much. And of course, this can vary from woman to woman. So we can't put it any more template-like than that. Because there are just as many in the genders, even within the female gender. Sometimes you would actually say that there can be more behavioral differences within the sexes than there are between the sexes. So it's very much about unpacking these great complexities. What I experience in women is that there is this more cyclical way and that the way of being in our culture is not reflected because our culture is very masculine. Not masculine as male, but masculine in the sense that it's very, it's very linear. It's very much on growth. We have to move forward. We have to perform, we have to perform, we have to perform. Um. And that's not good for anyone. It's not good for the man either, because masculinity is not only man. In my opinion, we are both feminine and masculine combined. And it's really about getting the two basic structures, energetic structures in man to work together. To put it very simply, right? And as a woman, it can be a bit of a challenge for the women I work with. I always look at, okay, where are you in this dance between the masculine and the feminine. Because for some women, you can say some of the women who, and it may sound like it's stereotypical, put them in a box. And it's actually like that's not mine, but some women will be it would be easy for them. They will seek and express themselves in a way that is very dancing. They might be naturally drawn to ecstatic dance. They might love being comfortable walking barefoot and feeling the ground. They will be hugely interested in reading about the female cycle. They will be passionate about connecting with courage and the earth. They will typically be interested in spiritual aspects of life. Um. And they'll love working intuitively. And they'll love being with their emotions and expressing their feelings. So they will very much like a little bit like a little bit like a beautiful wave. Then it's completely quiet and then um and you can say that the women who are very much manifest much of the feminine because it's much of the feminine energy that is like that and it will also be if you have a man who is like that then you will also see that men can have where they are in their family and in their masculine. For women like that. You could say they will actually have a very strong connection to their own body. They will be good at listening to it. They will quickly be good at stopping if they feel stressed. They will be um they will they will have a very sharp intuition. What they can have problems with, the more feminine they are in their expression, the more they are identified with the feminine in themselves, there can sometimes be a lack of the masculine. In other words, sometimes it can be difficult for them to hold on to an idea and bring it to life. It can sometimes be difficult for them to manage their finances. It can sometimes be difficult for them to have contact or dialog or collaboration with people who are more masculine, who are not as free flowing as they are, which can cause huge difficulties in their relationships. So you could say that the more you are identified with a basic structure, which can be the feminine, the more it's actually about using the beauty in it, but developing the ability to also integrate the other part, which is the masculine, which is, you could say, the masculine like the container. So, if you have water running wherever it runs, you need to have some kind of fairly delimited concrete box that can contain it. And that's actually the masculine. So that means that if you have a mind, the mind is by definition quite often feminine, so it also means that if you have a very feminine mind, there will also be, there will be ideas all the time. There will be impulses. Ø, I have a very feminine mind myself, so I'm also the type of person who gets interrupted and goes off on a tangent, and then I get 40 things hooked up before I ever get back to what I started with. It can be excruciating for some people because I rarely go from A and then to B and stuff. Because that's not how my mind works. My mind will try to build on as many things as it possibly can. And it's insanely beautiful when it succeeds because I have such a beautiful overall structure in it. It's absolutely wonderful. But sometimes you can also end up adding too many things, so that what you're talking about just becomes like, no one really understands what you're saying. So for me, I've really bid. I had to really dive into hardcore evidence, because it's not in my nature to be particularly analytical actually. Um, so I have to build up some of this like okay, I have to have some concrete knowledge that I can sort of wrap some of this stuff up in, because either that or it will be difficult for me. People simply can't understand what's coming out of my mouth. So that's why it's really good that you find out how do you fit together? How do you function? On the other hand, I also work with a lot of women who are a bit more challenging in our culture right now. It's a bit like the fact that many women have leaned very much into the masculine, because that's how our culture is. And that was necessary. Women's liberation wouldn't have happened unless women were very masculine, because it took some masculine power to break free from many of the chains that had been culturally in place. So it was absolutely necessary. So that was something like 'f*** you', and we're going to show you all that shit. So it can also be powerful in the feminine, but it gets such a concrete container. Now we're going out, we want a little bit. F*** you. Uh, you have to f*** the kids. So that whole thing required a very masculine and masculine one to stand firm. I don't give an inch no matter what the fuck throws at me. So it's been completely necessary to make the huge paradigm shift that has been kind of for what is it a generation ago or it was over several generations, but now that we kind of brought it back to the 60s and 70s, right? So you could say that all kinds of paradigm shifts and breakthroughs also have side effects. So what happened is that when we break something up, something is set free, and then there are some things that don't get lost or don't work so well, and that doesn't matter. It's just completely natural. We just can't close our eyes to it. So there can be a bit of a danger that we get a bit too much caught up in the struggle. The woman must be set free. It's the man's fault. It's far too simplistic. So we are entering very patriarchal societies that still exist in the world today. Yes, there still needs to be social development that hasn't happened yet. And there is definitely a lot of oppression of women in our part of the world. Yes, we can find that too. We can also find violence against women. Too much of it, unfortunately. Um, but I still don't want to talk too much about patriarchy in our society, because it becomes an experience when we talk about the white men who come and eat us, and it's also their fault and stuff like that. I actually feel that we give our power away, and for God's sake we mustn't do that. If we give our power to some patriarchy, some threat out here that we can't see, then we'll always be on the edge, as if there's something we have to fight against. And my experience is actually, well, our part of the world, this fight that has happened in our part of the world, still needs to be taken in certain parts of the world. But right where we are, some of this burning hair and stuff like that, we've been there, and we should be happy that we've gotten there. But what I'm actually experiencing now is that many, many women have come from far away from their feminine core. Because it's my belief that if we are born in a female body, then for the majority of women, not all women, because some women actually have a high degree of masculinity, even if they are born female. But for the majority of women, they will be identified with such a feminine core, which they then build the masculine around, to put it very simply. And the problem is if we've gotten away from that, that is, if we've taken on a masculinity to say that the only way to survive in the world is to step out and act like a man. That it's actually that, although it was necessary for a period of time, now it's kind of, now it's actually started to be driven down to burnout to that struggle of having to perform in all areas of our lives, that it's actually learned to say that by taking care of ourselves. Maybe not necessarily in the physical sense, but also in the physical sense. So it can put like all sorts of disease. It can really give us chronic stress. And I see more and more women who lose themselves in this, who want to break out of this, but who find it very difficult to get a grip on what the hell is going on here? And not feeling authentic doesn't mean that we shouldn't use the masculine quality. Because if it's not there without the masculine, you would just be this big wave. You would either be a calm sea or a big wave. That is, you'll be constantly changing in it. But you won't create anything. You won't There will be a lot of inspiration, intuition. There would be all kinds of amazing stuff, but you wouldn't get it wrapped up. I wouldn't be able to sit and blabber on about everything. But I would never ever be able to figure out how to market it and put it up for sale and make sure there was someone interested to buy it. So that would never happen. Because it's not the feminine energy that does that. It's the masculine. Project Manager. And this is again where you must not understand masculine as a man, that only men know how to be a project manager. That's not true at all, but it's about the fact that you have some distinctions that you have to learn, and here you can drop it into either the feminine or the masculine and make the two dance together. And then you can look at your life, but what is it that I need? Do I need to integrate more of the feminine? Do I need more freedom? Do I need to let go of control and lean into life? Do I need to be more spontaneous? Do I need to strengthen my sense of my inner life? Do I need to strengthen my understanding of intuition? Do I need to paint more? Do I need to walk more in nature without having a goal? Um, things like that. Or do I need more m No, I actually need more structure. I need to pay off my debt because the other stuff is too unsustainable. I need to translate my ideas in a way that I can actually get them out to people. This is where you start using the masculine. So these two need to work together. And this is true for men as well. But that's kind of my point about being a woman also being, I also believe that we are deeply influenced both biologically and epigenetically, both in our psyche, both in our genetics, but also in our innate psychological structures, we are very much influenced by the past. So I still think that even though we've come so far in women's liberation, I still think we've only come a long way in terms of breaking some chains, but in many ways we're going to put ourselves in chains. And it's not you personally out there or me personally, but that it's just because it's something that's been inherited for such a long time, so there can quickly be some things that get in our way that we have to be a little bit responsive to. And some of it is, for example, something like anger. For generations, it has been forbidden for women and girls to express anger because in the past it was supposed to be something like the way you positioned yourself and were able to get by and put food on the table was to make sure you found water that would pay for you. So if we go back far enough, that's how it was and that's how it's been, I wouldn't say 2000 years. So of course we are influenced by it. So even though today as a woman you can go out and say f*** me I can take care of myself, there can still be some structures in you that make you feel that you have to be the nice girl, that you feel you have to adapt, that you feel that when you feel anger you have doubts, is it okay that I get angry at all express it uh a lot of women have big problems with setting boundaries in conflicts find it extremely difficult by myself included and I would actually say the women I meet in my practice who have the easiest time cutting through short and sharp in fned and fnedder and conflicts. They are actually the ones who, personality-wise or type-wise or however they function as women, are in the part of the gender spectrum where they are naturally quite masculine. They like to compete, they like to apply for jobs where they go for management positions. And they also, if you measure their hormone levels, they will probably have more testosterone than a woman who is somewhere else on the gender spectrum and maybe just the thought of having to compete for some kind of board position would give her a bit of a headache. Just the thought of having to be part of something where there would constantly be such a conflict, such a broker environment or a trading environment or something else where the pulse is high, the adrenaline is running and stuff like that, she would almost get heart palpitations just thinking about it, right? So this is also where we can't always just say women should go out and get these jobs. It depends on what kind of woman are you? What do you want to thrive in? Um, as a woman, you may not necessarily thrive on saying I could never be a politician, but because there's so much slander and corruption and all sorts of terrible things in the political environment, and it's a tough environment, uh, you misunderstood that and all that, right? Well, maybe you have a cause that is so important to you. It's so important to you that you decide, I have to train myself to be able to be such an environment in order to get my message across. And then you will train the ability to be there. So it's really important that we know where we are and where we stand. And I would say as a starting point, as a general rule of thumb for all women, we actually need to get in touch with our anger, because in my experience, in my experience with the women I work with, there is a deep deep deep deep anger in the woman. There is an island, I would actually say there is a smoldering rage that we try very hard not to get in touch with. And for many women, they don't experience this rage until they become parents. And one of the things that happens here, when we become parents, is that we are pressured in ways that we have never been pressured before. Um, so that also means that you're going to find yourself in situations where your mental barrier, the ways in which we maintain our personas, it kind of breaks down. And that's actually really really good, but a lot of women get a shock because it's an anger they haven't been in contact with before. Or they have been in contact with it before, but they are so deeply ashamed of it. For generations, it has been shameful for women to have anger, and it's actually quite unfortunate because anger is linked to the wildness that comes naturally. There's enormous wildness and independence in the feminine. If we look at the whole I've written a lot, including a thesis on female mythology or the feminine mythological image in culture, which if we look at our own culture, which is primarily Christian, where we have a bit of Jesus's mother, the Virgin Mary. That's kind of the only image we have. But if we look at many of the other cultures, you have many female deities. You have Kali, who chops people's heads off, and you have lots of different images of gods or goddesses, whereas in our culture we only have the pious Virgin Mary, which has been interpreted as being asexual. So she's so elevated and so pure. So it's this idea that women have to be a certain way. Well, it can certainly be interpreted that way, because it's a goddess image. So it shouldn't be forced upon an earthly woman. But that's sometimes what happens, because these mythological images also have an impact on how we see ourselves, and also these gender stereotypes. So it's all kind of connected. It's very deep psychological research, which I can only recommend if it interests you. And what's really interesting, if you look at how virginity or how this virginity, how we interpret virginity today, where virginity is tied up with not having had sex, not being sexually active, whereas if we go back in time, way way way way back in time, virginity has actually been that the woman was extremely sexually active, but she was independent. That is, she was sexually active with whoever she wanted to be sexually active with, but no one owned her. There is a very, very big difference between a woman's tempting sexuality and a woman who can only have sex with a man she was scarred by, as it was in the past. This is also why women in certain parts of the world are stoned if they follow their sexual impulses and either have sex with someone they're not married to or have sex before they get married, right? So in a way, if we look at it historically, where there's been a lot of oppression of women, the only way to control women was to control their sexuality. Also because at that time you couldn't be sure, is it my offspring or what? The man had like the right to the child, he had the right to the property, and he had the right to own the woman, right? So there's been something here that's huge and that's not where we are today, but we just have the remnants in us. And we also have an anger that smolders in us on behalf of all the women who have been treated like this over time. And on behalf of the women who are still being treated like that today. So there is such a collective anger in women, which is actually very much linked to female sexuality. Um, one of the things we don't talk so much about collectively is that female sexuality, a lot of women, and I actually understand that, I understand it well, is because there's this kind of myth that the man has a more dominant sexuality, and then he tries too hard to get sex, and then the woman doesn't really bother with the body, and she starts to feel more and more like a creature that doesn't want sex. And this dynamic happens in a lot of relationships. And the man is also deeply frustrated because much of his love language is physical affirmation. As the woman rejects him, he feels rejected as a human being. And then he gets angry and grumpy because it's hard for him to speak and we're vulnerable, and then she gets even less turned on by him, and it goes downhill from there. I have other lectures that I give from Pral. I have in November where we dive more into it. But the reason why I'm bringing it up here is because this issue of female sexuality, which to a large extent as I see it, I have a huge calling and independence. I would actually say that if we're going to talk about sexual liberation at all, it's not through pornography. It has been a step, you could say, in relation to doing this. And also in relation to this, in the past, being monogamous, having only one partner, was like that, you had a partner for life. You weren't, hadn't had sex before you were married, and then you only had sex with the man you were married to for life, right? Today it's different, because fortunately you can say that now you're monogamous in the sense that you have a partner for life, right? But you can get divorced and get new partners and stuff like that, right? And then of course there are those who are polyamorous and have multiple partners at the same time. Um, so there can be a difference there too. But I find women's sexuality deeply fascinating, because in my experience, if your sexuality is turned off, there is very, very often a connection between feeling turned off or unsatisfied sexually and feeling out of touch with your sexuality and having an understanding of like, okay, there's something here that I want to delve deeper into. And then having a problem with anger. So either feeling that I'm not in touch with anger or I have these outbursts of anger that I keep down, but then being hugely ashamed of it. It's as if there is such a sexual energy and this anger in the woman are linked together. Um, and one of my assessments in this is that the woman, if you've seen some of my little videos leading up to this lecture, I've also said that female sexuality is actually extremely bumpy in a different way than man's. My experience is that many women are afraid to show men their true sexuality because they're simply afraid that they're going to eat him. Not in the physical sense, but that he will simply be frightened out of his wits. There is enormous power in this, because a lot of women's power is tied up in sexuality. And by sexuality, I don't mean that she has to fuck all the time. Yes, if she wants to, go for it. But by sexuality, I mean life energy. So sexuality is also, and it's actually very much about being with your emotional states, setting boundaries and daring to stand by who you are in life situations. And that's actually one of the things I hear a lot from women. I also hear it from some men, but interestingly enough, the majority of the men I hear have some of the same issues, they don't feel completely authentic. They find it difficult to stand by their opinions, and they find it hard to set boundaries and things like that. These are typically the men I would call, I don't like that term, but more sensitive men or maybe I'd rather say the men who are actually very much in contact with what we call the feminine, that is, who are actually well versed in it, they are typically the ones I hear from that they find it difficult to stand firm and if a conflict arises, they are very concerned about pleasing others and things like that, and sometimes we get this slightly stereotypical understanding that the woman and the feminine are not the same thing, but we often end up doing that because they're always pleasing and overly concerned with other people's feelings, and that's actually not something I agree with because it's actually much more of a wave. And that means both the gaze, calm water that provides nourishment. But it can also be the tsunami that just sweeps everything away - when this wave occurs, everything is just swept away, life and death and everything. That's also why Carly is shot dead inside, right? Because it's life, death and rebirth. And it's in the female body, because there's life, death and rebirth every single month when we menstruate, there's life, death and rebirth when we bring a child into the world. So there is simply something, it's the female gender, where the woman is in deep contact with this cycle. And that's what I mean when I say that women's sexuality and being in the world is more cyclical than men's. It's life, death and rebirth. And there's actually something here, when we tap into it as a woman and can feel that sometimes there is such life, we feel something being born, and we go with it. Sometimes we feel something is about to die. It could be a project, it could be a friendship, it could be a relationship, it could be anything that we dare to go with it. This is also super important for the man. I just want to say that women in particular often feel this more than men because it's in their body. So they have greater access to it. And I actually want to say that because I think women are so fucking important to where we are right now in our evolutionary development, because we've created a society and a culture that is dependent on growth, which is only linear. That is, you don't have life, death, death, reproduction in it. You have the whole economic boom that hit. And then in 2008, where it just crashed. We haven't learned shit from that. Now it's just building up again. So we don't take this life, death, rebirth of something new. We don't take the learning in. That is, we just repeat the same stupidity again and again and again. And that's actually what I would say is the masculine, if we're going to take it that much behind such a growth parade. If it hasn't integrated the feminine in it, then it doesn't get long or adopted. Then we just make the same mistakes again and again and again. So we need people who are more holistic. We need people who dare to be with emotions, who dare to go through life, death, rebirth fan and mature and put these things into practice. Men can certainly do that too. But I actually think right now women have a bit of a head start in getting access to that wisdom to translate. And that's why it's so damn important that we dare to lean into it and we dare to become more and more who we are as women here instead of trying to imitate a culture that has been playing tricks. So it has kind of derived itself. So we're in the process of developing something new. And how do we do that as women? And that's what I want to try to talk about. How can we tap into this and help create this exciting new place where we need to make changes. We need to have our caring culture. It's primarily women. We need to look at who is the one who goes in and speaks loudest for us to change our institutional conditions. It's primarily women. If we look at many of these places that are calling for us to create a different economic framework, they are also men, but there are many women in this who hear the call and go with it. So we also have our own traps we have to be in. That's for sure. And the men will come along too. And the man is damn important in all this too. But right now, there is something that we women can do. In the early generations, men could do a lot in terms of creating a lot of growth, which was necessary for us to develop. Now we've come a bit too far up the ladder because the majority of men today. It's not that the man is wrong, but the majority of men today are over-identified with the masculine. So that means there's also a lack of balance. So we need this masculine feminine to come in and play both in the individual and on a collective level. And that's like the only thing I can see that we all really need to work for if we're to get our entire climate to come together. So it's these dynamics when there's too much imbalance, we need to get it balanced. And that applies personally, of course, on larger levels. Um, so it's this integration, which actually I would say all these points I'm making about how much time is left, all these points that I'm making about they will actually go in and touch on. And I would say some of the first one I touched on in relation to the fact that a lot of women will find it difficult to manage conflict and have difficulty delineating and standing by their opinions because they either think they don't have the arguments or doubt whether their arguments are valid or find it uncomfortable if they speak up and then someone wakes up to them. So this conflict shyness doesn't necessarily bother me, but I just experience it in many forms. Um, and I want to start by saying that for many of the women who sit and nod in response to it, some don't feel that way, but a lot of them want it that way, that this is what you have to understand yourself to be, it's a muscle that needs to be trained. One of the first things we need to get rid of here is that you think there's something wrong with you because you behave like a pleaser. That you have a tendency to go into the needs of others. And you have a tendency to say, well okay, I'll agree with your opinions, even though I actually disagree, because I don't want to, I don't want to create an imbalance in our relationship. I want to lose the relationship. I don't want the conflict. I think I don't, I'm afraid I'm going to be stupid. I'm afraid that what I say won't be true. Everything like that. Um, and first of all, you have to understand, this need to please or this, it's not about who you are as a person. So it's not a flaw in you. A lot of it is about dynamics between people, and then it's very much about how we will be shaped over generations. And then it's about, so it's somewhat about cultural training. Uh, and then it's also about how your biology works. Because if we look at how women's biology works right now, which has probably developed evolutionarily, because energy is, well, biology is not only static, but it takes, it takes many years to be affected and changed. This means that when you are under pressure, when you feel stressed, oxytocin is released in your system. Oxytocin is a chemical or hormone that wants to connect you more closely with other people. That is, you want to tend and befriend in conflicts in the majority of men. Not all men, but in many men, when pressured or actually in all men, but it's different how much testosterone is secreted. When they are pressured, their testosterone is triggered. Testosterone tells you to bound and fight. So these are two very different instructions or impulses you get in a pressure situation depending on whether you're a man or a woman, with individual variations of course. So it's no wonder that when you're under pressure, you get all the discomfort from the stress hormones, but at the same time you also get a very chemical reaction that tells you to make sure you become good friends with this person or they don't get too far away from each other, it can actually be dangerous for you. Because evolutionary biology has kind of, it may have been appropriate for women to seek and read other people's emotions, to be good at understanding other people's emotions, to be able to take care of other people's emotions to make sure that the conflict didn't escalate, because then we're not as physically strong as men, so water has to ensure survival. We don't know if that's the reason. It's the kind of thing you bring up when you try to come up with explanations. It's a possible plausible explanation, but probably just one piece of a much, much larger complex puzzle. But what you can know, regardless of why it is, just know that what often happens when you're struggling, when you're in a conflict situation, you start to feel your brain hammering, you're afraid of sounding stupid. You're afraid of creating conflict. You're afraid, you almost feel like your throat is closing up and you can't get the words out. Part of it is that you weren't allowed to express yourself in your childhood because it wasn't culturally accepted for girls to show angry aggression. Uh, you had to be a good girl, right? So it's just been there for generations. And a lot of it has been unconscious mirroring from a mother who had been met. There you go. So there's a lot of collective stuff there that puts credit. Plus you have a biology that kind of tells you to make sure you become good friends so that no one gets into dad. So that's just to let you know what you're up against. That doesn't mean that you can't learn to set boundaries. Just be aware of the most important step you're doing. The first step is to take things apart. Because what typically happens is that a woman thinks: “Oh god, it's me too, there's something wrong with me. Uh, I should be better at speaking up. I should be able to stand up for my opinions. Why can't I?” So it's one thing to feel like you're not being authentic in a situation, but then the moment you realize you're feeling inauthentic, you feel enormous guilt and shame because you think, I should have handled this better. And then you go down this downward spiral where you just end up feeling like a total nobody who can't do anything. It's not a very cool place to be. So the first step, it's more like aha, how interesting. These situations, it's actually super hard for me. My system is really working against me here. Wow, this is not it, it's not your fault. You've been imprinted and you have a biology if you do this. And then you can go in and work. Because when the guilt of the shame is taken out of the equation, then you can be like: “Ha, okay, what do I do now? Do I, am I experiencing this?” A lot of situations in my life, because I'm in a workplace where there's a lot of conflict, maybe because it's a sales environment or whatever, or there's a bad management structure or whatever the hell it might be? Is it actually something I want to be. Is it something that I can actually use this environment to train my ability to define myself, to communicate clearly where I stand. So instead of being so tricked by it, I can use, how can I use this situation to train this ability, which I can then use in other places in my life? Or are you like, no, you know what, I actually have too much of that s*** in my life. I've been in too much of those environments. And no matter how good I get at setting boundaries and talking about my needs and everything else, where I stand, it's just an environment full of conflict by definition, because there are some basic structures that don't work, that aren't taken care of, that I'm powerless to change because it's not my responsibility, so it's by changing jobs or partners or whatever the hell it might be. So it's a situation where you can use both your partnership and your job and also with your kids. Of course, we can't just change the kids, can we? So there you are, and there we are forced. That's why children are so spiritually eye-opening for us, because we can't we can't we can't run away from them. We can change the jobs. We can change our partners. We can change our friends. And we can't really change our kids so that they stay there. But what you can do is to know like, okay, I can actually use this for something. I can actually use these situations to practice a skill and become wiser about myself and how I act in these situations. Or I can know that, no, that's not what I want. I've simply realized that I'm not the kind of person who thrives in that environment. I don't thrive with the kind of partner where I can see that there are some behavioral patterns I've found in all partners, and I can just feel that I'm done. I'm done with that conflict spiral and now I'm doing something else. And then it may be that you have to confront another wound, the fear of being abandoned. Then you might say, well, okay, that's actually what I have to deal with, because I have to go for this partner. Work on myself. Work on the fear of abandonment. The fear of not being filled up with love and all that stuff that we also have. And when I work on that and take it home, then I will be able to attract other partners. So these whole life circumstances will help you in terms of working with the patterns that you have, which you all have. Men have their patterns too, but I would say there can be a little difference in how we each work with these patterns. And there is a deep island of wisdom in the woman, and there is a deep ability. The woman's brain also works much more across the two hemispheres, where the man's is quite often only focused in one place. And it's probably about how the brain, how man and woman have been stimulated over thousands and thousands, maybe even millions, in terms of how we have tried to ensure survival. And that's why women are naturally quite skilled project managers and take it very naturally in everyday life, which is not always appropriate, because then she actually boils over. As a woman, you'll typically already be thinking about those tempero pants that need to be washed by Thursday, then there's a cabin trip. So you'll be running all the time and it can be very difficult to turn your brain off. This means that the woman is extremely skilled at thinking holistically and constantly making sure to be at the forefront of what's going to happen to ensure everyone's safety. But you can also end up burning down. So then the woman is at a greater risk of ending up in a cycle of thoughts and that guilt-shame spiral where it just drives a man down. The men who are in the gender spectrum, where they have I tried to say they have female behavior, but that's not how it works, but who are more hormonal, so they are in the part of the gender spectrum where they exhibit some of the same behavioral signs will feel the same way. So the trick is also to get your mind right. So if you can recognize both this thing about meeting other people's needs, and you recognize this thing about meeting other people's needs so much that your brain actually feels like you're short-circuiting. And it will end up short-circuiting, I mean you feel burnt out, constantly tired all the time, when you can't sleep because you're constantly thinking, what did I forget, and what was she looking at me strangely, and what about that guy, and who did I bake a cake for God, she's also sick, should I go down with some soup and all that crap, right? In other words, your brain is working overtime. When you feel like that, you have to start saying no. No, no, no. And it will often be deeply uncomfortable for you, because you're used to taking on all of these things. So it has to be something about letting go of the mask. That can be difficult. It's something like saying, no, I'm not baking a cake for the next parent-teacher meeting. I'm actually not coming to the parents' meeting at all. There's something about this, when your brain is there, it tells you that you're overworked and you're overstressed. And so and so and so often we get to the point where we start repairing ourselves. Oh, God, I haven't taken good enough care of myself, and I should too, and so we get into that guilt and shame again. More to see the simple system. Fantastic brain and fantastic body that starts to say, hey, hey, now I can't really hold it anymore. How can I like clear the calendar and get something down? So something in your system will have a really hard time with you not going into this pleasure role. Um, but it can be insanely beneficial for you to work with it. And it's also important that you don't suddenly need to be able to go to some extreme level of mastery. Now I always say exactly how I feel in all situations. I stand by myself 100% in all situations. It would be a bit like if you've never run a day in your life, and then in two days' time you had to run a marathon. Well, that's not how it works and that's not how it should work. So you should see it more like you're training a muscle. So it's that when you start changing a pattern, this pattern can be pleasant and unpleasant. It may be that it says okay that one out of 10 times you just say no, I don't actually mean that, I actually disagree where your whole system is dying, so you're like oh god I'm telling someone or something your whole system is about to completely collapse. But you're just like no, I don't actually agree with that. Well, then we will disagree. Or so it will say one out of one out of 10 out of 10 times you actually do something else. The other nine times, you'll still leave a meeting or walk away from something feeling that okay, I wasn't completely authentic or I didn't quite get the message across. The art is here in these situations, what they call the loving inner knowledge, and say ha interesting, that was difficult for me. Hm. Well, and then self-love. Okay, there will probably be a new situation where I can practice. It's okay, it's okay. It's okay, it's okay. You have to see it as a muscle that needs to be retrained. So you can't run a marathon after that, but you can start practicing it. And then enjoy your successes. So just like yes, I got straight from today and yes, it was in a beaver voice and yes, it was a bit too aggressive and yes, it was a bit clumsy. All this stuff, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It's great because that's what happens when you exercise a muscle. The first time you run, it's run before, it's going to look a bit clumsy too. That's just the way it is. So it's not about who you are. It's about you trying to teach your system something new that they haven't learned yet. And so therefore, when you practice the little things, slowly you will slowly build up over time, it gets easier and it gets better and suddenly you will find yourself in a situation where you just don't agree with that without your system reacting without you feeling like you're dying without you losing the relationship and where you can also meet and part ways again. It's just like, well, we saw one of it's okay and it would be such a huge. It can be something you've hungered to be able to do and dreamed of doing for many years and all of a sudden it comes naturally. And it's all these mini exercises that you've had over time that would get you there. So it's in relation to comfort vision. Connect with comfort vision. Just have to keep up with the times. A lot of women experience a great hunger to be mirrored lovingly by everyone they meet. Um and of course there is that too, it's not because men don't also want to be loved but it's not so many men don't have the same okay come on let's get to it many women can have this experience that if they have a day let's say they are close to having their period and they already maybe have a little difficulty in terms of thinking healthy lovely thoughts about themselves. In other words, they can quickly feel that they are failing in many different ways. If you're a bit, uh, a bit down and you're kind of in that death phase, menstrual-like, where you have to go out and perform what you have to do in the world, but you don't actually, you really just want to lie in bed, but there's money to be made and stuff like that, right? And then you say you're shopping in Netto, and then you meet a colleague who's already there and you say hello to him. Someone you actually really like, but who you've also always admired for their great skills. Uh, and whom you've also secretly been a little envious of, because it's like, oh, I just wish I was a little more like him or her in some situations. And then let's say this colleague just kind of shakes his or her head, but hey, I don't have time to talk and leaves again. That might be enough to ruin your whole day, maybe your whole week. Why wasn't I recognized by this colleague? Why didn't this person give me a hug? Why why why why didn't we have a more cordial exchange? Why didn't the person ask if we should see each other again? Is it because the person doesn't like me? Because then there can be these long long stories where right there you feel like I'm only being validated as the person I am. If the world around me is constantly validating me based on a specific form or way that you've thought in here, that this is how I should be chosen. And half of this, it's not about who the fuck you are. It's again about how have we been met, how have we not been met? How do we function in pressure situations, how is it to be with difficult emotions? Because we also mirror ourselves in each other. When we see something in others that we wish we had ourselves, we become both inspired and jealous. That's how it works for all of us. So it's more about whether you can stand to be with that. At the same time, when you get jealous, you feel guilty about it, you feel jealousy, all that stuff, because it's a dark feeling. You're not allowed to have it in our society and stuff like that, but it's a very natural state. The question is what to do with it. There's nothing wrong with the feeling or condition in itself. So you could say that not many men I've spoken to experience this, where they're more like maybe the person was having a bad day, you know, rationally, like, well, we didn't bother, he didn't bother talking or something or she didn't bother talking. So it's as if there are too many men, not all of them, so this is not where they are so vulnerable. They can be exposed in other areas, where every time I talk to women, I see so many women sitting like, oh, I know that one well, that one. So there's something here, that we have some kind of internal imagination. We have a feeling that if I'm going to be, if I'm going to have the right as a person to be here and have the right to take up space and be who I am, then I need to be validated by the people I meet, even if it's just down the street at the supermarket. And there's something in that, the conviction that doesn't hold water at all, because you have 100% right to be here. No matter who the hell doesn't like you. The only thing you can be absolutely sure of is that someone finds you annoying as hell. That's the way it is. All of us. And it's not at all, it's not your job to make sure that everyone likes you. The problem is that when we try to please everyone, and when we try to get everyone to like us, we're in the comfort zone. And that's when we go from that into other people's needs, other people's feelings, that's when you've lost yourself. I actually experienced it. I've experienced it too. It's typically through the difficult experiences that we become aware of it. Had, right? I did a talk at one point where I had to talk about screen time for children, and I can say a lot of wise things about that. Um, but this was at a school where there were a lot of parents with autism. And you can say that there's a lot of evidence that shows that we're going to put a lot of autistic children and give them a lot of screen time sometimes, because autistic children can have enormous difficulty with eye contact, but it's not necessarily very good for children with autism. I can understand parents who do that because they're strapped and it's hard to have children who are on the autism spectrum, but the screen can just sometimes exacerbate conditions both ADHD and autism and in children with autism. And I was supposed to talk about this, and there was just so much in me that I couldn't get into it, even though I could really just relate to what the research says and not have any personal judgment about it. But there were a lot of parents who had children with autism. And for me, it was just kind of like that, I went completely into their lives. I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't bear it if I said something that made them sad, or made them powerless, that made them overwhelmed. So what happened was that I went into their emotions without knowing at all whether they were overwhelmed, whether they were scared. It could well be that they just want to ship some tools for fuck's sake. Give me this knowledge, I need it. And I got really weaving. And so I kind of finished this for drag and then also got feedback on it afterwards. And it was kind of great. But there were actually also several people who had said that they actually thought I was starting to get a bit annoying because in trying to compensate for all this, oh my god, how are you doing out there now, I got so fumbling in relation to the fact that there are so many examples from my own way of using a screen with my own son in my own family and it can be fine it can be really fine but when you become hesitant and hesitant and try to shift focus and be above the needs of others the moment you leave yourself So everything that comes out of your mouth is not grounded. And then you appear ungrounded. And when you're not grounded, you just become kind of annoying to listen to. Not because you're annoying as a person, but because people can't feel you. They can't feel, where the hell are you in all that? Why do you say that and why don't you go that way? And so on and so forth. It becomes this weird mishmash. And it's actually the case that some of the experiences where we learn the most are the ones that hurt the most. And here we also come to the point I've also written about why it's so damn important that we women and in relation to our daughters, especially for boys, but I would say especially for girls, that we must learn to fall on our asses. We must learn to fail. We have to learn to accept the negative feedback or what we observe as negative feedback. Because it's one, if you go and look at my website compared to all sorts of others who are selling products, you would be able to read under recommendation and my course and everything else all the people who have loved it. And that's really, really nice, and that's great. It's great. And you also need to get positive feedback so people can use what you do. That's really important. So it's not that it shouldn't be there. But that's what typically moves you the most, what has moved me the most, every single time I've felt something, it's because someone had the courage to say, I don't actually think there was anything there. What the hell was that? What went wrong there? Or what happened there? It's insanely uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable not to be booked again for something or other, because then you think, oh my god, because they think I'm something or other. All that is super uncomfortable, but you learn so much from it, because you can be absolutely sure that you don't always show off. You can be absolutely sure that not everyone is crazy about you. You can be absolutely sure that someone loves you, but someone hates you. You. And it's not about who the hell you are. It's because we're naturally drawn to someone. And others we feel repulsed by. Not in a summation, but more like energetically. No, the way she talks or looks or it doesn't speak to me or whatever it might be. I'm not in that place in my life or whatever. So that's why it's so fucking important that we learn to be in this pain when we get criticism and negative feedback or are in a breakup or friends who are like, now I have to move on, or I don't think there are any conflicts, something we should talk about here. Because what typically happens to us women is that men do it too, but in a different way. What typically happens to us women is that when we receive this, instead of letting it affect our self-confidence, because self-confidence and self-esteem are two very different things. Our confidence is about, for example, in this situation where I got too weepy because I'm too much into their needs. It's really about building the ability to hold and feel, well, okay, I'm actually afraid I'm going to step on someone's toes. Then I can say it out loud, just like, okay, this is super vulnerable. We need to talk about it anyway, so I stay in my own lane, so I'm not wavering out here, and so I don't lose myself, and so I appear much more clear and distinct. So it's really about building the ability to say, it's really just a skill. In the same way as if you're learning to drive a car, uh, and then you come to a dead stop and it goes out because you can't find the clutch point. You really just need to learn how to find the clutch point. That is, by practicing enough times, so you also need to practice standing in this now in a lecture context, but it can be applied to anything. So you should know that when you start something, you won't be very good. And even when you get really good, every time you go into new levels or more people you have to speak to or whatever the hell it is you're moving into, there's still going to be this okay, here I have something new I can actually learn. And women have an increased risk of falling into the perfectionism trap. Unlike men, I would actually say that men can of course also have no doubt, but I would like to put it a little differently, because this perfectionism is linked to the feeling that we are destined to be here. So we feel as if we have an interpretation that if I'm not perfect all the time, then there's something wrong with me as a human being. It's interfering with my existence. It can just be because I was just tired or I just screwed up or I didn't bother to prepare properly or whatever the hell it might be, which of course hurts and it's annoying but it goes in and affects our whole core. Um, and it shouldn't because that's not what it's about at all. Self-esteem is about your sense of self that you're a worthy lovable human being who is meant to be breathing and giving love and receiving love. No matter what the hell you're doing. That is, no matter what. It's simply your entire basic existence that is essentially untouchable. So, you could say that around it, there can be all sorts of different distinctions and behaviors that can be more or less appropriate. And it's these behaviors that are affected when we get criticized, when we fall on our asses. And it's really just these behaviors that need to be adjusted. If we fall on our asses and get a lot of criticism, maybe because we're in a work environment that's not right for us, where we can't really express ourselves, we get some bumps in the road because we have an opportunity to, oh, okay, I need to bring home the bacon and stuff. Awesome, man. I was deeply grateful for the feedback I got at that lecture, because I could sense that something was off when I went home, just like, there's something wrong here, but I was still vulnerable enough that I couldn't really go into it, and the feedback was like, oh god, there's nothing worse than being told you're being annoying. Um, but that was, but the person who wrote the feedback was really nice and was also kind of like, I actually don't like giving this feedback either, because you were really good, and it was really good. But now that you've asked for feedback, it's only right to give it to you. And this is where we women can also make a mistake in our whole comfort system, that we don't actually dare to give each other the feedback that's right in front of us. Here, men often seem to be much better at being straightforward. Um, and men can be a bit harsh, which women can also find too harsh. But we can actually learn something from the men here, because what often happens in female communities is that we sit and talk, and then we boost each other up, and you're so beautiful, and you're so talented, and you're so amazing, and you just have to go with your heart, and it's really great. And then the moment someone leaves the group, we sit and bitch, right? Well, we have a shadow side that we have to deal with, because the woman also has aggression. The man's aggression often comes out more directly, whereas the woman's aggression comes out more in a kind of slanderous, uh, I pull you close and then turn my back on you. That's the whole game. And we've all experienced it in our teenage years, but it can still happen in women's groups when we're actually adult women. So it's something about resisting the need to slay. It can be difficult. It's in us, because the aggression has to come out. So again, it's not about you being a bad person. It's about understanding how aggression works. So if you experience this, have a lot of friendships where there's a lot of gossip and stuff like that, and you're very drawn to gossip magazines and stuff like that, just be aware of, okay, I wonder if I have some pent-up anger that I need to take care of because it needs to find its way somehow. So and because anger, direct anger in the woman has been so suppressed for so long, the aggression has to come out in other ways. And then it becomes a kind of poison gas that comes out between the side bones. And therefore, and if this is a pattern that you recognize, it's super important to take care of it, it's actually to bring the poison gas home and then get hold of the anger and then transform it, because here you will actually be able to delimit yourself in the situation and say no to a much greater extent, because that poison gas will just sour and destroy your relationships in the long run. Um, so there's something very interesting about how women's aggression works. And I would actually say that there's a lot more anger in women than we realize. And it's a shame, because if we get hold of that, holy shit, we can get hold of a lot of our power lying there, not in the anger directly, but encapsulated behind all this angry bile that just lies there for many generations. So when we kind of learn to transform it, you're crazy, we can release a lot of vital energy. And when you get a hold of this, you'll actually sometimes experience that you become extremely horny. So these were periods when you have a huge sex drive, which can actually drive you crazy. I experienced that myself, because I had kind of written off sex and stuff like that. Yes, but it's very nice. It's a bit like eating good food once in a while. Until I worked with my own anger and saw this connection, just like, holy shit. Because I've been someone who had poison gas myself. Uh, and I was also one myself not to a great extent. I actually thought I had overcome it, but I hadn't. It's very interesting. It was only when I got a hold of this bubbling anger that I was scared shitless that I realized, okay, there's something here that's interesting. And the moment I got a hold of that anger, my need for all that slavering was much less. And the relationships I had, where we kind of cultivated the slapping to balance out this aggression, they kind of disappeared from my life more or less quite naturally without a lot of drama. That doesn't mean I can still fall in. We all have traps, whether you're male or female or whatever the hell we have. So we shouldn't be so afraid of this. So if you've just gone full throttle with some good girlfriends or something, well, hey, we just fell into that hole. So fair enough. Just be aware that it's there. So if you've suddenly fallen into a time in your life where there's a lot of, I praise all the clouds, and then I stab them in the back, and when they're not there, then it's not necessarily about you being a bad person, but there is a behavior pattern that is important to take care of because it also means that there is something in you a life energy in you that you actually do not have access to because this behavior pattern will prevent you from accessing it and in that way it becomes instead of being something you pound yourself over the head with a guilty conscience about, it just becomes something like holy shit okay I am conditioned by many different things. Let me be a little curious about that. So it was your great hunger to be met lovingly, um, by others. Pay attention to that because the more you can set others free to not have to meet you in a certain way, the more you will actually be met in the way you want to be. And the more you can distinguish between, okay, that person is definitely not meeting me very lovingly. They're having a hard time, I offer my help. The person who is continually struggling always becomes dependent on someone to come and help them, where they just get caught in some cycle of dependency that I get dragged into. They need to be broken. The most loving thing to do there. So it's about knowing the difference between what and what in these different relationships we have. Some of the things I touched on earlier in relation to slander and slavery and all that. It's also a bit related to these important female tribes. It doesn't matter if you're self-employed or whatever. It's super important to have good women in your life. It's super important to have good male friends, but it's also really important to have good female friends, because they typically have different skills. And many women find it extremely enjoyable to have some women. They actually feel like several women have said, if only I were gay, because then I would get married to my girlfriends. But I'm just not turned on by them, so I can't do that. Because many women feel enormously seen and met because they meet someone who likes them there. And a brain works the same way and you can start a sentence and then the woman finishes it because you're completely insincere. It's absolutely wonderful to be met here and to be able to lean into it because it's so familiar and that's why it becomes so safe. So I would always recommend having as many good women in your life as you can for God's sake, but go for the quality instead of the quantity and make sure you are the quality instead of the quantity in terms of your own female relationships. And some female relationships you want to have because you just kind of want to know that you look okay you we almost like we've fucking known each other before or and that's how it can feel maybe you have who knows so we're on some rock out in some extended universe. We don't really know shit, but there can be that deep sense of connection and recognizability that can almost be like you and I are connected so deeply that we're going to be together for life without you talking to each other so often. That doesn't have to be the case. Other women will be in your life momentarily. Often that's what happens when you as a woman take a back seat. We start a business, change jobs, uh, change partners, get divorced, uh, have kids or whatever the hell happens in your life, you will be drawn to different environments. Um, and there may also be some friendships that can't be taken there, and there may be some new friendships, and it's super important to find this support. And it's so important that you have someone who has your back, who can support you, who understands you, and who can go deep into the emotional layers of this. Sometimes we put that need on our partner, who can't and shouldn't necessarily meet us there. And then we can get such a hunger to be seen and met in a way that is not his job at all. So make sure you have different people in your life that you use for different things, so that we don't end up putting our partner as our greatest lover. He has to be our best friend. He has to be the best father. He has to be able to read and understand our feelings before we've ever gotten there ourselves. In other words, he should be able to do everything and we should be everything to him. It's completely unrealistic. So we sometimes suffocate the relationship with all these very, very high expectations. Then we share some of these needs so that your 13 and not have to fulfill it all. What I would say is even more important in relation to these critic tribes, though, is to actually be with the great sadness when you are called to go from one drive to another. Sometimes you'll be done, and then a chapter you're done with, maybe you've followed the UN approach. It might just be something that you've followed me around conscious parenting, because I've written a lot about it and have been very much into it and have connected a lot and created my own environment about it, and all of a sudden children get older or you're like, well I actually agree with a lot, it's very beautiful, but now I'm just interested in it over here. Or it could be many things, or it could be that you were vegan at one point and suddenly you're not vegan anymore, or it could be that you were a meat eater and became vegan. So who knows, many things can change in your life. And sometimes these shifts come in a way that you didn't ask for. You are called to change where you are. It can be illness, it can be divorce. Often it comes through crises. Um, and all of a sudden you become more nuanced about something, you become more knowledgeable about something, or you go in a new direction in life. Um, and we hope that everyone we've talked to, that our old self, our old personality talked to, that they can just freely slip into your new sense of self that happens in this transformation. Because that's not how it works. Because let's say, for example, if you've been vegan and start eating meat, there are many from the vegan world who refuse to follow you over there. So it's just one, it could just be one thing. It could also be that you're a Social Democrat and then become Liberal Alliance. I mean, who knows, anything can happen, anything can happen. So it's more to say when you move from one to something else. So some of the people that you felt the most connected to, you can suddenly end up experiencing almost as a kind of enemy or at least like that relationship can't continue. It's like life, death, rebirth, right? So it's a death process. So every time you expand, you expand your horizon, you become something more, you moon the next level, there will always be a death process. It can be insanely uncomfortable. It feels like a vacuum, if you're standing and if you recognize what I'm talking about right now, you're in a period in your life where you've been one and now you're being called to something else and you started sniffing it. You started to get other points of view. You started to integrate something new into your life. And you're standing right there where you're just like, s*** man, I feel like I'm in a vacuum where what I know dies. So I feel like I'm simply being ripped out from under me. It's deeply uncomfortable because the nervous system doesn't like not having anything to stand on. But that feeling where you feel completely exposed, completely naked, and you stand there thinking who the hell am I in our ego, our mind has a huge need to know what's happening to ensure survival. So that place for your mind is insanely uncomfortable. Like okay, I knew who I was yesterday. Right now, I have no idea who the hell I am because the new me hasn't been created yet. In that vacuum, it's all about breathing, breathing and feeling the things that come up. You simply have to go through this cycle of death so that all of a sudden hope would just spring up, and then things start to sprout up again. You start making new relationships. You start reading new books, you start seeing new lectures. And all of a sudden, things start to synchronously fall into place in your life. You start to realize that Ah okay, now I'm starting to understand, I'm still the same me that I was. So there are some things that don't change, but you connect new things to the new place you're in, and then you land in it, and then you're like, oh okay, now I've settled in until it happens again. It's going to happen throughout your life. And the good thing about this happening throughout life is that it also gives us an enormous sense of humility, and I've learned really hardcore from that myself, because with my quick mind here, or my brain, which is holistic and everything else, I can be a little bit, well, but I've got, holy shit, how much I know. I know exactly how things are put together. Every time I end up in such an uncontrolled thought, baf, I just come and pull the rug out from under just like f***, I haven't fallen shit. It's just and I say the first time I experienced, shut up, I was down and out, are you done? And I was just like, god, I can't say anything. I can never say anything ever again. I can't do what I thought I knew how things were connected. Then there's both of them here. I mean, I'm like, I can't, I just don't know anything. And that doesn't work either, does it? At some point you have to formulate a sentence and stand by something. So everything is not only relative either, but it's that place of paradox and paradoxicality that is so overwhelming. So I've been there many times. I obviously find people who have to go through a lot of these things. Um I wouldn't say I haven't gotten to the point where I love them. That would be too much to say. I've gotten to the point where I understand the gift in them and I can tolerate them. So I'm kind of like, okay, here we are again. That's fine. That's fine. I know the drill. And then there's this. Then I'm just past them. And then I don't know what to say, and then I'm super tired, and then I don't know who I am, and all of a sudden I find out a bit more about who I am, and stuff like that, right? So not everyone necessarily needs to have as many of them as I do. Well, you can't say it's like that, and for some of you it might be like, well, I don't know about that. I think we all know it to one degree or another, but how much it takes up in your life. In my experience, it's quite individual. Uh, some people take a few of them, and then there are also others who run through them quite often. Uh, so just know that there is such a fixed ruler for this. You'll come out the other side. It'll be bright again. But it's hard when you're in that very, very black place. The death phase is the hardest, because there's no help in our culture. Because we always have to be so, we have to be so posing and so happy and so joyful and so exuberant and so not wrinkled and so and that's the opposite of death. So you don't really get any help in the culture, because our culture is quite teenage-like. It's quite youthful. Uh, and that is to say, they have some good aspects of youthfulness, but there are also many of those maturity aspects that are just completely watered down and just not there. Also because we're a young species, so we also need to mature our culture further. In other words, you're a bit left behind and need some help here. And this is where you can get help from spirit to nature. And you need to find some mature help to be with you here. It could be older women or maybe just some women who naturally have that mature wisdom. Or it could be some specific literature or some poetry or some movies or some art or nature. It can be different, what you can kind of lose yourself in here. It can be to sometimes go for a walk and observe how the leaves kind of fall down and die, right? By then it turns into mulch, and then it feeds the soil and the animals, and then it comes back to life. So sometimes it can be just like wow, that's also what happens in my psyche. So that help can come in many ways, because you're kind of in the position of knowing like okay yeah, death might not be the most comfortable place for me to be, but it's natural. And it's not about me being wrong. It's not about you. It's not about you being wrong. It's something about a pyschic, a natural psychic process that is necessary if you want something new in your life. In the moment you've asked for, I actually want a different kind of relationship. I want a different kind of love life. I want to have a different work life. I want to live somewhere else where it doesn't smell of damp in the basement. That's just our thing, you know. But just like that moment, well, then you send out the intention. And if any of you know what it's like to manifest what you want. And there's a lot of truth to that. You just have to know in the moment that you want to manifest it, because then we want to say, you just have to have pure love, and it will come to you if you just think high thoughts and stuff like that. And some of that's true, but the moment you think, you need to know that too, then you invite death in. You won't have room for anything new if you're not going to die. So that means if you want to have a different kind of partnership than the one you have with your respective partner, either you have to go through the purgatory together and change your partnership, or you have to leave him, which can be very painful or her if you're with her, right? And it's the same if you want a different working life, let's say you want to be self-employed or you're tired of being self-employed and you want to get into a paid job that gives you the right opportunities, the right fulfillment. Whatever you want, it's something that will require you to shut down where you are now. Plus, it's going to require you to get some bones in the new place. Whether it's building a clientele, or whether it's having to fit into a work environment where you're far too likely to agree with everyone. So no matter what, every time you want to move, you'll be ecstatic about the positive changes as well as inviting death to dinner. Just know that they always come, change always comes with death. And you don't have to become death, but you have to go through death. So sometimes we get to I actually want a new relationship, but I'm avoiding death, so I just go on, isn't there something called Victoria Launch or something? There are these, there are these dating sites where you can kind of undercover fuck someone else, and then you can kind of not tell your partner, and then you can kind of have both without saying anything out loud. It's really an attempt to avoid death because it's so uncomfortable for us. So, we want to avoid the pain that death brings. Because there is also pain in death. It cannot be avoided. The pain is not wrong, but we have just never learned in our culture how to deal with the pain. And so we try to avoid it. And then we can end up making all sorts of strange leaps of faith, which typically just create more chaos and more pain in our lives in the long run, because at some point our antics will be discovered. Well, they just might because we can't keep trying and we can't keep half-wishing and half-doing something new that we don't really want to do. We can do that, but the problem is that at some point we'll get slapped because life just doesn't work like that. So just be aware of the death process. And that death process will also be there when you go from one queen tribe to another women's tribe. It's completely natural. And you may well find yourself in a situation where you suddenly feel like you have no woman in your life, because you've felt like you've left an entire environment until you find a place in a new environment. And that can feel uh well it can feel sinful to your heart. It can really really really hurt like crazy to stand there. Also because the women you are leaving have meant so much to you. And you can actually do a meditation like that where you're really with that love for those women and all that deep deep deep gratitude for what they've helped you with and how they've contributed to your life and stay with it. And then also allowing the pain that that journey is over. And I would actually say, who has gone through all the jams, is it because we just can't agree? So if that journey is over, you will know. You'll know when it's that authentic, yes, the journey is over, but it's nobody's fault. It's just the way it is. And there you can be pure in the pain, because then we don't have to like, it's also because she can't understand, and it's also because she doesn't get it. A lot of times we end up with this kind of confession, because then we avoid the pain, right? Sometimes we just travel past it and it's okay. It's okay. Ooh, the clock is ticking. The paradox of motherhood. Should I also talk a little bit about what happens to a lot of women in motherhood as they are the ones I talk to the most about motherhood because it's like the way it's often the approach they have to me and this is that for many women I would say the majority fortunately there is such a huge hunger feels at some point a physical and spiritual hunger to bring one or more children into the world and I would almost say that hunger is so great that you can't really turn it off or that's also why it can be so insanely painful if the pregnancy can't succeed. And uh and there are all sorts of wonderful and beautiful things in it. And I think it's also extremely necessary, because if there's anything that requires a lot, it's bringing children into the world. And the huge investment that the woman makes, which unfortunately we don't understand and recognize in our culture, because the woman is the body, you have been promoting DNA in your body for nine months. Theoretically, it shouldn't be possible, because normally the body will reject foreign DNA, but to bring this child into the world, it is actually possible. So you have to go through a birth, which you could say, well, we live in a modern society where it's rare for mother and child to die. But that's not to say that childbirth is risk-free by any means. So it's a huge investment of your life energy. It's a huge investment of your body. It's a huge investment of your entire focus shifts enormously to the baby. And I would actually say that even women who are perhaps more in the part of the gender spectrum where they like to be out and about, that is, they like the competitive working life. They're not naturally looking for family members and so on. So they get right up and maybe you could say that the hunger to have a child astounds them. They hadn't thought they were going to have children. All of a sudden it was like, God, I want to. Oh, how strange. So even many of those women I would actually experience that even they would feel this, God, I just thought I could work 10 hours a day and then get some nanny to look after my child, but several of them just have it, they have awakened something in them just like, I can't do that. Or a part of me wants to, because it's a big part of who I am. But this child, having a child just changes so much for so many women, and we get to give so much of our life energy. It's this child. The shamans, who work very energetically with people and who are very able to see energy around people and see where there are imbalances. So it's a different way of working with people. What they actually say I think is quite interesting because they can see the life energy as a field around the human body and what they say with parents is that for many parents, especially when the child is younger, it's almost as if the human life energy or etheric energy is almost in some cases not there at all because it requires so much of your energy to give to your child. In other words, you actually sacrifice an insane amount of your own life energy to make this child and the future grow up. So you sacrifice yourself for the future. So there's something really, really beautiful in that, but it's also hard as hell. And it's like in our society, you have to be able to get pregnant, then you have to lose weight again quickly, then you have to enter the labor market quickly, then you have to be able to cook, and you have to earn money, and you have to be able to do all this at the same time. It's completely inhumane. I mean, it's completely unmanly. I never thought it should be like that at all, because you're already just having a baby will consume so much of your energy, because that's how it is. That's what it means to have a child. It takes an insane amount of age. So it's also this thing about not perishing, because yes, we are created to be able to withstand giving off this life energy until the child can stand on its own, but then you have to pull it back again. And I don't mean when the child is 18 or 21 or whenever the child gets it from home. Of course you will keep giving something and you will use mental capacity, you will use thoughts, you will spend a lot also on your adult children and stuff. Yes, that's for children. It's not going to change, but it's just important to be aware that you're at risk of burning out here if you're not aware of how the hell you get this energy back up again. And you need to feel the call. And I would say that the call doesn't come like that, an angel doesn't come for someone who says: “Sweetheart, now you have permission to take your energy back again. Thank you, thank you. Bye bye.” With a little bit of an angel you realize that's not how it's done. The call comes as anger. Poison gas through your side bones. Racing fits. I don't want my kids. I can't stand them. I mean, they come out in these ways. They come out in ways that are least recognized in our culture. And it can also come out as I don't want my partner. I'm simply so tired. I can't take it anymore. I can't be there for both my partner and my children. I can't get rid of my children. So I have to get rid of my partner. So I can come out in many strange ways. And of course, the more pressured you are by all sorts of life circumstances, the more you will experience this. So you can say and sometimes you'll even experience this when you have a child that's so small but still doesn't need it very much, where you can't do it. Let's say you have a child who has a severe disability. Let's say you got pregnant shortly after having child number one. So that means you have two very, very young children and have twins or something else. So you're in a situation where you're a single parent and don't have any help. So, you may actually experience the call earlier than your child is actually ready for you to start releasing or bringing your energy back home. And situations like that, it's about finding as much relief as possible so that you can get refueled and you can continue to give something to your child. But the more the child becomes more and more independent and starts to be able to walk on their own, i.e. walk more and more away from you in appropriate doses. So this is a much more intuitive dance. So this is the thing about parenting has two functions. The accelerator and the brake. And I would say the brake is where we pull our children close. We remove all kinds of demands. That is, we and we are like okay, you really need me to shower you with my guidance, with my wisdom, with my reassurance. And the accelerator is like, okay, now you can go out into the world by yourself. Then I stand here and release you energetically because it's also important that we release our children so that they can take on the world on their own. And it's damn hard to know when to do one or the other. We stumble around in it. So you shouldn't be able to do that. There's no expectation that you can do it flawlessly, because we can't. But sometimes just the fact that you experience, sometimes you will have experienced that you have held them where you should have let go and you have let go where you should have pulled them home. But then you'll see those behaviors in the relationship between you, and then it's just too messed up. So it's more about understanding when you start having these thoughts, I want to live alone, I can't stand my kids. Why am I crying? Why am I having these crying spells? Why am I feeling depressed? So when you start to get this, or you start to get such a budding, it can also come as something positive. It comes as now I actually want to take that education. Now I want to make a career path, now I want to establish myself as self-employed, whatever it may be, go with it. And of course, you might be thinking, but I can't, I can't just go with it. I'm looking after my three children at home, so I can't just go out and take a course that costs 100,000. No, that's true. But what you can do is figure out how to get where I want to go, I've heard the call. It's time to break free. So. And here it may well be if you're a homemaker and you have the ideology that this is how it should be. If you get the call to go out and do something else, you have to take it. And of course, you might have to figure out how do I make this work? Is it that I stay home less days a week? Is it that I got my I actually think my kids would be fine if I got into school or is it something about your husband being able to start babysitting? So you need to find out sometimes you will get a call to something that goes against your current ideology and it hits you like a hammer also because here we also came across here you may have to fix the tribe you are part of because it may well be that you break out of that tribe to do something else. It could also be that you have a career job and have had children and you've gotten yourself to lift yourself up with schools and institutions and think that you're doing really well, and I'm bailing you out career-wise, and then you actually get a call to pull your children out of an institution they're not happy in, to go home with them. So it would be just as big a reversal of both scenarios for these two women. So it's not so much about whether it's one or the other. It's about the fact that where you stand, you will feel a call for something. Very often we shut down that calling because no, I've chosen this, I can't do it. Or it's not possible at all. I don't have the money. I don't even see how I can get there. When you hear a call like that, damn it, listen, write it down and start doing this. Okay, how can I make small steps that way? How can I start having savings, how can I, okay, how about childcare? What about when they're that age and what like that? Start thinking already, how can I just make small steps? If you get too discouraged, it's probably because you've taken too big a bite of the new path and say, now I can't even see it. Just like that, no, you might not need a $100,000 degree right now, but what about in two years? What about in three years? How do you get there? So the most important thing is not so much. It's more about the process than the goal. It's about taking that calling seriously. And that means that when that call comes and you need to bring some energy home, some creative energy, so that you can find a creative way to get you to this new calling that this new calling is about, is about or is all about. So for God's sake, take the calling seriously. No matter how strange or how crazy you think it sounds. Write it down in your mind. I feel like I have to do this. I don't see how it can fit into my life circumstances at all, but I have to take it seriously and I have to start working with it creatively and start manifesting it. Sometimes it's just an image or it's just a feeling or it's just a feeling or your condition and so on and so forth but then as soon as you start working and allowing yourself to work with it, then you'll find that magically things kind of start to fall into place maybe over a period of years but that's okay. It's just a matter of this mind being able to cope with such a long process. Yes, we don't. It was motherhood. Yes, it was motherhood. And that's the thing about motherhood, because what can sometimes be difficult is that we can be extremely worried. We can take an over response to our children, so we can be, when you have to bring energy back to yourself, it also means that some of the huge responsibility that you've taken on for your children has to be passed onto your partner or you have to bring some energy home. Because that means there are some things you start not doing as you have done in the past. And what can you fall into your comfort zone? You can fall into this boundary setting thing. So it's a great way for you to open up these things as well. Leave boundaries and say: “No, I don't want to hear that you're having a hard time. I can't help you right now because I simply have to take care of this.” But that one over there can help you, right? So, in that way, when you listen to you listening to that call, you are also forced to practice some of these other things. They simply go hand in hand. But if you don't dare to practice the other things, you won't listen to the call. So in that way, they are very much connected. Then there's this thing with sexuality. I've touched on this a little bit in relation to sexuality being very juicy and very much connected to anger. And I would actually say that it's most fascinating when we start to be with anger. And by anger, I don't mean that you then start spewing it all over everyone in your circle. That's how it will start when you start to get a hold of the anger. Then you'll start spewing dragon fire on everything and anything and everyone. Especially if you've never really done it before. The first step in tapping into the anger. Don't stay there because it's not really something anyone here can handle. But just knowing that is the first step. Just like that, shut the fuck up. And that's often where children get in touch with it. The next step is to learn to feel the anger before you spew it out like fire on others. Typically, it's because you've said yes to too much. You haven't defined yourself enough. Not created enough breathing spaces for yourself. You haven't been through the natural cycle of rebirth, which is natural but has just been. This is typically where it all comes crashing down. You have simply taken on too much and not given you. So you want us to be in the doing, and then we have to be in the being. Doing being. That's how it should be in everything. It's damn hard to be in our society, because our society is not built like that, but you have to find your own way to weave this into your life. Because then you're going to be either depressed, angry or disoriented. That is, you don't have access to, that is, powerless anger. Or you'll become a roaring fire dragon, spewing it out at everyone. So there's no getting around the fire dragon. It's actually a good place. Especially if you've been such a depressive person that you suddenly get over the fire dragon, it's actually really good, because then you have a grip on the anger. So it's really good. So the next step is for the anger to not get, you know, burnt all your relationships and to go on for too long. Relationships can easily withstand a little fire for a period of time, but they can't be kept to be so speared for the rest of your life. But when you just do weird art and say, okay, okay, when do you start observing your patterns. Okay, interesting enough. When is it that I get fired? Is it if I don't get those, if I don't, for example, I become a fire dragon, if I don't get the time and space to be with my thoughts, to write, to create, to make this, to share my knowledge. So this mind here, if I'm not allowed to translate some of these long strange sentences and everything else, if I don't get to do that and write books and everything else, I become a disgusting person to be around. I just have to reason why I only have one child. I like family life, but I can't, it's not enough for me. It's not enough for me to be in the family life. I need to get away and do something for myself too. Otherwise I'll go crazy, which means I become unbearable to be with. So it's really important that you understand who you are and how you function, because then I'll be much more fun to be with in the family when I can take care of it. So when I get angry, it's because I haven't had an outlet for my creativity. Or maybe it's because I'm in a death process that I don't want to be in, where I'm about to drop a level and need to be in the next level, and I don't have the patience in my mind to immerse myself in it. It's not my fault, it's not my husband's fault, it's not my child's fault. It's something I have to take on, but it's not always easy. So I've learned that the hard way. So the thing about knowing when it's time for me to record And for me it helps if I'm in such a death process, I have to go out into nature, I have to cry, I have to allow myself to sleep, I shouldn't be on Facebook. I know pretty specifically what I need to do in the different situations. I don't always get it together in time and get it done, and then I end up spewing fire, and then it's like: “Oh okay, now I just need to get it done.” And what I think is so fascinating is that when you start to get good at recognizing the patterns, when is it that I get fire rage? Uh, and can nip it in the bud, then you can actually take care of your needs. needs. Recognize who you are. Uh, accept who you are because you recognize your needs. Recognizing your needs makes you accept yourself. And that's hugely self-loving. It's the most self-loving thing you can do. And here you will actually experience that this anger suddenly transforms into a sexual desire or it may feel like a sexual desire, but actually it's almost like you feel the love of life. You simply feel you feel life. So that is, you can almost feel a little bit like you're going for a walk in nature. You feel alive, even in your genitals, and you don't feel turned off or closed. You just feel life energy flowing through you. I actually think that's how the female body is created to be, to be able to feel alive and hopefully also for the man. But I think the female body works differently because we have life through the cycle. So this thing about actually feeling a continuous flow of life energy and feeling it as a deep love for yourself and the world, also understanding it as God. I'm not dependent on a man who can give me this. It's really nice to have it with a man, but it's not my feeling of self-love, the water of love is not actually dependent on him. It's not dependent on my children either. Nor is it dependent on my girlfriends. Nor is it dependent on my work. It's actually just that neither of us can hold one for very long. I can, I'm there momentarily and it's absolutely wonderful when I'm there. But then I lose it again and think that my happiness depends on me selling a lecture or delivering a good lecture or my husband looking at me in a certain way or whatever the hell it might be. So I have to be there again right away, but just having those little moments is absolutely amazing. And here we can practice the ability to be there. And it's wonderfully beautiful. And we start to be like, okay, we can actually just be with other people without being dependent on their acceptance. And it also means that we can actually step out into the world much more courageously as who we are. In respect for other people, of course, but we can respectfully speak who we are, even when it's very different from who we might be. Because we have no need to attack them. We don't need them to recognize us for what we say, but therefore we can say it anyway. So it's a completely different way of being in the world. And personally, I wish I could stand there all the time. I can't do that at all. And I think that's what it takes to experience that ability, but you only get it in small moments. It's a bit like getting a really delicious chocolate cake. Just the effect. It's just you without you being nauseous or because you've eaten too much of it. Because it's just something that flows like that. Uh-huh. So that and I wrote a post today where I actually said it's actually about going from the need to be loved to being love. And that's really what I mean by being love is that you feel the life energy flowing through you from the inside out. So it's a continuous upward flow this way rather than us trying to fill up vertically. Vertically, no horizon. We try to fill up the horizon via our relationships and via our jobs and everything else. So we run into a bit of a brick wall. That doesn't mean that it shouldn't be closer than what we do. And if it's completely off, then we have to change it. It's just sometimes we're going to bet that it's only out here that we can seek our fulfillment of our satisfaction and our satiety. Whereas if it goes this way, there's always nothing missing. There is always plenty. And then it can sometimes be a little easier to deal with life with all the things that they offer. Yes, that was me. Blabbing away for an hour and a half. So uh, now time is the question. So if anyone has questions about all these many things and also some in-depth questions about some of the things I've written about leading up to the talk. Um, because they're all tied into these elements, but there may well have been some things that you think, okay, I don't really think you got into that enough, or I'd like to hear more about that, so just knock yourself out, and we have the next half hour to dive into any questions you have. What the heck, I think I'll just take it. I have a computer next to me. I think I'll take it, because then I don't have to sit and press the phone. There was a question here. Oh, good, good, good. There's one here. How do I do that? I just need to see it all. Hey, that's not what I was supposed to do. Did I go all the way out? Sorry guys, that was a good one. How do you distinguish between hitting and talking freely, talking about what triggers me in another person? I experience talking about what I see in the other reflection, but I sometimes feel that it's wrong to talk about others, but I find it hard to really get a grip on what's in it for me if I don't either talk about it freely or, for example, write about it. There's also such a sense of prohibition or shame in relation to putting others in a bad light. Yes, that's true. And there is a huge difference. There's a huge difference between whether we gossip and go down the gossip route, or whether we use good people in our lives to say, okay I've just experienced this. I've experienced being in a crazy strange situation with a woman. Or it can also be a man, but often with other women, I feel misunderstood. I feel like it's the other person's problem. I feel that they are processing something onto me that is definitely not mine. And we can often use our women's network to find out what the hell is up and down in this. Can you help me like, okay, can you read this email I got for this woman? Or she said it, and then I reacted like this, and then I said it. Because sometimes we can have a lot of doubts when we experience crises and conflicts in our relationships with women, it's typically based on misunderstandings, meaning that something is triggered from childhood. And that can happen in both of us. So you can easily use each other. I would actually recommend that you use each other. So in that way, you can easily wait. And in that situation, you can also easily do this, where you just get where Nice. I'm so fucking stupid as well. It's fine to give free rein to this. And then you can round it off and say, okay, I just needed to get it out. Okay, now I'm ready to look at wondering what the hell my own has become. I had one, I was on Radio 247 this Thursday, where I also talk about female sexuality and male sexuality. And there was actually someone else in the studio, who constantly interrupted me and was just kind of r** a little to say, and I was kind of like, and I actually have no problem with the fact that we are different. And I remember I was boiling afterwards and also needed to say, shut up man, piss. and stuff like that, right? And I was only on the other side of that. I also needed to talk to a friend and stuff like that, what the hell do you hear when she says that, you know. But I also needed to hear, okay, can you also take a look at my responses? When am I off key in relation to that? When do I become the trick in relation to it? And I also had to realize that one of the reasons why that particular woman triggered me so much, well, there was something very real about it. She couldn't figure out how not to interrupt. So it's annoying as hell. I mean, it's super annoying. I was on the phone, she was in the studio, I didn't have a chance to see her. So the fact that she didn't, that she kept interrupting is just really annoying. Where I also marked stop that shit, I don't want to put up with it. It was quite nice. But I also had to realize when I was kind of driven to the end, one of the reasons I was so tricked is because there was something in her energy that reminds me of myself. I can also be one of those people where I try really hard not to interrupt, but holy shit I can be right on the edge of my seat. I talk really fast. I'm hugely uh I'm excited to share my knowledge. And sometimes I'm so excited. I get to cram it into people's heads. I've gotten better at it, but I recognize it. I could recognize some of my own excitement in her. And it tricked me because it was the shadow sides that I experienced in that conversation. Also because it was me who was hit on it, right? So that's why we can easily use these conversations with girlfriends to find out things about ourselves. We just need to be straight, so we shouldn't be afraid to be like 'shut up, I get so fucking annoyed with her when she acts like a clown'. It doesn't matter. It's actually also used in the psychological field when you work with clients. It's really good in supervision. You have the opportunity to wait, you have the opportunity to bring all your prejudices and processing about someone and kind of get it cleared out. And then you can work just like, okay, why is this person tracking me so much. You just have to remember that you have to take it to the next level. So if we were just aware, we're all going to, we're all going to call some friends to say, I just need you to say that this person is a r*****. We sometimes, I think we call friends because we have, we specifically choose some girlfriends that we know love this kind of dialog, where we can be allowed to have a smoke. He's also just a r*****. Well, you know, sometimes we do that, and then be more aware that you're doing it. Kind of like eating a bag of chips, right? Other times, we call those more mature girlfriends who are like, yeah, but I hear what you're saying. What? Is your part in it, or where do you stand? Is it because you're done with relationships and don't dare? Well, sometimes you dare to go down these slightly more nuanced places. So I think we just need to be more aware of that. And it's also quite good, if you're the kind of person who always feels guilt and shame about talking about someone or something that's difficult, it can also be good to practice and sometimes allow yourself to be a total pig dog and feel what it's like and just give free rein to all the dirty words. As long as you make sure you build in some laughter every now and then. Then build some what's in it and then just pick it up and just like that okay can know why that particular person triggers me so much like thumb I would say every time we get super tricked by a person sometimes it's because the person is super transgressive. That is, the moment we get more marked a boundary, the person can hang there and wiggle and be borderline you've just moved and just like okay I don't want that shit I don't want that. That is, it's a pattern the person has like okay I don't want to agree with your drama I don't want to get involved in so I move away and then you can feel that you don't have enough so you don't get annoyed with the person anymore just like okay that was your drama it's not mine I've moved away You have to pass it on to someone else. But if you're still smoldering and there are things that come back to haunt you about this person, there may typically be something that reminds you of yourself. It may be that the person doesn't actually have a problem letting their inner pig out, which isn't necessarily very cool. But sometimes there's also something liberating in the fact that you actually just allow it, and you can have some guilt and shame about it yourself. So there's always a lot of inspiration and wisdom to be found in these situations, so we shouldn't be so afraid of it. So you can laugh at yourself a little or be a little loving towards yourself. At least that's what I do if I can see that I need to talk to someone who's just like, well, you're so amazing. Otherwise, I need someone to pour water on my mill. And then there are maybe some others I use when I need a little more okay maybe I was a little bit too much myself or maybe I wasn't quite as nuanced there or whatever it may be. So it also depends on what mood you're in and what you can tolerate that day, I would say. There are many things in it. Good, good. Next question. Um... Thank you for the many kind words. I have previously worked a lot with my own anger, but I have needed to get away from it. I can feel the thought of having to deal with anger again creates resistance. Are there other ways to get in touch with your anger? Yes, there are. And it's not necessarily necessary to have direct contact with anger. It's not because it's not and I'm not sure I've explained it well enough. It's not like you have to feel the anger come bubbling up - there are big differences between people. There are some people who have a temperament where this anger is something they simply have to deal with very closely. And for others, anger is just not something that happens very often. And it's not something they need to dive super deep into. And it can also be that you've had a period of anger and say, okay, that's fine, and I know it, I've worked with it, but it's not something I really want to invite in a lot. But here you can say, it may well be that for you now put some words on it, and then you take what you can use, because now I only have this, I guess. You could say that you can easily get a grip on your wildness without going through anger. It's more that if you start to experience a pattern of anger again, then it would be a good idea to look at, okay, are there some things? Are there any calls I've missed? Are there some things I should have taken care of? Have I been too late to bring some energy home to myself or is there something I should go down a road but I don't really dare because then some of this anger can arise. So it's not certain that you need to dive into the anger again. It's quite possible that you might just feel like aha, okay, now I can feel some frustration beginning, there's something beginning. I don't have a super temperamental anger myself, but I can feel it, I can feel it building up and smoldering. And here you can actually transform it inside you without having to let it come out. And my experience is actually the best thing when you start to feel anger or you want to work with ferocity. It might as well be laughter, so humor, humor and laughter and actually going and doing some of the things that come to you. So it's not necessarily that you have to go back into anger. It's more to say that anger will typically come up in a woman's life at some point. And that it's important to have gotten acquainted with it. Um but again because from woman to woman it will vary in what form, how much, when, everything like that. And how big a theme it is not for all women that anger is a big theme. It's just that in certain life situations, anger will come knocking, and it's important to invite it in and work with it in a way that allows you to get to know it. And then it's actually not so much that you need to dive into it again, but that you can use it as a pillar now and so on. Interesting. So this wildness can also be, I think you can also experience this wildness together in a close female community. So this thing where you take your clothes off and jump naked into the lake or whatever the hell it may be. So that the wildness can come out on the bank. Ways. And it can certainly also come out sexually. Uh, and it can also come out in humor. I'd actually say that we, uh, well, the feminine is wild. I mean, look at the sea. You won't find anything wilder. So it's something about seeking out water and maybe a stormy day and feeling that wildness inside you. So anger is definitely not the only way. It's just typically the first barrier. It's often anger. And I don't think it's about women being like that. I think it's more about how we've been programmed over many, many, many generations and know that we kind of dare to stand through the anger and invite savagery in all the ways that give us the opportunity to free our daughters from having to do that work, so they can continue working in their own way. Another thing can also be to watch inspiring documentaries or inspiring literature. So where you kind of feel what wildness is for you. Is wildness moving out to some cabin in Sweden or is wildness being brave? Whatever the hell it may be. So in that way, you can make some memes about science, but to feel this science really just makes you feel alive in all your cells and we don't do that all the time. It can also be meditative that you connect with your body and you feel that you feel your body daily when you've been talking to a lot of women who are like super career or just have a regular job, but the fact that we often have a job that involves doingdoingdoingdoingdoing eating lunch at the office and doingdoingdoingdoing phone calls tasks that sometimes you can just sit down or just get up and do some body movements just to feel your just to feel your abdomen actually to relax your jaw jaw jaw throat heart and abdomen and just feel that the energy is circulating. Already here you will be in contact with the wildness of the feminine because wildness is energy that circulates. The feminine is energy that circulates in both the woman and the man. You could say that in women, our body is the feminine. So it's also about getting this energy to circulate. And sometimes I find that even if I've been doing a lot, I'm completely tense here because I bite down. And my, you know, this thing where we women go and pull in our stomachs because we don't want to get too fat and all that shit. Allow your belly to get soft. Allow yourself to feel your abdomen and relax. Uh-huh. And it may just be that just remembering it for a few minutes evenly throughout the day will already help, so do a lot to get a circulation and energy that can already make you feel more alive and thus feel more wildness that you can translate in whatever way it speaks to you, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah, let me see if there are more. Sometimes it's a bit of a tease in here. Oh, good. Uh... I don't see any more comments. I don't see any more comments. Are there any of you? Sometimes I experience that the comment comment trail is a bit mysterious. So if there are any of you sitting out there who have written something that I have not seen, just copy it and write it again. Um. Or I think we're actually about to be done for the day. And I hope you've gotten a little bit. I think I'm going to write a lot more about this and maybe a book or something. Um, or talk more about it. So I hope you've gotten some inspiration or just for your inner wild woman, who can come out in so many ways. Oh, here comes one. Um, I just got an insight about the importance of believing in what I feel called to do, for example, I can actually get and create what I want because I allow myself to work with it. Would you like to say something more about that? Uh, yeah. Uh, and I would say it's this thing about very quickly when we get a calling that comes so I would almost say it's such a divine intervention for some it's for someone who doesn't have some kind of spiritual context in their life and who is not turned on by that way of speaking then it can seem a bit repulsive and call it like that uh for others it will make complete sense and it's not because I say it is one way or another. It's more like a calling where I think there's an impulse that doesn't come from your own personality. So it's kind of like an inspiration that may well come up in your dreams, it may come up in Oh, I'm really captivated by the work she does. Or it can come in a way where it kind of stands out. Um, and uh, sometimes it comes up in a way where you think, where you immediately shut it down. Well, that would require me to change my life. It would require me to maybe leave a relationship. It would require me to let my kids go to school. It would require me to take my children out of school. So, there will be that kind of calling will also make you make life changes and sometimes really really big life changes. What I see as the biggest obstacle in relation to going with the calling is that the moment you get a calling, our mind will panic about all the work or about the pain. I can't even allow myself to do that, and I don't understand that I'm good enough, and there's all kinds of assessments and judgments on it, and then we shut it down. And this is the best thing you can do, it's actually quite meditative. Because that's why meditation can be good. Whether it's walking, active meditation, sitting meditation, however the hell you use it in your life. This thing of saying, okay, I've got this. Phew, I just had this vision. I'd like that. I would love to be able to stand and speak in front of thousands of women. Or I'd actually like to be able to live in France in a women's community with other women and maybe just have a male lover from time to time, but not live with a man. So it can come in home uniforms. And you may have a dog and a cat and children and a husband who you really love dearly, but you may no longer think that's not necessarily how I want to continue to be in my life. And you could say that because this is the way it is right now, I can't imagine it's so radically different, but it's this thing about, if we live to be 80-90 years old, the children will get old at some point, and it may well be that you can still be married to a man without living with him. So it's more about playing with the idea, allowing yourself to be playful with yourself, to use your imagination like this, what the hell could it look like? Is it possible to break up in a way with a partner where there is still love, but life circumstances are different? Can we set each other more free, or are we just finished as partners? Well, it's just a scenario, you could say, right? So that's the thing, you really just have to allow yourself to entertain the thought that things can be different, that they can change over time. And that's actually my experience when you start to do that. That is, your nerves go from panic to like this: “Ha, maybe likes could look different and maybe it won't be so catastrophic. Maybe I don't have to drop all my relationships. Maybe the relationships can just be watered down to something else.” And then all of a sudden, once you've grown a little bit and allowed yourself to be curious about what's coming and not just reject it out of fear, things often start to appear, so like uh lectures about something or other or all of a sudden your partner has the smell of borrowing it like hey are you leaving or what the hell is going on here or are you looking for more freedom or where you suddenly get some talks in a way that really just makes you get closer you emotionally you get closer to each other but you might start to set each other more free now that it's a theme it it can be any theme it can be a career change it can be anything not so the most important thing the first step is just stay open and curious to what's coming and be kind of praying not when this will work out so I don't know if it will work out that way but I invite this in as a potential opportunity because then there are all What have you made such a new cracky? Hm. Okay. Uh-huh. And then there's also the fact that we often dare not dream that things can be better than they are. Because we're so afraid of being disappointed, right? So just be aware of all these things and like, okay, that's where the fear comes in, that's where the prejudice comes in, that's where my father's voice comes in, that can't be done. All sorts of things came in. Okay, but that's fine, you want to be there, but I still open up and can feel in my heart, okay, there's something here. There's something here that I need to go after. I have no idea what the hell the road there is going to look like, but I'm open. I stay open to the signs that are coming, and then I go slowly with it. Uh, I think there was I think there was someone in relation to the courage to set boundaries. Um, in relation to setting boundaries, the only thing you can do is to practice it. And here if it's really hard for you, and you have a lot of guilt and shame about it, and you can feel your throat closing up and you almost start crying just thinking about it, and that's how it is for many of us, and they can't, they feel so overwhelming for us. Uh, depending on our history and our upbringing and everything. If you can feel it's hugely overwhelmed, then start in the hero. Very small. Very, very small. Uh, it could be something like your partner coming home and saying, why don't we eat the leftovers from yesterday? That's smart. And you have so No, I don't really want to do that. Yes, it's smart to eat the leftovers, but I don't really want to. So you know, start with the little ones. Should we get that one in that color? Actually, I'd rather have the other one. So, you know, allow yourself to notice if you have a tendency to just say, well, whatever you want. I'll go along with that. Then start those little things that are not so conflictual. They take a tiny little thing and just like no picture. The picture shouldn't actually hang there. It should hang over here. No, I don't think so. No, I know, but I'm mostly in this room, and it should hang there, you know. So practice making a decision and standing by it in very harmless places. And then you'll be very, oh my god, it could also be that he was more right. It could also be. But the thing about, you've consciously decided, I'm making this decision and I stand by it. Um, because then you start to give your system the opportunity to learn, hey, this is actually an opportunity for me. This is actually an opportunity for me to give something else. Um, and then sometimes you start to move up to the bigger things. So yes, mother-in-law, I understand that you want to invite me in for coffee and that you want me to feel you with love because you didn't get any love even when you were a child. But it's not my job, so I'm not inviting you for coffee. You don't say all this to her. You just say no, I don't have time today, mother-in-law knowing, and then she can get pissed off, but it's not yours. So, you know, you kind of increase the complexity in terms of where you can set your boundaries, and you start to put down more peace. Yes, I can see you have a need. I can't fulfill it right now because I'm tired myself and I've planned to do something else. So in that way, it's a muscle that needs to be trained like everything else. And it's really also about being in the discomfort when you've set a limit. Phew, that was uncomfortable. But the longer you practice it, the discomfort will diminish, and you'll be more and more fluid in this. Um, is there anywhere else you can read more about selling emotions without feeling shame? Well, there's a lot of literature, in relation to the whole psychology. I would say that I have a lot of, uh, in this book, I have a lot of literature on how emotions work, why shame is there and why we feel this way, also in relation to how you can learn to be with emotions. So you could go to the library and see if you can find some literature there that speaks to you. And then there's also this thing about actually, uh, and it's also like a muscle. So this thing about being in emotions. You increase your capacity to be in emotions. This means that when you feel an emotion, you've set a boundary or something and you feel shame, you turn your gaze inwards and you feel shame. Then you quiet your mind and say, okay, I feel shame, then all kinds of thoughts come up, I'll come back to you focusing on your breathing for example, right? Then you'll feel discomfort, then you'll also feel discomfort? Where does this shame sit in the body? So you can simply do it as a concrete exercise. Okay, the shame sits, it can sit around and wrap around your neck. It might be locking around your heart. It might be tying itself into giant knots in your stomach. This is typically where shame will physically settle. So say, okay, where are you shame? Okay, you're there. Okay, you're there. Okay. Phew, that feels very uncomfortable. You are. I'm just trying to breathe through it. So you recognize the shame of you. You're not trying to make it go away. You recognize, but you but you but you You shift the focus from your whole train of thought. I'm a bad person. I don't think I've ever done that. Or whatever the hell I show up. And then you find, where is the discomfort in your body? This is where you start to establish contact with your body. And you start to increase your nervous system in being there. And over time, you will experience when you focus on that. Okay, I'm breathing through it. Doing deep breaths. You might also do one of these to delimit yourself so you can feel yourself. It can also help to quiet the nervous system. And here you'll sometimes feel that the knot you're actually breathing through, and all of a sudden, it'll go away. Right. For example, you'll be able to physically feel that the condition is receding. Because it's the physiological response to the shame that causes your whole system to knot up. So, over time, you half-ear over time, and all of a sudden you'll have situations where you would have previously experienced shame, but now it just hadn't shown up. So it's a bit like training your nerves to be able to handle you, like training a muscle to be able to run a marathon. Um, I've felt a lot that because I can't follow the call immediately, it creates extreme frustration as to why I can't just take the step to accept it in the time you describe. Yeah, exactly. So it's when we feel that call to change life circumstances in one way or another, whatever it may be, then two things will happen in you. One is that the part of your being that loves change and loves to be a bit of a rebel, that loves to break things down for a new life, the part of you that has no problem with life, death, rebirth, will just love to go off the deep end. But you also have an archetype, you also have a part that is old. Uh, totally your survival system. Hiking. Oh no, it can be hard. I could die from. So that is to say, you have a kind of a brake accelerator tendency that goes like this. It's not very nice on your system. So your mind will so some parts of you just want to whip the horse and fire away and other parts just want to chop the brake and not go down that road at all. So it's about giving it time and both taking care of everything you're afraid of, while your rebel should also sometimes just be allowed to run and row. So it's such a dynamic that can be difficult and paradoxical and feel very counterproductive. So I understand that. And it takes just that time, so when we get over the microsteps, and sometimes when we just feel, now there's fucking energy, that's when we start. So go with the energy as much as possible. Allow these periods where we're kind of dead in the water, and then when we feel the energy bubbling just like that, then we have to act. That way, we can ride the waves of life. So we can surf along on the waves of life rather than sometimes feeling that we're totally trying to dive down when it's most via, right? Right. That's it, that's it. There were no more questions. Thank you for today.