Podcast E20: Male Sexuality
In Magdalene Effekten's podcast episode E20, "Male Sexuality - A Woman's Perspective", Mette Miriam Sloth explores male sexuality based on her observations and insights. She debunks the myth that male sexuality is simple and instead focuses on its complexity and the challenges that arise in the encounter with female sexuality.
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Important Points from E20:
Male Sexuality - More Complex Than It Seems: Mette argues that men's sexuality, like women's, is complex and often misunderstood. It cannot be reduced to stereotypical notions that men are only driven by desire and ejaculation.
Misunderstood Simplification of Sexuality: Both men's and women's sexuality has been packaged into simplistic categories, which leads to misunderstandings and dissatisfaction in relationships. By exercising curiosity and openness, couples can uncover the many nuances that exist in the sexuality of both sexes.
Differences in Sexual Interest: Mette observes that the man's interest in the woman often drops drastically after he has achieved orgasm. She explains that this may be due to a rapid drop in the man's oxytocin level, while the woman's oxytocin level rises, which makes her want more intimacy and closeness.
Evolutionary Influence: Mette acknowledges that evolution has influenced men's sexuality, which can explain their desire for variety and rapid rebuilding of sexual desire. This biological impulse can create friction in the relationship, as women's sexual needs often do not follow the same rhythm.
Visual and Verbal Dominance: Mette points out that men are often more visual and verbal in their approach to sexuality, which can be a challenge for women who do not respond in the same way. Men's tendency to verbalize fantasies can take the focus away from the woman and her needs.
Projection of Sexual Expectations: Mette believes that men can project their own understanding of sexuality onto women and expect them to react in the same way that they do. This can lead to disappointment and misunderstandings, as women's sexuality is often more complex and connected to emotions.
Curiosity and Genuine Interest: Mette emphasizes the importance of the man being curious and showing genuine interest in the woman's sexual experience. He must be willing to listen and understand her needs without projecting his own expectations onto her.
Sexuality's Transformative Potential: Mette sees sexuality as a powerful opportunity for transformation and healing for both the man and the woman. She believes that the man's "little death" after ejaculation can be an opening to process unconscious themes and traumas.
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Translated transcript of the original Danish podcast
Hosts: Mette Miriam Sloth & Sune Sloth
And we have set each other a fun little challenge or
challenge. And without agreeing in advance, we will do two episodes where we ask each other what we have learnt about it. Is the sexuality of the opposite sex.
Mhm.
And the more And uh, that is, we haven't prepared in the sense that we haven't discussed it beforehand.
Today we start with Mette to hear what
The woman first.
Woman first, what have you learnt about male sexuality that you would like to share with the women out there?
Well, I think I'll start at a place where it's kind of in two crucial phases about my experience with male sexuality, and then I'll also say that I'm not at all finished, I think, with finding out what it's all about. Um, the first thing was to realise that male sexuality is very different from female sexuality. And I didn't really realise that until I read Data. Um, so reading David Data was excellent for me as a study to start understanding male sexuality better. And what I realised was that what many women struggle with and what I also struggled with at one point in my life was male sexuality, which is more I remember I was at the growth centre where we did some kind of romantic meditations and Niil Farsting who had the workshop or seminar was kind of the way she described that male sexuality is so very powerful that it's very bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam and we had to try to step into the masculine energy that most men are identified as masculine and I could feel that it's very different from the feminine, which is more fluid, it builds up and then there's an orgasm and then it moves around, so what I thought had been the man's raw horniness, which I thought was problematic and I couldn't puha and which many women think is too violent and the way he can sexualise his language, which can also be, well, there's a lot of pinching and f***, and it can be edgy and hard. That's when I realised that the right octave of it, or the power it contains, is actually enormously useful and very powerful and must actually be given space and permission, because it goes incredibly well with the woman's often unspoken desire and need to be taken, to be directed and taken, to surrender to being taken, right? In other words, if he didn't have this real desire to penetrate deeply and almost eat, which can come out in many ways, then it wouldn't be a match. They simply wouldn't be able to match each other, her surrender. And that was a huge aha for me. So I could see that there is something in the immature woman or the immature. I don't know if it's the feminine, I don't really think so. I think it's when the feminine comes into a woman's body, which is still immature because she has it or she has and so on, that there is a potential to understand male sexuality more deeply here. So I'm starting to see things differently in relation to this, as when I talked to him, because one of the things that is also different is that he seems to have a need for it that builds up quickly in him again. The need for release or the need for the sexual exchange. Maybe over a wide range. Of course, there are also differences in men in their sexuality, right? But at least that's perhaps the myth, the belief that he is quickly ready again. Evolutionarily, he can also, you know, have sex too many times and reproduce his sperm in many places. So there's also a kind of animal element or mammalian element to it, which makes sense. And it can also be annoying in relationships, because as a woman you can go longer without the sexual need. And it can sometimes clash with his, which then just becomes annoying and needy and annoying, and you push me. Why do you want to do this again? I don't get it. Doesn't lie an object. There can be a huge amount of confusion there. And I think in order to understand the dancer. Firstly, I think I had locked myself into the idea that male sexuality was quite simplistic and female sexuality was very wild and multi-lit. And I no longer believe that. I think I've actually come to the realisation that both sexualities are basically wildly misunderstood and wrapped up in very simplistic categories, where if we get more curious and playful about it, I think we can uncover so many things together. So my enjoyment and understanding of the rawness of his sexuality that I think I found a bit scary and it wasn't disgust but I think it came out in something like that because I was basically a bit scared of it and the thing about realising that the more mature you become and actually want to surrender more sexually that it starts to get boring for many women, sex starts to get very boring especially if it's like a seven minute fuck, right? But if you're going to match the mature man's capacity to keep it going and capacity to watch you, you're going to have to bring your own horniness home too. So it's like the two things have to go hand in hand. So I could see when I read the data that I actually had to, well, if I wanted a man who could meet me differently sexually or go deeper, then there was no point in being a bit of a closed little girl. I only like it like this. You can't touch me there. That must be it. Don't say that word, I can't relate to that pinch at all. I can also see that there were a lot of things like that, so it's not possible because there has to be room for things to unfold. So it also means that where male sexuality and the couple is a paradox because where male sexuality is actually both dangerous for us women. So where it is dangerous is also where it can transform and take us and really bring us home to ourselves and you know, become one with the universe. So then there was something about figuring out what the hell do you do here when we're looking for a bad boy at some point, because that bad boy takes you in a way that you want, that your partner doesn't, but the bad boy also tugs at your heart that you can't stand. So that coupling where there's a split, like the sound and the Madonna, for women there's like, oh my god, can you get a bad boy with the heart of God, that would be really nice. You can get that in a samba tray, because the problem is that if you get an alpha hand who's really good at getting you to climax and who's really good at keeping you focused, you'll be sold. But then you'll also want to go deeper relationally or a longing will build up. So there's something there in terms of starting you start to approach a momentum edge. So that was another experience about male sexuality is actually also dangerous, but it has to be dangerous. Because if it's not dangerous, you'll never get to the point where there's anything that's being transformed, or there's anything that's merging, or you're approaching anything that has the meaning of anything. So another thing in the section was figuring out how broad spectrum it is and not in terms of like rollele and stuff like that. It's fine if you want to do it. But but but but but the sexual energy itself has a huge number of frequencies built into it. And what I also realised was that I felt very much like why is it that he disappears from this porn, which I thought was strange and had nothing to do with female sexuality. I was just like, holy shit, why is he doing that? I mean, can't he just not do it? But what I could see was that what he misses or what he longs for is deep intensity. So it's the intensity of the encounter. In other words, friction. Polarity is friction. So I could see that as a woman we can't, we can't just sit and bitch about how we think it's boring and we think he doesn't take us. At the same time, we may be extremely narrow-minded in terms of where we dare to go. In other words, we can't surrender to letting him direct us. Can't we just like it? It only has to be I only like total and touch me that way or it only has to be hard, but I can't have it become. So if we are closed in a lot of ways, we also limit his, because he is not allowed to direct us. So there seems to be some opposing locks there. So the fact that he actually seeks intensity, because she does too, but in a different way, was also an eye-opener because it would also mean that if it is absent in intimacy, because this force seeks intensity in different variations and forms. In other words, if it's not there, then sexuality will drift elsewhere, because none of us can control sexuality. Neither gender can control sexuality. So that's our biggest sexuality is our biggest teacher, and that's where we fall into the most traps. There is so much darkness associated with sexuality that we need to bring home. Erm, and you can see that falling into porn, it actually goes in and preys on it. It actually preys on a man's longing for intensity. So it's not to say that it's her fault if he seeks it. There's also personal responsibility in it and stuff like that. So it's not to move me off that track. It was just to say that okay, at home in the marital bed or wherever you think it's nice to have sex, it's becoming more and more tame and lifeless and anaemic. But porn is getting wilder and wilder and you know Netflix series with soft porn or in the sense that there is a huge amount of sexual activity in series is getting richer and richer richer richer richer more multifaceted but it's as if sexuality is seeping out into the virtual space without the men away from the bedroom so it's kind of okay so his sexuality is violently fast raw edg dangerous potential um on the edge to edge directing seeking intensity. And then I was like, where the hell is the heart in this? And I think that's when I realised that the masculine or the man can initiate the woman sexually in terms of taking her to places she hasn't really dared to go, to surrender in ways that she hasn't really dared to go, if she dares. So by him holding on and with his, he can actually take her to a place where you could say that her heart is actually her initiating him. Erm, which also means that she actually erm and there is something interesting because he has been conditioned to be turned on by some specific things. You could say it's that much faded out in the porn, she is too. But he has been conditioned to be turned on by her seduction over time. And I've been able to see that this is a problem, because if that seduction has a specific expression, because what I've also realised is that the man's sexuality is extremely visually bound up.
More visually than for her. Women watch porn too, but not nearly as much as men. So, and witnessing her body, I think men are much more turned on by seeing her lap than she is by seeing his p**. She can do that, but there's something about the visual aspect of it. So there's a pitfall here that we women ourselves have helped to create. And evolutionary biology also has a handle on it in terms of whether there can be fierce competition among dogs to, you know, get the right deal and stuff like that, right? And all the way back to women have been oppressed and been in harems, how and all that kind of stuff, so women have been pushed and forced and have used their bodies to seduce. So it means the way it's wrapped up. The industry in relation to longing and crossage what the f***. So it's boomed. So it's as if the fact that you just have naked skin, the naked form itself because he's so visual, he's been moulded and moulded and moulded and moulded and moulded. So you think it takes more and more and more and more to actually arouse him. And the problem is if we as women are going to go along with it and not maybe It's actually to initiate him in the heart helps to unlearn him some of the programming that has been in the culture for a long time, because there is so much visual stimulation, and many boys are visually stimulated while they are breathing. So it simply becomes the way they switch on. So that particular trundle wearing that outfit, some German milkmaid or whatever the hell I know in porn, well, that's what it takes to make it work for him, right? And you could say it's just innocent role-playing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it can be, but if it becomes a kind of fate, that's the only way, because it's like it's been coded in our nerves that it has to be that way. And if we women go along with it, the seduction of not inviting. In the feminine lies the invitation to open up and become the centre of attention. But the seductive element, you actually want to go into the masculine because as soon as you seduce, you have a goal. As soon as you have one, you buy a corsage, you buy a loincloth, you have a fantasy, you have a goal of what I'm doing here should have that effect. That is, as soon as you have a goal in mind, you have a plan, you have a strategy, you surrender masculinely. You can't surrender yet masculine. So the problem is if we play that dance, and right here his sexuality can become a little dangerous because in the pressure that the feminine seeks, or the conscious, it becomes conscious also feels like pressure. And being penetrated against a wall of pressure is extremely delicious when you're turned on. But if he has an image of what it should look like, he may well push that image onto her. And if he does that, his disc like this, buy I don't know. Toys and toys and stuff like that. And if she goes along with it and listens, she thinks it's nice and cool and she can open one just fine. But if she can feel in her body that she actually closes down a bit and feels it would be nicer if it wasn't there, she actually starts to close down her body and then they go down a path where seduction doesn't let her go into surrender. So here she will actually be in a very strong position to resist his pressure. So and here we hit on something that is a problem. The problem is that the man's sexuality in our current culture has been seen as if he is the one who initiates her, the lead uh virgin sitting there like a second violet waiting to be plucked. No f****** way. Well, it's not not at all, it's in the feminine actually. Um, so there's something here in that you help her in terms of or are there to direct her to surrender, but in many ways she's actually initiating him into sensuality and pleasure, which is inherent in the feminine. So there is something here in relation to her having to reclaim her wisdom in the sexual. And actually, and it's actually about her having to reclaim her way of being ecstatic and living out the intensity via her body. So all that stuff....you just can't do it anymore, you don't need to do it. It's not necessary. And of course, if you're into it, it's not that it's forbidden. Just be aware that the intensity is in the body. It's the body's movements, and if you have too many layers on top of it, it can quickly become problematic. So in that way, I could see that I also learnt that there is something, there's a rawness here, there's a horniness here, and there's something in the man's sexuality that can take her far. And then there's a blind spot male sexuality. There's a bullshit side to male sexuality, where he's been told by the culture he's got hold of the long one where there's simply something in his sexuality that is deeply deep I would actually say sacred and it sounds it can sound a bit annoying because it's like it's tied up in something some religion and it's not but something very pure something hugely transformative that she contributes and they can do that dance together. He seems to be in most cases more sexually open than her. Not in terms of being physically open. But more curious. As a rule of thumb, he seems to be more open to talking about sexual fantasies. He seems to be more familiar with the darkness. Darkness is linked to sexuality. So that's something I've also found with men. And it's also through data that I found that out. So in that way, he will typically be more willing to want to throw himself into more things where she may have resistance to it. And that actually means that there's a huge potential for him to redeem things together as a couple, because the fact that he has the courage to do that and is less afraid of the darkness that comes up, and she has the heart that can connect, actually means that we can take the sexuality that plays out between the couple and make crazy transformative, if you understand the transformative element of it. So you could say that was one of the things I realised with the data, that the raw power of the man and how sexuality is really a gift to the woman, even though we can be afraid of it. We both crave it and she is afraid of it at the same time. Um, we're afraid to stay, and of course there's also the violence aspect of it, but that's a whole other category. But it focuses a lot on the fact that the man actually has to get hold of his killer instincts in order to be able to move at all, that is, to be directed to take his pole. And that's right, because the darkness is coming up. So the only way to make sure that it doesn't become violent is to be aware of it, to have your heart in it, because then you can easily go wild sexually, where it becomes ecstatic, but not violent. So that's the thing about it being right on the borderline, right? So, um...
what is required of a man's sexuality? Because it sounds like there's a narrow spectrum. There is a problem.
Yeah, there's a problem.
Where she gets to act a role that gets put into a box that she will eventually fail.
Yeah.
Um. Then there's something about, it has to be in a certain way that he pushes into her, or instead of seeing her, he wants to see her in a certain way. Is it...
I think they're going to, I think what happens is that they're going to put each other in boxes because they're basically going to want to have sex with a version of themselves. And it's a big mistake, because if they don't, then they don't have the opposite. So a lot of couples have sex with a fantasy instead of the partner they're having sex with. So I think that's where you can say that what data deals with is not the usual way people have sex in relation to how they usually have sex. We are, after all, we're pretty sexually ambiguous. We may think we've come, but we haven't. So a standard intercourse takes six or seven minutes. It can take up to 50 minutes for a woman to have a fucking orgasm, not with penetration. So there's already a bit of a long way to go.
But can we take it back because I'm curious to take it from the very beginning.
Mm. You know, what have you learnt about the man up to the point where you've got to the level where you are today?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So from the very beginning, we start from before. Yeah, yeah. What's starting? Because...
I think the listeners and viewers might be interested in how
you start the journey of realisation and where do you move towards and get there.
Yeah, yeah.
So what is one of the first things you realised about male sexuality?
My first realisation about male sexuality is, and this was the first thing that struck me, that there is a huge interest in you as a woman. Then there's focus on it, then there's penetration, then there's orgasm, and then it's as if the interest disappears. They go to sleep, they fall asleep, they leave and physically move away from you. So that is, so what I experienced in my in my in my when I started seeing age 17 um was what in my system seemed hugely hurtful. And I've since realised, well, there is someone who builds up a sexual interest. In a man who pushes himself and seeks ejaculation and it's like ejaculation has happened, the oxyosin drops very very quickly where in the woman the oxyosin rises she wants to go deeper where for many men it's just like an oath you know just before I wanted to eat you with my head of hair now I'm kind of like I can't really something about what it does so there's a kind of biological explanation for it that kind of gets transferred the hypothesis is that it's because well it's ideal for him as a mammal goes out and has sex with more people to ensure offspring not so I found out um I also found out that the more excited he was the younger he was he would typically come very quickly hard to keep it
from the pen until he comes
three four five minutes
Yeah. Yeah.
do you know the statistics across countries
no the no no no no
two to three minutes
yes it's very very fast
so this and this and this and in the beginning I was like, well, that's probably how it is and this I just like, I remember the first ones just like, what is this for us? Well, it doesn't do anything. It's really boring.
Conversely, you could also say that when you start having sex, regardless of man or woman, nobody knows what the hell you're doing. You haven't learnt it yet. It's a skill. It's also something you practice. Well, it's not because,
but is it a skill for the man, but is it a skill for the woman?
That's actually what I realised, because I hadn't thought about it, but when I read the data, Davas tek on it is that the person who enters the masculine pole, the directing pole, that's actually you. You have to have the skillset.
You have to have the skillset.
Because when the feminine pole is actually about surrendering, the part of the brain that thinks about how should I use right and left, should I press here, how do you feel? Well, it's actually surrender, so you don't have to think about that,
you have to think about that.
Yes, yes.
Yes, that's right.
Exactly. And it made so much sense, but I hadn't thought about it before. And I can see that a lot of women go into one of the main reasons why a lot of women find it hard to come and stuff like that. It's because they're over his needs.
When you're over other people's needs, then you can surrender.
Yes, you can surrender.
So it becomes
what skills does he need to learn so that when you say what from very basic and then upwards?
I remember it was something we used to laugh about as girlfriends. Erm, when I was younger. You know, the one where he mashes around on the clitoris as if it's one of those things, like if you're driving some kind of car. So there's something about what you've seen and read up on and heard. Another thing is that you know that now I touch here and then I see how she reacts. So there's something about learning to feel into her. Feel into a woman he's having sex with. And of course also asking her that it can be difficult to get an answer out of a woman when you're having sex. There are many reasons for that. But he actually has to take turns, to be able to take the directing pole, he actually has to take turns exploring. He has to go out and try to take her places. And then there she's venting, there she closes or she gets like she's freezing, or it's like he has to actually he's actually forced to learn to decode her body language because he can't expect it to be if he asks her, what do you like? Sometimes she can't even answer that. Maybe she's newly sexual and doesn't know it yet. Maybe she's a little embarrassed because there are many reasons why it can be difficult for women to talk about sex.
Mm.
So I can I think what I've realised is that I could be a bit of an afterthought and so they also think they're too shy, and they didn't spend enough time on the term. So in terms of understanding the woman and if they just got into it, they could get all the sex they wanted. It's still like that today. If they understood women better, their physiology better, then they wouldn't have to sit and whinge about not getting any sex. Then they could say for all the sex they wanted. Having said that, I can see that being the one who takes the lead can be hard work. Well, it is hard work. Because you have to have your own pleasure, of course, but you're constantly keeping an eye on where she is and what to do next and so on. So you see, it must be hard work, I actually realised, but nevertheless, there are two poles. So if it's the pole the man is called to, which can't feel sorry for him either, then he has to take it on too. If he wants her deep surrender, her extreme juicy horniness, then he has to take on that role too. Then she won't get there. I mean, it's not even a place to go. There's a surrender in that, right? And that's why reading the data was groundbreaking for me. I learnt so much about the masculine pole that I really didn't understand.
What else have you read that has taught you something about male sexuality?
I've read a lot about evolutionary psychology and biology.
Which authors can you have a biologist?
Erm, there's David Boss, there's and that other guy who I can't remember. Brit,
I refer a lot of people to my book. Yeah, there were many. Um, and that's basically, and the reason why I needed to understand it, is because as a woman here comes this one with this dangerous sexuality.
Mm.
You have to choose as a woman who you let in. Um. Because if there are men who don't want to commit, but who have that genetic makeup. Some men have a genetic makeup that makes them not want to recover. And if they have high testosterone and want to have a lot of sex, then they'll be pretty good at getting you attracted.
Yeah, it's something to do with oxycin,
or what's it called with the testosterone, right?
J Now I'm thinking about the ones that don't want to come.
I can't actually remember what it was, it explained it. There was something about some strings that were longer and it was compared to something. I can't remember the specific explanation, but there is a difference. You might remember it.
Well, it's these gerbil trials where you have oxin, where you suppress oxasin, and there are some different
that could measure the difference, but we can do that another time, because now it's really you, but there is a biological basis,
and that has something to do with it.
And what's more interesting is that a woman will always be able to spot him here.
I know.
Because the alpha trades that lead you to climax uh can say all the right things and do all the right things and has had many sexual partners and has abstained each and from being in long term relationships. And he sometimes he will lie, but when he's there like that, he doesn't have to lie to get to get to get sex. So if he wants to be honest he could actually say to them, I really just want, you know, a nice night and stuff like that in a sweet night. He so he won't lie on that so that way he's so you can't blame him for anything.
But white coincidence What do you say?
Is it always a coincidence he talks?
No, no, there's absolutely not. There's no doubt about it. The research itself shows that men are willing to sell their aunt for sex. So you can easily run into men who say they love you for sex. I'm thinking now, but specifically the alpha male who knows he can work it out with women. It's not necessarily that he'll lie to you. It's quite possible that he'll say, well, I don't want to go down tomorrow. But you can still, even if he doesn't lie, if he lies and says he wants to marry you and he doesn't want to, well then you still can't, so it's something like, well then he's a stupid bastard. But he might not actually have the lottery ticket, but you still can't become obsessed. You still can't become obsessed with the thought, his scent. He can simply penetrate you so deeply that it's f****** hard to get him out again. So that's why you have to be very aware of who you're letting in, the female receptive, inviting essence. And it becomes a like, when we've been reading the back of those, you know, the bad earl novels, so you know, it's like that, and that's the transformation that's inherent in that bad earl, you know, there's huge sexual experiences, you know getting all the women he wants, but he only wants you, you know, right? And that's how you can be pretty sure if the bad earl has access to all the farts he wants so he might not stick with you, it's very much like that, he might not so you can choose to burn your fingers here, but nevertheless, there's something in this archetypal dan that there's a longing to be witnessed and be seen and be taken and be directed by the masculine. And this is linked to the traits that a psychopath can also exhibit. In other words, these traits that show a kind of self-assurance and can be interpreted as a high degree of integrity. In other words, the more confident he is, the more he can keep his focus on you, the more you will be attracted to him if you are a feminine being. I mean, it's just inevitable. So that's also something I've learnt about this dance. Well, damn, there's a lot. It's two opposites, and it simply creates the most delicious energy. And you can easily meet the one that turns you on, that you should stay f****** far away from. Well, you can, where it's just like, this is bad business. And we all women know this bad boy bad boy trap. You almost get sucked into it, and that's also why the more awareness you can get of polarity, the more you can live this out. Not the bad boy, but by stepping into your respective poles so you can create this with the person you love. Rather than you know you have to go for years and be obsessed with some wimp who has no integrity and doesn't have his heart in the right place or but that you have all sorts of fantasies about not and all women to one degree or another it's not a fun place as it can say so his his sexuality can also be very consuming.
Mm.
Very consuming it can also be arsehole.
So it can also be that it can be that it can be so boring to have sex with a man.
It's so boring as hell.
And then he can also get into that he's too wild he's too uh But it's the other way round that it can be because he's too pleasurable. He can lead you on like a woman, but he's so afraid of you leaving him that he feels like a little puppy dog. So that can also be part of it. So there's this great tension in sexuality, where
how does such a man fuck such a puppy dog type?
It's very, very soft.
Is he careful?
He's very, very careful.
Is he afraid of making mistakes?
He's he's he's he's afraid of taking her somewhere where he's missed her cues. He's he's misunderstood her and he's going to do something that makes her suddenly, you know, push him away or cry or get angry or get upset. He's so terrified of it that he keeps it all so gentle and so soft and so correct that she wants to hit him hard. So that actually also means, and it's important, that she gives him space for it. So it's for the woman, she can't get that bad boy energy with her partner if she doesn't also allow him to go too far sometimes. Not because she has to watch him go too far, but sometimes he goes places. She can't expect him to always just walk away. Sometimes things come up that neither he nor she could foresee. So there's a deep trust in the fact that if you want to explore the darker side of things, sexuality, that you also dare to venture out and can therefore also be able to say no when it comes, and then he stops, but without you telling him afterwards that it's his fault and he should and everything else, right? That's the thing, because if he doesn't have the space to play in relation to you, then he can't take you either, because he won't dare. He's scared shitless that you'll say you've committed assault or something, right? So because we're out there, we're in a borderland here, because so many sexual offences have also been committed, right? So it's also in the body, especially in the female body, right?
Are there men who are in the centre of the spectrum or who switch between these beliefs
between being brave and
I think many m I think many men are in such a nice dinner position it's the daddy car not so nice you know we've found it so this structure you know I do this and then I touch you there and then we lick like this and then you do that and then yes you make these velpage sounds and then before too long we get gas but it's nice and then we sleep And if she doesn't complain about it, well then we repeat it the next day. There may well be a middle of the road man, can he live with it? Can he be faithful or will he be able to thrive in it in the long run? If he has decided that he's not going to go out and explore his own edge, then yes.
What about that B guy.
Well, gentle is good too.
What about the guy on the other end?
He can't.
No, he can't.
So you also have to look at what kind of man you've chosen. Because if you've chosen a man who listens to you all the time and who doesn't want to move into anything and has no desire to and maybe doesn't have much of a sex drive or has no desire to test sexuality in his own or dive into his own darkness and meet your wildness. So if you have a burning desire to be taken. Well, he may not be able or want to take that journey with you.
So the man's aggression, darkness and sexuality, you've mentioned that.
It's all connected.
I'm going to put the aggression in. Now I'm putting the aggression in there, right?
Mm.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Could you elaborate?
Well, sexuality and aggression are very much connected, and we can see that, you know, both brain-wise and eye-wise, and then of course there is where we can get a little worried, because sexual assault is also connected to aggression, right? So and the only thing that separates it. It's about whether the aggression is connected to the heart and formed love and consciousness or whether the aggression is done without a yes or without hearts or without consciousness. In other words, aggression. Sexual aggression without those things. That's violence. Sexual aggression where there is a heart and where there is consciousness. But it's ecstasy. They're two very different things, right? Very different things. And that's why sexuality is so fascinating and is so dangerous. Because you have all the excitement. And that's why so many people stay in the nice leafy area, because then we don't get to a place where we get on the happy ice, right?
So there's a question of aggression, so the guy who can hit you hard, the bad boy, has it because he has aggression, but it's just not conscious.
He may have integrated it consciously, but he may not have his heart in it. It may well be that he stays within ethical boundaries and is able to use the power to take you. But his heart may not be on in relation to the moment he has come, how many men experience that. You don't want anything more to do with you, right? So that means that sex can become something he uses, as many men do. I've realised that too. I think it's more men want to do that more than sex and can fall into the trap of using sex to de-stress. I would say that too many men I've also heard say, well that's what they see it as, it's nice, and it de-stresses, you know, it gives you hope, and then I need a release for that.
So how do you see the man's, how have you learnt to discern when the man's sexuality is Is there heart? Is it like that, when is there a heart in relation to him that can take you
groom you
Mm.
bang against the wall or can take you gently him who is able to read you.
Mm.
What have you learnt about this man? When will you start to see a difference? What are the signs that here is someone who is not heartless and someone who is starting to open their heart into it?
Mm.
Can you do that?
Yes, you can. And here and here you actually have to, because if you just meet a man for one night, you can't know. Because you have to, you have to know, you have to have more knowledge about his character. You actually have to have, you actually have to have a relationship with him. Otherwise, you can't know.
Then she's going to put something instead or a fantasy here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Which will actually, uh, shadow her perception of what he wants.
Yeah, yeah. So there can be a fantasy that the sexual encounter, if it's been ecstatic, the woman can project, when it was ecstatic for me, then there are wedding bells, right? There doesn't have to be for him. He can just think, that was just as cool as, you know, I just had a great win at work, or you know, I just had a hard workout. But it can be a dopamine rush for him, it can be, but it doesn't, it doesn't have to have anything to do with love making. There's also the fact that some women can easily go out and have sex without there being any love involved.
So there's something here, but of course we're going to talk about his sexuality, but
it's interesting because
now we're talking about how what you've learnt.
Mhm.
But that learning has also gone through that particular filter.
Yes, that's right. Yes, it has. It's gone through a filter of a feminine identified being.
Yes, it has.
So it can obscure
get clear on where he stands.
Yes.
That what?
Well, you can end up interpreting something that isn't there. So you can only know if his heart is in it if you have a relationship with him. You can't know if you meet him casually. Of course, you might have a feeling about it, but he might just be lying up front. You can't really know that. He could be extremely skilful. He might learn a giraffe language or whatever. He can learn all kinds of things. He's not saying he's a psychopath. But he may well have learnt a lot of things, so he appears to be able to listen, be attentive, observant, I can ask questions and stuff like that and pick you up, and then he leaves the next day saying, but that was you, hey hey, then I don't have to deal with you. So it's not, it's egoting so then in the short meeting, you simply don't have enough data, you can have a feeling, but it's not you don't have enough data. Then not enough data. So, and it's not like you can say this thing about whether women should just go out and have sex whenever we feel like it. I wouldn't say you should, there are no rules for that, but I think the most important thing as a woman is that you know yourself well enough to know how I react when I've been sexual with someone. Well, I found that I very quickly, if it's not just if it's been good sexually, but if it's also been, you know, there's been deep conversations, there's been a lot, and I think I've, I've laughed a lot, I've felt inspired. That is to say, I've felt, you know, stimulated in many ways, I'm 100% guaranteed to have a deep longing to get to know him better. You know, to spend more time with him, to kind of merge more with him, right? And it can be a hassle if it was never in the cards and it wasn't what he wanted. He has the right not to want to do that, by the way. It's not because he's wrong if he just wants to have sexual encounters. He can do that. You just have to constantly consider whether you want to go into it if you know that you want more, and it's going to stick. So I think it's really important to find out what you're made of as a woman and how you live out your sexuality, because his sexuality is very different, and I think that's the biggest takeaway. So it was kind of those in the early stages that you can say, one thing it's my experiences, but it's not that it's less important. It's more as a woman, as a young woman. Because I can see a lot of these are common human ones. So I'm sharing this because it's common human, and therefore it's useful for more people. It's less important, it's me who has experienced it. And then there's this thing about how to keep the spark, the sexual spark in a long-term relationship where both she and he lose the point. So it dies very quickly.
Mhm.
Which was also where I was very fascinated by data to say, you can be a fan of working with polarity, realising polarity and understanding your respective pole and living it, because otherwise it will die very quickly, right? So that's where data was, you know, crucial for me and actually more in terms of finding out how I could step in and realise my own pole so that I could offer my gift instead of constantly pointing at the other. Why don't you take me anymore? Or why don't you do more outfits or something? I mean, you stand there like that and poker the other person for not being good enough, right? And if there's anything that kills sexuality, it's not that. That's something I've also realised.
What does it require of him
Like
Yes, because he's going to sulk. Well shut up his so men sulk about not getting enough sex.
You're about to say it too.
Yes.
How do men put it? But that is, there must be something wrong with you. Now you haven't been in the mood. It's like, why do you feel like it? I feel like it all the time. Can't you, can't you do something? Go out and do something to make you want to, and I'll wait for you. So men have a kind of head up their arse when it comes to giving women a gift, and they have a wonderful p**, so she should just come and everything will be fine. And they can be the worst lover in the world. Some men also find it very difficult to talk about the fact that she can't even mention, you know, you come a bit early, or you come a bit fast, or maybe you could, and then they get completely stuck, right? Oh, and of course women do too, but that in itself, the immaturity around sexuality, it doesn't work. We all are, because it's crazy and we get awkward and everything. But if you do, you have to at least accept that you don't have the sex life you want. You can't keep beating the other person up for it. So I'd say there's something where men are a bit like, you can't keep thinking that just because you have a dill and everything's fine, it won't work.
But is it possible that they project their own understanding of sexuality into her?
I think so. I think that's where it goes wrong. I think it's simply that I have it and I just want to get inside you and give it to you and then I feel nice and relaxed and that was nice and I always feel like you must feel that way too
mm
and female sexuality works so much differently so that's also why if you want to have a nice sex life you actually have to find out how the other person's sexuality works m
and what is the gift you have to offer your partner
how to know if a man is interested in that
i.e. to take that dance with you
no in understanding the woman's sexuality But if he doesn't if he does f*** all if he keeps stubbornly insisting that it's you that's wrong he's totally on top of it and he comes within 30 seconds and he won't even talk about it then there's something about it not if he's not even if he's not even if he's not interested in finding out how you work
pos
and he's looking for something positive if m
positive signs
positive signs are that he's actually reading up on evolutionary psychology evolutionary biology is trying to understand his own sexuality understand your so female knowledge in your body there are many things. So you can go way back there are many things you can do
there's you know, van websites today that provide hugely elaborate, very, very beautiful, detailed understanding of female physiology and sexuality.
I mean, if the man spent as much time understanding women's physiology and sexuality as he spends on stocks and bikes and cars, he could get so much sex. He could swoon, he could have so much, he would get so tired. If
if we now reduce so little
m
so it's not necessarily a study on the internet or the woman knows
Well, he can also,
what could what could what could what could also be some other signs.
Other signs are that the way he handles her.
Yes, the way he handles her.
The way he touches her, he notices how she responds.
So his attention to
his his up it is it is that simple. Is he paying attention to her when he interacts with her?
Is he interested?
Yes. Yes, he is. Whether he is interested and attentive,
if he shows interest, what can she ø can she contribute in some way if he is genuinely curious?
Mm. What should he be curious about? What what what what is important?
I would say that he may well think that she has just as much need to talk about sex and put into words sex, sexual fantasies, and what was it like for you and what turns you on, where you get touched quickly. Because it seems rule of thumb that just like he's more visual here, he's also more verbal here. For many women, that doesn't really work for them.
How is he going to solve the paradox that she's not interested in
She's not interested in
talk about it.
Mm. And that you need, you want a man who is interested in her
Exactly
I would have to say he's interested in basically in her pleasures.
Yeah. And at the same time, you don't want to talk.
And at the same time, you don't want to talk about that?
Well, what it wants
So what do you do there?
It can help for her to start getting better at talking about it. So the thing where they actually get a space of vulnerability, where she also tries to understand you, so you also have to give him something, right?
That's one thing. The other thing is that he can seek it out in other ways. We are other women.
You know, interviews with women or books about women, sometimes if it's difficult, there can be a lot in the relationship where it's difficult. It can also be if he's too in your face. It could be when you go for a walk. It can be, it can actually be a lot easier if he's texting her or writing her an email where she's allowed to share her thoughts, but she doesn't have to try eye contact.
So he can find creative ways to get her to open up. And there's a residue there from the past that her sexuality is a little more repressed than his is. Uh, and the female body has more scars on her soul here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So then if he can have a little bit of gentleness in that she actually wants to share, but many times she shares better writing
than to talk to him about it.
Mm.
Um. So that can be a way. He can also start reading almost.
Is there anything dangerous about inviting him in here?
There can be some Yes, there are some
points to be aware of.
There is something dangerous if he pushes it in terms of sexual fantasies. And let's say she shares a fantasy of being with multiple men or multiple men and women. He can tend to take things very literally, so he might be pushing it and has already invited friends over and we're going to have a great time.
It's not safe at all.
It sounds to me like what it's really about is basically getting to know the woman and understanding her way of functioning and
Well, yes,
very much
her need to feel seen and met and things like that.
Mm.
So there's a trap in sharing these fantasies, because then he starts to actually take the focus away again.
He takes the focus off the fact that it could be nice to have all kinds of props
Right.
which means that he's not focusing on her again.
But then she has also shared something that might not be about him seeing her.
Yes. Because you could say that if it's a fantasy that is shared in an openness about how human sexuality works, which is not necessarily about living it out, but that we have built in different fantasies, then it can be an
open up to a broader understanding of curiosity, if it becomes something that becomes very shallow. We have to live it out, because it's not safe.
But it sounds as if the woman may well have a perception that he should get to know her, but she shouldn't offer anything.
That's a trap a woman can fall into. That's for sure.
It's true.
And if a mature man is with a woman, and he's actually doing a lot, and she continues to be extremely narrow-minded and doesn't give anything of herself, then he wouldn't want to hang around rightly either.
But it sounds like there are some things she needs to be aware of here, if you're interested in understanding her, seeing her.
Yeah, yeah. And she also needs to offer her input.
Yes, she does.
If he's genuinely interested.
Exactly.
But there are some places you can fall in the water if he has no aggression.
Mm.
So contact with darkness. Or if he's in touch with the darkness, but he doesn't
has no heart.
Or that he's too mean and too considerate.
Mm.
So if he's too cautious here.
Mm.
is that understood correctly?
Mm.
Then he can also get boring.
Yes, he can.
To be with.
Yes, he can. And then
So there's some kind of balance here. Yes.
Yes, there is.
Or there's something about recolouring a spectrum.
I think it's more the latter. There's something about recolouring a spectrum. And that, um...
So how do you recognise how do you experience how do you experience such a man?
So as a colourist embraces the spectrum.
Mm.
Well, when a man embraces the spectrum, it's possible to enter into intimacy and let it unfold in the given moment, which can be anything from just cuddling or kissing, it never happens again, because it's just as intimate. It's just as close. It's just as delicious as you have that you know nail-biting, you know all consuming, right? It ends in a completely sweaty orgasm. Well, it's not important, it's one or the other.
Mm.
Because the goal, there's no focus on this being a role-playing game where you wear bunnies or ears. So it's not that it has to give you a return. It's that it's allowed to build up. And then the dance of being directed in the surrender in it, it often finds play, because it means that there is a spectrum to play on, where you go with the energy that is building up in whatever direction it takes. If you can move on the spectrum, then you can surrender to what's happening right now with your partner. Whereas if you've already said, well, but this, well, this position, in in in in, that's very nice. Then you fall into that habit, the habitual person you are, it's very nice. If you fall into that groove, then it becomes very narrow, right? Which both genders are at risk of falling into, right?
What have you learnt about? Er, male sexuality, where the spectrum can meet you and your heart. What does that look like?
What I've learnt is that male sexuality is just as complex and just as under-researched as female sexuality. What I've learnt is that there is the possibility that when he ejaculates and experiences what's called the little death that he feels as a kind of emptiness I don't feel like it right now or I just feel like sleeping or I feel like there's actually a she holds the feminine space or takes the masculine pole, where he surrenders to the feminine there. And we can actually use the sexual energy as a transformation, that there is actually some of his unconscious darkness that underlies this little death. That it's not really, it's not just a biological impulse or something. Well, it's because your oxytocin drops quickly in the woman. There is something here in relation to how he has been sexually broadened and moulded through evolution. So there's something in the man almost as if he's also got some sexual straitjackets on, just like the woman has in evolution, like we have, you have the opportunity to mate. And therefore there is actually an opportunity for the man, because you could say the price of the evolution that has been seems that for many men their pleasure is primarily localised with sight and genitals and thoughts. Why woman in the feminine it can be such a full body orgasm, but it has poj. So it's actually that it doesn't have to be so localised. It doesn't have to be so localised around this kind of frustration, almost like a disturbance that builds up in him and he needs to ejaculate. There's actually an opportunity for him in that he his his sexuality is not tied up in what we can toolke it to be.
I think the listeners and viewers are curious if you can give some reference points on where that has happened. You talk about how sexuality has opened up in a big way.
Mm.
What has come up there? What have you learnt? Well, I would say there are many dark things that have had the opportunity to come up in the man when she can hold the space for him and not freak out or be afraid that the connection is broken because he falls into a hole. Then she can embrace him there. There can be, there have been, there can be fear of death, there can be fear of being consumed by the feminine, there can be many deep existential themes that can come up. come up here. But firstly, there has to be a deep curiosity. I would say that all men can practice and train themselves to hold their erection longer. Withhold ejaculation if you want to be tantric, right? Um, familiarise yourself with how female physiology works. So there are many things here, you can do that, you can do that, you can read up on that. You can practise that. So it's a skill set. So from many men now, when they haven't even taken it on, they can already become a much better lover with that.
So the first step.
Yeah, that's the first step. So that's what it means, it's like the basic package, right?
Mm-hm.
That's the basic package. And then of course there's something called ethics. Erm. In relation to understanding how the inviting pole works,
so that it's not abused.
Because you as the penetrating If you've made the basic package, you're going to open her up because you're leading her to climax. M
So that is, the more basic package you practice, the higher your integrity has to be, your ethics. So that's the next step. So this is actually where there's a bit of, well, I shouldn't dictate what men should do. So I would say to women, I wouldn't say to men, unless you're going to get her to open up to love and love her, then don't open her up sexually. So keep st the f*** away. Don't go around banging women and opening them up. The partner you choose to open up with, if you choose to. Well, you can keep opening up. Yes, you can. Almost indefinitely. And it will also mean that your own ecstasy, your own understanding, your own sexuality will change again and again and again. So if you kind of get to the basic package, you can just stay there if you're happy with that. But if you're a soul or a person who's curious about a basic bang, that's where you actually, you know, you know female physiology and you you know and then you can choose someone so you can live a great life with a partner so like the basic package it's that you've got into a woman so you love her and you choose a woman to what you would say in the basic package you will probably end up in a problem where it starts to die out where it starts at some point you're so used to each other sexually that it starts to get a bit boring umm so at some point there will be a call for something else to happen that's why many people start called open relationships or swingers or something else
Do you think he will become instrumental in some way?
Yes. The more skilled a man becomes at witnessing, getting her to ecstasy, the more he will probably want to see her variety. If she becomes narrow-spectrum, then his energy will go elsewhere.
So she has an opportunity there.
Yeah, she does.
You could say, I think what's important is that when you start to get bored together, when you both start to look elsewhere, when you start to say, uh, that was a nice arse over there, or uh, he was exciting over there. And when you start doing that and you can't put the relationship back, you start fantasising out here and you feel that this is getting a bit boring. There's nothing wrong with having it up There's nothing wrong with it. Sexuality takes everything.
Are these signs that something is wrong?
I would say if you notice there are beautiful people of the opposite sex that you think, oh how beautiful you are. How wonderful it is that there are beautiful people. Right now I'm turned on, but I don't use that turn on anymore. And I still want to be with my partner and I can surrender or focus on my partner. So the fact that I see other hot people does not interfere with this so there is nothing wrong with that. M
It's completely natural. It's perfectly natural that you
if you're a fully sexual person who has an active sexuality. Well, you can't control your sexuality, or you can't control what turns you on. You can control what you do with that turn on.
Mm.
So there's nothing unnatural that you think other people put, if the man starts having to have a fantasy to have sex with his wife, his partner, that if he has to watch porn all the time, he'd rather be with his wife, his girlfriend, his partner, if he'd rather fantasise about this busty colleague at work than be with his partner, if he'd rather do anything else sexual, fantasise, think, do anything than focus on his partner here or have to have fantasies going on.
What is it, what is it that you've learnt about men that makes them end up there?
It lacks intensity. There can be several, there can be several things.
So intensity,
he can also lie about how he doesn't really want to be in a relationship that he can't bring himself to leave. He can't figure out, he has become complacent. How many there how many reasons?
So the intensity, if we've talked a lot about how the woman is like
but what kind of intensity is it? What kind of intensity is it? Where does his own responsibility lie here?
His own responsibility lies in the fact that when he experiences something out here that's hot, you can't have, she's hot, my, I like my partner, I like the sex, while at the same time letting my, I shat piss in all corners sexually.
So what have you learnt about the next steps he needs to take to get from there and beyond?
To get,
when men take the next step from there, what does that look like?
Well, that is, that shitty sexuality in the corners or with others that actually moves away from the relationship that he has, needs to be brought back into the relationship.
That's what he needs to do.
He needs to rediscover her and she needs to rediscover him. That is, if they don't step into their respective poles and rediscover each other and bring the intensity back, it's going to keep shatpis out here.
Is it something he can do alone, or is it something that requires
No, it requires both.
Yes, it does. What does it require of him?
It requires a resounding Yes, it requires him to unwind his tendency to shatpis in all corners sexually. The only way he can gather his sexual power and realise it with a woman even if he chooses to consciously pull it back, it's only love.
Mm.
If there is no love, then it's game over. So if there's no love, there's just mutual care. We get on very well, and we have a cosy time, and we have a partnership and we pay, you know, rent together. But then you can take turns or split it up or you can play around, so it's better to go horizon.
She should realise that he has chosen to focus on you out of love for you because that is the journey you can take together. That doesn't mean there can't be all kinds of other choices.
Where does the choice lie?
Well, the choice lies in his behaviour together. With you.
Yes, it is.
It's always in his behaviour. It's in his taking responsibility.
Mm.
It's in his honesty. It's in his vulnerability.
Mm.
It's in his It's in the fact that he uses, he has the same degree actually say more, he has the same degree of persistence in the relationship as he has in relation to his job or his car or his shares or the one where you can look at him, okay, you have so much drive that you want to climb that mountain without without fire, if that's what you set your mind to.
He applies the same tenacity to his relationship with the woman he has chosen.
And it's not about whether she's the one, it's about whether he has chosen.
So he hasn't chosen it because, well, he's chosen out of love, but he hasn't chosen it for her sake.
He didn't. He chose it because you're the one I want to travel with. But
it's because
the variant of the feminine that you are, I want to travel with,
because he wants to travel with me. Or...
because he wants to. He hasn't done it out of fear, because he's afraid of being abandoned, or because, phew, he's about to cobble together a house, and that's just easier. Or it's really nice that you cook, so I can, you know, have some cosiness. out here did it, because it's important. So...
you could say that he has chosen it, I try to understand, because that's what he wants. Regardless of whether it was you or not you. So basically he wants to
Yes, it's actually
transform this up and get his heart into it
regardless and he would do that whether it was you or not you.
It would actually be a uh a similar sentence from a man that says in that place is, I want to do it with my partner because I love her. But even if she doesn't want to. If she doesn't want to go the way, if it's not her way, then I'll put her off lovingly and then I'll do it with each other. That's where it's actually not, it's not something like, it should only be her. It's the path itself that is the driving force.
Mm.
That's it, that's the path. And then you can say in some ways,
but is this about development,
because now I'm getting one of those, that this is how we use the couple fold as a development path. No, it isn't.
Is that what we're doing?
No, that's not what we're doing. Erm. Yes, that's what we're doing. No, not in that way, in the sense that you know you have to develop as the one who has been bought in soul help books. I think more or it's not something I think so if I experience it, it's almost a driving force that comes deep from the heart that almost pulls you forward that you don't have to surrender to.
M
and it's as if life, evolution, involution, whatever you want to call it, pulls so much in me to open up here and I want to do that with you. But have full respect if you don't want that or there are paths that you don't want to tread.
Mm.
Then I will set you free. But I have to go this way.
Mm.
It's more like that. It's not like that, it's not like, well, now I'm using you so I can, you know, be enlightened. I mean, it's, it's not bullshit like that.
It's not. And it comes from the heart.
Yes, it does. Deep, deep, deep, deep calling.
So there's a funny thing about, well, there's something about choosing her and loving her.
Yeah, there's that.
But there's also a higher aspect of it, right? A high frequency of it.
I would actually say there's a love call that's impersonal.
Yes, there is. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
like there and like but there is an impersonal love calling that is lived personally with someone you've chosen who wants to travel together.
Yes.
But if that journey goes wrong or she dies or whatever. Well, it can be travelled with others as well.
So in that way, it's not like that, it's not that simplistic way. Like you're the only one I can travel with. So it's not that it's too simplistic, right?
M
Shall we go round?
Mhm.
And then yes, I think the last one is more Yes. Anything else you want to say in this round?
I think the last thing I want to say is that I've been saying for many years that we've only scratched the surface in terms of understanding female sexuality.
Mm.
And I've actually come to realise that the exact same applies to male sexuality. We've only scratched the surface in terms of finding out what men and women can do together sexually.
And it's incredibly beautiful.
