Podcast E38: Motherhood and Who Should You Have Children With?

This podcast explores the complexities of modern motherhood, focusing on the challenges women face. It delves into the idealization of motherhood, the "dollhouse fantasy," the overwhelming responsibility women often feel, and the importance of choosing a mature and emotionally available partner. The podcast offers advice on recognizing red flags and seeking positive indicators in a potential partner.

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  We discuss topics such as:

  • The glorification of motherhood: Women can become anxious about living up to society's expectations, for example, regarding organic food or judging others.

  • The dollhouse fantasy: Many women have an idea of the perfect family life, which can collapse if reality doesn't match.

  • Responsibility for the children: Women often feel a great responsibility for the well-being of their children, which can lead to over-responsibility and exhaustion.

  • Immaturity in women: There is a tendency pointed out that women can have immature sides in connection with motherhood, for example, by using men as breeding animals or having rigid ideas about how things should be.

  • Choosing a partner: Advice is given to women to choose a man who is emotionally available and willing to take responsibility for both his own and her feelings.

  • Communication in the relationship: It is emphasized that open and honest communication is crucial for a healthy relationship, especially when children arrive.

  The podcast gives a number of tips for women about who they should have children with. The central message is that women should choose a man who is emotionally mature and available, and who is willing to take responsibility for himself, her, and their relationship.  

  The podcast highlights a number of red flags that women should be aware of:

  • Emotionally immature men: These men lack the ability to manage and understand emotions, both their own and others. They may have difficulty communicating openly and honestly, and they may have a tendency to flee from conflicts or react aggressively.  

  • Men who are not interested in the relational: These men prioritize other things in life higher than their relationship and family. They may find it difficult to be present and engaged in family life, and they may have a tendency to withdraw from the emotional.

  • Men who do not take responsibility for their actions: These men find it difficult to acknowledge and take responsibility for their mistakes. They may have a tendency to blame others for their problems, and they may find it difficult to learn from their mistakes.

  • Men who have an unhealthy relationship with sex: These men may find it difficult to communicate openly and honestly about sex, and they may have unrealistic expectations of their sex life. They may have a tendency to push for sex, even if the woman is not in the mood, or they may shut down intimacy if they feel rejected.

  Instead of focusing on red flags, women can look for the following positive indicators in a potential partner:

  • He is interested in the relational and emotional: He prioritizes time with his partner and family, and he shows interest in both her and his own feelings.

  • He is engaged in his own personal development: He is willing to look inward and work on his own weaknesses and areas of immaturity.

  • He is able to communicate openly and honestly: He can talk about both difficult and easy topics, and he is willing to listen to his partner's perspective.

  • He is able to handle conflicts in a healthy way: He can maintain calm and respect for his partner, even when they disagree, and he is willing to find compromises.

  The podcast emphasizes that it is important for women to be honest with themselves and not use a child to save a relationship or fill a void in their life. It is also important to be aware of your own areas of immaturity and work on developing yourself.

• Transcript

  Translated transcript of the original Danish podcast

  Hosts: Mette Miriam Sloth & Sune Sloth

  Sune Sloth: Welcome to the Magdalene Effect podcast episode Thirty-Eight, where today we'll be talking about maturity in motherhood. Yes, you're the focus today, first of all.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Yes, you can also be the one observing it from the outside.

  Sune Sloth: Sitting in a beanbag chair that makes a bit of noise here where we work from home.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Where there are children, when it's quiet, you break one of the children's rooms with the beanbag chair to avoid the sound of another noisy teenager. But that's just the way it is with children. Yes, maturity, that dear maturity. Someone has actually read my books. In relation to the fact that I wrote a lot about that with children, it's actually a very big complaint I have in both my books and also in the last book I wrote about female sexuality unfolding, that it has maturity, it's the crucial thing, and you get a kick in the teeth in terms of maturing. And of course, as with everything else, maturity has its own process. And I think I'm going to talk about that in motherhood that we women have to wake up to, and we will experience some pain in that awakening. As a woman, you will be pinged. So you get your period when you're between 12 and 15 years old. And then you're looking forward to about 50ish. And that its cycle will money you. Of course, some women don't want to have children, but even if you don't want to have children, you're still going to be subject to this cycle, which is both hugely beautiful and painful and obsessive and everything. So we are called to and can carry a child in our belly under our heart very, very early, so that in itself puts something down on us, makes us and forces us to mature, but also forces us to take more responsibility and can also force us to maybe choose to have children because biology pings us.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: And then we attach ourselves to certain forms in the culture, as if that's what you do. So there's actually a bit of a taboo, there are women sitting around who have regretted having children because they find out when the children have arrived. And you can love your child and regret it at the same time. I realise that. The two things can go side by side. And many people say I haven't regretted it. However, I had to live my life again. We probably would have had only one or none or only two or something else. And that's very difficult for women to say out loud. Because when you say it out loud and you look at your three children and say that if I had to live a parallel life here, maybe I would have chosen a life without any children or maybe only chosen to have two or only one. Then you look at two and those children you have. As if they felt it themselves, as if you're killing them. And you can't bear that. And I just want to open up here that what's really important is not trust and children. But we still need to dare to look into the darkness and let things come up.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: So that means that if there is someone who wants to be a part of you. There's something about having children that is so violent and so heavy in responsibility that you have to carry it in your body, and you avoid climate change a lot. It's quite beautiful. That part of the frequency band is there too. I cover that in my books as well, so it's not to neglect that it's there. But we also have to look at what's painful and heavy and difficult in it, because you can push those states away and they disappear into the depths. They don't disappear completely, and then they make noise. One of the things that I think is most problematic in our society right now in relation to motherhood and children, which I have in some way also partly contributed to myself. It was never my intention to contribute to that. And I was in the position where it was very, very difficult. When I wrote about conscious parenting, which I was certified in, because it was interpreted by many as if I stood for something. A form that was glorified over something else. It was the right way to parent. To have this. This thing where we say something really wrong, and then we crowd together and then we condemn someone else. I can see that. It simply didn't work. And then that one.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: I pulled out of that way, and then I thought Now I'm talking so broadly about attachment, and that's what we need to focus on. But it kind of hit the same thing, because then it was the ones from attachment against us. It became a chicken coop, which I found very difficult. How the hell was I supposed to stand in it? And how do you talk about these things? Without being judgemental towards others, without it being interpreted as if you're right. The other guy is not right. And then we women walk together. So we agree that some other women are cracked mums or whatever. So it's just important to say, when we talk about maturity and different degrees of maturity in motherhood, there is not. It's not a personal judgement on it. This is the individual woman who can feel very, very affected when these things are said out loud. We look more at structure and things that unfold in the same way that you don't want to criticise. A child that can only crawl versus the child that can walk is better than. But there is a natural progression, the natural progression and getting to crawl to being able to walk. So more would say it's not a judgement of anyone, but there is a natural progression in maturity. So not everything is equal in the sense that everything is put into perspective. There is a progression in maturity and the fact that we have all the places in us that can mature, such as maturation, the spiral that keeps moving upwards.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Not because something is better than something else, but because it's the natural development of life. Life does not stand still, so it was a little advocacy that this is not a judgement or an exclusion of anything, but it's about inviting you to look into your own Wake up and dare to notice the places where you hold on to some forms that are rigid and therefore do not mature and do not allow life to step through you and perhaps become extremely annoying to yourself, others and your children. In this way, some of the things I find most difficult in culture are that whether you're a career woman, whether you bake spelt buns or whether you're a lawyer, you should be able to. I should be able to eat McDonald's for fuck's sake. No matter where you stand on this. There may well be an overriding glorification of motherhood, which may actually have something to do with it. It's as if motherhood can fill everything in a way where we forget everything else and also become so anxious about everything that has to do with children, like being afraid of my child getting sick or not getting organic spelt buns. Or I'm anxious that someone else will judge me for not giving my child organic spelt buns.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: So. We women can end up in a place where what we're constantly dealing with if we choose to have children. It's all about children. So it can be a good idea to look beyond your navel and see that there is a progression in ensuring that these children thrive in the world again. We mum the settlement, it's true, but we can get lost in this in a way that is linked to a deep anxiety about responsibility that does not benefit either us or the children we bring into the world. And then one of the things that I find most difficult is when we. Disappear into a doll's house. Fantasising about what it means to have children. And having a family, what it means and how much it can collapse in us if we don't think we create that fantasy on the outside, if it doesn't match our image of what it will be. So there are a huge number of things that come out. Strange things come out of Mind's mouth as well, but we'll take paternity for that. But we'll deal with that in another podcast. So right now, I'm thinking: Who became the father? Why does it only have to be mum? There isn't. There's no hugs being handed out. Right now we're shedding light on being a mum and what immaturity traps there can be in it. And yes, it's a tough nut to crack. It's a hard pill to swallow, but there are a lot of them, and it's pretty important if you actually want to live a wonderful life and have wonderful relationships with yourself and with your kids, and as they grow up and can see them as beings that are separate from you and enjoy them doing something different from you, then it's super important that you dare to look down these holes, and then you keep holding on to the fantasy of how it should be and be together as a family.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: And then those creatures in that family, both your partner or ex-partner and your children. They may not always behave in the way you think they should. Being an oxytocin creature and being with these creatures should be nice, and it's not at all certain that they behave that way. And if you keep holding on to that, you can become quite unbearable to be around. As if you can put this family life on some kind of strange pedestal that anyone can stand. I'm just saying this is experience, and I know it's something that hurts women tremendously. So I just want to encourage you to dare to look at this in you and let some of this collapse in you. That there are so many illusions about what family life should contribute to and what it should contain.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: So it can. For example, I want to talk about some of the things that come out of women's mouths, which, excuse me, is called arse. The evolutionary pressure to have more children. It can come across as if it's much better to have siblings, because then they can be there for each other, and then they also have siblings. They can learn from each other, and that's huge, so there can be stones that can be contagious. So now they have a circle of friends. Now someone has had a third child, should I too? Third child And there are just a lot of women standing here. Not necessarily looking at having the financial surplus to have more children. How is my relationship? Am I in a situation where our relationship can handle it? Does my partner even want to have more children? Have I asked him, or do I scratch his eyes out if he doesn't want to because it's my, my impulse? I can't be happy if I don't have another child that I can sling in a completely different way or go home with or not go home with. Or whatever. So there's something about looking at the impulse to bring children into the world. And this is not to say that if you've had 5 children that it's wrong. There's no judgement as long as you do it consciously, but there are still things that are involved.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Children are always a gift. It's a lot to put on this child's shoulder, because this child should not be a gift to you. The child is a being in its own right with its own soul, its own pulse. So you are actually taking on you. You're actually taking on you by bringing down a soul that incarnates and supporting it. This soul at rest, I will strain you to see. What is this person, this being? What does this being need that will be something very different from what you need? Because it's a completely different being than you, a completely different being than you. Because what we have, what is on earth, is diversity. There is no need for things that are similar. It's the diversity that now needs to flourish. So if you hold on to it too tightly in terms of getting some desired feeling of what your inner image was of what it should be like to be her family. Like inside. A lot of women look very idyllic, like a lot of women's dream of this wedding. Because many women care more about what their wedding day is like than what their everyday life in a relationship is like. And it's also a place where we can mature, and you want a huge wedding at that. Go for it. There's no judgement on it. It's just that wedding it. How your wedding day is determines how your relationship is and how your daily life is.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: It's constantly becoming more and more conscious in the individual now about everything that goes on between you. So we may well have some societal structures and norms out there that indicate that it's something external. It's the house, it's the utility room, it is. If I just had a bigger place, we'd get on better together, and it would be easier with the kids if they just had their own room. If I could have a third one, and if I had a bigger freezer, because then I would be less stressed if I could freeze something. As women, we have a lot of strange things that come out of our mouths in the hope that if we just get that done, or that wall over there gets a different colour, I can feel that my system becomes a little less stressed, becomes so much happier and everything becomes much more pleasant. Then we don't have conflicts at dinner, there's dimmed lighting or something. So we desperately seek something on the outside so that we can feel fulfilled on the inside and have to say that yes, it's for children is also an attempt to fulfil our inner fantasy image of how our life should be. Then there is the possibility that we use children, that we actually bring children into the world and unconsciously use them to take care of them and to create some kind of idyll with them.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Now I'm sitting here with yoga, arms and one side and the other saying no, I'm kissing my little brother and my husband is looking adorably at us and thinking it's all wonderfully beautiful. Yes, it's definitely an opportunity for us to use children to try and fulfil an immature fantasy. And that's exactly what you're thinking and God, I know what that's like. And you cringe in shame and everything else. A life that unfolds. What happens is that we have a fantasy and we have an intention, which is often a fantasy. Then we start going for it, and it shoots well. And then we find out God man, there was a lot more to this than I thought. It's very difficult and it's very hard. And then we start to mature and it's healthy and good, so you shouldn't. It's not a judgement of anyone. It's just the way it is. So it doesn't matter, we also have our fantasies around. When you fall in love, your imagination about who that person is and how you try to convince the other person that you are. It also brought us together very quickly. That's just the way it is. The question is Can you stand it when the shit hits the fan? Can you stand it? When you have this baby and you've been dreaming of giving birth? The baby keeps screaming that you're fighting with your partner and you don't think he's pulling his weight, and you think it's all bullshit, and it fills you with anxiety.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: You can't sleep and you get mastitis and everything. It's all rubbish. Can you stand it and still get back to a life where you thrive and open up? That's basically it. Or do you go into a fantasy that if you just get a sibling and a dog, you'll be much better, only to find out that those two kids there. In Denmark, you typically have children in quick succession. You know what I mean. You typically have two children who are under 6 years old, and they slaughter each other, and then you have a dog, a puppy. They learn to be good with animals. Then a dog comes along and bites them too, and they slaughter it. And it's such a fucking mess. So I've counselled a lot of people where they. What should I do? What I'm asking The two under 6 just know it's going to be hell until they're both over 6, then kill each other. So why not kill each other? And for God's sake, don't bring any more living creatures into that home. It's as if we women can believe that the more living little creatures we bring in, the happier we will be and the more wonderful it will be.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: And they don't. There are more people shitting in the corner. And that's not to say that it can't be wonderful that she can't have children. But we've reached a point where the absurdities we try to tell ourselves as women and I can start to see women themselves aren't really buying it. It's such a twentieth. But it's also the case that if we have a third child, they almost raise each other in the pack. No, they don't do that. Does it hurt? It doesn't hurt at all. It never has and it never will. Maybe you did it a hundred years ago when mum just locked the door and went to work and hoped the kids would be alive when she got home. Then they were forced to do that. It's not like that today. These kids don't raise each other. They hit each other because kids come in with different personalities, so some are extremely loud, the other introverted and then each other. It's fucking madness. So right there, there's an opportunity for them to learn to be considerate of each other. But only if the parents have the energy to take care of children and constantly show them the way. If they don't have the energy, then it's a fucking no. And then you're all killing each other. Another thing that's very important to be aware of in this time we live in is that the children who come in, and this is my own observation.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: So you, which is all I'm saying, you can take it and throw hell at it and use it and not switch it off. It's entirely up to you. This is my observation about the children coming in, as it is right now, is that they have far more soul contact. They have access to much higher consciousness much earlier. There are souls coming in who haven't had a lot of clients, who don't have a lot of experience with the earth, with being on the earth. So you can get children coming in who need help in a different way so they can. They are basically in some ways much stronger and more connected to their cosmic overtone, if you like. But they may well seem in terms of living here on earth and being completely fruit, so that means they need more help. So what they have now, they get an extra child that can be there with them to complete it. Just like I have a vase that completes the living room, so having a child for that kind of completes the group. That's just the way it should be. Children shouldn't carry a bird or anything for you, so my encouragement would really be when you think it was so dangerous, that said that you know. If you're going to consider having a child, sit down for a year and meditate on it before you have the answer to whether you should have it.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: And then she laughs and says she didn't do that. She should have done that, and I actually agree with her. Well, not completely literally. It's something you have to go out and mess with. Be sure that it's also a company, and it's not just you who is born pregnant with biology and hooked up to a fantasy that on Instagram you see the cute family and those five cute kids in something like organic cotton, I want that too, so there is an impulse in an immature, stubborn woman that we all have. Is there something where you think I want that too. I want that living room. I want that carport, I want that, and we can also take that and turn it into I want that with children. And dream about when we're going to hold a confirmation for them and everything else. Those kids don't mind, they don't want to be confirmed. It's ridiculous. Or we'll have a Christmas with a big Christmas tree, just in butcher's trees. What the fuck are you doing? I can do that. I would say, the more the stronger fantasies you have about what it's like to be a mum and how your kids should act. Fill in this fantasy. The more push back it would give you on that, the more hurt and frustrated you'd be that you'd have to sit down and zero in on some beads with your child and then crawl over the wall.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Or you can't wait to get out and do some wild adventures with your child and your child, who is super introverted, is not going anywhere near anything you want. You want to face the contrasts and it's basically too few to wake up in. Your child should be nothing to you in You can create something together, but you can't. You can't. You can't pat a child. It's like that. It's outgrowing as a species. And it's in the consciousness that it can't. It's tough to support children. Here. See how a long rant about. The call and you could say is a bit tough. Yes, it is. Hours of clean. Now the radio is somewhat switched off and I am pure and I say this with deep love and compassion. And I also say this to myself, I've been on this journey myself. Are you sweaty? Where have I been? Were there many impossibilities that have collapsed? And how disgusting it has been to look into my own immaturity about it, about my own, about my desire to mate with my son's father, things that don't work out with the one. One person's pedestal has just collapsed after the other. It's like having teeth pulled out all the time.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: It's not nice, but I still invite you to dare to let it collapse, and you can feel it the more it tightens in you. The more perfidious you become, the more anxious and confused you are. You are being held down and it has to be a certain way. The more you lump yourself together with some specific people around some theme and have hugely strong aversion to another group, you want natural things you think are fatter, not fat. But if it's like others doing something else becomes very threatening to you. So be aware that consciousness wants to be born wider through you. Wanting there to be something that wants to grow you to be more nuanced on this. And it's not dangerous to be immature. It's natural. We can't avoid it, the hard stuff, but we can do everything in our power to try to avoid feeling it in ourselves. And if you do that, you are that, your life becomes really, really, really, really, really, really hard. And it's going to be really, really, really, really, really, really, really hard and it's going to be really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really hard. It's not fun. When my son was little, I got beat up so much. I was beaten up so much and I didn't understand a damn thing. So I've been through a lot myself. So it's said to us women, because we bear the main responsibility for the children of men.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: But we can. We can have children very, very early. It's as if we take on a lot here, so we have a big task ahead of us in terms of waking us up. We realise that there is a lot between the sexes, but also that we don't use these men as breeding animals. We need to wake up to that too. You only want to fuck your husband when you're ovulating, and otherwise you don't actually want to touch him at all. And if he says that to you. I really only feel that you only want me in relation to having a child, and you don't want me otherwise. And you say no, that's not right at all, and I'm starting to want to want to want you. But you know perfectly well that you need to have a child, and it's easier to stay together. To get God to find someone else, you need to look it up. Because yes, we women can use men as breeding stock. And no, it's not okay, so we need to bring that home too. That was my rant. Should we listen to this man who has also met women in this? Are there any themes about women's immaturity in relation to motherhood that you'd like to reflect on and dive into, as you think? It's fucking weird. What is it all about?

  Sune Sloth: So these? I don't want to make myself smart about women, but I've been wondering. That these ideas about how things should be vary from group to group, from woman to woman. I mean that one woman. If we had a gold-coloured curtain, that would be fantastic. Or if we did a garden project, it would be much better all round. Or if we had this extra child, then something magical would happen.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: If we celebrate Christmas at three o'clock instead of six o'clock when we eat, then there's no trouble.

  Sune Sloth: Well, now I've seen how the Christmas theme changed from wife to wife. What's been interesting has been that they've been absolutely sure that you had to be this way or that way. I can look at it. My sisters and my mum and that one. There should be pickled apples. That one has to be. It has to be made a certain way, then it's really the third one. That one has to go with it. There has to be this homemade red cabbage, and I know it's a few little things, but if you have to learn it, that's how it is. One woman If we lived like this, it would be fantastic. And you can stand there as a man and be like that. You can tell from her that saying something against her or just standing by your opinion. That you shouldn't do any more projects, that she's about to explode, that things are falling apart around her ears. If you. If you don't agree to this project. And you can get to a place where you stand in your own development as a man and say I'm not going to have any more children and then be faced with an immature woman who says. You have no right to say that, because I want to have a child, so I will. You can't allow yourself to deny me a child and then almost jeopardise the relationship.

  Sune Sloth: But there is an equality here and there, you have to ask yourself, shouldn't it be a yes, not just a yes for both parties, but the fact that you want to bring a child into the world, because there is a great responsibility that every single creature you put in creates a new dynamic. So what has surprised me is that these women, both friends and social circles, always have projects that would somehow make things better. It's as if our men have. It's very crude, because it can easily be women, but men have this. If I got this job, or if I got this car, or if I climbed the next mountain peak, it would be different. But it's like it doesn't make any difference. Once they've got it, there's just something else. So there's something about slowing down and then being in it. Yes, do you have any? Based on what you said earlier. Let's start with those who are at one end of the tunnel, if you like, who haven't had children and are perhaps thinking about it and feeling the impulse. Do you have any advice for them? Hands on. What do they do?

  Mette Miriam Sloth: When you feel the impulse? It can actually be very, very beautiful. It can be very beautiful to feel the impulse to have a child. And it can also be extremely painful, because you might not have a partner to have it with. So there you go. If you don't have a partner, then it's worth considering having a child yourself. And it can also be a beautiful and it can also be quite an equatorial treasure. It can be anything. There isn't. There aren't any roads here where there's someone who shouldn't be the judge of either. You shouldn't do that. There are many beautiful ways to bring children into the world, so that's really my advice is to do it as consciously as possible. It's really about relating to relate to your body reacting. Relate to that Okay, right now I want. I want to have a baby. And for some, that can be. That is, my body can't take it anymore, and I know that I know I'm getting on in years and or I feel it as a soul selling impulse, so there's actually something about relating to what? What is it that you want with this child? I mean, what is the impulse that's going through you? And of course, it depends on where you are on your own development path.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: But you can't work out in advance what it's like to have a child if you haven't had children with children before so you're blissfully naive? It's also that. It's everything that's implicit in it. You can't know where. How crazy it is to bring children into the world. So what I would actually recommend to anyone facing a child, it's actually okay. Where do I stand in relation to my partner? Are we in any way trying to save our relationship by having a child? Are we bored? And then the next thing is that now it's the next natural thing. Now we've you know, we've been on and we've travelled to Australia and we've also bought the cottage and we've got married. You know, and we've rebuilt that house. What the hell are we going to do now? Then we'll have a kid. That's the starting point if that happens. Sure, but believe me, there's a reason why many divorces are in your child's first five years of life, and that's because it's so crazy fucking hard. You realise that if you don't have a foundation where you can communicate and land things. If it comes, your head will explode. Some make it through. Many don't. And that's just to say that if you choose to split up, we have to share with each other as parents.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: So it would be a really, really good idea to make sure that. In fact, I would go so far as to say that this is one of the things that is my own journey through life, because it. I didn't ask myself that question. But with my first in my first marriage. And it's also possible that if I had asked myself, I was sure we could paint it. Today I can look back and realise that I'm much more gentle with my younger self. But questions you can ask yourself, can this partner facing me? It's actually both women and men. What will it be like to get divorced and have to split up and have a child? And things like that Can we work it out? Can I work it out? Where do I hit things in my maturity? Will he or she be able to work it out? And then I would actually go as far as to say that it can actually be a really good idea. Not because you go in and create it. Preparing you for the fact that I'm going to have a baby and then we won't bother each other. It's actually more about How the hell will we work together with this partner if we get divorced, or if we break up and we have to make a visitation arrangement and everything else? And in your greatest love gift to a partner, you should actually look at yourself and realise this.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Phew, I can feel that if that happens, I'll become a mean fucking bitch because I want every Christmas. And it's my child and I'm entitled. So there may be some inherited crap in the woman that she is more than he is, so she could bang her head into it. That's when we can become unbearable. I mean completely horrible. I mean... It's like a train is taking us and we become super disgusting. So I really want to take that one. I'll just take the upside down one. It's just because you carry the child, the child is no longer yours, nor is it his. The child is its own, so there's actually something to use this for. Say how will we handle such a thing and then actually see what brings it up? Where will you feel that you will be super super tight or where would you collapse completely. In the cut we have one, since it's my baby. I don't like my baby. Do you want to look at it? It will actually point to yours. There's nothing wrong with that happening, because there are many of those attachments to children, and there are all sorts of unfortunate ones with our own family down.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: But by recognising, daring and feeling those places. That's what it can do. I wouldn't be able to stand that, and that's when I become a really strict aunt who keeps pushing him, pushing him, pushing until I get him to give up because I'm verbally superior, and then I get what I want. Know what a fucking bitch you are and deal with it and what he has to do if he does the same. So no matter what happens between the two of you, you'll be the coolest parents ever. If you don't deal with it on an ongoing basis, and then when you have a child, something will be awakened in you that you didn't realise was there. But because you dared to look into it before you became parents, you will be better able to go in. Okay, there was a different level of service down there. I was aware of that too. There was another level of darkness. Holy shit, that's a sight to behold. If you can handle it and deal with it and stand there when you get overwhelmed by something and take, of course it's fucking badass parenting Whether you choose to open up with others or get divorced or stay together or move into cohabitation, choose whatever you want to experiment with, are different family structures for me.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: That's basically what that is. That's what it is. That's what makes things end in high conflict in the state office. That's why people who are divorced can't stand just being around their ex. It's what makes you worry for years about your children because you disagree on how to take care of this child and you can't work it out. And because there's so much that the past that breaks through and just fucks things up that are hard to deal with. So it's definitely something about actually daring to ask questions. And if you. If your answer is I just want a child because everyone else has one. Well then, it's fine what you're doing, but that's the least you can do. You're not trying to turn it into something else. And if this child comes along and says I don't want to be someone who runs around with a bow on and has to be polite to grandma. I don't fucking bother. Then you just have to say okay, the child wants something different from what I wanted, then you should go into it.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: So it's more about not keeping our imagination too tight and allowing it to unfold along the way. And this child will do that. It will happen, so we have to dare to transform and change as the child comes along. If you have more children, it's the same. And if you choose to have a child on your own, you basically have you. Because I can see those who choose to have children alone. It can. The framework that's the hardest is. If they have chosen to have children alone because they basically distrust other people, have difficulty in relationships and don't have much of a family themselves, because they can't really stand them either. There can be a huge sadness in the fact that now I get to have it. They can wake up. I am God. I had a child because I wanted to stay, love someone unconditionally and be loved unconditionally. And that thing is your own child, it will. It will kind of save me from that for the rest of my life, because the other stuff has been lonely and difficult. But it doesn't work like that because children. One of the reasons why we unconsciously have children is because we seek to be loved unconditionally.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: We can't figure it out ourselves, but it's the other way round. We're the ones who have to love these kids unconditionally, and then we have to be able to love ourselves unconditionally. So the fact that we're going to use them as something we have to take care of in order to feel unconditionally loved is something we also have to wake up from. And this applies whether you have children on your own or in a relationship, because some people have children with someone they don't want to be with, someone they don't think they should be with. They stay. They get divorced at some point. We'll have children before we do. Then I have someone in my life that I can love forever and that I will always be loved by. It's true that many children choose their parents back, and many parents don't know how to love their children. So there's a big shadow side to this. It's mutual assumptions called the rumour that we long to feel loved unconditionally. But that's just not the same as it happening that way. We had a fantasy about it on. So that? I would actually say that the deepest gift of having children is that it will force you to look at all the places in you that are anxious or fearful or fragile. And that's where we have the opportunity to take care of that so that we actually get to a powerful place where we can give our love and support to the extent that the child needs, and see the child and set the child free to live the life that he or she wants to live because it's love.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: In many ways, love and freedom are connected. So there are many considerations in this. Is there any consideration before you choose to become parents? But are there any considerations along the way where you will meet the edge of your own fantasies? And here it's really about whether you dare to see it for what it was. It was a fantasy I've crammed down this child's throat. This partner, this, this room or flat we live in. And whether you dare to wake up to it and maybe do something different and realise that it's actually good. We women I have my own places and have fewer of them, I think I answer whether you experience right. But we all have that place that if it has to be turkey and not duck, or it has to be that colour on the wall or I have to have you know, a tall cabinet that stands straight. Be aware of where you get super pointed and bitchy, that things have to be that way, because that's exactly the place where you get super angry.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: To dare to feel into it. Sometimes you get super shy because you feel betrayed and abandoned and there are many things in that. It's great. And sometimes you get because you feel overloaded, taken over responsibility in terms of motherhood and home. So whatever. And sometimes you just get upset because you get upset because you have things your own way and deeply immature. So you have to be brave and dive into it when you get upset and figure out what's what. And if you find out because you're feeling alone and abandoned or you're in over your head, then you need help. Then you can communicate your vulnerability to your partner. Are you shy and pointy because you're only 6 years old in a 50-year-old body? Then it's time to come back to your partner with a little laughter in a silly way. Dylan there Dylan, grabbing me here. I'll see if I can do something about that. Can you just give me a break? Can't you just tell me when I'm becoming insufferable? I'll take care of it. I think that's my best bet. You must have some of those too. Where do I keep them? Where do I have it? I can afford it. I mean, I've cleaned it out myself. But there must be some places where I get really annoying.

  Sune Sloth: Right? And now I've tried models there. They have this, and it's completely normal. I was very surprised that you take care of them. So it's possible to sort it out. But that doesn't mean that there aren't things that could. You know, that could make it nicer or make it safer. Or do you meet well? But you manage, and you manage to approach things in a way where you don't attack me or are concrete-like. But it also requires trust on the other side that you will be met. Because you've also tried the opposite, Jo. So how do you do it? How do you experience it?

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Well, it is, and that is to say that I actually have. Well, I experienced in my first marriage, so I have to say that there are definitely places where the marriage went wrong, and there were some places where I thought I took over responsibility, and I couldn't communicate it, and I had probably entered into some dynamics here, where I have given and given and given, and it has accustomed me to if and try to settle, then it can't be done. It has become a prison for me. Then I can see the beginning of the relationship. That marriage was actually my first long term relationship for about a year. One and a half, then I left, so I was also a bit inexperienced in that. And I can see that whatever dynamics I was exposed to and woke up to, he was like. He also experienced a lot of my immaturity. Things I remember in that are just some he was screaming about something mysterious and I'm just observing myself from the outside. And why is it that I'm getting pointed about this? I think I've experienced some of these things that come through a woman when she's in a long-term relationship with the desire to become a mother and have children. So I had my own version of that, as I remember it. He's not supposed to. He's not supposed to.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: I could also see that I sometimes got so angry that I got him to a place where he apologised for something that was my own. To think like that. It was fucking weird. But we ended up there, so I kind of realised the aspects things can. I don't like those aspects, I don't like that. It feels. There's something in the woman that I think is a possible survival impulse to use her verbal superiority to manipulate him to a place where she can avoid responsibility. I recognised those aspects and I started working on that. I'm glad you said that. I'm actually very conscious of getting it out. I liked that. It was cool. Having said that, I want to say what I didn't manage to do, which I've always done, and which I did in my 12-year marriage, because from the time I became a mum, and then I had. And then we had a son who didn't sleep and who someone who has read any of my books. I could clearly read in them that he had a wonderful and a crazy mouth, right? And I had to find out so many things that came up so much. I grew up in a family where there was a huge emotional weight. So all in all, you're exposed to emotional neglect basically just having two parents who haven't developed their own emotional register and don't use it, so they're not actually really there.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Neither of them were able to bond with a child, so I was left very much to myself, and I'm a very emotional being, so that meant that I was very quickly aware of other people's need to take care of them, because the only way to go was to press. So you could say that much, that came up as well. And then I was sent to hospital as a very young baby right after birth for a total of 17 or 18 days and I hadn't had that first body contact and I never really liked being close to my mum. I remember sitting on my dad's lap until my teens. Then it stopped. Ever so tired of never touching me since. I think he had no idea what to do with a teenage girl. It was very obvious. Then, then, then, then, then, then the very physical contact I had with my own son. A cascade of deep, deep wounds where it now physically hurts me to be together. But I felt like I shouldn't repeat what I myself had been exposed to. But good night and sleep well. All the things I've had could lie there and scream for months. And of course they've also been deeply distressed and those who have been, they don't have to put up with it, those parents and my parents and have been advised to just leave me alone, because that's what they did back in the early 80s.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: So you could say there were many things I went through that were more difficult than it might be. A huge number of things that were about my own journey. And of course it was also difficult for my ex-husband, because it was mine. There was nothing to do with him, and he It seemed like dealing with a young child seemed to be easier for him than maybe dealing with a teenager. I think the freedom-seeking aspect, so maybe for his travelling, it's because he had a bit of a clash with his mother and he got a lot of love from his grandmother as an infant. So I think now that my son is getting older, I've kind of chewed through some of the things that were really hard for me. So I think we can be a bit of a contradiction there. Then you see in some ways the dynamics that are running, that are running amok and also making our relationship or our marriage not last. Or contributing to it not lasting either. But I was a shadow of myself for many years because it was very, very deep things that came up. When there was I am the mum.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: And then you can say that and meet husband number two. That's marriage number two. Because that's what I can see. I couldn't. I couldn't go deeper in the relationship I was in because we had some deep dynamics that were so cemented, so I can. There were a lot of things I could clean up myself, but it was like the openings that came from me cleaning up some things. That's when I start to realise that I don't think he cleans up his and I the impulse I thought we had the same impulse to take care of each other. That's when I experience it as my experience of him. My experience is that he talks more about doing something about things and tries to do something. But it's as if the trying stops. It's as if he's trying to do something with something, and then just like that, it falls out. So it's not a lasting change where what I was working on was too simple. I'm paying for some of the grief and all that, that. It stuck as a lasting change. The one I didn't nail, that was, and I took that. I turned that inwards. It's me, you that's broken here. I couldn't let that happen. Which is really why I came to the conclusion that I wasn't going to be, so I wasn't going to be in a relationship again. It was that I couldn't.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: I couldn't enjoy being together as a family. I had periods where it was less uncomfortable, but it was actually consistently uncomfortable for me. I realised that when I was alone, and I longed to try to be alone with my son to find out how it works if we can't work out these dynamics between us as a family or as a couple. Then I have to try to figure out what it's like when I'm alone with my son half the time, maybe I have more energy to figure out how to reconcile mum here and actually come to like it and therefore actually meet you and find out about God? It's actually possible to make a daily life that I enjoy because I never achieved that with my ex-husband and I can see some of that. Of course it was my own, but some of it was also about some of his unconscious and what he wanted me to contribute to and that I took on, which was actually his. And that really made me feel like a hunted animal that had no room to be anywhere as who I was. I constantly felt wrong. A pattern I had from childhood too, where I was not easily neglected to the degree I was. I had a deep sense of feeling wrong, but I didn't do that with you.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: I just thought that feeling wrong is just my theme, so I obviously haven't nailed it, so I just have to live with that for the rest of my life. I project that into all my relationships, so I create it myself. So this is my story in marriage. There was probably something wrong with me all the way through, but I can just see that when I was overwhelmed by everyday life, or I got tired or had menstruation or couldn't be bothered to go on a trip because I just needed to be alone without anyone pulling at me. And you never once looked at me and said I was wrong. Or that's when you thought it was weird. And that made it easier, the more I get to breathe and get in, can I really be tired today? Can you take them? Can you take the kids or can we do something? Because can I just go for a walk and just. Yeah, unless you do it yourself. Even if you were drained and worn out, we still figured it out. Then we kind of divided things up and can be surplus to how. How do we take care of this? So not even when you yourself have been affected by pain or process or been drained by overstimulated once? That's when you're annoyed that you think I should be something more, and I've never experienced that with a single person before.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: That there was room for it or could just be without being wrong. So it made it much easier to start looking into some deeper layers of this lying thing. We talk about in the last podcast. For those of you who haven't heard it, you can go back and listen to it if you want. But I promise you, there's lying down. There's a bit of a concrete block of responsibility around family life. It's the sum of all the unresolved things in the family structure that I have in my system. Carried it without it being my own. Yes, there were layers from my own childhood or something much, much deeper than that. And it's as if it's been possible for it to come up, and it's been extremely uncomfortable. But it has been possible to come up, and it was possible to work with it, to be helped to work with it. And right now. I hardly dare to say it out loud that it's now declared. Now I feel much lighter, and it's as if something has let go of the weight around the theme that has let go. And it feels. It feels huge. It feels enormously free.

  Sune Sloth: Yes, so the theme is motherhood. So how do we bring it back to that? How do we do that? How does it affect your perception of being a mum?

  Mette Miriam Sloth: But I think this is actually very much what I've just described. Because for one thing, it's my personal journey in it. If that's what it is. But I saw a lot of women and mums recognise this, because what you were talking about was How was it different? And then because you kind of say I asked them Do I have my weird places where I was asked to go down? There weren't any. And then you say it has. What have you contributed as a partner to make it easier to work with? And we got so far around the whole childhood and all that first marriage stuff. But some of it is basically this. That you don't do me wrong. And both women and men need that, that you won't be done wrong by the other person. So there's something about unfolding this and recognising your own places that are unfashionable in you. Or just places where you are hurt and overwhelmed. Traumatised, which can come out as if they are immature places. It's basically just because you're protecting yourself. There's something about the other person being able to give you space for this.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: And I think that's basically what a lot of women crave and mums dream about with a partner and miss. When I freak out, he can sometimes freak out and want him to be there for you. But taking responsibility doesn't work, it destroys him. But when I freak out, you can give me the space to do that and see me for who I am. And then tomorrow she can be called Lion. I'll take care of it, but because there's something about being seen and being met there in motherhood, and that's also why if you have children on your own, I would really encourage you to make sure you have a network. To have people that are included in your life and with your child. Because we are not living in a vacuum. It's very hard to take care of these places if we don't have someone to play ball against, who we can also get into almost frictional conflict between, who things can also land with again. In order to realise this, you have to play the game, you could say.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: But if it's played out in a sentence with someone else, as if we're constantly going at each other and there's something wrong with either me or the other person, which a lot of people experience, then it's as if it maintains these places of immaturity. And I think that's one of the hardest and most difficult things about being a mum. One of the places where you can entrench yourself deeply. Because you will have an eternal hunger for you in all your wounded immaturity to be seen and met. And it's beautiful if he can do that. But there's also something about if you just constantly hunger to lean into him to recharge, you can get stuck. And some of these patterns and not being able to stand when he asks you to say that you have to take responsibility for this too. There are some of these things you have to take responsibility for yourself. And that's what I'm thinking, do you have any experience with that? How do you do it? How do you do it? But I came to support, unfortunately, I can come to misunderstood consideration and support her immaturity and thus maintain it.

  Sune Sloth: Yes, you've done it yourself, and I was wondering if I should formulate that I've been exploited or let myself be exploited, because it's difficult to take a stand when there's no awareness of it. I have certainly learnt that a man who works on being emotionally available, talking about his feelings, talking about his needs, but also being open to listening to another person's feelings and needs and taking them into account. Very easily exploited, because if you don't find a place where you can resist when there is immaturity and speak up. And she would rather not see those places or want to see those places. Let's say she comes home from work and has a third boss where there are conflicts, and you've gotten used to listening, and you can feel it in her that you can see she's unhappy and upset, and there are no bells ringing in you and you don't even think about what her own responsibility is. When will she mature in that? You think just having an emotional connection, understanding each other and feeling each other's feelings and thinking about each other's needs and being present is enough. But it's actually not. It's actually not enough. She actually has to be too, and that's where you make your contribution.

  Sune Sloth: The reason why it's possible. Is that. You continuously take responsibility for what comes up in you, but also that you're willing to slap me if I'm immature or unconscious, and that I've found the courage and strength to do the same. You can do that too. I'm sure you can. But I'm also in sharp training with one. In the background, constantly pushing my limits, being unreasonable and behaving like a 6-year-old. Pretty much every consideration and where there is a child involved. And then it's not really about me. But then it's about protecting the child from immaturity, so that child can actually grow up and find out who they are. And it's about choosing me on or off. It's not about me having the right to see the child. It's not about the other person having the right to see what it's actually like. Like you said before, that the child is actually figuring out who they are and what time it is. And it's not. It's not A or B to see another being. So to stand and be pawned now for the second time for the full hammer of immaturity and unfairness. And seeing it happen to a child.

  Speaker3: Us.

  Sune Sloth: Or a child and being hit. It has hardened me to be able to embrace the whole spectrum of being extremely tough without being an arsehole, without saying something nasty or calling someone something. And just stand firm and say It's not okay, but that's where you can wish for an emotionally available man in that way, who is also available in relation to when there is a need for connection. And thus we can say that this is a foundation for being able to develop this. And it is. Coming back to children and motherhood, it's the environment that children grow up in. And that's what they absorb of what a relationship, what family life can be like. So at the end of the day, is there any advice you can give to women in terms of choosing a husband in relation to these things? Mette Miriam Sloth: Yes.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Actually. You want a man who.

  Sune Sloth: I'm thinking in relation to Now I have someone I'm going to have a child or another child. Give me some red five red flags. To start with.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: And that's it. Did you know that? If you are. The man who is hugely charismatic, but is always just wanting and working, is emotionally immature, and you think. He's maturing by becoming a father.

  Sune Sloth: Emotional, immature, emotional, immature and just extinct.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: That is, it's something like he can't, he doesn't bother, he doesn't bother to relate to your feelings. He just thinks that every time you have something you need to talk to him about, it's nonsense. He does. He can't talk to his own feelings. You don't want to spend time on that. He might be furious if he gets angry and grumpy very quickly without him dealing with it. It can come out in many ways. It could also just be that he becomes passive aggressive and he basically has no interest in his own feelings or yours. So he doesn't care and basically just leaves when there's something around that we have to deal with emotionally. Women can do that. I've seen it before. It just seems like it gets better when he becomes a dad. Otherwise, it would be something you should look at, when you choose to have children, then we should look at the conflicts we have now potentially become bigger and explode more in your head when the child comes, because the disagreements become bigger. So there's actually something about that which is the red light. That's if you have one of those. We can never stop arguing. It's just something like, we argue, and then we go our separate ways, and then we're mad at each other for a few days, and then there's so and so, and then it lands, because then it drifts a bit, or we argue next time.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: That's if there's zero capacity to land something, so therefore children. It will always be a tremendous strain. It's not the children that are a burden, but it's because they can actually get out of that thing. So if you're with a man who doesn't actually have any emotional competence or conflict management competence where emotions are included, like we ensure emotional safety. On the other hand, both parties. We reach each other on the other side and he understands it and appreciates it and knows it's important also for himself. So you're in the snowman baby squad? Then there's the other one. You can also have children with a man who is so afraid of losing the relationship and who finds it difficult to say no because he grew up in a culture where anger, but that he himself is also afraid of, which is the opposite, because the man has been very aggressive in the past and to some extent still can be in relation to violence against women. So if he consistently can't say no to you and collapses, then at some point you won't have sex with him, and that can take all sorts of other forms.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: So women can believe that you know I need someone, a man, who you know always understands me and always goes with me and is always responsive and always takes my needs into account and stuff like that. The problem is that it can make you extremely immature to go round and round in circles, and you can. You won't be a very cool version of yourself, so I want that too. Wouldn't you? If you have something in you that means you can never handle a man's anger. You can never handle it if he disagrees with you. You can never handle it if he sometimes. Puts you in your place. Let's say you get to a place where you become completely insufferable and unreasonable and he actually says. Where he actually says that you can forget about it. Or our relationship ends right here. You have to work on that. If you can't handle it. You have to do it to him, but you can't handle it the other way round. Then you have to look at yourself. Then you have to take care of yourself. You want to have a man who actually stands up, because that man will also stand up to your children.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: He will stand up to family members if he can't do it to you. You can't stand the fact that you hack him down. You can't stand up, because others can't stand up for themselves. So you want to feel uncomfortable when you're there? It's not nice to be hooked up to all your shit. But if you are. But you have to want a man who felt the same way. You have to dare to say it to him, because we'll fall in Shit, it doesn't matter. You also want a man who isn't afraid that when you come back and say I can see that I've behaved horribly. You're sorry, I'll take care of it. That he'll say okay, it's okay that we end up there and you'll find each other on the other side. And you have to, and you have to be able to. So when you don't become a stone in your shoe that holds a grudge, if you hold a grudge. You have to take care of that. It's one of the most destructive things in relationships. There really is something about if you start holding a grudge because there's a lack of accountability, you have to be prepared to leave the relationship to make sure you don't become a person who holds grudges.

  Sune Sloth: Are there several red flags we should be aware of here? You choose to have a child or several children.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: You have to be aware of whoever is with you when. Now it's the eleventh hour and everyone else is having children. And then I've met several people who just have both of them. Granted, we weren't going to have kids. We had children because we hadn't found anyone else, and now we have, and we might as well have them, and then love will probably arise, and then the partnership will arise, and then you'll be good parents together. It's as if there's something in human nature that if you've used another person or let yourself be used to live out a fantasy of family. It's as if it just doesn't add up, and it's as if it catches up with you. So if you haven't had the courage to say it out loud at first, it's almost better to say that you're almost entering into a contract with someone you know is there. We know it can be when you're a man and you're dating Ole, who is also a man and can't have children. I'm standing here Nanna and you know I'm up. I have one, and I'd like to have children, but I don't have one. I don't have a relationship, don't believe in it or want to. I want to explore motherhood in a different way. Actually just with a lot more purity and say It can also be hard to make it work. Make sure you have some effective counsellors on and see if you can land things. It's actually the same thing can be another thing. It's also difficult. Not that it's any less difficult when you have a contract, but at least it's more honest rather than pretending to be something. And we do this in love. And it's actually a bit daring to say out loud that no, we're not doing it for love. We're basically doing it because we're running out of time. And these kids, we want to try something too.

  Sune Sloth: But can't you say that it's in the man's mind that he probably doesn't even say it, but he's aware that there's a contract that they also have a sex life here. So what you're agreeing to with a man by doing this is actually that you're going to have sex with him for the next 18 years. Or at least have a different kind of intimacy. Or to decide that if you don't want to do that, then you should. Then you should let him go or leave him alone. In other ways, that is.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: It is.

  Sune Sloth: The one that lies. It's as if women don't realise that there's a contract in the man that the sexual needs he has are part of the equation in a different way. When children come along, it's as if she becomes a hero. How the heck can it be that he suddenly gets frustrated about it? And then he becomes immature and thinks and becomes like that and pushes himself and becomes.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Aggressive or passive aggressive.

  Sune Sloth: Or in other ways. And it's as if she. She can choose to feel like it, and then it can sometimes come. She can also choose to switch it off.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: And now it's switched off, and she's deeply distressed, and sometimes it's switched off and she doesn't want it to come on. But unfortunately, she can only take the consequences, so she doesn't say it out loud, because then the family structure falls apart.

  Sune Sloth: And that's actually the elephant in the room. It's the sex life here that falls apart. But there is that too.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Many trained sexologists are trying to save that. I don't know how. I don't think anything needs saving. I think it starts with honesty in relation to the fact that a woman's sexuality and a man's sexuality are different and crash during the years when there are children. And it takes extra effort if there are. If it is unsaid that when you. We've never had a good sex life and the actual sex you have to have to have a child. It's just not said, because then you won't have it with me or. Or you know I wanted you. Now I have children, and now I don't feel like it at all. Or we were fine. Now we have children, and if she has gained weight or changed, he can't get along. He can't figure out how to say it's me he doesn't want to be with, so it's more to say that. 6 complicates things incredibly much. And that's on top of the thing with the children. So there are some very, very difficult conversations to have, because it can feel so personal and so violent and like personal criticism. And it can also be her, who thought I was actually very bright, right? And even though we were few kids. But I think he's so bad in bed. And if I try to say it, he shuts down. So some women women have. Actually, you can't.

  Sune Sloth: Saying it is also a red flag. A man who can't handle feedback in bed. Yes, yes, a huge word.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: It's a huge red flag, and that's fine. He could have said it overwhelms me. I'll get after it. I'll come back and do the same with her. It's actually a red flag, so it's Mette who's there, because that thing. The sexual thing, if it can't be talked about and landed and explored, and that's also why there are different paths in it. Because all long-term relationships typically lose the desire for each other. So it will press in and become super problematic in one way or another in that so-so situation. And both he and she can do that. So if you've just started dating and he's thought about giving her a child, then I have someone who cooks. So it can happen unconsciously. I don't think most people. You might find some, but many modern men won't think like that, and many modern women won't think I'm using him to have a baby. She won't say it out loud, but it can work in her, and it can work in him too. To have a woman who wanted me, so I felt chosen. Then we throw in the towel, and then we have a child, and then the problems start. Because if you haven't been honest here, that you've chosen as a lack of or as one.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Okay, that wasn't supposed to happen. I'm probably not if. If I wasn't standing right now and soon won't be able to have children, we probably wouldn't have chosen him. You know that at some point, that's when it comes up. That unspoken thing, it's there. Then you dare to say it out loud if this deep love hasn't materialised and maybe the desire for each other isn't there either or the one thing you don't want for her. But it's something I can do. I know I can. I can use this sexual pressure in the man that rises up. So there's a lot of things in this. There's not, once we start looking into it, it's not. So it's not. It's not this loving pink picture you have of. Whatever marriage contains, it's pure love. It's all a mess, which is not something love does. The desire to have sex every day has nothing to do with whether he loves her or not. But you can love your woman and at the same time want to have sex every day regardless of which woman it is.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: The two things are not necessarily matched, and she can want to have lots of children but not want to have sex, because for her the two things are strangely separable. She may want to have children, but not want to have that little sexual life with him. So these are some of the things we don't say out loud, and we try to keep it under wraps. But it's also because then there's less air. There are all sorts of things, but there is also. What is it that we choose a partner for and after? And yes, there are women who choose to have children with the person they're with, even if they don't like him, because it's easier to go out and find someone else. And there are men who choose to have children because then I have so-and-so's mistresses or do something else extroverted. And if I have children, at least I'm not alone. We just have to say out loud that that's you, and if it's messing things up in your relationship, then you actually have to go down there. Dare I, dare I say it out loud if you know it's you, because they will affect the dynamics and motherhood and fatherhood because it.

  Sune Sloth: Then I think someone will force you out. Is there anyone left at all? Yes, I get quite a lot of enquiries from. When men approach me. Does anyone realise what I do? They realise that there are women who really want to make this child open up. They try to take responsibility for what's happening in themselves, and then see what comes out the other side. These jobs are delivered because there are women who want to do it, and then hard women are there. One week there are those who combine being a bad boy and setting boundaries and being firm and immature, but who also has to be open and available, who doesn't hold back or withdraw, or who wants time for myself, or whatever the hell it is, and who can be honest about this. And that is, now we've talked about the red flag. So, what are the indicators that a man you're going to have a child with wants to take the high road? Can you give me one? You know some things like maybe he's not there yet, but there are indicators that he might be ready. What could that be? When you're thinking about him, whether or not to have kids. And you think we're going to have a relationship together, that could be it too. So the children can grow up in it and gain maturity from it.

  Sune Sloth: You can fall in love and have a phase where they are, appear and are similar.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Children are cute, of course.

  Sune Sloth: But it's what comes afterwards that is actually the moment of truth.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: I hear a lot of one.

  Sune Sloth: It's a really good idea to wait until it lands a bit.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Now you have to look beyond the synthetic falls. The cocktail is about two years old. So if you often hear women say The first two years were wonderful, we just need to get back to it. It was First you have to laugh. So what's come after? You can't. You don't go back to falling in love. You actually have to. Once the crush is over, what works next? And being in a relationship means making an effort every single day.

  Sune Sloth: The falling in love phase. Helle Helle Fischer. She says it can be between two, and there's more. It can also be shorter. It's more to say that you can't use a man who is courting you and who makes an effort in the beginning for anything. Absolutely nothing. Like my mum said. Yes, your father. He had put fresh flowers and it was clean back then. We weren't dating. Or at least that's not what they called it back then in the dorm room, and she was so impressed. Well, that. I've learnt to do what he has to do with cleaning because he's a man of equality, which is super cool. Yes, yes, but when he puts fresh flowers, he doesn't do that. I do that myself. And that's how we can make an effort together. And it's that you have wonderful chats and walks, walks on the beach and you have skinny dipping and you find each other. And there's a deep connection in the falling in love phase doesn't mean that he's willing to take responsibility for the emotional. It's not the same and.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: It is.

  Sune Sloth: So. But again the potentials. He takes responsibility for this and is curious about it, and that also spills over into his relationship with children?

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Absolutely.

  Sune Sloth: So this is not just about her.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: No, no, no, no, no. And I probably have to. I also have to say something to women. Many of us women are longing for a mature man and a journey down here. And it's also true that many women are doing self-development and looking at themselves.

  Speaker3: And there is.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: A place where we women find it difficult to stay. We may have convinced ourselves that we've come incredibly far, and then when we meet a man who says no, we may well end up thinking that he's closed. Well, we can do it. We can get real. The places that are inherited in women, where we have deep wounds, even if it's immaturity rooted in immaturity rooted in deep wounds. The hard ones they require. The difficult ones open up after it has been there. They are actually what has been most difficult in relation to you. It's actually been because the fact that there was so much control over so many other things meant that they opened up. And it's actually coming back and opening up to them. I was and have been many times when I thought I can, can't. It's not that you had done something or that I had a lack of love. It was like I had, but I can do it as long as you can do it. So it's more to say that yes, you have immaturity in places, but the women who have worked a lot will get to the next stage and have a mature man. Work on from here, you can quickly hit your edge and the deep wounds, and right there you can actually fade a bit.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Because you can actually win. Maybe you've been feeling a bit on top of the world. Yes, yes, you've felt a bit verbally and emotionally superior in previous relationships, but standing with a mature man and hitting those deep wounds where you can see in yourself that your behaviour has ended up covering up something, and you can see that he sees it, and you can see that he's ready to actually go down and face it. It's just lying there to find out if I'm going to get into that. So that means you actually want to go back to the immaturity battles that are there, where you try to manipulate him into being wrong. It's natural for you to use that form to avoid going down the deep wounds that you as a soul have taken on. So it's a whole other monster and meeting a man and that. And there will be women who can't stand it. It's violent. So it's just to say that we can also make him the problem when we hit our own edge. And it's basically because it's too painful.

  Sune Sloth: Are we about to wrap up? I think we are. I hope there are some messages. Women. And yes, I just think we should round off this talk. Come up with some. You've touched on some different tips. Flags, what to look for and also what? What does it take if you take it? Does someone who is ready for it take it?

  Mette Miriam Sloth: I've done some maths, and I hope you can hear that it comes with love. Well, that, it's a bit more. It's a level of maturity, and it's time for us to wake up to our own responsibility, and that's not always pleasant.

  Sune Sloth: I wake up at 5am and I've been punching people in the face on our Instagram Facebook and seeing that they've been beaten up a lot.

  Mette Miriam Sloth: Yes, they have.

  Sune Sloth: It's a bit like a division of labour where I beat up my own gender and you take your own path.

  Speaker3: It shouldn't.

  Sune Sloth: Become a gender battle. No, it's more purely that I don't spend effort to see where the gender is immature. Even though I accidentally revealed that I'm standing in the moment and experiencing it myself. It's healthy and good to experience that it's possible. Anyways, let's wrap it up for now. Thanks for listening in. Bye bye.