Podcast E11: Polarity: The Feminine Journey

Podcast E11, "Polarity and the Feminine Journey," is a conversation between Mette Miriam Sloth and Sune Sloth that explores the feminine experience of polarity in relationships. The conversation centers around how women can navigate the dance of polarity and find a balance between surrendering to masculine energy while maintaining their own power and integrity.

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  Polarity as Friction and Energy

  Mette Miriam Sloth introduces the concept of polarity as "friction" between a plus and a minus, which creates energy. This friction between the masculine and feminine creates a dynamic energy that can lead to a deeper and more fulfilling experience in the relationship.

  The podcast emphasizes that polarity is not tied to gender, but is about energies and states that are found in all people. Women will typically identify with the feminine pole, which is associated with being receptive, open, and surrendering, while men often identify with the masculine pole, which is associated with being active, acting, and directing.

  Playing with the Poles and Finding Your Primary Pole

  Although most people have a primary pole where they feel most at home, it is possible to play with the poles and switch between them. The podcast encourages experimenting and exploring both poles to find out where you feel most satisfied.

  Mette Miriam Sloth emphasizes, however, that it can be difficult to be sexually satisfied if you are not fulfilled in your primary pole. For women who identify with the feminine pole, this may mean that they long to be taken and penetrated by the masculine energy.

  Being vs. Doing: The Feminine State

  Sune Sloth brings up an important aspect of polarity, namely the difference between being and doing. He asks Mette Miriam Sloth how it feels as a woman to be in the different states.

  Mette Miriam Sloth describes the feminine state as being connected with sensory stimuli, fluidity, and spontaneity. She uses the example of an accounting firm that is characterized by structure and agendas (masculine energy) but lacks colors, sensory stimuli, and liveliness (feminine energy).

  Awareness of Polarity for a Delicious Dance

  The podcast emphasizes that awareness of polarity is essential to create a delicious dance between the masculine and feminine. When the friction between the poles is conscious and enjoyable, it can lead to a more ecstatic experience than if it is unconscious and characterized by struggle and control.

  Stereotypes and the Battle Between the Poles

  Mette Miriam Sloth warns against falling into stereotypical roles that can limit the natural dance between the poles. When you are tied to stereotypical ideas about the masculine and feminine, it can lead to a battle between the poles instead of a harmonious dance.

  Finding the Bad Boy and Getting Burned

  The podcast touches on the phenomenon of women seeking bad boys when they feel dissatisfied in their relationships. Mette Miriam Sloth explains that this often happens when the woman has taken on too many masculine values and closes off her feminine pole.

  Invitation and Surrender

  To create a healthy polarity in the relationship, the woman must step into her feminine pole and be inviting and inspiring. She must let go of control and allow the masculine energy to lead and protect her.

  Responsibility and the Project Manager Role

  Mette Miriam Sloth warns against women taking on too much responsibility in the relationship. When the woman becomes the project manager at home, it can lead to the man being pushed into the feminine pole and losing his natural drive.

  Trust and Giving Up Responsibility

  For the masculine energy to flourish, the woman must give up responsibility and have confidence in the man's ability to lead. If the woman does not trust the man and holds on to control, her body will close off to the sexual power.

• Transcript

  Translated transcript of the original Danish podcast

  Hosts: Mette Miriam Sloth & Sune Sloth

  Sune Sloth: We're going to talk about the feminine journey. Today, I'm going to try to get into some concrete practical advice and auto dut. In relation to being in polarity in a relationship. And with that. We mean masculine, feminine and not necessarily tied to gender, but standing in those poles. You can read more about that in your book. But it may well be that you want it to be interesting. You start by unfolding it.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: What does polarity mean? Well, polarity is basically friction. So if you have a plus and a minus, then friction is created, and then energy is created. And that happens in a social debate between two poles. It can be the left wing and the right wing. And it also happens in the marital bed or in bed, or wherever you're having sex. So it also happens in the sexual act. You could say our relationships and intimate relationships, which is the most difficult relationship there is, followed by relationships with our children. What makes it so difficult is that we have everything. All the dynamics we have with other people like friends and families. But then we have sexuality on top of that. We don't share that. Just like with other people. So what makes this difficult is the polarity. And there are boats that give enormous, can give enormously delicious energy together in the two poles. A feminine and masculine and most women will be identified with their feminine pole with a feminine pole of sexuality, and most men will be identified with the masculine in their sexuality. Not to say that it has to be that way. So you can be interested as a woman, etc. But depending on how you identify your sexuality, you will be. The vast majority of us will be extremely attracted and opposites. So you should see it more as if, when we hit puberty and become sexually mature, it's as if magnetism sets in for many of us, where we are drawn to and attracted to that which is the opposite of ourselves.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: And it seems to be no matter what your sexual orientation is, whether you're heterosexual or homosexual, and where you actually seek that pole, because the masculine and the feminine are not tied up in man woman in that way. So you could say what does that mean if we're talking about sexuality? You could say that when a sexual act occurs, there has to be someone who directs the action, someone who takes and someone who penetrates. And there must be someone who surrenders and indulges, opens up and is penetrated and directed. You could say that if there are two people who want to penetrate and want to control the battle, it becomes a fight. If there are two who want to surrender and give in, nothing happens. Then you kind of have to have the opposites in order for anything to happen. And then there's this. How do you know what your orientation is? And I think our daughter has described that really, really well. And then there are different parameters you can use to find out what your sexual orientation is, which pole you're in. And here it should also be said that you can play. You can role-play. You can switch poles, but you will typically. Most people will typically have a primary pole, so if you're not sexually satisfied in it, if you don't live it out or are met in it and have the opportunity to live it out, then it's difficult to play in other shades sexually.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: And you could say the way you find out. It's both in relation to your sexual fantasies, so what do you fantasise about? What do you identify with when you watch films? You're identified with being the one who is physically smaller, who surrenders to and indulges in being penetrated. You're femininely orientated about sexuality and identifying with the one who is typically physically larger and takes, penetrates and directs the action. And that's what your fantasy is, what turns you on, then you're typically masculine identified. And that's actually quite important. You know this because you're kind of taking into account how you What pole do you primarily want to be or long for or is in you, because that's your gift to your man, your partner, your gift to offer. And making that conscious also makes it a lot easier. And sometimes it would do that too. If, like you, you've met someone you really like, but who has the same goals as you. You might meet someone of the opposite sex who might actually want to surrender too. Wants to penetrate. Then it will be difficult to be sexually compatible, and sometimes you think something is wrong.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: I'm broken, or I carry trauma with me. There's something wrong with you, there can be a huge amount of guilt and shame put into this. And maybe it's just that if you want community, that's where the tension arises, which is what it takes, and it can happen. Very often it's the case that you're drawn to the opposite pole to yourself. Then there can be all sorts of other reasons why sexuality is difficult and anything is possible. But it's just the right thing to do. It can be a great eye-opener to realise that we are wired that way. So I would say that polarity should be on the school curriculum. Well, it's in us really just to raise awareness and put into language something that runs in us and drives us, is driven around the ring much more to a greater or lesser extent than we are. I'm aware of that and actively looking at it and figuring out how does it work? What am I longing for and how can I put my pole and my gifts into play with my partner? It's a really, really wonderful place to start. You can see the masculine in feminine dances in everyone, at least as in the biggest of all planets and universes. It's a continuous dance that also plays out within us and between us. Exactly.

  Sune Sloth: There is also another aspect where we have experienced the difference between being and doing. It also manifests itself in that. So when you're in your doing, can you tell us a little about how it feels as a woman in the different states?

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Yes, it is. We're talking about the masculine feminine. When it's the popular dance that is the sexual. And men at all times want this dance between the masculine and feminine to unfold. For example, if both of you. If someone is sitting in a car and both of you are in the masculine pole. That's really bad because then you'll see a vehicle that's constantly trying to say Stop hitting the kerb. You can't go any faster on the kerb and you had to turn, so it's already in the feminine masculine pole. So, when you get into a car and it's not you driving, you actually have to just be and surrender to this person is looking after me. I will get there safely. If you don't trust that, then you have to get out. So there's also something about if you don't trust the person you're dancing with who has the masculine pole, you don't trust that he or she can hold that pole because you have to surrender to and be embraced by that sexual ecstasy or get somewhere in wild trust. Then you actually want to get out and take your own bag and want to switch over and take responsibility for the masculine pole yourself. So that dance works all the time with that way. So, if you walk into a meeting and there's a nice smell and freshly baked buns and scented candles, there are all sorts of delicious things, but there's no agenda.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: There's no agenda where you sit and chat for three hours but don't accomplish anything. So the meeting is organised to be very feminine, which is sensory stimuli. It's delicious. We flow, and we have a great time, and we enjoy, and we go with the spontaneous. If you get into an accountancy firm it's stereotypically well what you know. There are razor-sharp agendas, agenda and there are scattered pages there. It's all chopped and diced. But there's some fun that's not vivid. There's no colour, there's nothing for the senses. So in that way, the feminine and the masculine are going on all the time, and it's about making it conscious to get that delicious dance that is both in life, that you switch between right now, being purposeful. Right now I'm taking action. Now I'm just enjoying the fact that you also have it in the sexual encounter between two parties, because you could say that when that friction is in consciousness and in deliciousness, that's the ultimate. It can be much more ecstatic than in the dark if it's not, if it's not voluntary, so that friction turns into violence. So you could say you have it all. You have the whole field of tension in polarity and that it's a frequency band that goes from the darkest, darkest to the brightest light. And then it meets again.

  Sune Sloth: If he keeps doing the same thing and maybe she can only surrender in one way or in one energy, what effect does it have even if it's in the poles?

  Mette Miriam Sloth: So, you're thinking in terms of the sexual encounter? Yes, this is what often happens. What I see happening the most is when people reach out and seek guidance about relationship problems and what I see and what I see professionally, but also what I see around. So, friends, what I hear and on all parameters, where the modern relationship dies that we don't talk about out loud, that is taboo, is that sexual energy dries up between the couple. It's almost as if it disappears. But that doesn't mean that sexual energy isn't there. It creates in all sorts of places. It could be in the swingers club, it could be in soft porn, it could be in porn, it could be in flirting with it, it could be at work. It could be that you're together without saying it or agreeing to it. And there are lots of places with lots of sexuality, with so much sexual power, because it messes with us. We can't control it, but what it actually involves is awareness of how to consciously channel it into the relationship so that it fertilises the relationship and you constantly explore it so that it can work its way up.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: It requires a conscious decision to maintain the sexual tension, to maintain the polarity, the curiosity, the unfolding in several variations and several forms of surrender, and to dare to explore the darkness that appears along the way, because sexuality is enormously transformative. It happens quite rarely, unfortunately. There's enormous potential in sexuality, but it's typically infecting all sorts of other places, which is why it's a long-term relationship. The couple often finds that the sexuality gets really, really, really, really, really, really, really fucked up. Typically, the woman doesn't always. Desire, lust, the dynamic kicks in. Very often it's the woman's body that shuts down. It can also be the man's. But if I tell you, woman. She loses the desire for sex. He typically still wants to have sex, but not necessarily with her, but he wants to have sex with all kinds of other bodies. And there also comes in the man's sexuality, which there is a drive for variety. There are also many evolutionary layers in instincts and forms of consciousness that we have to live out, so there's a lot of goodies to be found here.

  Sune Sloth: Yes, what I was thinking about was these. We have experienced that you have to be open to the structure, where you approach it in the way he is targeted or has trained, if he has. If he can't vary it, then it dies out and becomes the same. That's one thing. But if the woman can't open up more than one way either, because she has something in her, everything varies. So when she has sex, it becomes a lot if she has to come. And I know that. It's actually controversial. And actually she comes alone. It's women who don't get much out of sex.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: She's able to have multiple orgasms, and it's really sad that so few women come.

  Sune Sloth: And there it can. They can end up on a path where they. Where he goes and she has to be stimulated in a very specific way in her closedness, if you will. Stuckness in stuckness. And that's where I think this variation comes in. But you can't just do that. You can't just say how to do it, but I think the most important thing here might actually be to hear some advice on how. How do you approach this as a woman if you want to do this? Who do you do it with? Is there anyone you shouldn't do it with? Are there any pitfalls? How does she look after herself in this? And maybe get an overview of how to find out. How does she find out if he's ready for it and not, for example, a question the other day? Well, my boyfriend says he wants to go deeper and he wants to have a deeper connection, but he doesn't really understand what I'm talking about and I think it's hard to communicate, so there's that. A number of places where you could say, well, can you give such a refusal? Doctors need some kind of overview to start with here, and I would perhaps like you to give a small overview of these studies, you could say levels on which it is also laid out. We have worked so much with it, so we actually have a lot. We've continued to work on it, so it's more to give him credit. But if we start with the stages.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Because there is a huge longing for a deeper relationship with the opposite sex in women, and it can take different forms. And I've also talked a lot with you about this in relation to the fact that being with men can seem to be buried now. But now we are primarily focusing on the woman and her longing and her desire to go deeper with a man. And what does that require? Because it also requires something of her. Sometimes she'll just wish it was just him coming along, but there will also be demands on her if we start with her daughter's three-step or three-stage interpretation of relationships, which I think is insanely good, and it can be seen both in relation to how we as individuals develop from our teenage years and then grow older, with our own maturity on the journey, as well as how we collectively mature in the relational stage. Can you say that archetypically or stereotypically? A bimbo matches the relationship, which is extremely externally driven. So you have a woman and a man and then a man who wants the physical appearance of the woman. So it's something about what turns him on. So it's something about her having to look fertile. Something about breast size, something about butler, something about body.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: So it's very much about the outside and the inside of people, and they're not interested in that. It's about who you are as an emotional person, and it's not interesting at all. It's something about house and garden and status and beauty. And right there you can say that when we then look at the popularity between man and woman, its that the sexual tension would be very strong because they think, so they're so one-sided as if they're only identified like that matches She will only be identified with the masculine and maybe not so mature aspects of it. And so will a woman who is only identified by the feminine. So because they're so, so pure and so one-sided in their poles, there will be a very strong sexual tension between them. So they will typically fuck quite a lot. But there will also be a huge amount of tension conflict-wise, because there is no interest. They haven't internalised the other aspect. So a woman doesn't want anything masculine, so she won't be structured by the book. She won't be able to have self-reflective self-criticism and in any way, and he'd rather have some of the feminine skills like understanding emotional empathy or being able to feel you. You will be so one-sided that they will have a lot of sex, but also a lot of conflict.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: And there's not really any respect or love in this either, because it's really just about fulfilling some immediate needs, some very unfashionable needs. You could say that we're still going through it. Especially when you're young, you want to have some of this, because you're practising relationships. But you will also sometimes see some series on TV for the US or somewhere where you see adults behaving like this. And the ones that captured these stages were very one-sidedly grounded in the respective poles. And that's where the stereotypes arise, which has nothing to do with masculine feminine really. But it is when you're tied up and not sort of sitting on the masculine, the feminine. You accessed both parts of yourself and then it becomes a struggle. Then at some point it starts to mature, and then I'm still doing it. Two, which is a bit more fifty-fifty, means that there can still be two and still not one. I want you to know I'm turned on by a beautiful and and a woman will be turned on too. Not so much about that. He has a lot of money and status, but it's something you can figure out how to take care of your life.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: So he can find out how to go out in life and do something. Does he have something he wants to contribute? So there are still these things from stage one that you go over. But there are just more things in there, like I would be interested to know Who are you? What interests you? I would be interested in reaching beyond myself emotionally and getting to know you, and I want to. I want to familiarise myself with relationship skills. I want to start understanding my own grief and my own baggage. I don't know, I don't know. Producing a lot of shit about you, it's not there in the stage. It's just cat faults. So there's a lot more to this. Giraffe language We go to couples counselling. We're really trying to have a harmonious, equal relationship with deep respect for each other. In this, there's also something about it being fifty-fifty, you know? I also take care of the kids and you also work and we both pay the bills, so it's very, very equal. Very evenly distributed. And it's a very beautiful in these with equality. It certainly is, but it can just be interpreted that we have to be equal. It becomes kind of the part, you know. I bring half and you bring half, so it can be a bit like that.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Anything that is different between the sexes can be erased because we're afraid of becoming stereotypical. We're afraid of becoming transgressive. We're afraid that our differences will make us hurt each other. But it does too. We become liver pate. We don't actually dare to step out into the respective polarities when we have sex, which means that very often sex becomes very boring, very, very boring, very grey and very, very, very boring. So many couples stand here and say we work, we're really good friends and we're really good at project management together. When we do it, we know it. We have common values and we like to go travelling so we can share some good knowledge. And we have conversations, but we don't think about anyone, and that's because when you sit with a friend and you sit with a colleague and it's all about project management, or you sit and talk about the feelings. Dec Their sexual energy is so that is polarity has been diluted. It really becomes something shop shape in bed, and there you can say The next step as some start to feel a hunger. There's something more to this, so there's something we're missing, some wildness in some of the danger.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Here, a woman may go back to finding a bad boy, who she then burns her hands on because she feels she's missing something, she wants to shake that man. Where the hell are you her? Why don't you take me to me now? You know it's all so boring so she misses what she really misses. She doesn't miss some gang member you can take her hard really, what she misses is popularity. She actually misses that, she misses being taken. She misses the polarity of it. The one that needs to be woken up. Here she just has to remember to take responsibility for that, she also has to realise what her gifts are to the man, which is the feminine pole. It's the inviting one, the inviting bottom. It's the opening on, because right here. If she's taken on very masculine values, then she becomes a bit monotonous and closed. There's no invitation in it. There's nothing to teach her, there's nothing sensual, delicious. And that is to say, she doesn't dance, and it's not because anyone has to perform anything here. There is no polarity. But now we have to step into something because we have to perform. Not at all. It has to be. It's about allowing yourself to dig yourself out and something that lies within you and is much more similar and much more vulnerable to actually find it again.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: And thus we approach stage three. So instead of going back to swearing and messing around, without any badboy mess, we can actually take the leap together. Do we want to take the leap together and play with what's inside us and actually consciously step into the polarity. Not macho bimbo, so you can't go backwards. Evolution is not looking backwards, but it's actually with consciousness and becoming the line of polarity. And here you know what plays with the sexual energy and thus also goes through the way we live. If you think it's cool to fix car tyres and build a patio, then maybe I don't need to understand how to do it. Just because I have to be a free woman, that is, if I... I might think it's cool, but this thing about instead of that, what we have to be able to say ourselves. Where do we actually want to lean into each other and how can we lean into our respective poles? And have we compromised here? Yes, we came it to one over responsibility, where? Because the one who takes responsibility is what a lot of women do.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Becoming a project manager in the home they are damn good at it. The problem is that typically the energy arises. If you take the masculine pole, the person you're with is pushed over the feminine pole and often you start barking at the man. So take responsibility and why do I have to do this? But you've brought it with you. What should I do then? Then you also have to realise that if I want someone else to take the masculine pole, if I ask him to take it, then I'm masculine myself. Then I'm trapping him in a feminine bullshit. How do I do that? How do I play here then? How do I play? If I bark admiringly at him, then I'm already the masculine energy. Then I get him pushed into the feminine. So how can I pull back, or how can I change my own state? So I'm in the feminine so that he has the opportunity to step into the masculine, so it becomes a dance for him. We try to push each other to be something else in deprivation and longing in ourselves. So in that way it becomes one. An invitation to a very insanely delicious dance where we sometimes stumble, step on each other's toes, like practising it.

  Sune Sloth: Is it possible to do that without being conscious of this? If he is. Well, if he's been educated well, well and thoroughly feminist and has gone to kindergarten with a lot of women and has learnt to step back when women step forward to show respect and that everyone is equal. And she shouldn't be challenged on whether she can hold a drill and then get down because it's misunderstood.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Yes, she should finally hold a drill, if and when it is, we'll take it. It's more about this. Have we taken on something that makes us put some shells outside to get something that we actually want to surrender to Hear? A lot of women say that. They long to surrender, and it's as if they have to hold so much responsibility. I can't let go. I can't let go because someone takes responsibility and then it falls back on me. So I have to stand and hold it like it's a big cramp. And if the man is machine-orientated in his sexuality, he won't be turned on by a strange woman. It's not something he's thinking. His body will be repulsed, not disgusted, but magnetic. Just as an open female body will suck him in, almost hypnotise him. A closed female body will actually repel him. And it's not her fault. It's not his fault. It's about guilt. It's about the fact that we simply don't fully understand how these dynamics work and therefore many couples,’ he says. ‘It's much easier when we're on holiday, so it's not laundry, you. You open up and you laugh again and all of a sudden I can see your wonderful smile and you reach out. You want to touch me and you kiss me again. It's as if all that disappears when you're completely masculine.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: There isn't. You don't focus on caring. You don't focus on the sensual, the sensuous, because that's where the feminine lies, pleasure, the sensual I'm in, want to touch. I laugh spontaneously. It's all about the feminine. You can't force it. It's a state you're in, otherwise you're not in it. So it's actually more about where you do. Creating space for it to arise in her or him if he needs to get over the feminine, because he needs access to that too, especially in terms of being able to feel his emotions. So both couples need to be in both the masculine and feminine. It's just about figuring out when we're in it. So if a woman has been at work all day and has been there, say she's a boss, or she's a student, or she has a task, you need to be in the masculine for a long time, and she's damn good at it. She's storming through the programmes, she's learned the masculine. They've embraced it like this because they weren't allowed. We weren't allowed. We were left behind, and then we were finally allowed to vote and get out and take programmes and stuff like that, so we just made it forward. It's fucking great, and we had to do that to liberate ourselves, so we have to take on a lot of masculine power and make that day and say that we're fucking great! So we shouldn't go back.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: But we can use those skills while practising not one wrong word. We create space for us to open up our softness, which is all about the female body being enormously open, with so many degrees of openings, but insanely delicious, ecstatic. And we don't want that. It shouldn't be taken away from us. We need to be able to be a fucking bad boy when we need to be. At the same time, we have to be completely soft and open and surrender, surrender to the right person. So it's really just about being able to master the spectrum. And I see women longing, and they're about to go over the edge of convulsions, so they crave and can let go. But they lack the security and trust that someone will take over the responsibility if they let go when they let go. And that's where I want to ask men to understand this. You can't both dream of having great sex and having a great arse at the same time. I think it's great to give up responsibility because it's great that she takes it. I can't do that. My body can't open up to a person she doesn't trust if she feels her mask. She trusts her own masculinity more than she trusts his shell. That's where the body is closed. And it has to be.

  Sune Sloth: And then we're back to this question of whether it's possible for a man who has been brought up feminist. And now we're in Denmark, where gender equality is higher than in many other places.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: And that's great. It's a necessary step, because we don't want to go back to a lot of bullshit. It's just as if we've reached a place where we're like Okay, we are. We're starting to understand, and there still needs to be equal pay. And when it is. We don't talk about it. We don't talk about the things that are going on in the labour market. We talk about, how does it work relationally?

  Sune Sloth: But how can you With a man who is not aware of this, who is trained in holding the door, you might provoke someone and be initiating. It might be transgressive, and can you do this, who is trained in this, can he do it without consciousness? So what does it take?

  Mette Miriam Sloth: In the man or her?

  Sune Sloth: Well, typically, some women ask: How do I get my husband to do this?

  Mette Miriam Sloth: She can't get him to do it. She can invite him, because the feminine pole.

  Sune Sloth: So give him this if she gives him this. She also does a podcast about how the man, if she tries to get him to do it, but it succeeds. No, the hero.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Typically, what will happen is that she will bring home a lot of self-help books and try to book time for him for courses and stuff like that. It goes completely wrong, because then she takes on that machine and he takes the feminine pool because he sits and waits. And now I'm trying to do what you say, but it's not coming from him. It has come from his own drive, so she actually has to let him go. She actually has to let go of the need for him to change. And then she has to focus on. ‘I choose to open up because I want my body to be open. I want me to feel like I'm dying of stress and be mentally ready. You're constantly anxious, constantly feeling like I'm tired to the bone. So she can actually open up and play with her own sexuality. A woman is actually able to open up a lot sexually without being around men. It's beautiful, so she can take the journey even if he doesn't come along at some point. If he continues to not move with her, she will most likely break off the relationship if it would be painful. But that's all the work she's done will ever be lost, because she'll feel much better.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: And you could say that she starts to take on the journey and starts to use her discernment. What is my own immaturity? What is he producing? What is me producing? What are epigenetic wounds that are coming up through me? When is it that I have to sniff my way through until he's unkempt and the Nope, I'm not taking that on. I only accept odour. His stupid smell. He's lying. I can smell. He says he's going to do something he doesn't want to do. It smells, he's dodging responsibility, what there is to learn. And we are usually women when we sense a huge number of things and become discerning in what's what. It's an invaluable journey to go on so whether he goes or doesn't go because it can be used with a potential other partner can be used, but it can your gift to a potential partner and also give a huge but most of all a gift to herself because she feels much better because she learns when she she she manages in herself. Now it's feminine because this keeps me from getting sick less and being less stressed. Now it's masculine because I have to accomplish it. Learning that dance, just that dance itself, and then starting to put it into play with those who are interested in dancing with you will change the world as we know it.

  Sune Sloth: But can she be inviting in a way where he becomes aware without him having learnt it?

  Mette Miriam Sloth: I would say she can, when she stops walking in masculine ways, try to push him to do something and evolve. She simply drops it, has to find her own way, and then she starts to feel more at home in herself. In other words, she actually starts to clean up and take care of some of the stuff. She can't do anything about him, but she can start taking care of herself, which means her wellbeing will also increase. Her physical wellbeing will increase in her. Her relationship with herself will improve. That is, she will shine more. She will light up more. If he doesn't notice that she lights up more there. That is, there's a very high probability that he'll suddenly be aroused by her because she glows, and that invitation makes him curious. He approaches her in new ways, he might suddenly speak to her in ways she's dreamed of for years. That he starts to take responsibility for himself, but something she could never get him to do. There are some men who start to be awakened in themselves and then maybe actually take the next step and say, ‘This is something. This is one. The change is so big. They have what they can do.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Some of this is delicious. I would like to work for this. It makes a huge difference. And then they start to be aware of it, then there's a possibility, because of course there's also a possibility that she suddenly overtakes him, but there's always that in our relationships. There is always the possibility that when you move, the person won't move with you. And that's when you think you can take a leap, and you say the other person was cramping the whole time. Examine What is it that I fear? Here I fear that the relationship will die. Fear and loneliness. What is it? What am I afraid of here? Because basically, why do we take each other for granted very quickly in a relationship? It's because we think we make sure that I'm sure that I have your love. Even though some things we don't do anything for that love and we never are. It's more like a pool to have. Then I have some kind of plank to hold on to. But it's just something about love. Okay then. So that's why it's so difficult to dare to unfold love, we actually have to dare to risk our relationship on a daily basis.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Not by doing stupid things, but by looking at the other person with love. You have the freedom, I choose you in love, I choose you because I want you over others sometimes. So if, we should be able to honestly say now I have chosen this partner and I have chosen close relationships. This is what I spend my life energy on because this is what I want. Or just because I could have others, and I know that. I don't want to get up and try to put food on the market. Or you have to dare to be honest with yourself and with someone. And then we know it, so someone knows it. And then I met him or her, and it was very easy, and then you could have some children, and then it's good, which it shouldn't have been. Then it happened quickly, and it would become one of the places where we lie to ourselves and each other the most in relationships. And that in the form where we say we have the most love. We long for love, but it's practised in every minute of every day. It demands a lot from you, so you ask if you're willing to take it on.

  Sune Sloth: It sounds like the man's lack of responsibility, whether he's aware of it or not, is a big problem. Huge.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Huge, huge problem.

  Sune Sloth: I got a message from someone who wrote My husband is just sitting on the sofa. The sofa and stares at the phone. And yes, I'm watching football and if his friend calls, he's ready for something. But if I say it reminds him of something we've agreed, then I'll be later and nothing will happen. Then there's a little lie here and there. You've heard that story before. Would you say that a man with a woman might risk hurting himself trying to wake up his man? With the transformative potential of sexuality? Can you tell me something about that?

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Yes, I would like to, because it's actually something we talk very little about. Unfortunately, far too little. The sexual sexual power is enormously transformative, contains enormous transformative potential. Anything that is transformative can also hurt and is basically also powerfully traumatising for the traumatised. And of course you can see that in the violent situation where a woman is raped, for example. It's extremely traumatising, but you should see it more like when a woman and a man have sex together. Of course, you may find it a little more difficult in, let's say, a saturated relationship where there is deep knowledge of each other. The power that comes from that should provide ecstasy, emotion, connection and feeling. Deliciousness that both lies in the orgasm, which can spread throughout the body by seeing it as if it hits places, frames, closures. And that means that if a woman has been abused in her life translated in its essence youth, then having sex there will be a huge amount of guilt and shame built. One that will have built up when her body will have shut down and it will come up when she has sex with her partner. And there is something enormously beautiful in that. Even though it's terrible that some women are subjected to it, there's something beautiful in the fact that it's actually possible for her to be completely together with a man in the sexual act.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: But it's something about being aware when it happens, because her body can shut down. And actually, even if a woman hasn't been abused in her life, we carry some epigenetic wounds because they have become a chore. There was a tremendous amount of abuse against women over the last several thousand years, and we carry them. We know that it is enormously sad and it can very well come up in a sexual act and it happens without communication. Realising that means the body is shutting down. You may be enough or you may be lying in a position where he knows the missionary with him on top and like you're going to suffocate and that's normal, you don't want to press that position. There can be a lot of things and this will happen very, very much. All by itself. Things will come up, her body language will shut down, she'll want to move or she'll zone out or her body will hurt or whatever. But because we don't have a language for it, we do. But people are aware of it, so he doesn't know, and she doesn't know what.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: She has to articulate it, and he doesn't know how to spot it. So that's why it often happens that this comes up in her body, and she doesn't speak up and doesn't communicate it, because your bodily response. It doesn't come out verbally and he hasn't communicated it. He doesn't know that it's happening. He doesn't realise that when he has sex with a woman, thousands of years old wounds can come up through her body. They communicate through her body, and just being penetrated, there can be places in the vagina and entrance that are actually more or less numb, that can hurt and that can be aroused. So there's a lot of beauty in this, but also a lot of pain. So being able to stand in it together and work with it together has a very, very beautiful transformative potential. And it's very sad that we don't realise that, because that's the most noble task, as I see it. Our sexuality has the highest, the highest function of human sexuality. It's not just creating children and giving ecstasy. It's also pleasurable and everything reproductive. But it's the highest octave. It's actually that it has such a redemptive potential that we can heal very violent, very deep wounds. In love together.

  Sune Sloth: Does it require a man and a woman to demand it.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: The man is the man, yes, the man. I would actually say because he can become enormous. He can become extremely distraught if she suddenly shuts down and he doesn't understand why he has done it wrong or too violently. What's going on? And there can be all kinds of fears in him and what's going on. The trick is really to pay attention to her signals. When he notices that she's shutting down. And over time, as she's comfortable communicating when she can feel it, is to actually stop everything. Actually just being there with her. It's not his fault. It's about guilt. It's really about being with the pain or the norm that's in her body right there. Really just closing the circle around her, removing all demands and removing demands that she has to explain herself or because her. When the body carries a trauma that it clenches around, the collision shuts down. So you can't really articulate it. So to be clenched around something that's painful, that you don't understand yourself, and to be asked for an explanation that he understandably wants to know what's going on, she can't actually do that. She can't actually explain it. So the best thing is to actually give her space and hold her, but give her space so she can pull herself in. How close should I be? Should I just be in the room? Can I touch her? Is that okay? And at some point, what is typically thought to be this mortal state will withdraw.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Maybe she starts to shake. It's also a response in the body that she starts shaking and starts crying. Finally, make room for him to be frightened. He probably will be. But it's a wonderful reaction that the body actually started to read, so he understands that it could very well come up and it could come like this. It could be a specific position that the body recalls. It could be that he was playing with the borderland, and gently puts his hands around her neck, without there being anything more to it than that it's a naughty game that tricks a memory in her body that is not necessary for this life. If violence in connection with sexual sexuality comes up, it's because you're playing on the edge here. And that's also why sexuality is so delicious, because it's a bit dangerous. So knowing that we are playing on the edge, and when we have love and heart in it, there is the possibility that we can release something without necessarily having to understand it. It's the body that scratches it. That's what makes it so beautiful. That's actually what you draw attention to. That there is a bodily reaction and being with it together with her. And for her, it's about trusting and starting to have the confidence to let go when it comes. That is, if it's pressing on her and she feels as if she's being suffocated, even if there's no one around.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: And she doesn't understand why. The normal attitude she enjoys is daring to say stop, daring to give herself space. Maybe she needs to get rid of her tantrums and maybe not against him, but maybe throwing things. Daring to let it out is what is needed. Grave crying and it would come up as a pressure in the body after a push away or crying or expressing herself or shutting down completely? And the trick is actually for her to dare to surrender to being with it and let him witness her in it. And that requires enormous trust, and it's a journey you can take together, and it's often stopped because she's afraid of frightening him. She's afraid of being required to do something. She's afraid to move into this because she's afraid of letting herself fall into something that feels so painful. Maybe there's even images that pop up in her mind of violent things and she'll be scared out of her mind or let herself fall into it because she's afraid she won't come out of it again and she might be afraid if he can handle her like he can handle and be in it with her. So it's more to say that there's something very, very beautiful in this and be aware of it. Very well and something very easily can arise. It will be very natural and very naturally occurring.

  Sune Sloth: Why is it so difficult to talk to women about their sexuality when you're a man?

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Yes, I've heard many men say they're frustrated that they want to. I'm very curious as to why women? What turns you on and what do you fantasise about? And what do you want to try? How many men feel like this is easy for them to talk about? Not for everyone, but for some. And they think she lets them beat themselves up. Don't want to talk about it. You know, I want my horniness. You wanna watch porn together? Let me put it into words and explain it. For a lot of women, sitting down and talking about sexuality is hard. Sometimes it's easier to do what other women do, and even then it can be difficult, and there are different reasons for that. Some reasons include expressing yourself in relation to your desires and imagination and what turns you on. There may be a fear of being exposed, which casts a shadow on the person who has been violently oppressed, and unfortunately still is. And we don't understand women's sexuality. It's a very violent, juicy issue that unfortunately we don't fully understand at all yet. We are a very young party, and because we have suppressed women's sexuality, also men's, but to a large extent women's, there is a backlog. So there will be a lot of shaming of women's sexuality that we women carry. So the thing about just letting go. There is still. There's still a stereotype that men are allowed to have all kinds of desires. We know she does too, but she can't say it out loud, because suddenly he can't handle it anyway.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: All women of a certain mature age have tried to share themselves and give themselves over to a horniness that he can't handle. And it's horrible, so she's very careful about that. Another thing is that she's afraid of sharing fantasies that are perhaps reserved for her own inner self, that she enjoys herself, but that she has never thought about living out. For example, many women will fantasise about being with multiple people, multiple men or multiple men and women, multiple men and women. But many women who have. They have fantasies, have no desire to be penetrated by multiple physical men. It would be very, I have to like if it's going to be all sorts. But in fantasy, you don't have to deal with who you are. But in reality, that fantasy may not even have to be lived out. Many women have experienced sharing that fantasy, where the part of the man's sexuality that's hot, because they know there's this delicious penetrating pressure. When you can have that, it's really hot. But feeling pressure, because he can interpret things very literally, like if you have the fantasy that fat, I have that too. Now I'm going to go out and find three men for us, because men can also get really turned on by seeing their woman being taken by others. But it's not at all certain that her fantasy of being with more men can be reconciled with his desire to see her being taken by other men.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: They're two very different things, and she may not be able to handle it or want to handle the fact that he likes it. I may be able to fantasise about it, but I can't bear the thought of you wanting to see me getting fucked by others. It can create all kinds of dissonance in her, so there's a difference here in how men and women approach sex or approach fantasies. So she might be afraid of being pushed into something. If she shares these things with him, that he'll kind of start to nag her a little bit about it and take it very literally and she'll be afraid to share something about herself that he either can't handle or he has to put pressure on her. Those would be the typical things. And then there's also a backlog in terms of women's sexuality being seen as something unclean, as a slutty girl and so on. And it's still there for her to sit and maintain eye contact and move into this. But it would make her blush. It would make her blush. It would often make her very shy, and he might suspect that he's coming, or he might have an attitude towards her as if she's immature or a bit inexperienced here. And why not with more experience? She can very quickly take it on as if there's something wrong with her sexuality and her attitude towards it.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: And he can interpret it in context, because he has no idea what it's like and what a woman's body with the wounds it brings with it and the depth and sensuality and vulnerability, because the female body is typically inviting. Being penetrated, opening up and being penetrated and surrendering to it will also mean that you have some wounds on it. So it just falls into an incredible number of things that are unspoken between the sexes. And he approaches it very matter-of-factly and incredibly literally. I think it's great to talk about fantasies. Why don't you do that? And it's not certain that she can actually bear to hear about his fantasies, even if he wants to tell her. So it's a huge deal. So sometimes, if the man doesn't want to, I want to have fantasies, and then it's something about not pushing yourself on someone. Is it better to go for a walk that can? Contact, and he asks gently and is always very respectful of what she wants to share and whoever is there if he suddenly fails. No how delicious, I want to try that too. I'm planning ahead. I have a friend or two that I think only belongs to one. I'm not sure it would be very respectful of her inner fantasy world, which isn't necessarily as vivid as his.

  Sune Sloth: Is there a direct correlation between her degree of openness and her trust in him?

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Yes, that's what I would say. If she loses trust in her partner, her body closes down over time. And we have enough. We may have one of the explanations as to why this happens? The one where he feels like I forgot the potatoes once, and she can lie after me. There may be a vigilance on, he may trust you, because it's as if she's acting on can be trusted. If you can't even figure out how to bring potatoes home for dinner, what can trust that you have me, embracing me with your structure and your directing power when I surrender to the deepest ecstasy, which in the feminine can potentially feel like you. Becoming one with the universe you need. You flow out of it all. You have no structure. It is possible in a female body to have that ecstatic experience and it's not something you have to achieve. There's an achievement in it. More to the point, what is it in sexuality? So that is, if you have to surrender and open yourself to that depth or just taking that dance with your partner where you unfold the potential of the feminine pole, which is open and deep and deeper and deeper and deeper. You can only do that if there is someone who has you and you can only do that if there is a masculine pole that has you, sees you witnesses you. It is said that if the person wobbles zones out thinking about porn star and meanwhile there is something, then the person has you can't do it, so I am one hundred per cent trust-based.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Then you could say, I would say that too. If the man has so completely, he has the entire responsibility for her being on the other side of her openings, and they do. Woman woman comment Many closures We have closures due to immaturity we have closures due to childhood grief. We have closures and epidemic wounds we have. There are many wounds. Of course, he shouldn't be entirely responsible for that, because then he'll be working overtime. So what that's actually about is one of the most important things for a woman who, you know, sexually is in that, she's in the feminine pole and thus longing to surrender to open up. And especially regardless of whether she has it, it's always good to open up in a woman's body. You know, being able to be in the feminine, to be in the world. It's actually about training discernment to know what are my closures about? Which of my closures are from childhood? Which closures are social grief or epigenetic? Grief or death? Familial grief, inherited grief. They taste different, they feel different. And which closures are about him not standing clean and right now having confidence. Either he doesn't come clean because he's deliberately not lying, he says you're not here, or he contradicts you without realising it.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: That she's actually there to wake him up. And it can look the same. Very often we just feel we're closing, or sometimes we don't even feel it. We just have a reaction, and then it's the partner who receives our hearts and says like this, and then we realise we're closed. So there's something about a progression is figuring out what feels like. When I close, it learns, I say hey, interesting, now I'm closing. And the next step is to find out what is the closing about and what for some. The closure is actually my own responsibility. Not because it's your own fault, it's actually about us carrying closures, and you could say the deepest mechanism in us humans. It's also for him that when we close, how do I open up again and how do I open up again together? And that's where couples, no matter where you are, whether you're a teenager, a couple or a long-term relationship, what age you are or how deep do you get when you're banging your head against the same wall across all kinds of relationships? How the hell do we get back to opening up together when we're both overwhelmed and locked up? It's the hardest nut to crack in relationships, and it's typically where people give up. So it's important to find out.

  Sune Sloth: Must be able to differentiate between what types of closures there are, what is hers and what is his. Yes, exactly epigenetics. You used that word a couple of times, you need to elaborate a little bit. Mette Miriam Sloth: Yes.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Epigenetic grief is because we're like so how long have we hoped Sapiens? The species we are now, every 50,000 years, we carry our entire evolution, our genetics. And that also means that we have a kind. We all have some darkness or some sadness. That what previous generations haven't had the opportunity to deal with, they've just had to say yes. So you were raped, you were slaughtered, you lost children, and it's been a brutal world and to some extent it still is. And at certain times it hasn't been possible to process that trauma. It's been pushed down and some of it comes up. So sometimes you will have some wounds that are not about your childhood that are deeper and will come up in you. And they taste different. They have a different flavour. I would say. I would actually say epigenetic wounds when they come up. It feels like a greater degree of entitlement, it feels like you want to rip his head off in a completely different way than when you're triggered by other defences. And it's typical, if you have the consciousness, then you can feel it as if there's some kind of evolutionary primal force flaring up through you over something. But you don't realise it. He hasn't done anything to provoke him. He hasn't done anything wrong, but it triggers a primal roar. When that happens, you're dealing with epigenetics and there's a huge opportunity for transformation. I've unlocked both the family lineage as well as the future, so I actually see the relationship as an excellent catalyst to bring all this stuff to fruition.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: What often happens is that things are brought up where we end up scaring the hell out of each other and projecting it onto each other and further traumatising each other. And that's why so many people opt out of relationships because they can't bear to be put down. And you can't stand to put up with that. So what I try to show women or practice with them is to taste the difference. When is it my own little girl? I want my own way when we all have that little annoying girl who just wants it our own way and she just needs to mature. We have to see that for ourselves. Sometimes we end up throwing her in our partner's face, and he just has to lovingly tell us when it's just me, and then we have some other wounds. We have some love wounds, for the child, where we don't feel seen and met and loved, which we also sometimes have to lay out with our partner, and that's not his responsibility either. But other times it's him who says he wants us. But he's not there and there are thighs, so you can feel that he doesn't actually feel your desire to open up with him, and he pretends to want to, but he doesn't do the work. Then your system has to react. You should want to rip his head off. You should feel a deep pain and a deep sadness, but only just figuring out for what, what and what. This sounds like it.

  Sune Sloth: Form of deception, almost conscious or unconscious.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: There is a lot of manipulation in relationships. An enormous amount of manipulation and some of it you could say you're geared towards, i.e. narcissism and psychopathy. Of course, that's a category on its own, but you're also everyone. All ordinary people who are not personality disordered are going to do a lot of emotional manipulation that is not intentionally seen. But in fact, every time you have a need that you don't dare or have the courage to face, you have to try to get the other person to fulfil your need without saying so. For example, it could be having a need to do something sexual that you haven't done enough to go out and seek out. When you then try to push the other person to take care of as much as I've wanted to do that, and to say if you want to, I don't want to, then we can't be together. But the cost of pushing can come in many, many ways. And deep down, it's often about a deep fear of losing the relationship. So to avoid creeping in and manipulating to get our needs met, we actually have to be brutally honest. And here we also need to have the courage to face her without the fear of losing the relationship. It may well be that you have a wish that the other person cannot or will not fulfil, or a longing in the relationship that the other person does not want. That you know what you have. I want us to go deep in the relationship and explore the sexual and use the transformative and take it as a development path. And it can be the other. But I would just rather have that. By having fun and paying rent together, you have the same longings in terms of what you want from the relationship. Because there's something wrong with one or the other. But there's a big difference between the two will never be able to meet.

  Sune Sloth: If he says so, I'd like to too.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: If he says it and he doesn't do it. Maybe he says it because he doesn't want to lose the relationship, but then he doesn't act on it. And then you will search and stand. And you pull and pull and pull and pull and pull, and he talks and talks and talks, but he doesn't act on anything, and tonight we were supposed to do something, and then he falls into football or going out with friends. So you'll see that he prioritises that?

  Sune Sloth: But if you were to go from you-know-what to having in us and not just having that in your hopes and longings, then you give him many chances. Could you turn round and say What are the positive signs that he really wants this?

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Positive signs that he really wants to do this are that he. Start prioritising it as much as he prioritises and rides his bike into the woods. Look at stocks, turning, painting, holiday homes, riding a bike. That he actually starts to use the fervour and perseverance and the drive and the iron will and the focused energy he uses on what genuinely fascinates and interests him. You start to see him start to spend in this area, and you start to see that he gets shaken in his real-life understanding of who he thought he was and how the world was connected and who he thought you were, and that right there he becomes a little posselt and stops and thinks Shit! I'm shocked, but I'm going to keep this exciting. And as you can see, he starts to reach beyond himself to meet you to a higher degree than what he's already been good at. But he does it to an even greater extent and actually starts reading up on how he works. Woman Well, that's what I always tell men when they whinge about not getting enough sex. If you spent as much time familiarising yourself with female physiology, male female function as you do playing all kinds of stupid sports, you could get all the sex I want. It's whinging and it doesn't work.

  Sune Sloth: Yes, because you can end up in a yes, but in a crisis where the woman longs for this and he might say it. And then you can discuss whether it's because he feels the longing for it at all. But maybe you should actually be more aware of positive signs of activity. Yes, exactly. Does he take any action for this himself?

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Yes, it's not enough that he just books an appointment with a couples therapist when you've said I can't take it anymore. And then he doesn't even go, so it ebbs away.

  Sune Sloth: Over over. Not Whiskas, but just before yes.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: And unfortunately, there are many who stand. I would say that it's really about the fact that sometimes there's also a lack of knowledge in relation to what it is we can actually do together as a couple? So it's about that thing where, if he starts to get bitten by it, he becomes interested in it. But it's actually more about walking the talk, and that's good for all of us, but especially for men.

  Sune Sloth: So pay more attention to what he does, what he says and.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Much more aware of what it is, no matter what he says. It doesn't matter what he says. The only thing that's relevant to look at is what he does. And does he keep it?

  Sune Sloth: I could imagine that many women who are in a relationship try to cram this in because it has to fit in with their current situation and the one they've chosen. And the one they've put H in, etc. And there are also children, and there are all kinds of things, and that would be a hassle too. Is that something you recognise?

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Theoretically, it's possible that you take the journey together, and you go straight there. And then we have to deal with the fact that the relationship dies many times when you die in a divorce. Sometimes it dies because the phase that's over, for example, couples talk a lot about it down there. Most couples can expect that. When there are young children, there is typically very little sex. Not for everyone, but for many. It's like it's a bit of oil and water. The polarity and the focus on the relationship kind of stalls when you have project managers as children. And that's why it may well be that this is what women can fall into. That is, where the man can end up in this situation where he says he wants a relationship. He wants a relationship. He doesn't do anything about it. The woman can fall into that trap. I want the relationship and I want you as a man, but I'd like to have another child that postpones us looking at each other for at least 3-4-5 years. So here it is so-so. You could say. There are a huge number of traps in it.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: There are so many things that can draw attention away from looking at each other with renewed interest in why we chose each other. What is and how is the love between us? What does the love between us even mean? And that's why one of the biggest traps is Fallit, relationship stagnation and taking each other for granted. What gets in and what gets out? Have you become an old worn-out slipper? You don't look at each other with renewed interest, you could say. And both sexes can fall into that trap. So the woman can also be waiting for the man to move. But then it also happens that if it's actually the man who wants to move, the man's conscious focus on that is insanely hot. But there's also something deeply penetrating in you when it comes to looking at your own little girl. It's an immaturity, so if you're not able to take care of it, don't want to, then you want to run away screaming, and he has to hold on to that.

  Sune Sloth: Your problem.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Here is so precise.

  Sune Sloth: What does she do if he actually wants to do this? And she And she thinks she wants to.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: But then she realises that she also has places that she has to die or let go deeply to transform and mature. There will be things that he no longer needs to carry that she has pushed onto him. That's for sure. So it may well be that she. It may be that it can feel enormously pressurising to be faced with a man who wants it and is holding on. And it's not mine, because it's yours and he has to do it. Just as she must reject his immaturity, he must also reject her most loving behaviour, because it is, because it is. Love is about a freedom of production, and we are not yet capable of that. But we will eventually be able to. So that's actually what we're practising. How can we see the other purely and know that? Now you see it. I have to take responsibility for it myself.

  Sune Sloth: What role does language play in this? And now I'm thinking that you can go to therapy, and you can work on feeling yourself and feeling your emotions, differentiating them and feeling what's happening in your body. And now you're also talking about production and... Is it the articulation? A therapist will probably say. Then we sit and put them into words, and then I have my needs. I have no feelings. You know, it's what's inside you.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: If you as a couple have not experienced any kind of competence in articulating emotions and have articulated emotions on your own side and have an understanding of the other's that you enjoy experiencing. So the thing about having been in therapy and recognising patterns and having some understanding of your childhood, having some understanding of your attachment. Grief that we all have. How do I react when I feel threatened in my relationship and close myself in or become clingy? Well, all that stuff. It's invaluable and it's necessary at some point. When you see language can make too happy that it actually just muddies it more and then you actually get to use it like that. It can't. Now you know that I have this pattern, and then I think you're being transgressive. And you know that if you talk to me in that tone of voice, I'll be pressurised at some point. When you get to that point, you can't go any further, where language has to work with what lies from here all the way down to the non-verbal. Here we hit a stage in the third stage, which is. The dance is actually not about words at all.

  Sune Sloth: But isn't there also? The second stage of this conversation, which almost resembles a negotiation I'm having. I'm thinking about Rosenberg's non-violent communication, and it's a really good exercise to dare to formulate your needs. He has a list where you can actually start practising differentiation, but it becomes a kind of negotiation. I have these needs, you know, my needs and such and such and your needs. And then maybe we can plan the day so that my needs are met and they are met. That's not how it works today. Well, almost yesterday. This is an exchange where we both have needs and then fulfil what I need. Anal sex So you need to be cuddled and watch Netflix and have chocolate ice cream and so on. Then we'll find a solution.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: That's not enough.

  Sune Sloth: Is that good, I might hear a little bit of leading questions.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: What do you think about that? You hit the nail on the head very well, because one thing is that we get to the damn well and have reached both and can articulate a need. That's great, but the problem is that we tell ourselves that because I've articulated it, it's your duty to honour it. That's where we end up. You end up in an alliance partner. A relationship where you shop the way you like it, and I expect you to do the same, but it gets us down. I'll do what you like, then I'll take that as a parameter. Then you have to stand by and give me room to take turns or whatever it may be. And it builds up this kind of sentiment, this kind of irritation, because you basically push each other into forms that aren't very cool. So the art is actually more about knowing Hey, I can't expect you to fulfil my needs. No human being can do that. Maybe you'll take care of it yourself. So where can we meet, and what can we actually explore together here in our differences, which is not so much about me, me, me, me basically. The next stage is about reaching beyond yourself and saying what is, what can I give as a gift to you?

  Sune Sloth: So the next level is a level where therapy, self-therapy, descriptions, needs and things like that have their place.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Definitely and cannot be skipped. Mette Miriam Sloth: No.

  Sune Sloth: You can't skip the car.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: But at some point you start to realise that you can't do it anymore. You become you. You get really tired at the thought of going down and plundering your childhood. I got really tired at the thought of sitting with couples counsellors and stuff. And then I have. When you think like that and it's your perspective, is it mine? A mouth comes out of it.

  Sune Sloth: But what you're saying to me is that transformative potential is not transformative.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: It's not in the words, never no. So it's in the dance. It's in the dance, where you feel into each other.

  Sune Sloth: So how back in this one we are down in. Try to ask her here. When should she put something on?

  Mette Miriam Sloth: And how and how? Because one of the reasons why it can be difficult to take something on is actually the fear that if I go and apologise and say yes, it was mine. That you'll be blamed, that you'll be mocked, that you'll be belittled, that you'll be, well, it's always you. Some of the defence is actually about clinching because you expect that when you apologise, you'll be joked about further, so that's one thing. So what's really important to realise is that when you start to open up in vulnerability and practice taking other responsibility for your other, they actually go back and say Okay, what happened just before you think was actually not about you. I think it actually hit something in me that was hugely painful and hugely vulnerable to share where it comes from. A very vulnerable place in you when vulnerability is a super power when we share it, when we are in vulnerability and work with vulnerability. This is where we grow, if we share vulnerability with a predator or someone who can't handle it or someone who's not willing to handle it, it can be hugely destructive because they will use it against you, so everyone will have had the experience of exposing themselves vulnerably to someone they've never done. If you do, it will look like this.

  Sune Sloth: What it will be used against you.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Well, for example, let's say you're a relation you share something with, that you've had a difficult period in your life, where you might have been hospitalised in a psychiatric ward or received help or in some other way found it extremely difficult to say you were lying. You have when you're newly in love and you've had sex and you feel deeply connected. You share something that's been really difficult, then you fast forward 2-3 years. Let's say you have a situation at work that makes you stressed and vulnerable, and you come home and say you have these symptoms and you can handle it. That all of a sudden it's you who's mentally ill too. So it becomes just you, you've always been there. You share your very vulnerable moment and it's used against you, as if I have you under control or can expect and demand something from you by using this against you.

  Sune Sloth: And that's something that we must hasten to say that it can go both ways.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Yes, it could go completely both ways, this. It's between people. It can also go between child and parent. It can happen in all relationships. This can be abused in the worst possible way.

  Sune Sloth: Can there be an irritation about the other person's vulnerability, which hides the fact that you actually feel powerless to handle being close to someone who is having a hard time?

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Yes, your defences can come up.

  Sune Sloth: But that I don't want to take care of you, because this can't be my problem. Or you know what can be in it?

  Mette Miriam Sloth: There can be a fear, especially if you're in a place in life where you feel pressurised and you feel stretched. You might have small children and whatnot. Working and feeling pressurised in many ways. And then a partner comes along and lets say that partner has been down and out many times or maybe just slept with a pattern and you know you've felt like you've taken an extra shitty long time and then the partner comes down there and you can't take any more. So it may also be that the partner is almost never down. But right now I'm having a hard time and you can't handle it. It could also be that you've been used to being lifted by your partner when you're having a hard time. And then the partner like I'm actually having a hard time comes along too. And you just have it. You can't have that. If not, then I can't have it. If you're down and having a hard time, then I can't have a hard time. You know I have to reject you so you can get back on your feet, and that's not deliberate manipulation. It's in your nature. It's in your defence in relation to your feelings that you have to be you to protect me.

  Sune Sloth: So there may be something special in relation to the woman who needs to feel protected and have a strong man as What can there be there where he is vulnerable and where you know and weak can there be something there?

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Yes, I've heard many men say that they fear and show vulnerability, and that's not just because they have difficulty with their own vulnerability, which many men do, because unfortunately it's been seen as a sign of weakness, especially in the hierarchy. Men have told women that they feel that their woman becomes hard and edgy and rejecting when he is vulnerable. And some of that may well be evolutionary. You're just leaving and I'm not going to be your fucking mum. You don't fucking take care of me. And I've actually worked with women to realise that if she has it, it's actually really important that she takes responsibility for that part of herself. Not in the sense of doing it wrong. It's more important that she recognises that it's there, because she might push him away and not create any space for it, because we are all human. Vulnerable at times, regardless of gender, who can't keep being strong all the time. It's an illusion that it works like that. And this thing with the feminine masculine. We shouldn't be in a match situation where he is always. Where he's always masculine and strong because there are some people who are. So it's about us being able to give gifts to each other when one of us is down, is affected by something, that we can embrace it and be you. And actually it's now I'm holding the framework, you know lying there Take care of yourself. I take action. I do whatever it takes to make you feel safe, and that can trigger shadows in the woman.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Definitely, which we would also say is rooted in epigenetics, so it's how we have been shaped by evolution to ensure survival. There can definitely come up shade. And the best thing is actually for women. Pay attention to this, it's a really good litmus test for her. What was that like? What happens in her when her partner becomes vulnerable? And of course if she's with someone who asks her to be strong at all? Sometimes we end up in a relationship where we end up lifting someone else all the time. It can be a pattern that at some point, especially if you've been with a partner who's been on sick leave for a long time and has been suffering from depression for a long time or has been down with stress for a long time, this will come up at some point. At some point, you're just like, you know, the law about yourself is that I can't do this anymore. And it's also about the fact that we sometimes use the relationship as a crutch, because we can easily support each other. But it's something about supporting each other and helping each other get back on our feet, and then we let go. I have faith in you. I know you have the drive to move on from here. I want to help you, but I also need to be able to stand on my own. But that applies to both genders. It also applies to women exactly.

  Sune Sloth: Can find themselves in that situation. Yes, so the dilemma is that you're faced with a partner who doesn't dare take responsibility for working with something that's so difficult, and they end up in a tailspin. I understand that some people say I can't do it anymore. And then I finished.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Yes, it's also about and about, so we can all hit, and that's natural. And sometimes you want to hit the masters where you can't. Then you get back up again. But the things that made you come down, you don't take off, so you can see that you fall down again, because there are things here that are pressing that you haven't taken off yet. So sometimes you can do it. Sometimes it can be healthy. No, I don't want to sit and listen to that problem anymore because you haven't dealt with it. It's actually more loving to reject saying I can't listen to you with that because you're just taking a shit and smearing me. That's not a loving relationship. So this is where we women can be really bad. We women can be really bad at using men's attention to force him to sit and listen to our problems that we're not dealing with because it's soothing. We women can really use each other to talk about some problem at work that's not being solved or something that's taking up some emotional space that's piling up that we just talk about. And then it was great. Then it comes up again the next day and we need to talk to someone else about it. But we don't do anything about it. Some people who do can't do anything about it. But for the vast majority of men, it's extremely uncomfortable to be bombarded with an emotional issue where he can't offer a structure to solve it.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: And sometimes she just has to be listened to, so he has to both learn and listen to her when she has feelings. But she also has to learn. She can't just come to him with the same feeling again and again and again and again and again. It's incredibly uncomfortable for him if he does. Why should I listen to what you've been saying for 10 years, that it's stress. Stress stresses you out. You don't want to be in your job. Then do something about it, damn it. And it's appropriate that he feels the same way as she does. If he's constantly feeling sorry for a boss he can't handle. In other words, he's constantly being a little aggressive towards things that annoy him, but which he basically hasn't taken care of. So both genders. We are at risk of actually breaking down our relationships by continuing to deliberately rant about things that irritate us, but which we don't act on. So we just have to think lovingly and do what it is to have a relationship and offer our gift. The facts are that a very large part of It's actually about you getting your act together and dealing with the things in your life that are difficult. You can also ask for help and be responsive, but you can't just go and complain. It's unbearable to be with a man.

  Sune Sloth: It can be a conversation with someone more like an awareness session, where you shed some light, maybe get some angles and maybe start to figure out what to do.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Yes, and then maybe that.

  Sune Sloth: Masculine is also a gift. Are you.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Insane? And you can be grateful for that gift? That's actually what we recommend for women. Instead of listening all the time and expecting your husband to come home and expect you to bombard him with how your day has been.

  Sune Sloth: So there's that.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: So instead of shutting down, tell him to bombard him when he gets home. Then you can say now that I've just got you, you've got 10 minutes to listen to me. I've just got this go back as I could. I can really use your perspective on this, because you recognise his structural gift. You recognise that he might have a solution and you can say to him I just need you to listen to me right now and just give me a hug and say everything I need. I know you won't be overwhelmed by this and it's not a big thing I need to share. You can take the time right now to listen to it, so you actually give him instruction on what do you need right here? Because otherwise you're leaving him in nothing. So there's actually something about we can. We can lean into each other, but we do it from the start and gratitude for the other person's gift instead of coming from somewhere, and we demand it and demand it, expect it and expect it.

  Sune Sloth: We're about to wrap up. But I have one last question. How does she test if he's ready, and what are the red flags in terms of walking the path and starting to work with the things that allow us to go into this polarity? And this thing of going into the vulnerable states and allowing them to transform. What is what? How do I know? How does she know if he's ready for that?

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Honestly, she starts by asking him and then having conversations with him about it. And if he already resists and says I feel criticised, and I don't know, and the pool is overwhelming everything, then she just has to respect him for not knowing that. That's one thing and let him sound on that and consider. And then the other thing that I would say is a definite red flag. It's the one where he talks the talk but he doesn't walk the walk. Well, it's that if he says I'd like to, but he didn't see her because he's just waiting for her. Then we have a problem, because you realise that you want to. But what do you want? Where do you want to get down right on that? Because if he wants what you want, you don't think about it straight away, so if you want something in your life, he'll do something about it.

  Sune Sloth: You have to compare it to other things. He is motivated to see. Where does he prioritise it and how much does he actually do? And then of course you have to.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Resocialising if he doesn't want to. Of course you have to respect him if he says so. I don't want to do that, and then you have to figure out how to live on in this relationship and learn or I'd rather try and find someone else to dance with.

  Sune Sloth: Miss out if she misses out if she misses out on this.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: It's so context dependent. I would say that it has to be her longing. I would say that when I read the data, I was in a relationship at the time, where I read too much Data was a huge memory, and it awakened a deep longing that was latent in me, and I felt like Either I do this with a man, or I live alone. I knew right away I can't live in the in-between stage, and I knew when I read this that I couldn't do it with the man I was with at the time. So for me it was kind of like this Relationships have to come out, because it's not honest to be in a relationship with him when I'm not present in it, and I can't force him to take that journey with me. I don't have to. I was also terrified that if we couldn't find a man and make the journey down. But that's the way it is. You can't know, so you get some things, and I want to do that. But no, I'm not willing to sacrifice the security of the partner I have.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: We have a friendly relationship, and there are two of us for the rent and two of us for the children. And it's good and lovely and I think the other is beautiful. But it becomes a different life. Or I read about my novel or whatever I do. That's fine too, so there's nothing, there's nothing. Should there be something about it, you have to explore it? It's just something. I think it's about whether you're honest with yourself. What do you want and what do you dare to go for? What is important to you and your soul? And the only one who knows that you and let yourself be inspired and feel when you've done enough and something a little evil. That's what I was hugely inspired by, and it hurt, so I was excluded. I wasn't, and I was never safe. I'll be there. I know what's possible and I know it's possible to open up, but it may not be possible for me to get there. But nevertheless, I had to either try it or direct it. So you have to ask yourself who are you and what do you want.

  Sune Sloth: Also how motivated you yourself have been. For that.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Is the basis.

  Sune Sloth: But we're about to close, and we can see that more people are talking about it and so and listening and welcome to send us comments or in other ways messages on info similar to DK. And visit our website and Line got it yesterday and also yesterday. We have a seminar planned. A lecture where we will go deeper into the relationship, where we will talk about our experiences with this and also that you can ask us how do we do it? Finally, we will go in and try and show some of the techniques and the way we work with magic.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: How you get to spend time.

  Sune Sloth: On that and I know. The last part may not be for everyone, but it's optional. And then I just want to remind you that what we're talking about here is our variant, our journey and. It's perhaps important to say that we take it for what it is in our story, but we're sharing it because we've both benefited enormously from some input we've previously received. And we hoped that if others could get it in at some point, they might enjoy it too. So follow us on Facebook, Instagram and the line effect and listen in.