Podcast E2: Keypoints: Women’s Longing for Connection
In this podcast, Mette Miriam Sloth discusses the deep-seated longing women often feel for a profound connection with their partners. This yearning can be so intense that it rarely feels fully satisfied. Women may attempt to fulfill this longing by trying to "fix" their partners through self-help books, courses, or even therapy. However, this approach often backfires, leading to defensiveness in men, damaging the relationship, and turning the man into a "project," ultimately leaving the woman unsatisfied.
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Mette explains how this longing can impact a woman's ability to set boundaries, highlighting the biological and cultural factors at play. Biologically, women are predisposed to seek connection and avoid conflict, particularly in stressful situations, due to the release of oxytocin. Culturally, women are often raised to be accommodating and nurturing, making it difficult to say no. Mette emphasizes the importance of women learning to differentiate between their own emotions and their partner's, and practicing setting boundaries, even when it feels uncomfortable. She concludes that a woman's yearning for connection is genuine and vital, but it must be managed in a healthy, balanced way to cultivate fulfilling relationships.
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Translated transcript of the original Danish podcast
Hosts: Mette Miriam Sloth & Sune Sloth
So many women are distraught over not feeling connected, or not connected enough, with their male partners. Countless women have asked me how to get their men to take more relational responsibility, how to get them to evolve so they can connect on a deeper level, so they start understanding relationships, both with them and their children. And women often resort to measures that truly don't work, like buying all sorts of self-help books, practically forcing him to read them, forcing him into courses, booking therapy sessions for him, and so on.
Would you say these things work?
No, they absolutely do not. I understand why women do it. I understand their frustration. I get it.
It's a terrible approach.
We're going to talk about a woman's yearning.
Yes.
We’ve also done a longer talk on this.
Mhm.
We’ll link to it at the end of the video.
Exactly. But what is a woman's yearning?
A woman's yearning? Well, not every woman identifies with this, but it's something I've noticed in my years of working with women, and I can relate to it myself. I believe many women out there will recognize this deep relational yearning within them. It's as though it can never truly be satisfied. There's this yearning for a deep connection.[2] We are also oxytocin-driven beings, so you know, connecting with each other feels incredibly good.
So there’s a biological component to it.
There’s that, absolutely. Yes, it's definitely a factor, for sure. But there also seems to be something more to it.[3]
The Intimate Relationship
I would say this longing also exists with children, but in particular, it manifests in intimate relationships, in romantic partnerships. And it typically shows up in its shadow side, if you will, in its lack.[4] So many women are distraught over not feeling connected enough, or not connected at all, with their male partners.
Why do so many women experience their partner not...they can't get their longing met by their partner? What happens to them when they don't?
Yes, it's because if this longing isn't seen or met in some way, or she doesn't feel it's being seen or met, then… well, countless women have asked me how to get their men to take more relational responsibility, how to get them to evolve so they can connect on a deeper level, so they start understanding relationships, both with them and with their children. It seems to be almost an epidemic. And she often resorts to measures that truly don't work, like buying all sorts of self-help books, practically forcing him to read them, forcing him into courses, booking therapy sessions for him, and so on.
Would you say these things work?
No, they absolutely do not. I understand why women do it. I understand their frustration. I get it.
It's a terrible approach.
So you’re familiar with the impulse to do that?
Yes. Are you kidding? I know the impulse.
Yes.
But it falls into two extremes that never do any good. Either he gets really angry at her and becomes resistant because he feels like there’s a demand for him to change. Consequently, he doesn't feel loved for who he is. He becomes a project.
That’s one part. The other part is, if he kind of blends into her having the answer to who he is, who he should be, so he blindly follows everything she suggests, then he abandons himself. And at some point, she becomes incredibly irritated with him because she doesn't think he’s grounded in himself, and then she starts criticizing him, and then she typically also loses sexual desire for him.
Mm.
So those two pitfalls, those aren't the way forward. So her longing and her frustration are valid, but the way she tries to resolve it typically fails.
Where does the man’s responsibility lie here?
But this is where we get to...you’re essentially asking who’s responsible for her longing, right?
Is it him or her? Perhaps it’s between them. Perhaps it’s actually in the dynamic between them, so that she has responsibility for some of it, but he also has a responsibility. And that’s actually why it’s important for her to start learning to discern what’s happening here. Because her longing can be so deep that it’s never quite good enough. We women have this… we have a tendency, or we can get stuck in always needing more. There’s room for more living beings, more children, more dogs, more projects, more fullness, more life. We need more of it. He should listen to us more. He should be able to hold space for us more. He should be able to see us more deeply. And it’s not always his responsibility to meet us there. Conversely, if he has no interest in meeting her and gets irritated with her and isn’t interested in her emotional life and what’s going on inside her, if he kind of snaps at her or runs away from it because he doesn't understand it or isn't interested in it, then she withers, or she resigns herself to it. And then he might miss her feminine light, if you will, which shines through her, and he might criticize her, saying “Shouldn’t you go out and find it? You know, it…it should be there, I miss it.” But he doesn’t understand that he’s actually contributed to extinguishing it in her because he keeps turning his back on her when she tries to connect with him, or keeps escaping to his shed, or going cycling in very tight clothing, or whatever he does. So there’s something in her that can put demands on him and constantly need him to be there for her, but he can certainly also become disinterested in understanding how she is different from him, which can be incredibly disheartening for her.
The Difficulty with Boundaries
So women yearn… can that result in women having difficulty setting boundaries? And how does that manifest in the intimate relationship?
Yes, because it's actually related to this, even though it’s also separate, and it’s something I hear from so many women. I can relate to many women beating themselves up over it, saying “I can’t figure out how to set boundaries, and you know, everything just flows out, and I can’t seem to stand by who I am, and I can’t speak my truth, and I’m weak, and why can’t I just figure it out?” So there’s a lot of self-criticism in all of that. And what I always tell them is, look, you’ve been brought forth through evolution where you’re more oxytocin-driven, and you’re also in a body that has less strength than a masculine body, and we’ve been through an incredibly violent evolutionary time. It’s been dangerous being human. The little part of the world we live in right now isn't particularly dangerous compared to what it has been, but looking at our evolution, it’s been damn dangerous to be a human. So you could say that when a woman gets stressed, she also releases oxytocin. This means she wants to try to connect with the people where there’s conflict and try to de-escalate it so it doesn't worsen. And that could be a survival strategy, like “Well, I don’t have as much strength, I’m not quite as strong, and I have to protect some children, so I'll try to make sure things don’t get out of hand,” as a form of survival protection, a survival instinct. Whereas when a man is pressured, stressed, he releases testosterone, which is more about setting boundaries and is a bit more aggressive. So there’s a difference here. So she has a biological imprint where she doesn’t immediately resort to harsh measures. So, the neurochemicals you have as a woman don't...it doesn’t come naturally to you to set boundaries and say, "I absolutely don't want this." So you’re incredibly observant of the community, incredibly observant of other people's feelings. Your mirror neurons are very active, so you mirror other people's feelings a lot, you sense other people's feelings a lot. So it can feel extremely uncomfortable in a feminine or female system to set boundaries and say, “No, I don’t want this, and no, I can't accommodate your need. I can’t handle, I don’t want to listen to your feelings right now because I’m not interested, and I have something else I need to attend to.” It’s almost… and not saying more, instead of something like, "But I'd like to do it tomorrow.” It almost feels violent. It almost feels like you’re going to die. So there's a cultural element of being constantly trained to be caring and nurturing. And when you put the pieces of the puzzle together, which involves biology and how we’ve protected ourselves as a species and as a gender, along with cultural norms that have been pressed upon us, it can make this really difficult. So I usually start there. You know, you have a lot going against you here, so it’s not easy. It’s really hard, but you can develop the skills for it, you know. You can keep practicing a little at a time, and that’s great because sometimes, in your empathy for your partner, you might not set boundaries, you might agree to things you don’t want to do, or forgive him for something you shouldn’t have forgiven him for, in the sense of having said, "Okay, if this happens again, it's over. You absolutely have to address this." Because he functions best if there's a consequence to the boundary she sets, so it can become very diluted. So boundary setting, to be able to be in a team relationship, it’s incredibly important that she dares to state her position and not pussyfoot around it. But it can feel like she’s dying when she does it.
Risking the Relationship
Should she dare to risk the relationship?
Yes. And that’s scary as hell when you’re in a…when you’re in a female body. Mm.
It's like we’ve been conditioned to believe that everything hinges on relationships with others. We can lose our own identity in that.[4]
So, but it’s almost as if, by daring to risk the relationship, he also takes you more seriously. So it’s incredibly important that you dare to do it, or develop the ability to do it.
Yes. So what’s the most important thing to learn to distinguish between here? How… how… we have very little time, and people can watch the longer video, but can you give a couple of bullet points without going into too much depth here in this video?
Yes.
Key Takeaways
As a woman, know that there’s a lot of variation within the female gender. There are so many different ways to be a woman. So you’ll feel and sense a great deal. What you can develop the skills for is quickly discerning, “What am I feeling? Is what I’m feeling the other person not being authentic, and I need to address it? Is it me being triggered by something I need to deal with myself? When am I projecting? When am I giving away my power, putting something onto others that I need to take care of myself? And when am I caught in immaturity? When am I feeling something that's really just a fart I don't need to make a big deal about?” You contain it all.[4]
So, I really want to invite women to delve into their inner world and learn to distinguish between these things. It can be practiced, and it makes life’s dance much more elegant.
And this is also something you've helped many women with, right?
Yes, it is.
And to stand in that.
Mm.
And sometimes they realize, “Well, it's impossible to meet this man where he is.” And sometimes they discover, “Well, I want too much from the man I’ve found," right?
Mm.
So it doesn’t always end up where one might have hoped, does it?
It doesn’t always end up where one might have hoped with the man you chose at one point. No.
So there's also something about an awakening, a realization that “I haven’t been met.”
Mm.
And that can have consequences.[1][5]
Yes.
It can...
And it can be risky in terms of one's own relationship to start looking at that.
Absolutely.
Yes. So it's a difficult thing.[1][4]
It takes courage, and so…so it’s not… it’s not easy, but on the other hand, the frustration of being in a relationship where you don't feel met…[4] Because you could say, if you just suppress it and pretend it will resolve itself on its own, if you pretend nothing is wrong, the frustration is still there. So not saying anything doesn’t make the feeling go away. You could say, regardless of whether you take action, you always risk the relationship by simply saying it out loud. You’re consciously acknowledging the fact, “Hey, are we still on the same page, or aren't we?” You dare to say it out loud, which is a reality for all relationships.
Conclusion
Thank you for sharing concisely about a woman's yearning for connection. After the video, there's a link to a two-hour talk. And you’ve also written a book about this.[3] What’s it called?
It’s called "Conversations with My Imaginary Friend."
Yes.
M… and yes, thank you…
So people can dive into that if they're interested.
Yes. Thanks for listening. Bye.
