Podcast E6: Woman: Understanding Your Feelings

Podcast E6 with Mette Miriam Sloth is about understanding and managing difficult emotions, especially in times of crisis. The podcast focuses on how fear, anxiety, anger, and helplessness can overwhelm us, and it provides concrete tools to regulate these emotions and regain security in a challenging situation.

• Read more

  The Biology of Emotions: The Hand Model and Survival Instincts

  The podcast uses Dan Siegel's hand model to illustrate how the brain works in relation to emotions:

  • The Reptilian Brain: Controls basic functions and survival instincts. Reacts instinctively to danger with adrenaline and cortisol, preparing the body for fight or flight.

  • The Limbic System: Connected to emotions. Generates an emotional response to the body's reaction.

  • Neocortex/Prefrontal Cortex: The thinking part of the brain that can inhibit and regulate emotions.

  In crisis situations, the prefrontal cortex can "go offline," and we react primarily from our survival instincts. This is natural and has an evolutionary purpose, but it can be problematic in a modern world where threats are often psychological rather than physical.

  Helplessness and Emotional Loops

  The podcast emphasizes that the worst feeling is helplessness. When we feel trapped in a situation without options, we "feed" the difficult emotions, and we end up in an emotional loop.

  This often happens when we try to figure out the emotions with logic or seek information that reinforces the fear. For example, by reading news or participating in discussions on social media.

  Being with the Emotions and Creating Opportunities for Action

  To manage difficult emotions, we must:

  • Be with the states: Accept that they are there, and give them space instead of suppressing them or fleeing from them.

  • Feel the emotions in the body: Focus on the physical sensations instead of the thoughts that keep us trapped in the loop.

  • Create opportunities for action: Identify areas where we can act, and focus on them instead of the things we cannot control.

  • Seek support and security: Lean into loving relationships, nature, beauty, spirituality, or other things that give us connection.

  • Find laughter: Laughter is an antidote to anxiety and can help us regulate the nervous system.

  Emotions in the Collective: Contagion and Responsibility

  The podcast points out that emotions are contagious. We are affected by the emotions of others, especially online, where negative emotions are often amplified.

  Therefore, we have a responsibility to regulate our own emotions before we contribute to the collective. We must be critical of the information we choose to consume, and make sure to protect our own peace of mind in order to act constructively.

• English transcription

  Translated transcript of the original Danish podcast

  Host: Mette Miriam Sloth

  And this lecture on women know your feelings, it's such a collection, because I've talked about many themes in different ways, and it's something I talk a lot with the women that I have in individual conspiracies about or that I have in programs. Um, so I've kind of collected it over the years, because I think there are some patterns here in relation to how it works inside women too. Um, and of course not necessarily all of them, but I think that those of you who have attended and have such possibly because you have both read the post or you have read some of the snippets of information that I have shared throughout when I announced the lecture, that it is something that you in one way or another can not recognize. Um, and the thing is, when I talk about how something is quite specific to women and something can be quite specific to men, what is meant by that? Because it's kind of predestined, is it biological, in other words, is it something that is culturally conditioned and I could give a lecture on that in itself, so I don't want to spend a lot of time on that, I'd rather just say that I observe these things recurring in a lot of women and I think there is some cultural conditioning in it, there is a hormone system in it, there is some biology in it and then there is something about how we have evolved over time to both ensure our survival but also to develop as humans, i.e. such a development of consciousness. So I will say some of the things that I see in women, that I experience both when I talk to women individually, whether they are in my intimate relationship or not, and that I also see when I help couples, I am also a couples counselor, something I see that occurs a lot in the relationship between man and woman and something that is very important to many women. Knowing that there are of course many differences. We know there are gender differences between women, men, men and women, but we also know that within the gender itself, the female gender and the male gender, there are almost several variations of behavioral differences. So we as women are also very different. And therefore, with this, it seems to be more a question of variation or how much it affects the individual woman. And the fact that many women can recognize that their emotional life is rich, I choose to say. Um, and of course you would know some other women in your family whose emotions might seem to be more wavy than your own. Uh, and you can many young women also define themselves as being so very rational and so very you know direct and calling a spade a spade. So of course there are variations here. But what I see in many women is that their emotional life takes up a huge amount of their everyday life, for better or worse. In the sense that they feel life a lot and many women experience that they feel life and their own and their own inner self in a more pronounced way and in a deeper way and in a more undulating way than their male partner. Of course, men have feelings too, of course men feel too, and of course there are also many men who feel deeply and loudly. So this is a statistical variable, you could say. So it's often the case that there are times when women feel cut off from life or when they feel depressed, that they miss feeling. It's hard as a woman not to feel. We would almost rather have chaos in our lives than not feel anything. It's pretty awful for us when we can't feel anything, when there's a kind of stagnation in the land of feeling. We would like it to be more in motion. It's very interesting. I've heard more than one man, that I've observed it like that when I've done counseling for HT couples and have experienced several times that men are very confused that a woman can be in an emotional storm and then five minutes later in a completely different state where he's like if I was like that I would stay in it so I almost had to I had to take pills to get out I had to go to a psychiatrist I had to go to a psychiatric ward I had to do something or other and all of a sudden now it doesn't matter so for many women we can easily sit down in a therapeutic situation or a therapeutic conversation and recall an emotional situation from maybe five to 10 years ago and we can recall it like this, not just understand it, but we can reference it cognitively. We can feel the state in the body. So that means in a split second, and almost all women can do that. There are some who don't process it in the same way because they function differently in the world. But a lot of women will recognize that we can very easily reawaken an emotional state in our body, and we can almost step into it. And it can be both what we call positive, but it's also very much something that we find uncomfortable. And the reason why the body remembers the nervous system notices the highest tension. So it's the most high-voltage energy running through it. And most of the most high-voltage energy running through the nervous system is either that which is very ecstatic, that is, your best orgasms, your island where you are most moved, where you are most overwhelmed by your relationship with life and then on the other hand, what has hurt the most, what has been the most shocking for you, the most transgressive or what has made you feel least alive. These are typically the conditions that the nervous system remembers best, because they are the ones that have the most impact. And that's also why I want to talk about how when we work with emotions as women, we work with integrating emotions and being able to regulate emotions continuously, that we can ride these waves of emotions and learn from them and know what someone is just a state. No, it's just a water change, it's just a little fart. It doesn't mean you have to move to Australia. And what kind of feelings are really? No, hey, this is where you really need to listen. Here your instincts are telling you to really feel good and you really need to get away from that relationship or no it's really fine now to look at changing jobs or whatever it may be because your feelings are both and that's why I've written about this as a woman it's really important to learn to use such a very sharp eye and actually also triangulate, which is actually a very boring academic concept, but really it's about comparing what you feel with other faculties in yourself, so I would always recommend as a woman to use your emotional body very actively, but practicing a maturity so that you learn, because there are actually small nuance differences in your emotions, and you can practice that in everyday life. You can actually practice becoming really good friends with your emotions in everyday life. In the sense that you can learn how they differ, what the different sensations mean. You can learn, for example, if you start to get a little bit irritated, let's say towards your partner or towards some people, where my system reacts here and there are sometimes the mind says well, what they say is actually reasonable enough but I can feel there is something that is off and it's not the right way that is, you can actually feel that energy path you can actually feel that this is not enough. It typically comes out as such a small soothing you want to turn away it doesn't have the same flavor as when you get triggered like when someone says something that triggers trauma for your own past there you will have a pretty big charge. That is, if let's say you were exposed to someone when you were a child, that you were yelled at and screamed at, that there was no room to be you. And if you then meet someone as an adult who just takes a critical approach to something you say in a meeting, i.e. who just takes a professional critical approach or something like 'I don't quite agree with that, or I could be missing something here and here and here', then sometimes you will feel a deep anger or a deep sadness that washes over you, as if you have a feeling that they don't see and hear me as who I am. Whereas if you look at it rationally, that's not actually what's going on. What's going on is really just that you're sitting in a meeting and need to get some kind of project to land. You offer something. The other party says, no, but I don't agree with this and this and this. I have a different perspective on it. And that's why it's sometimes so crazy hard to navigate the world, because sometimes it's hard just to sit in a meeting because it can trick everything in us. And it's beyond this, you could say, this thing about learning to accept constructive criticism, it's not quite, it's not quite enough, because if we're tricked by something, and that's why we can use our emotions both to honor fragments, it can be both soul fragments of past lives, Now not everyone is into that terminology. Um, if you are, then you'll resonate with it, and if you're not, well, then it doesn't resonate, so just leave it. Or also the fact that we actually go in and bring fragments home. We actually go in and retrieve fragments from situations or parts of us that are frozen in time. Because that's actually what happens. What happens when we experience a situation, especially so when we were children or younger, where we get shocked or you know, we get like that, we get in shock maybe being yelled at or not being seen, not being met, having our boundaries violated, where we don't have the strength. We don't have the maturity to speak up. We don't have the ability to speak up. Then what actually happens is what is somewhere inside of us. There is an energetic imprint inside us. There is that freeze. And that freezing happens in the nervous system to try to protect you right there. But the side effect of that freezing or that little shutdown is that there is no longer movement in the energy. And when there's no movement in the energy, there's no development. And that means that you will experience yourself acting quite immature. In other words, you experience that you meet a person who says something that isn't really very critical, but you experience it as an extremely strong criticism of you. In other words, there is no connection between what the person says and how you feel. As a rule of thumb, you can always be pretty sure that a wound has been activated in you. There has been one of these frozen moments, whether it's a past life or whether it's epigenetics, which is actually a scientific way of looking at what we have actually handed down for generations, which is played out through us because it is unresolved or it has somehow been frozen in time and has been inherited or is it something that is for this life where you can say when you, uh, in your childhood home from your school days whatever you may be so we will all have it. We will all have situations where we are tricked by a situation by a person where we feel we have a very large emotional charge on something that seems to be a hill For those of you who also feel that work around children, it is also called broken cookie in children. It's when they have a very big reaction to a small brown spot on a banana, for example, or a huge reaction to their favorite pants being washed. And this doesn't necessarily mean that when children do it, that it's related to a major trauma, it's typically because their nervous system is so full that they can't release so much stress or tension in their nervous system that they have to find some kind of trigger to release it. And it's kind of the same thing that happens in a situation. So this might make it a little easier for you when you're in a situation where you suddenly find yourself sitting in a meeting and something is said that your system interprets as a threat or as something that is extremely dangerous or as something that you have to set an extremely hard limit in relation to, but which another part of you can see doesn't really make sense. This is also why we sometimes have a very violent reaction to some people who don't really deserve it, but the feeling is valid enough. So the feeling you experience that is in your system is real. It's just typically it's just been frozen. From one situation at a different time. And that's why it gets pushed up. Uh-huh. And that's actually what happens in life, is that things that we have that are kind of lying around that are frozen or that are lying around as blockages. Actually if you work with energy you can see these emotional blocks or mental blocks depending on what the llama is, you can actually see them directly as blocks in the energy body. And you can work to dissolve them, where you can also feel the flow coming through. And that's why I work so much, whether you're into energy or gear work or not. So that's often where we work so much with regulating emotional energy. So regulating those states where you can feel your system contracting. Because what we've done collectively, the way we've gone about it when we've been tricked. And these feelings that pop up like I feel angry, I feel scared, I feel you know my sunscreen is clenching, I can't say anything, my throat is clenching. It's actually, how do we get these cramps to loosen up again to get the energy going again. And that's why I talk so much about regulation. That's why I talk so much about helping children with it. Because the more we help them to have a natural release when they are under pressure and contract, that they also get the opposite release, where they are allowed to let go, and we support them in that, then we actually start to change the whole way we have conditioned humans and also women to handle emotions and handle shock and stress and everything else. And that will make it much easier to get the energy flowing again. And it will increase well-being. It will make it easier for you to know who you are. It will make it easier for you to speak up in life. We have all sorts of very, very nice positive side effects. Um, and that's why when I talk about things like that, instead of going in and talking about things like that, talking about self-esteem and talking about happiness and talking about all these things, it's better to go in and talk, what are the mechanics behind why we can feel cut off from all these things? And having said that, the ideal is not to have such a, you know, a system and an energy system that just stands there and is totally flowing through, and it's just enormously static. You can have that periodically. But as long as you're in a human body and you're in situations where other people are involved, you will sometimes bump into something that activates something with your children, with your partner, with your in-laws, with your own parents, with colleagues. It simply can't really be avoided. So it's not something you should be afraid of. So one of the things that I actually say, the most important part of what I'm talking about today is actually going from having such a to can feel my, I can feel my limitation. I can feel myself shutting down, I can feel myself being scared. I can feel myself getting furious, I can feel all kinds of things, to actually becoming more curious, going from it's something we should avoid to, I don't want it, I want it to stop, oh I wish it wasn't so that we can change it to being curious, that we're a bit more curious, oh, how interesting. So if you can just go from, let's say too many women will experience this when you're in a meeting. Now I'm just using a work context. It could also be, it could also be that you're with a meeting group or a home care group. It's not that you're in a context with other people where a situation arises where you feel it's difficult to stand by who you are. You become afraid to say what you mean and think. You're afraid of being mocked, ridiculed, but you're afraid of being too much. It may be that being too much can be different, what lies behind it. And or you feel that the others are crowding in on you. You feel like they're pushing their views down on you or criticizing you a lot for the view you have. It's one of the hardest parts of human interaction. How do I stand strong there? How do I stand there and have respect for who you are? is at the same time that I stand strong in my own beliefs. It's really fucking hard. And that's one of the things I say to women all the time, because women feel like, I'm weak, I should be able to figure it out. Why am I so scared? And why is it so hard to speak your mind, and why is it so uncomfortable when other people say something about my opinions? And here's the first thing I want to say, this is the hard part. There's something paradoxical in this community space, that we are also a community. We are enormously nourished together with other people, but we are also enormously tricked together with other people. And of course, it's different. So sometimes it's about the fact that there are simply some people we move away from. Some people are so damaged by the wrong word, but are so caught up in unconscious patterns, so caught up in fight and flight, so caught up in survival that they end up crossing boundaries again and again and again and again. They're going to crowd in on you. They're going to try to shove their ideologies down your throat. They will try to tell you how to live your life because they're scared shitless themselves, but they don't have a grip on the fear. They don't have a grip on the fear. So to try and they see that the more fear you have that you're not aware of, you don't bring home, fear of life, because life can be really real, it's a big mouthful to be a human being. So the more you meet people who are in fear and who see things very black and white, the more they will try to make you fit into the puzzle to try to make themselves safe. And that might help you a little bit because it can be very disgusting to be around people who are very much into you and who uh aren't really curious to know who you are and what your opinions are, but who are more busy trying to make you think and be the way they are. Um, and you'll find a lot of them. And you will also find these aspects in yourself. You'll experience situations where you're actually going to crowd other people, where you're trying to get them to be the way you are, because then the world opens up more. The world becomes a safer place. You think, if only they were like me, then we wouldn't have war. We wouldn't have whatever it was. And that's the thing about us as humans, we're actually very different. We have a very big one. There are so many things we have in common, but there are also but we have very different forms of diversity there are many different forms of expression and to have the free will to navigate it it also increases the tension between us and the level of conflict between us so that's why you can find that you can both find it hugely enriching and hugely inspiring hugely nourishing and ecstatic to be with other people where there's just a frequency in that kind of merges together as well as it can be almost destructive destructive draining ops times to be with other people. And that's why the trick is really that we all have to learn to deal with this, and we have to learn to become good at discerning, okay, this collaboration or this group of people that I'm with here, hm, it's damn hard, because sometimes you can say, you can choose when you do your job properly, you can choose to say, okay, these people, I wish them all the best, but I can see that it's not very healthy for me to be with them. We don't move, we don't create anything together. We just think that way and there are many areas we have to avoid or we end up in conflict. And if there's no progression, if there's no curiosity to develop together there, then it can become very instigating. So there will be some people you can let go of in your heart or let go and say, but I wish you all the best on your path, and I don't know your path, so I'll judge you there. But I can see that it doesn't do much for us. It's a kind of weird mutual dependency. So let's rather set each other free there. So it's a path where you can sometimes clean up your social circle with love. Then, of course, there's also the fact that you're not in a business or self-employed or as a homemaker or whatever it may be, you're in different settings where there will be people you have to relate to. Um, and it can sometimes seem really annoying when you think if that person just doesn't work exactly where I worked, or if that person wasn't in the island group where I walk with my child, or whatever it might be, right? And the way you can take the curiosity away, it's something about how we have to learn to use friction between people for something that doesn't overwhelm us so much, so we can become a little more curious about it. And it can be just like knowing why that person triggers me so much. We often end up spending a lot of time talking about people we don't like with other people we agree with. Then we make alliances like you and me against them. They are also such a r********. And that's why there are so many in sladerblad. Well, you could say see and hay and the extra magazine and stuff like that. It's very us and them and drama drama drama drama drama and and we have a side of being human that is enormously drama-filled so we can create a lot of drama. But what you can really use it for is, well, okay, interestingly enough, this human thing does a lot for me. And the first place you can start here, if you get really tricked, if you get a lot of emotions in relation to a person, it's actually that you can work on this, what is it that it awakens in me? And it can be just like that, I personally think it arouses a lot of anger in me. It makes me anxious about speaking my truth and my views. And you can actually follow the emotions in you. And the way that I work with women to do this is that when you're in a situation with a person that triggers you and your intimate partner also tricks you tremendously. Your children will trick you. It's actually the most difficult relationships. It's parenting. It's parenting. And then it's uh and then the intimate partner role. And the reason they're so difficult is because you're there all the time. You can have a colleague who's annoying as hell and a manager who's annoying as hell, but sometimes you can kind of go on and off. You can say now I don't want to look at emails for that person and now I'm home from work I'm not going to deal with it. It's not like that with your intimate partner. And it's not because our intimate partner and our children trigger us all the time. But the likelihood of a conflict arising where we can get some feelings pushed up is just significantly higher because we're under the same roof with them. So that's why we have sex with them, which kind of gives us another huge level in terms of pushing things up. So it's just about being aware that things will come up that we all have to learn to deal with. And in dealing with this with people, you can be curious enough to say, okay, I'll use this to bring home what triggers me the most. So if there's a person who triggers you, you can almost use it as a kind of manual, which of course will adapt to your situation. Because again, it's about learning to look at your emotions, what's what in this hairball of discomfort? What what what in the discomfort is about is that I have that it mirrors something from my childhood that hasn't been healed. What this hairball is about is that the person is actually a little bit transgressive. What this hairball represents is that I don't really know that this person is so different to me, so I really have to be on my toes in terms of figuring out how the hell I navigate in a collaboration with a person who is very different. And we have different personality types, so there are some people you'll feel you move faster with, and some people you almost have a magnetic attraction to, and some you have the opposite. Almost a repulsion, a magnetic repulsion, where you have a kind of, okay, I just don't know how the hell to deal with you, because we're so different. So you can see, there are already many, many learning opportunities in relation to working with this when you are triggered by a person. And that's where you can start, that's where I would suggest you start in terms of relating to What's going to be the trick for you is to actually start by saying, okay, when I'm with this person, don't do it, do it when you're away at first, do it when you're out of the person's field. It can be so, and you have a quiet moment where you know, husband is sleeping and children are sleeping and all that, and the dog is being looked after, or you can make sure you have a little bit of alone time, and then you actually sit and watch because as a woman, you have this capacity to recall the emotional discomfort that is aroused for example with a human. It's much harder for men. Some men may say But it's like for the man it's much harder. That's also why we see that many men actually drop out of talk therapy, because sitting on a chair and talking about feelings with another person and trying to rebalance them and stuff like that. For a lot of men, it doesn't make any sense at all. So a lot of therapists are actually starting to be very, you know, like throwing a ball through the calf or going for walks with men, because it seems that men actually get a better grip on their emotional memory if they are in motion. It can easily be the same for you as a woman. So take a moment to consider how do you function best? For many women, it's not a problem to sit down and sit down on your pet and then just think of a situation that is uncomfortable with a human being about to be tricked and then you would feel your whole system would be flooded with that sensation if it works like that for you then you can use it if it if you if it doesn't really work for you if you are also because many women get us best if they are in motion then you may actually be walking in the woods if you do this work. So you can actually do it when you're moving. The most important thing is really just figuring out how you have put this together. How you access it best and then the art is actually here the art is If you imagine this, this is the brain, and when this goes off, then we are then we are then we are floated by the feeling. We are then deeply identified with anger, with failure, with powerlessness or whatever it may be. When this is on, it may well be that this is why you can actually feel it. You can feel it in your body, no phew, that wasn't a very unpleasant feeling. But I can be in it. I can, I can observe it without being completely taken over by it. So it's also called a window of tolerance in that you actually train your system to be able to be in an uncomfortable feeling without having to either put a lid on it by eating a lot of food or whole chocolate or you have to be constantly in motion to try not to feel it. If you practice when you sit down or go for a walk, consciously turning your focus inward to be with a state, you're actually training your system to be with an uncomfortable state. And this is extremely beneficial for your nervous system. It's deeply uncomfortable for your nervous system but it's hugely beneficial because you've been conditioned. You've been taught that you have to cramp up to not feel anything that is painful. But we actually have to go to the point where we have to breathe in again. In that painful thing. Because when we breathe into it, we don't contract. Because that contraction, when we try to avoid that painful thing, that's what causes the energy to stagnate. It makes the blockage energy field. That's what makes you get this, this frozen moment where the maturation is blocked, the development is blocked, and then it will just be your system, every time you're in a situation that tastes a little bit human, that system will do this. And it can be a hassle, because it can be difficult to be in a workplace, because there can always be different types of people. There may be some situations with your partner that you never seem to be able to get back. from, because your system does this, you know. So that's why it can be hugely beneficial to learn how to breathe into a state. Because when you do that, the energy passes and it has the opportunity to be in motion, and then we avoid all this blockage hell, which really, if we look at it technically, when I do energy work, I can see these blockages, so I'm really just a craftsman. I mean, you know, it's really just like that, it's really just like, well, there's a little blockage there, and then there's a little n but then it's a little bit crooked there, and then we get it straightened out, and then you'll feel the flow in the body again until next time. You know, it's loosened up, we become aware of it, and then we can go back in life and try to say, well, maybe I can do something different next time. But a lot of it, especially the female body is typically quite good at circulating energy, so you can get a lot of help through energy work, hypnosis, therapy, island, trauma release, so many variations. And you will probably have already tried many or something in relation to getting help with this to land that painful thing, but you can actually also use daily life, and you can actually also do a lot yourself, but just by slowing down or in movement focus on what is uncomfortable. And then what is uncomfortable, you do this, where you just ask your body. You focus on where in your body the discomfort is, how does it feel, and where is it located? And often they can be in all sorts of places. So you saw it like that, but often, I'm just saying statistically speaking, you will often feel that something is located in the solar plexus, around the abdominal region, a little further down, right by the uterus, so you actually feel as if it feels almost like summer contraction of the uterus, um, the whole uterus or the whole lower abdomen tightens up or in the stomach. You can also sometimes feel the heart chakra, so it's as if it's closing or it's cramping and then also often and often especially if it's the solar plexus you will also be able to feel it in the half chakra it's often survival because too often if we believe we believe in our survival whether it's imaginary or not but if that's what our system locks when we are tricked there then there is often a connection with us also locking in our throat because it's like I dare not say I dare not say anything here. If I feel threatened, I dare not say anything. And that's why there are often two locks here. So the trick is to think of a situation where you were triggered. And it was a good idea that often you there are different situations that trigger us, but we typically have some main patterns. We typically have some main themes in our life. So you will, when you sit like this and go through your relationships, where you say, okay, the people that I get a little insecure or get tricked, or I do something, you will be able to come up with a pattern. You'll be able to see a pattern of that kind of hm M okay. I can see that one of the things that triggers me the most is the fear of being abandoned, or the fear of being done wrong, or the fear of crossing boundaries. I mean, we all have some of that. There's none of that, including me. We all have some of that. Um, and we can also make it a little more common in human terms. It doesn't necessarily make it easier or less painful, but sometimes you think you're broken. When I feel like this, I must be weak, there must be something wrong with me that can never be fixed. And it's simply more a side effect of a long evolutionary journey on a rather dangerous earth, or at least where there have been dangerous circumstances and the fact that we are both a mammal, a mammalian body with consciousness and that it is evolving with some free will mixed in many bodies. So it's both enormously magical and wonderful and there is a unique potential for love. But my goodness, how we can also hurt each other. We can really hurt each other. Um, and you will have experienced being hurt. And you would have experienced that you would hurt others even when you didn't mean to. Um, so then there's something here, and it's something we have to bring home, and something we have to be, it's simply part of being human. And it's the part of being human that is perhaps the hardest to bear. And part of learning how to carry it, it's actually starting to get better at squinting, but what is it that I encounter? Especially as a woman, because you have a very finely tuned emotional body. So you will typically feel life a lot. And sometimes you will also have an experience where you feel life so much that it's overwhelming. And here I would say one of the things you can practice is to know what it is you're feeling, why and how you get it to land so that you don't every time you have one, you can sometimes know if I have a meeting with that person or if I bump into that person or if my mother-in-law calls or something, you can sometimes think like I'll throw up for two weeks depending on how the conversation went, so it's really that you can learn to handle relationships in a way where you stand without necessarily attacking, but where you still stand in a way where you have very clear boundaries and where you're no longer so drained on the other side. And one of the ways to get there is to actually turn your gaze inward and first figure out, okay, in this extreme discomfort that arises with these people or these types of people or these types of situations, what and what. And then when you focus in, you find out where the tension is in your body, then you can start breathing through it. A little bit you have to imagine can feel just as uncomfortable as if you've got a cramp in your calf muscle and you actually have to you want to cramp up even more, but you know you actually have to go against the cramp and go the other way even though it's extremely painful in order to almost straighten out the cramp it's a bit the same with these so you actually have to go against the immediate impulse that is in the nerve to cramp further around what is uncomfortable to actually kind of open up and breathe it can even be that you move the body so you then you you you you become you actually merge a little with the discomfort while you witness it and you oxygenate it you actually breathe into it, and then you throw awareness at it with your with with your cognitive awareness. Okay, state, what is this about? Okay, this feels extremely uncomfortable. I don't know what it is. And then you sit with that discomfort. Sometimes you feel discomfort. Then it's hard to say what it is. It feels like a hairball of nausea of, I don't know what it is. But sometimes when you sit with it, it starts to be like: “Hey, hey, I'm actually angry. I'm actually furious.” And you know, and then like that hair kind of unwraps itself and shows itself in multiple facets, and you slowly start to say, okay, so this situation that I'm in now. It awakens some rage. Whenever rage is aroused, it's not typically about setting boundaries as a rule of thumb. It's typically because you've felt prevented from setting a boundary or that it hasn't been too dangerous to set a boundary or that your boundary hasn't been respected. Because there is an anger in the nervous system in fight-flight, there is an authentic anger in saying stop this no longer. And it often comes with a delay. So it doesn't necessarily mean that you didn't set a boundary with that colleague in that meeting. It may well be that the colleague reminded you of a boundary you could have set for a child, or they may remind you that it's the way that colleague talks. Maybe the person speaks a little more bombastically, maybe the person is a little more square than you are. And it's that demeanor without that because they're not out to get you. It's just, it's just the person's way of being, so there's nothing more to it. But for you, if you've experienced it at a time when it's been uncomfortable for you, it can be enough to arouse this anger. The problem Bart, if you take all this anger out on this coworker, then the coworker will feel violated, because I haven't, I'm not out to get you, I'm not angry at you at all. I'm, I'm, I'm just talking about how I see things, you know. And then there's a clash there. And it's not that conflict is so dangerous. The problem is just that the conflicts are rarely resolved. Because if the conflict is up here, if you get furious with your colleague, you're inappropriate, you speak badly to me or just him and the person is like that, I don't do that. I recognize that you hear it, but that's not what I do. It's just the way I talk, you know. But if the pain actually lies here, if the cause of it actually lies down here, then we don't get a grip at all. So that's why it can be good if you have doubts when you meet some people about whether I can feel I'm being tricked, but I'm actually a little unsure why. I'm not sure if they are genuinely transgressive. I'm actually in doubt about whether I should really talk about their worse behavior. Because sometimes people are transgressive in a way where we actually have to speak up. But if you're in doubt about whether it's their behavior we need to set a limit for, or if it's something old in you, then it may be appropriate to withdraw from the situation, leave it for a while and just go in and do this work and say, okay, what the hell is this? When you feel the anger, for example, go back to it and you sit in a situation and recall a situation when you feel the anger, so you don't get images or sensations of where it comes from. And here, you may actually feel that the anger is actually directed at that person in that meeting. Then you might think, okay, I need to have a conversation with this person about the fact that this and this behavior, there's something in this collaboration that's not working. So you might find out like this, no, but the anger actually comes from there. So now I get the anger out, and then I find a way to talk about these things that comes from somewhere other than direct anger. But it may also be that the anger that comes up actually reminds you of something you just got an image of your father or your mother or the or some things you experienced when you were a child. In other words, the association to it comes from somewhere else. It may also be, which I have experienced because I'm talking about these past lives, that sometimes I experience, I have experienced myself and others have. They get images of seeing themselves in a situation. It can be medieval times, it can be anything. And it's not so much about whether it's objective, true or not. I'm not that interested in that. This thing that I have to go out and prove that there have been previous lives. But what I find really interesting is what kind of images emerge when we do this work. And even more so what comes out on the other side. And that's where I've sometimes seen that past conflict energy, deep pain energy has actually released when this work is made to say hey there's an anger here. Phew there are some images coming up. I get scared. I see myself a little dead or whatever the hell it might be. There's a series of associations. And it's not something your mind can handle. It's simply some images that come up. And it's not so important why. It's more important that the states of emotions that can come up that when they kind of become when you allow those emotions to be there circulating rather than hugging together about it, you will feel the emotions withdraw again. And on the other hand, you may feel a little shocked by what you've seen or you may feel tired and feel like you're somewhere else. And that's actually why you can actually do a lot of emotional healing work in your daily life. You need help with something. Sometimes it's something about being witnessed also with some traumas regardless of what life they are from or whether it's eternal genetic grass whatever the hell it is some traumas are so deep and we have it my experience is we all have a small handful of themes maybe a little less it's a little different and if it depends a bit on how much you've been told what kind of soul you are and what you should have and stuff like that but we all experience that we have some main themes that can be like where you will be able to see there is a condition that goes away and it can be like that it can be the fear of not being seen when not to be seen or the fear of not being loved or so there are typically some themes that come in different forms that you can sometimes work on deeper levels with and here it can be beneficial to also work therapeutically and work with healing and in other ways what kind of things so modalities that suit you and work with, but you can also do really really really a lot of everyday life because also some of that you know, you know, the kind of everyday interaction you've had with your partner where you get tricked, you can do the same thing if you where you suddenly pull away and you're just sitting by I look at one of, that you can say, no, I'm sorry, I just needed to be held today. I just, I could just feel that I was vulnerable. I can feel that I'm close, close to my period. I just feel like I had, you know, I feel alone, or I'm suddenly having to make decisions about the next stage of my life. Uh, and that's why I didn't really get very angry about something, how you put things in the dishwasher, what the hell can you be, right? And you can't come back and talk, because then I would have just said, okay, sorry, I got angry, I just needed to do, I had, I really needed you to give me a hug. I need you to read my mind and see that I needed love. But instead, I bit you because I was all tender, you know. So when we do the work here, we find out, we dare, we dare to go in and track the state of the body. Where is it sitting? We dare to breathe into it. What is this thing telling me? And we dare to go down into the vulnerability and grief. Then it's much easier to go back to our loved ones, where we've just had a conflict and take responsibility for our part. And it's also much easier to go back and say to our partner if we think they have been transgressive and just go back and say, okay, I've reflected on this, and I've felt after I could say the way you spoke to me was hugely destructive for me. Um. And or the point of view or whatever it was, I could just feel it was uh it was really hurting me deeply. But you're speaking from a different place because you're not speaking in effect. Because when we go back and work with the conditions, we're not in effect. And when we're not in effect, we manage to speak from a vulnerable place. And when we speak from a vulnerable place, we're much more likely to awaken our partner's heart because what happens is when one of us attacks, we counterattack. It's very typical that we do this because our nervous system wants to protect us. The problem is that attack energy begets attack, which begets attack, which begets attack. That is, you can stand there and say some truths to each other, but it comes with so much attacking energy. And in that, when, well, we come from there, the system doesn't want to listen. That is, when you feel attacked by your partner, you don't listen to what he says. What happens is that you feel the attack, and then you will go in and defend yourself, and he will do the same. So that's why in situations you don't feel like you're getting anywhere. Uh, even though you actually think that some of the things that have been said have some kind of validity in them, have truths in them, but they're just being delivered in such an energy that it can only make more attacks. But that's why sometimes it's better to step back, reflect, turn things around and just say, okay, we're getting to a place where we start yelling and screaming at each other. Let's do a time out where we each go to our own place and just do this work. And I highly recommend this to men as well. So simply this thing where you go in and say okay, what was my contribution here? And what was the feeling that tricked you? So what was it that it awakened? And it's also often when you get hold of anger and underneath anger there is often sadness. Very very often grief. Very, very deep heartbreaking sadness that can be just like, I didn't feel loved the way you saw me or the way you spoke to me. And if it comes from a demand in anger and like you don't love me. Then the person can also say I fucking do. How the hell can you say that? Because if it comes from down here. I could just feel right there I felt into it it woke up everything everything in my system that felt unloved you know there you can color each other because we are welcome to trick things up in each other now it was a situation with a partner where we also talked about it only it could be a meeting. But if you experience it with a person who triggers you in a meeting situation then also just sit and do your homework and find out what's in this because if you find out just like no how interesting I can see that I trigger too wildly on that person because we look at the world very differently it triggers me it makes me nervous I start doubting my own views. Because sometimes, very interestingly, sometimes we question our own point of view because another person is very strong in theirs, but without them really pushing themselves. They just say, no, I see it this way. It's up to you, but this is how I see it. Sometimes it can feel like a transgression, but it's actually not. Where it becomes transgressive is when the other person says, this is how it is, and tries to get you to eat it. This is how it works. So pushing, arguing all the time that you have to look at it from their point of view. So very tyrannical. We can all fall into that. And it's very unpleasant to be exposed to. It's also quite uncomfortable to be exposed to an ambulance. So it can be quite nice to find out, okay, this is actually because I feel that the person is trying to pressure me and so on and to buy into their worldview or project view or whatever it is. Or is it actually more about me experiencing that the person has very different values than I have or sees things very differently. So you saw but I can see that the person is not actually trying to get me to take in his or her worldview. It just triggers me to be with another person who is so different. And here there are many women and men, I wouldn't say sensitive men, I wouldn't say I don't like that term, but let's say men, who also feel a lot. Here you can sometimes say that it gets so uncomfortable that I withdraw. And you can sometimes feel that you're so sensitive that you can't be in the world. And I can't, there are only certain types of people I can handle being with, and I can't handle it if there are too many people. And there's definitely, we have different sensitivities, our nervous system. And we're also, it's also different how introverted we are, how extroverted we are. So, it can be quite important to find out how you are coded here, what you thrive on. But at the same time, it's also beneficial for the system to say, okay, I would actually like to be able to be able to handle not going to a lot of big concerts, and I don't want a job where I have to be around people, but I would actually like to be able to handle being around people when we have to do something together that's very different for me without me puking for a week or 14. And you can do that. You can get there. And that's the trick is actually to pick out different aspects of this hairball and say hm okay the mega trick or I got mega upset I started I got mega insecure and there it can be like okay what did it the person was very strong in their convictions I felt as if the person was looking to find holes in my point of view and that can feel really uncomfortable sometimes you can use it as a springboard to say okay I got insecure when I acted she said this and this and that about my own perspective which made me want to deflect I didn't want to go further down that road. Sometimes we can actually use it as something hugely positive, because if you're challenged on something in your own point of view, you can be like, maybe I should just I should just where sometimes it can be like, hey, I know, have I ever thought about that? Have you ever thought about how those pieces fit into my picture? So, sometimes meeting people who are very different from yourself can challenge your ideology or your worldview in such a way that it can actually be beneficial. It can actually shake things up, so to speak. It can both make you become more like no, I can still feel that I don't agree with that. I actually don't think it's appropriate, but I couldn't actually answer those questions. So I think I'll just reflect on it. Not because I have to convince the person, but because I'm actually stronger myself. That is, if I find myself in a similar situation where people ask about my position, I would actually like to have the opportunity to answer in a way where I can stand strong in myself. So in that way, it's hugely beneficial. It's hugely beneficial to be with people that you're very different from at times. It would be hard for you to be that all the time, and you don't have to be. I mean, you can, sometimes you just want to be with people where you just kind of blend in. Um. And it's wonderful and beautiful and just enjoy it. But it can be a good uh it's a good practice sometimes to be with exposing yourself to people that you're very different from. Of course, not if they are crossing the line. So if you're in a situation where you actually find out okay you've done your homework you've gone in the hairball doesn't become the trick there and it's my own and I take care of it and so I get you know I get to breathe into it. I get to find marks and I get to cry or I get to communicate or I get what comes up at the same time as I find wow I'm really different for that person and you then also see plus wow the person is really very transgressive sometimes you will find out when you do this work you start to get curious about what the difference is that the person is fucking transgressive and you actually have to say no here can be some people are so transgressive and unfortunately they are fueled by the struggle. Um and if you're in a workplace with someone who is constantly conflict-seeking and who feeds the struggle and who constantly pushes your boundaries, you're in a situation where I would say sometimes it can be so sometimes I've counseled women so simply another job where we have assessed the person and it's not because I have to go over and analyze the person I don't know the person so it's not a it's not because we sit and and slander the person but we relate to the person's behavior and with the fragments I kind of get because it relates to okay when that behavior you have try to set limits where others have set limits the person is still there and so okay that means you have to enter into a relationship with this person but I can see that it will stress your system sometimes interaction with some people who are very right in their behaviors and who do not change. And being with them both as partners and as coworkers can be incredibly debilitating. And there can be some times where it can be sometimes be more beneficial simply now I've done I've simply done my homework. I have done my part. I have talked to the person. I have been rumbling. I've been borderline. I've kind of tried it all. But the person keeps pushing themselves or keeps taking up so much negative space that I have to do this work all the time to get back on track. Here it can be appropriate to say, can I be in a situation where I no longer have to interact with that person? So you can say it's a huge spectrum of things, where and this and that and the trick is, when you stand here and get tricked, you don't yet know what the hell is up and down in it. It's hard to know because sometimes we see people who are incredibly transgressive who are actually not. And sometimes we see some people who are truly transgressive, but they're so manipulative that we don't actually see it. But your system tells you that. They your system tells you for it in the way that you will always be a little drained. You'll be confused on the other side. You feel like you're being taken for a ride, you feel like you're being taken for a ride, and you and you have this weird connection that there's something off in this relationship. So it's more to say that the main point, this long number, is that what you feel tells you something. What you feel tells you something important. So what you feel should be used as a guide, but it can tell you something different. And that's why I would always recommend that you don't just Sometimes you're so clear when you get better at recognizing the difference between the different things you feel, the more you'll be able to translate it in real time, you'll be able to feel, let's say, that someone is asking about a job, job offer or a project offer. You can just feel, I can see, if I look at it rationally, it would be a damn good idea, but I can just feel that I shouldn't. Uh, and sometimes it's just there, you go with it, no, I shouldn't. Or you know, you'll just feel it there. But other times, you know, that hesitation could be that because is it because I'm afraid I'm going to learn something new, is it because I'm afraid I'm going to leave the old and not know what the new is, you know. So this is again this question, what the hell is it that I feel when I feel resistance? So that's why, but the more you practice, the more you do this, every time you feel something in you, you sit down and have a lot of respect for what you feel, but you also have a little ice in your stomach so that you don't immediately think, I have resistance, uh, I don't want to have anything to do with you, or I have resistance, I don't want to have anything to do with you, or the project to do, you just feel what the hell is this about, because the work, when you do it continuously, it becomes like brushing your teeth, then you just get used to good. Hey, now I'm sensing something, I need to go in and feel it. I can't land the damn thing right now, but then I need to feel a little more. A little more needs to happen. I need to spend a little more time with the person or investigate a little more and feel a little more. Because then you compare what you feel with your intellect, and you compare it with the data you have, your life experience, and then it's much more likely that the choices you make will hit the mark. Uh, and in that I want to come over to what is called perf or what many women struggle with, which is perfectionism, which is huge, which is basically underneath it there is a deep deep fear of falling on your ass, making wrong choices. And this and this and this is actually a little bit related to that, because as women we have many connections on both hemispheres, so we are very good at seeing all kinds of energy goods. We are very good at seeing many possible outcomes. But the problem is that the many possible outcomes we can see can make it difficult for us to choose. Because we're afraid, is this the right choice? And there I will, how do I know you? Are you that crazy? Where sometimes I'm in a place where I'm like, I can't make a choice, I can't make, I have to make a choice, I can't make a choice. And I'm just like, and that's how, you're so stuck. It's incredibly disgusting for your energy system because this thing about there's no, when you're like this, there's no, there's no flow in anything. So it's really a draining place to stand. Sometimes we have to face some big life decisions. Should I leave my partner? Should I not leave him? You know, should I have kids? Should I have more children? So there are big decisions in life where we have to go back and forth a bit. But other times, the decision is a little less important, and I would actually say that, as a general rule, it's actually more important that we make a decision. So when you're in a place where you're scared shitless to make a decision because you're afraid of making the wrong choice, it's something about again, going in and working with the emotional state that is on it. And you go in and there it may be that you get a deep, deep fear of making the wrong choice and it may be that you almost have a feeling that you have experienced at some point that the choices you made were very fateful was if we go back and look at that we are also whether we talk reincarnation or not, we have to say in our lies the sum of the entire evolutionary journey. When we go back and look at history, should I go with those people? Should I not go with those people? Should I can I leave my child here? I can't leave my child here. So at some point we have made choices. Um, do I dare to walk down the dark street or do I dare not walk down the dark street? As a woman, it can have had major consequences. Uh, and it still has, if we look at the world today. We live in a really safe place on the globe right now. But therefore, we have to say that our system has also been conditioned by everything that has happened throughout history. So not to say that something old should prevent you from being able to act today. But it's more about having an understanding of it. Sometimes there can be a deep fear of having to make a choice that your rational mind can. After all, it makes no sense. If it turns out to be the wrong job, you just find the other one. But your system locks up. Your system goes like this: I can't make this choice at all, I dare not make this choice. It feels like if I make a choice, I'll die. So I have to be 100% sure. And that's where it's about both going in and loosening that lock. It doesn't mean that you're suddenly all, ah, now I know exactly what to choose. But it does mean that you can feel that deep down, and you can feel, okay, I'm still, I'm not worried. I can still be worried that I'm making the wrong choice, and I can still be worried that it's leading me down roads I can't control. But now I dare to make that choice. So one of the most important things in a decision-making process is that you actually move the energy in small steps. So if you don't feel brave enough, if you feel there's still too much pressure to make the final choice, start preparing yourself for it. So it could be if you say, I need to move, I live in this place, I want to live somewhere. But you can't see, I don't see how you have the finances for it. You can't see how, but you don't have anything. I mean, if you have to find some kind of job, and there's a school for your children, I don't know. If you can see that okay, you can feel that this is what needs to happen, but the way to get there seems completely unmanageable, because you're like, I can't, what the hell do I do? And you start with the small steps and you do it in order to get the energy going. So you know you're moving, you don't know when yet, and there are a lot of things that need to fall into place. Then you start with the things you can do something about. You clean up the basement. So, you simply start to say, okay, I'll start with the things that are tangible. So the more overwhelming a decision is in your life and the more overwhelming your decision is to your nervous system, you start taking small steps, and then you're disciplined, and then you maintain those small steps because then your system gets in. Okay, I start going in the direction of, you know, and then you actually start allowing the energy to stay in circulation because if it stagnates completely, that's when there's this weird nomnes and completely depressive state where you get all muddy and you can't see any way out. So the most important thing is that when you get overwhelmed by the fear of failure, perfectionism or the fear of making wrong choices, it's actually saying, okay, what small steps can I do now to move towards making that final decision? And then if there's something we're incredibly bad at, it's because we have a nervous system that's constantly or we have a mind that's very geared towards new things that we need to explore, but it's that you forget how far you've already come. You often forget that you've been in situations where you've been terrified, where you've faced something challenging in the past that when you look back you're like okay, but two years ago I had to make this decision and it was crazy. Now I can see it completely landed. I've moved, or I you know something. So while you're taking small steps towards making a decision, it's also about remembering back again, sitting down and thinking back, because women are typically really good at thinking back on what was the last big, very difficult thing you had to do in your life, which really feels like a huge minefield, and so you had to take small steps, and it was just like, I'll never finish it, because you've finished it. Because the funny thing is that as soon as we finish something that was difficult, it's as if our mind is already shifting to focus on the next thing that's difficult to reach the goal. And then we kind of forget about the whole, hey, I didn't do that. There you go. How the hell did I do that? And sometimes when you look back, you also realize that, interestingly enough, things work out. It was a bit like that if I sometimes had a bit of ice in my stomach, then there was that V who just mentioned something that was an opportunity to do something and then things fell the right way. So it's also this thing about things that sounds like such a cliché, that things will work out in time. And they won't if you just sit and cramp together. Nothing will happen then. But if you actively work with your fear understanding that you dare to breathe into it not to make you go away. It's not that you have to get rid of the mass or that you can't have fear. It's that you have to have fear. The only people on earth who don't have fear are psychopaths. That's because their nervous system doesn't feel it. So it's not very cool, is it? So there's nothing wrong with fear. It's just a matter of learning to deal with fear in such a way that it doesn't sit in the front seat. So don't think of it like I want to become a person who never has fear, who is never afraid, because that's how your nervous system works, right? Then you wouldn't be able to feel love either. Deep deep love. So those things are connected. So it's actually more about daring to embrace actually. Okay, right now I can feel that deep fear. Okay, I'm sitting with it. What does it have to tell me? And sometimes it can be a real fear, but I'm actually sometimes, sometimes the body can say, okay, I'm afraid if you throw it into that project. I'm afraid that you won't have the energy to take care of me. And I've already just had two children and been through a divorce. And you know, I, if you throw yourself out there, I'm simply afraid that I'm afraid that I won't get sleep, I won't get food. So there can be real fear in relation to walking down a road where there are just some things you have to take care of first. There can also be irrational fears, or you could say old fears, which are related to how you feel when I started writing and way back when I had a blog 10 years ago, and I didn't have a name on it, and there was no picture of me. So every time I sent a blog post out into the ether, even though I had almost no one reading it, so they had to find it and stuff like that. Very few people read it. I felt like I was going to die every time. And I simply had to go in and work with these conditions, because I feel like, why is it that I feel like I want to die? And I got, among other things, images that I have, and this is again, I don't know if it's objectively true or not, but there was someone who had this feeling of having stepped forward and spoken his truth and had actually been slaughtered for it. So if we look at history, it will have happened. So it's not so important whether it's something I've experienced in another life or whether it's in your memory residue of being in a human body, because it's in the story. That's how it's been, it's been dangerous. Especially as a woman, it has been dangerous to appear in history. So it's in there too. And we all carry women's history, so to speak. And I couldn't just mash my way through the fear, so I had to take it in a moderate, you know, first blog post where I had no name and picture, and then I got a bit brave and dared to have a picture, and you know and so and so and now I'm there, where I'm clear about what my position is, where I know what other people's opinions may be, and where I feel we can actually have a talk about that, where I feel I can say, well, I mean this and this and this with full respect for your views. I think it lags here and there and there, but you know, I have no problem with that. I have no fear of it anymore. Where before I was about to shit my pants. I simply didn't dare. Now I can see where things come up, it's if I move into new, more difficult ones, where I'm like, okay, I haven't actually talked much about this. I've maybe been working on a lot of things personally, but I haven't talked so much publicly about it, and you know, so I haven't really tested myself there yet, so I don't really know what the response might be. What kind of views I don't really know, and what kind of things, what kind of aspects of it I'm maybe not really clear on myself. And I guess it's more to say that when I, you know, expand my repertoire, go out into the world and test it, I go through the same thing. I'm not, I don't have the same fear of death, because I have my nervous system knows I'm dying, right? But it's kind of the same thing, the one with So, hey, now I can feel, now I'm being tricked, so I have to go back and do my homework, what was what in it, you know, and so on all the time. So it's more to say that this is a continuous process. It never stops, but it gets milder, you know, that we can get through faster and it becomes easier to handle. And that's also why when we when that's why I started, we've spent a lot of time talking about this going in and feeling and holding and breathing in that state and welcoming it and embracing it. It's not wrong. Fear is not wrong. Powerlessness is not wrong. Anger is not wrong. None of it is wrong. That's how you feel right now. But it may just be that you need to sit with it yourself before you direct it at someone. So it may well create more chaos just to have it thrown at someone's head. So when we take care of our emotions and use them as points of reference and become more nuanced, we strengthen our life path. It becomes easier where it our be in our relationships. We become less tricked. We will trick others less. We can clean up faster. And we get through faster. That is, when I'm going out, and if I've just felt like ah, okay, I got some questions that I could feel that just tricked me, then I'm quick to get it landed and get it into my system, where previously I could lie there for weeks and then it just means that you just learn to process it faster, but it's something that lasts, I think as long as you're human. I don't think we'll ever reach the goal, because we keep expanding our consciousness and getting or accessing more and more power and more and more consciousness. And that's also why you shouldn't see it as oh, I have some perfectionism I need to get rid of, or I have some self-esteem that's not there. Rather, if we go in and work with the individual emotions, as if the other things kind of recede a bit. All of a sudden you'll feel like, hey, I still want things to be done properly and I don't like it when people point out that something isn't done properly, but I can bear it without my whole self-esteem going down. So you'll find that it's not that you have to fix something in yourself. You're really just practicing the competence to be with the conditions that are difficult to get them regulated. And that's actually what you have to keep an eye on the time here. It's actually also the same with the inner critic. In fact, it's exactly the same as many women have a very, very harsh and ruthless inner critic. And what you need to know about the inner critic is that it is self-reinforcing. So there's a very big difference between inner critic and then nyn self-purification. If you know when I'm a self-critic, for example, it's here on Monday. I'm an incredibly efficient person. It's deep in my personality to be efficient. And if things are slow and inefficient, it almost makes me sick. So I need to experience some patience. This means that I get a lot done. I rarely, I rarely miss deadlines. I It's extremely rare that the people I work with don't get the things they need to get paid on time. So in that sense, it's a very positive trait, you could say. And it's positive in the sense that it doesn't create much trouble for me. It has been hugely efficient and hugely deadline-oriented and hugely patterned around me following a process and stuff like that. The downside of that is that I can end up doing things too hastily. For example, I ordered something from IKEA, and some strange cabinets arrived. I ordered some cabinets that I don't really know why I ordered them. It went a bit fast. So it's such a classic. I've kind of learned to live with it a bit. But also, I simply fell into such an internet closet on Monday, because I'm too quick on the draw. An email arrives, you know, it's the Digitalization Agency, all this ID, my ID, all that crap. So I find it indescribably boring. Then I just think, well, I'll just wing it. There's an email. I just have to click here, and then I have to refresh, and then everything piles up. So I realized that I had been hacked, and normally I don't fall for those scams because they're just so ugly and they're so badly made. But this was for them, I must say, it was really well made. I mean, I don't know if others didn't go in at all, but it was much more professional. Besides, I know they don't send out emails about the nemid and stuff like that, but right there I was just like, I just have to get it over with, it was boring. I just get this done, and then it's gone, and then just like f***, we had approved some payment of almost 3,000, which I haven't bought, you know. And that's where the good thing is, and the good thing is that in the past, if I had done something like that, I would have been able to beat myself over the head. It would have activated my inner critic. The fact that I wasn't on a leash right there, that efficiency, so the fact that I'm a bit impatient and have things ready, that backfires, because I just didn't do that. I was too inattentive to details. It was something I could have sat there for days, it could have sat there for days as if it's a fault in me and it's also incredible that I can't learn it and you know, so it was something I would do every time I thought about it would create such a deep discomfort inside me as if there's something there's something something in me that's broken where now it's so fucking annoying it's about to call the bank I have to block my card and you know you know I have to go in and make such a claim where I have to show it there so I get that money back at some point and stuff like that so it's super hassle. So I can be a bit of a man, you know, but I'm more of a self-cleaning kind of person. Yeah okay, I was a bit too quick there. Something to self the second time I have to be careful and stuff. No, things like that don't get sent on emails, it will always go to the ebox. Just remember that, so you don't fall into such a mess again, right? But then it kind of stopped there, you know. So I'm a little bit annoyed that I don't have a credit card, and you know, I have to set up payment on all sorts of payment services, which is kind of a pain in the ass, but you know it hasn't stuck. And that's the difference. So I can, I'll do some critical self-cleaning, new-found self-cleaning, just like yeah okay, it was kind of your own fault because you were a little too fast on the keypad. Uh, be at peace with it. I've cleaned up, and then I won't spend any more time on it, and then I'll just try that snapshot another time. I don't need to do that. I only have to do that once, right? Um, whereas the other one, if it was, if my critic had gotten hold of me, if my inner critic had gotten hold of me, then I would have slaughtered myself for weeks. And the way the critic works is that you actually have it there, you've got it for a critic just like oh for fuck's sake you couldn't you know it comes like that because you're a bit tired of having to move out and stuff like that just like oh f*** they're coming I have to reject all sorts of payments and delete cards and stuff like that so there's just time for adrenaline to kick in but you don't want to get scratched completely but there where that's what happens when we've screwed up so to speak we've done something where we think like okay that wasn't so damn smart when the critic gets hold of it because what the critic is fueled by is self-hatred it's self-criticism so it's the only one who can be nourished by it so it's so it will be there you will experience it as a spiral when the critic starts, then that one would have gone from fuck it to you can you you always make mistakes too, you're fucking you can never figure out anything you're it and then it really just continues until you're almost not worthy of being on the ground and breathing so sometimes will and it can be uh it can be enormously violent for you to experience that small missteps or small misunderstandings or things you hadn't considered that things that you thought like that and I should have that I should have that I should have had control over that it can very quickly set in that you are almost not worthy of being on earth and breathing and that and this is often what we associate with God, I must have very low self-esteem. And instead of talking so much about self-esteem, we all have low self-esteem, I saw Fred Pral wrote the other one. I actually agree with him, so we sometimes saw, and that's actually what I tell parents when they get scared that their kids have low self-esteem. It's because when too much, if we focus too much on self-esteem, every time a child has a difficult feeling or we ourselves have a difficult feeling about something, we get really worried. Because it's as if self-esteem is only weak if we never feel something that is existentially difficult. But you are a human being, so you will be, you will feel that. So instead of focusing so much on self-esteem, I would rather talk about it and focus on what we do when we feel stuck with emotions that are difficult. And that's going to be the inner critic of Binhair because he, she will whip you and keep on whipping you. So what you need to know is that you're not broken, you're not broken. There's some mechanics to having a nervous system and having a brain and having ethics, morals and compassion and empathy and anxiety. It does in that whole loop, and then you do something where you feel you've stepped wrong and become aware of it, and sometimes becoming aware of it also hurts other people. You made a mistake and then I run into something else. So it can drag you down into a very black hole where you can end up all the way down. I have no right to be here. So the trick is when you end up here in a place where your inner critic typically comes, uh, sometimes it also comes just if someone looks at us. That is, if someone is looking at you with such a look. That can be enough. But now I relate to the situation where you have somehow messed up a bit like I did some kind of hacker stuff because I was a little bit aware, but that's the first thing is to first use that damn energy to get cleaned up. That is, you've driven into a car because you're talking on the phone, and you're not supposed to. But now you're here, you know, you get to clean up, you get like s***, that was a bad fucking idea. Or you get, you just clean it up. You take care of it, it needs to be taken care of. But afterwards, you will typically be haunted by a critic. This is where you actually need to step in. The most important thing you need to do, you need to see your inner critic when she starts wielding the whip, that you need to cut off the food supply. That's it. Same thing. If you're addicted to nicotine, you cut out nicotine. If you're addicted to sugar, you cut out sugar. If you have a fungal infection and it's just sugar, then you cut out sugar for a period of time. So what you need to cut is very simple when your inner critic goes crazy. What you need to cut out is self-criticism. What you need to stop giving is to keep feeding with thoughts, self-critical thoughts. It's so simple. It's just so simple that you have to stop your inner thought rows of self-criticism because then it withdraws, then it doesn't have, it doesn't get any nutrition. The simple, it's super simple, but that doesn't mean it's easy. Because what you will experience is that there is something seductive. There is something enormously seductive about the darkness that can be incredibly seductive. It can be enormously seductive to be smoking me tyrium. So all the time thinking the others owe me a sacrifice. It can be hugely seductive to be, if I'm also just a terrible person. And it's not because there's anything wrong with you. It's simply something that lies. It's something that a lot of people would have experienced. Um, and I could give you a long lecture on why that is, but I won't spend time on that. I just want to state that this is how it is. And that's why the art is to practice and cut, so it usually just says inner critic. Yes, there you are again. I just go back into a meditative state, or I just put on some counter music and use the body. You know, if you're dancing uh or laughing, you can't laugh out loud or dance and then have a critic hear. You body has to do one or the other. So you simply have to think about switching modes when the inner critic is there. You simply have to think about saying, no, there you are again. I'm parking you. I'm not, I'm not going to go down. I, I don't want to offer, I don't want to offer my system more self-hatred. It's s***. Don't even think about it. Go take an ice cold bath because you're resetting your nervous system. You simply must, you simply must, and that's because the more times you don't feed the critic, but you stop at for fuck's sake, I should have seen that. Well, shit, I'll clean it up. It's going to be fine. Nobody died. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. I'll stop there. Well, over time, you'll realize that you've disciplined yourself and said: “No, critic, you won't get any nourishment here.” All of a sudden, it's quite rare for it to show up. then it will show up. It's rare that I have it, but I can feel that, for example, I'm about to teach at Blackbird, um, because in many of the things that I also teach about listening and stuff like that, which is really good, and I have my book on the syllabus and stuff like that, it's really smart that some people come and I can jump in and teach and leave again. So it's great that we are so nice and lovely. But it's funny how I just had to get into a different setting. You know, I'm so used to running my own show and setting it up and I can still do that. It's my own material and stuff like that. But it still has to fit its form. And that was kind of And then there can be some of that when you have to step out and step into something new and you just have to dued you just have to assess yourself some others and stuff like that and you know it was because I thought I was so completely out of it there just so I could feel like whoa how interesting until I just have to so expect every time you step into something new and have just landed in something new, there may well be such a transition period where there may just be like uh can I handle it or or what is there room for me to be me you know it can come up with all sorts of things that don't necessarily have shit to do with the sentence it's just that there is something in stepping out and doing something new that just means that that's where the critic can sneak back in. Because it's like, you can't do that, or you're not good enough at it, or all sorts of rubbish can come up that has nothing to do with anything. I'm just going to park you right out here, because I don't really want to spend my life energy on that. So it's very typical that when you're under extra pressure in situations, the critic can arise, and when you take quantum leaps, that is, when you're either big in your development, um, or relationships just like god, can I even find another partner, even if it's someone who can love me. So it can come in so many ways. Um and it's just being aware that it's there and it can sound like your own voice, but it's a different voice. It is and it really just needs to be beaten back to the dungeon. Very often I've had this thing where we transform the darkness. Um, but I was actually just here with the inner critic, where you transformed the darkness in the critic by not feeding it. Because I have the critic is a bit of a parasite. It's a bit of a parasite. Um so then it just doesn't really need to be nourished. Other parts of the darkness in relation to the It can be both emotions and hatred, it can feel all kinds of things when you come down here and find sadness. But when you work with the critic, it doesn't typically come down in grief. It just causes more self-criticism. So start by just cutting off the supply. And then over time give it some time. And also and have unity with yourself when you experience how hard it is. Sometimes you can't stop it, but just that one out of 10 times you can stop it, then suddenly two out of 10 times you can stop it, then it becomes three out of 10 times you can stop it. And so in that way, over time, you'll see that the critics come in less and less. There's not much time left before I go to questions, so I'm just going to see if uh dak dak. How much yes, because I have such a yes. Talk a bit about your sexual desire and pleasure, because what I experience with a lot of women is that they come and say that there is an insane amount of pleasure in the female body. Pleasure lies in the feminine. And I'm not saying the female body is equal to the feminine. The feminine and masculine are resources we have access to that we can use. And there's a big difference between having a feminine expression and having a masculine expression. And the same for men. They can do something different when you have to make a, if you want to get something manifested in life from something from A to B, a project, then that's what calls you on very masculine energy. But you have to, but at the same time you have to use the feminine power in relation to being the driving force behind what it is that you need to create? So that means that there will be an idea-creating phase that has been power and that has been inspiration and that has been, you know, it has not been structured, it has been fragments of ideas. At some point you've used some discipline, some will, get it down on a piece of paper, and then you go out and build the house or build the project or whatever you're doing. There's a lot of masculine energy there. And the feminine energy in the feminine is pleasure. Um. And that's also why when we enjoy, whether we're a man or a woman or a child, we're actually in the feminine there. Because when you're in the masculine, if you're very masculine focused, if you're very purposefully focused on finishing a task, then you gobble your lunch, and you're almost like, is it a liver on fried food, is it rubber food? Because you haven't really looked at it. You haven't actually tasted it. What you've done is you've said I need to nourish my body and then it collapses. It's inappropriate because I have to reach the goal now. So that means that in the masculine itself there is no pleasure. So where the pleasure aspect lies is in the feminine. So it's actually where you actually take the time to eat your lunch and maybe arrange it a bit nicely or aesthetically in a way that makes sense to you and enjoy it. So it's enjoyment of good coffee, good food, good chocolate, sex, enjoyment of the forest, enjoyment of moving your body. It's enjoyment in all its forms. And what I experience for many women is that because there is a huge amount of pleasure in the female body where you can say it's feminine, you can say that the female body is feminine, the feminine manifested. This does not mean that men do not have access to the feminine because they do. But you have to say that it is. And it also means that there is a tremendous amount of pleasure in the female body. We are multiorgastic. We are serial orgastic. In other words, our sexuality is much more voracious than I would say men's is. So we can keep it going for longer. A female cup can come again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and can actually have such an aroused uterus that you can almost go with such a buzz where you feel like you're on the verge of an orgasm. Not the same kind of orgasm that you have with a man or with yourself, but such a bubbling lust for life that you actually feel so effervescent and alive all the time. And it's simply in the female body. It's simply potential in the female body. And that's what I experience with a lot of women, and I've experienced it myself at some point in my life, that we end up in a place where we've been doing so much. We've been so much project-led, we've been in so much caring work with others. Or whatever we have been, that we no longer know what we enjoy, what we enjoy. So we've lost, it feels like we've lost the connection to pleasure. And you haven't. Or you, you haven't lost the ability to enjoy, but you may have lost the connection to it. And if you feel like that, which is very classic, that's the first sign of it, is that you're actually terrified of someone and you're getting really tired of all this. Now you have to figure out how to enjoy, take your pleasurable moments and stuff like that. It would typically either make you really sad or piss you off, because you have like, I don't know what I enjoy. I, I don't know what pleasure is. I can't, I can't, I can't remember what I enjoy. The things that I used to enjoy about meeting up with girlfriends who sit and talk like that, I don't bother anymore. Or you know, it's as if you've hit a point where the energy has stagnated in a way where you actually don't know, you're completely in doubt about what you enjoy. And if you try to take a day off and send the kids out to be looked after, and the husband isn't home, and you're sitting in a room in the house that's reasonably tidy, so you can bear to be there, and you're like, okay, e, now I have two hours where I just have time for myself, then you could have reached a point where you're almost unable to bear to be in it. You almost don't know what to do with the time. You can be used to being so much adrenaline and as if you're constantly jumping up and down like you're walking around yourself like, should I do the dishes, no, I should enjoy, should I watch Netflix, I don't want to do that either because then I'll waste time, should I drink coffee, I can't, you know you're such a hero, you're such a hero, you try to figure it out with this but you can't. And I just want to say that to you if you're standing there, know that it's a step on the road back. It's the first step on the road back to getting back to pleasure. And I know how painful it is. It's insanely painful but it's not you're not broken. You haven't lost the pleasure of connection. You're just at the point where you've been doing so much that your system has kind of forgotten. It's tried so hard to remember to enjoy life that it hasn't. Or maybe there's been a period where you've had to survive. People have been so dependent on you that you haven't collapsed. That you've had to say, I can't enjoy. I constantly have to be focused on others. Sometimes we are called to do that if there is illness, if there is a crisis, if there is something, and we can do that, but at some point we have to just let go and everyone else takes responsibility. Um, and this brings us back to, because it's an interaction. It's doing and being. So it's breathing, it's contraction, contraction and relaxation. Um, and in the society we live in, we are incredibly much doing. We are incredibly much action. And it's a bit of an uphill struggle. We're enormously powerful, but there's also a deep sometimes you experience such a deep deep fatigue all the way down to the bones. And I have this kind of I can't, if you ask me what I want to eat tonight, I'll hit you because I can't make any more decisions. And these are all signs that it's time to get some unstructured time into your life. And it's all about what pleasure is for you. And it's not so much something you have to think about, because you can't. But you have to go down and experience it. And for some it's just sitting and having a cup of coffee in a beautiful cup. For some it's going for a walk in the woods. For some, it's being able to sit under the blanket with your favorite literature. So it can be different things. So it varies from woman to woman what she finds enjoyable. But what all women have in common is that surrendering to pleasure is extremely pleasurable for all women. And it's typically a deep commitment in us if we don't have it in our lives. Sometimes we can consciously say, okay, now there's not as much of that, because now I'm now, now I'm just high on this project and I love being masculine. So you shouldn't, it's just two energy structures or energy forms or resources that affect your behavior differently. You have to see it as resources that you can make much more conscious. So when you get to the point where you're getting irritable and you're getting tired and short-tempered and you're constantly feeling like you have this, you have like my, my brain explodes if I have to make more decisions. That's mental overload. Especially for women, we are at increased risk of smoking mental overload because we have so many connections on both hemispheres that our brain is extremely buzzing. That's why it's so important for you to have these breathing spaces where you don't just, well, it's unstructured. Well, I don't have a goal. Right now I'm just with a friend. Whether we go for a walk in the woods, whether we go to a café, whether we who knows, or right now I just have two hours, now I just am. So if you've gotten to the point where you've actually gotten very far away from pleasure, then you would say the first step is to be with the pain of it. Uh, and in the pain there can be a very, very deep fear of can my life ever be meaningful again? Because it's not that suffering in itself makes your life meaningful, but it's like what I hear that I remember when I was at that place in my life that when we're cut off from feeling pleasure in our lives it's also like it's hard for us to feel the meaningful. And it's like the more you get the connection to the pleasurable in your body and the pleasurable in being with life and in being with the earth in being with children with adult animals, however that comes in for you, the meaningful also starts to emerge more because for you as a woman it would typically be extremely meaningful to be in pleasure. And that's not really something we've learned in our culture. This whole thing about you have to perform before you can enjoy. Sometimes you have to enjoy before you can perform, I would actually say. Sometimes it's actually this thing where you allow yourself to be structured and eat when you eat, sleep when you sleep and you know that uh and it can also be very cycle ball uh many women will feel that there is a greater need to withdraw into themselves optimstruation and that's actually what we call PMS hysteria which is not hysteria but it's the label that can be put on it is actually about when we are drawn into ourselves and there is a call to withdraw a little away from the world and be with everything that goes on inside the body. Um and that's why it can feel overwhelming to be pulled out of the world and have to relate to the world and have to relate to people and have to relate to children and that's why you can sometimes snap faster because it's like let me be you want to protect yourself um it's not all women feel more but many women do I do to a very high degree myself and my um the man in my life can definitely feel it is very interesting because he we work energetically together. Um and he also had an energy vision and he can clearly see it was very interesting for him to see in my fields where I am up to menstruation and he has actually become so very okay it's actually a very powerful time he can see it all kind of pulled inwards he can also see there is a huge fatigue in the system it was very beautiful to be seen then by a man actually so so well enough with energy vision because he was very so what the hell is going on there I don't have a woman's head he doesn't have that so he doesn't know what so he can read up on it professionally in relation to the hormonal one but it's actually being able to see it at such an energy level and being able to see it where I stand and I'm like okay you actually need to be looked after a bit during that period. You actually need me to take more structure so you can be allowed to penetrate your inner work with what is, because it's very potent. And that's really beautiful, because sometimes we can quickly clash with our surroundings here, because it feels like a powerful but also vulnerable expansion, i.e. an inner period to then expand up to ovulation. So it may not resonate with you. It's different how much women feel their cycle. Uh, maybe it resonates a lot. Uh, it's definitely an extra thing you can think about in terms of your hormonal cycle. And which, as far as I can see, definitely also crosses over into the spiritual, the spiritual. And you can add that in yourself if it makes sense to you. Or you can just leave it alone, so there's no requirement that there's something here that you can work with. And I can clearly see that I can easily work up to menstruation when in the first few days if I've got a packed calendar, which is how I suffer sometimes, so I can plow through it, but I get more pain and I'm more exhausted, so it's as if my system says it's not the time to plow through now. So I can feel that somehow I have to see if I can organize my working life in a way where I can also teach my son that, well, it's just a period where I pull back a bit. Because he will also benefit from understanding how women work. Uh, but no matter what time of the month or in your life cycles, there will be times in your life when you feel like, now I actually feel like pulling in a little bit, and if someone pulls on me, it can feel extremely uncomfortable. And it's really about getting ahead of things and saying to your loved ones. I just want you to know that right now I need to be a little introverted. It's nothing personal. Uh, that's why I may not respond when you write and I don't reach out and stuff. It's not personal, because then you can take a lot of this up front. And here we can also do away with this very nurturing approach that we have to be something for everyone else. That's one of the hardest things for women. I hear it again and again and again, and I know it myself. And am I allowed to just withdraw a little and not be available all the time for girlfriends, partner children? And yes, you are. You're definitely allowed to. I would actually say that in order for you to be something for anyone at all, it's hugely important that you sometimes take these breaks, because it's actually the only way you have something to offer. And with that, I want to close off my flow of words, because I think I can also see that in one way or another I've gotten around all my notes. Um, so now I'll open up for questions, and then there are questions here until 12 o'clock, or however many you have. It's very different how many people are with livees. And then we'll wrap up for today. And finally, if you have any questions, please feel free to write to me if you have any questions. So I can also follow along here in the group actually on the computer. Yes, there are comments about me turning the page. That was weird. On the first video I posted, where I suddenly turned on my side. It was very strange, but it should work now. Hey, there's also someone who can just come in. Approved all. Well, you know what? There are no questions now, and it could also be because there are none at all. And that would be okay too. So I'll see if I can talk a little bit more. And then feel free to write questions, um, if something comes up. Yes, I could actually say a little more about the whole mind chatter thing. Uh, hey, there was a question there. I'll take it then. I think I almost want a drawing of what you said about when people trigger you. You talked about how delayed anger is a sign that we didn't set boundaries in the situation. And how do we deal with that? Yes, I can understand, because I've also touched on so many aspects of being tricked, and that's because there are so many, there are so many layers to it. So I can understand why you need to make it a little more concrete. Um, because I bring in a lot of things. You could say boundary setting. This is actually when you're in a situation and you feel pressured by another person or you feel you've crossed a boundary with another person. It's actually being in a situation with another person or with a group field. And it's actually being able to observe what's going on in the field in the other people. Being able to observe what's going on inside yourself and feeling what's happening in the situation. And being able to set the boundaries in relation to hair like that. Well, I don't agree with that or with hair. I have to say that behavior in real time, in the second it occurs, is actually indescribably difficult and it might help and that and we have the potential for it so I think give it between 200 to 2000 years then I think we're getting there but the reason why it's actually difficult for almost everyone is because typically there is a delay it's a bit like watching a movie and you can see there is a delay between the words and then subtarles. It's kind of the same way it works. Um, and there are many reasons why there can be a delay. It's both something to do with how we've been met emotionally in our culture. It has something to do with upbringing. It has something to do with collective imprint. It has something to do with where we are in terms of maturity in relation to species. We are still a relatively young species. So it simply has to do with how much we have evolved. So this relational competence, we can become more and more fine-tuned at it. So it's something that's very very very difficult and can be very tricky. But what you can say as a rule of thumb is that conditions often come with a delay. So you can be, if I want to say it as empty, if you're in a situation and you're overwhelmed and angry about something, where you can see, uh okay my, sometimes you can see, okay, my anger is actually a little bigger than the situation. That is to say, the person you're angry with might talk to you in a low-key way or something. There's no full-blown conflict, but you can just feel it getting really heated. That is, you become more and more reactive and want to lash out at them. The rule of thumb here is that something has been activated. Something in you has been activated and triggers you. So you could say that the anger doesn't actually come with a delay. Here, it's just activated very, very quickly. In fact, too quickly because the situation doesn't quite lead to it. And it can be where you are now Sometimes they can see it, at least we've seen it very often on Facebook, if there are different views on something that is vulnerable. It could be gender identity, it could be vaccine, not vaccine, it could be, it could be many things, you know. And there can be this, I can't, I can't accept that you have a different perspective than me. And that can sometimes be underneath it. In fact, if you pursue this art sometimes, if you can feel that in a conversation you start to get very, very quickly tricked, which is just a conversation about different views on a new and complex area. It could be corona for example, right? This is where the art can be a little bit, because sometimes you can throw so much anger into defending your views and going on the attack. If you feel, okay, I have a tendency to feel a very big, strong anger, the trick here can be to just pick up and then just and then somehow just pull out. You may not say anything to the person. It may be that you just feel it inside you and then you just pull out and say, okay, I just need to find out what the hell that was about. And then you can sit down and turn your gaze inward, and then you may feel this anger. And there may actually be something underneath. It can lie beneath different views on something that you are passionately interested in. There may be a sense of I don't feel seen and heard. I don't feel like I am. And the problem is that if there is such a thing, it may well be for someone, let's say, if they have grown up in a family where there has been a lot if you have been shut down either manipulated, emotionally manipulated or shut down or shamed when you have set limits for yourself, then there may well be this thing where it becomes a trick when you talk to people who have a different opinion than yourself on some topics, but where it actually has nothing to do with it, where it's just like, well it's not like I'm against the test, although I think it can make very good sense and so I don't like the vaccine. Now, but what else should we do? I mean, what the hell, it's just corona, it could be anything, it could be religion, it could be spirituality, it could be medicine, it could be politics, so there are lots of flammable topics and that's why it can be good to find out, when you feel the anger and then feel, what lies beneath? You breathe into it and follow it down into the grief. Just like that, you may well be feeling I don't feel seen and met. And you can say if you're sitting and talking to a family member or some acquaintance or you're some random person you've just bumped into where you're exchanging opinions on a topic, because it's actually not like that, you feel that you don't feel seen and welcomed. But the feeling of being seen and met is typically about not being seen and met by those you should have been seen and met by your parents. It's not the stranger's responsibility to see and meet you. Yes, it is to be curious, ask questions and be polite and all that, but it's not his or her job to adapt his or her understanding of the world to fit with yours so that you can feel met. And that's why it's so important and that's where we will be tricked. We will be the trick when we n because you can but you can easily have a worldview that diverges from others and stand strong in it without you being in charge of it. Sometimes it can be uncomfortable if it becomes a field of conflict. So if because sometimes you will experience that you are actually very new and just say well but I stand for this I see it this way and that way and that way and that's how it is and you actually stand firm and you experience that the other person can't stand up to you so can't stand up to your field because as much as you can risk being enormously tricked by someone saying no but I don't agree with that I think you have I think in the argument there are holes there and there and there and there or there and so I feel not seen to hear But I it's nothing to do with that. I just disagree. I disagree with your point of view. Then you might also find that others react to you like that. So in fact, you might find that you can easily be completely objective and have full respect for a person and have full respect for the fact that you have those opinions. I just disagree and they can't handle it. And sometimes you can sometimes have a greater sensitivity to their reaction. It doesn't mean that you have to just allow yourself to be overly frustrated or you have to blood things up but you can sometimes have a greater gentleness by understanding that okay right now you have to stand strong there without imposing your opinion on them, but just say, well, but I have this conviction because of such and such and such. Knowing that it's a complex topic. So if the person reacts very strongly, you can think, it might actually be that this person feels tricked into not feeling seen and met. That doesn't mean it's your responsibility. It means that you don't have, well, you don't have the emotional responsibility. You have a responsibility to treat people, you know, choose your vocabulary. sensibly. And you know, of course we have a responsibility over how we treat other people, but you don't have a responsibility for other people's trauma in that way, but you can awaken other people's trauma. And that's just something we have to be aware of because that's actually one of the hardest things when we interact. It's when we're interacting that we can feel, now, there's a conflict here. I can see the other person being incredibly tricked by this. Um, and we need to know how to handle that. So it's that situation where it's the situation where it explodes in space, it certainly doesn't come with a delay. I'd say it's more just an ordinary conversation about different points of view. All of a sudden a, you know, a giant sank his book um which has to be handled on a, where you just have to land it afterwards, right? And find out, and then you can come back a little shaken to say something like: “God, did I trick that person, and sometimes you will have done that, and sometimes you will have triggered it, and sometimes you will also end up saying, well I had to stand, I stand within what I said. I stand by the way I said it. I think I was respectful, and I think I actually stood my ground without being pushy. But the human, but the human couldn't handle it. And that was kind of like, that's not mine. Sometimes we have to let go of things that aren't ours, but in order to do that, to know what's mine and what's the other person's, we have to go in and work with the emotional charge we get on the situation. And I would say that if you come out of a situation where you don't have an emotional charge and you really feel, well, I didn't really get angry, I didn't want to lash out. I just stood there and expressed my views with respect for others, but the person couldn't handle it. Well, then you're actually a bit home safe. It may still have been an uncomfortable situation for you, because it's not nice. The field of conflict is not nice for most people. And we actually don't want to see another human being suffer either. Sometimes we have this thing where so many women feel weak because we are nurturing and we don't know how to speak up and it's also in the fall and everything that can be can be practiced. But some of it is actually also because we don't like to see another human being suffer. It actually hurts us. Women. We mirror our mirror neurons are active longer than men. So we mirror other men. People's emotions much more. We feel them much more than statistically most people in the middle do. And that's why it can be quite uncomfortable. It can be quite uncomfortable to stand in that field. Where it comes with a delay. It's something you're in a situation where you're not immediately aware that you're in a meeting or you're talking to a friend and you may feel a slight discomfort but not really. And then you get home and you can feel that you're completely aware that you're feeling strange. So you have this kind of weird feeling, you're just a little uncomfortable and you don't really know how you feel. And you know, you start to bite the kids and your partner for a few slaps and stuff, you know, you can feel it, so it comes with a delay, and that's what a lot of people will experience. And it can be especially, uh, actually, I would say if someone has been very confrontational, um, if you find that you've been to a meeting where someone has been very confrontational or maybe directly talked down to you. I remember I was in a meeting once with someone where I was talking about something I was passionate about, and then someone said something else, and I had to be passionate and participate. We have different opinions, but it's not that there's no conflict in the field. They're just like, how interesting, you can be so different and stuff. So there's a lot of energy. And then there's an older man shouting at me, and he thinks I talk too loud. I talk too much. And it affected my whole I'm too much, I take up too much space, you know. I have a lot of words, I have a lot, you know, it's taken me a long time to learn to embrace that part. And I just remember I shut up like an oyster. Uh, and I was really triggered, but it came with a delay. There was a huge amount of grief that came with it. Sid, I was such a good person to work with, he just became a mirror. And I could just, I could just, when I went in and worked with it, I could just see that I've felt too much. So many times in my life. And how I've adapted, because it's actually been uncomfortable. Whereas I was actually practicing to say, okay, if I had felt that in the situation, that it was you, because it simply just made me, you know, I closed my system and it just kind of spat down, and I was kind of uh, and I was kind of rehearsing, what would I do if I experienced it again? Because that, it's nothing to do with that man there, he's really very nice, but he was tricked by mine, he thought it was noisy, so he was just like, can you keep it down a bit, right? And if I experienced that today, I think I'd just turn around and say something like: “No, I don't want to do that. You have to wear earplugs.” Well, you know, I want my response to be something else. But the thing about it came with a delay. Well, I could, because I really just shut up, and then I couldn't really feel anything. Then I could feel, I was so completely, because I kept thinking about it, and I was like should I have said no, should I not have said no, you know, it was so enormously muddy until I go in and then it sets me down, and then I turn my gaze inwards, and then I can feel such deep deep deep sadness. And it's not him who has given me that sadness. It's not the kind of behavior that you can say, well, that's not great behavior. I would say, well, you shouldn't generally go and yell at people, but but but but his yelling, if he had yelled at someone else who didn't have a wound from feeling too much, then he would just say, you can yell yourself. Or you know, who had handled it in a different way, where it hadn't felt like that. And when that delay comes, it's when you're hit by something where you've been overwhelmed before, there's a completely natural delay. And that's why you can often expect that after coming home from meeting a friend or going to a meeting where you're like, well, that went well enough. And then all of a sudden you come home and feel strange. Then you feel really strange. And this is where we can what does it mean? Does it mean I should never see her again? Does it mean I shouldn't take that job? And this, before you make that decision, just go inside and feel what is this? Why am I feeling weird? And just like, okay, okay, I'm super angry. And then they're like, hey, I'm actually super angry about that sentence she said. I'm super angry. She said that one, she said, you're the kind of person who always does that. Why did they get angry about that? Ah, it's because I have a shadow on it, or I have an image of, or I actually think that she has had a role that she has allowed, where I have allowed her to see me in a certain way. That's actually not the person I feel I am, you know. And then you can start making judgments. How do I relate? Do I have a conversation with her? Do I interact with her in a way when it comes up again, where I just say, no, that's actually not who I am. It's funny, you have this image of, but that's not actually who I am. You know, you find ways to loosen it up. But we can only do that when we take that, I feel bad, I feel strange, and then go in and feel what's in this, and feel strange. So I hope that could make it a little more visible. Um, could you tell us a bit more about how your energy work helps to dissolve stagnation? Uh, yeah, yeah. Uh, well, what I do, and it's a bit different uh what I do when I do energy work. And it's actually it's actually something I've been doing for a long time. It's just that I haven't been very public about it, because I've been very professionally oriented, academically oriented and very counseling oriented. But what I've also just experienced is that sitting and talking, we can work with the nervous system. So a lot of what I've talked about is how to work in everyday life with overwhelm when nerves clash. But what I've just experienced is that with energy work and working with blockages, the person working can see the energy and help can actually go in and help dissolve something because it's as if there are some blockages we simply can't we can't it's as if the system has been so overwhelming for the system that it has it has made one of these so it has just approached the pain is too painful so there are some pain we carry that we actually should not sit with ourselves alone. In other words, we actually need a little help to be in with others because they are so overwhelming and actually I have also experienced that we can actually energetically help to loosen up. So what I've experienced, you could say that the person I've worked with the most and for the longest time has been a man. And I think there's a bit of a difference between a woman's body and a man's body. And this is still at the hypothesis level as far as I'm concerned. I haven't heard any energy workers talk about that. So that's just going to have to be a work in progress. I don't really know if it holds up. I can just see and I think that I think that having a female body means that we can at least see clinically and we can see the evidence base that we have a little access to emotions in a different way than men do. It doesn't mean that men don't have access to emotions, but we mirror emotions more. We can be in an emotion longer. We can recall emotional states faster than men can. It seems like maybe the way that women and men have been influenced by evolution throughout history, throughout the human journey, has meant that for a fairly large percentage of men, connecting emotions is a bit difficult. It's as if they have some rigid structures that get in the way. And for women it may be, and for some women it certainly is, but for us women it's as if for many women it's about finding the head or tail of what they feel. Finding the head or tail they feel and figuring out what's up and down in this. And also getting it landed again and letting it go. Many women talk about how sometimes if I'm in an emotional state, it keeps me stuck for days or weeks. Or if I just think about the situation, I can feel it again immediately. Too many men. But then they can't remember it. So it's also a conflict I hear about in many relationships. Women who just remember what you said 10 years ago, I still remember it. And it's huge, because it's almost as if there's a physical reaction to the situation where the man has one of those, where he says, I can't remember it, and then the woman thinks, well, it's because you don't love me, and you don't spend time, you're emotionless, and you're all kinds of things, but the situation hasn't made itself in him in the same way. So there's a little uh there's some there's some advantage disadvantages or there's some some some some different ways here. And there's a man I've worked with for many months. And I can clearly see that for him it's extremely difficult to unblock himself. For women, I think if we get a little help, I actually think we can become a little more self-reliant relatively quickly if we get help with our bigger blocks, because it's as if we find it a little easier to learn to breathe into a block, breathe into a stuck feeling than men do, is my immediate observation. So it may not be true, but that is my immediate observation. So I can at least see that for him it has helped a lot that when I loosen up the blocked parking. Work energies parking up, then he actually gets pictures. He gets he gets then he feels the feeling. He feels like, okay, it's this feeling. Hey, now it's lifting. So in the same way, it's been really interesting for me to work with it to see when I reach the blockage, I can see it's released, then he responds in real life, now it's lifted. And I've experienced that so many times, so there seems to be some synchronicity in this. And I think that, and I think it's super interesting. Uh, so that's why it's been a lot now he's also he he I don't experience that everyone responds in the same way as he does. So he can feel when I'm working and he can feel when I let go again. And not everyone does that. So that's why it's very interesting for me to work with him because I get a much greater understanding of what it actually does. But my experience is that whether it's a split or not, sometimes the energy just looks like a root store, where it's going in all sorts of directions, which can feel very uncomfortable. Um and it's tears, it's simply uh perforations in the energy chambers or whether it's actual blockages like a It's, you know, these shocks, I tell you, these emotional blockages, ding, you know, which look like some kind of black holes that can be loosened up and shed light on. I don't find that it's as painful in the female body as it can be in the male body when you work with it. So there's something interesting here. But what I've experienced with the women I've worked with, where I've been involved in blockages, is that they may well feel a, uh, they feel such a tingle. It's not, there isn't, they can feel a sadness coming up, they can feel some emotions about it, but they don't clench in the same way that I've experienced men do. Uh, and then it's as if the themes we go in and work on, uh, it's as if they experience such subtle changes over time, like, god, I used to be really tricked by my parents, you know, and I've worked with that for years, but after we worked on that structure or that blockage, it's as if it charges away. So I wouldn't say that energy work can go in without consciousness and we can just fix things, but it can be something that helps on a journey of consciousness, where the work in the energy itself, in the power, in the consciousness actually helps to loosen up something that you've tried and maybe been hardened epigenetically. For example, it could be genealogical themes, right? Genealogical themes have become, because they have been passed on for generations, so they are just there, they are hugely cemented, they are hugely hardened. So there will be some blockages that are difficult to work with yourself because, well, seven women before you have just bent on it, and it has been reinforced with each generation. So getting someone to do energy work that can help you simply work in the energy can be enormously powerful. Fully here. Um, what do I do with this anger that is delayed? It takes up so much space in the body. I can figure out what comes next. When it triggers me to be different from others, when it triggers me. But I don't know what to do about the anger and I find it easier. And I don't know what I do about the anger and I think it's easier to avoid spiraled concrete, what the hell do I do about the anger? I would actually, it can be beneficial to be in the anger sometimes, if you don't It can be to be when you feel the anger. stay in it. That is, once you're in the discomfort and you get into the body and you get the underneath the anger there is typically a sadness. Anger does not transform. It has to be allowed, it has to be allowed to be there, but it's typically the grief underneath it that transforms it. So sometimes you can actually stay in the anger. You invite the anger into all your cells. Not because you have to throw it at someone or because you have to beat it out on a pillow or something, but you actually just try to let it be. You you have such a lid, I welcome breaking into all my cells. I breathe into it. And then actually, if you can stand to be in it, it will always be there, but then it will usually transform again into another state, which can be grief. And when grief comes, there may be a need to cry. There may be the need to lie down and collapse sobbing. And then what you do is you feel the body's impulse, and then you actually get that chunk regulated there. Then you'll notice that your system feels better on the other side. This doesn't mean that you can't risk the width being awakened again. But this process of going through this process as the regulation process, sometimes we typically have to go down under the anger and feel the pain that is there and the s that is there. Other times, you can do a pure symptom treatment if you feel you're being pressured and angry in a situation you can't really get away from. This can be done by putting very cold water on your head. Put your head in a bucket of cold water. This can reboot the system. It can be putting on some music to dance. So it doesn't change the pattern of it. But but some situations may well be you have like right now I'm trapped in anger. I have to do something about it because I don't have the opportunity to just pull back and work with it. Or I have to be with these people for another three hours or whatever it is, right? Um, and then it may well be that when you feel the anger recede, either because you've been in the sun or regulated, or you've treated the symptoms, you've stuck your head in a constant stream, you've gone for a run, you've burned off the anger energy, you may be able to get back to the situation where the anger has become the trick and set some boundaries in a way that doesn't trigger them as much, because you're more balanced, which can then contribute to the anger not being activated quite so much again. So there are a few different ways to work with bren. Uh, could you say a little more about how to work with the beliefs and stories that can come up when you feel them?

  Uh, yeah. Um, and it's actually, it's going with what comes up spontaneously. So that is, when you're sitting and you're feeling for you, the trick is to allow what comes up and just observe it. So if you have had a meditation practice in one way or another, and it doesn't matter if it's moving meditation or stillness meditation, by meditation I mean just being aware of what arises in you without judgment and without the desire to change it. Whether it's the thought that came to mind, it's actually the inner witness you have. So when you're sitting there breathing you feel this pain and you might ask a question I want to understand this I want to understand this pain I want to show me where it comes from or it just says b you get an image or you get a conviction or you feel sometimes there can be such an image that you feel like a wild animal that wants to strike out at you because okay I've felt transgressed I've felt powerless If I feel violated I know what else lies in it. And here the trick is to actually allow these streams of information to flow. And sometimes it's a bit difficult because sometimes it's difficult what is fantasy and what pops up and what I here here sometimes you will be in doubt and it can be a bit of a gray area but the art is really just to let these things pop up and then they change as you feel the anger so it may be that some images come up of you lashing out or some sensations come over you so that you have such If you feel like standing and screaming and then screaming like that go away. Different things can come up. And the trick is really just to allow it to come up without you doing anything about it without you starting to analyze it or interpret it. So you turn into your mind to just let it be interesting to you and then really let yourself come to a place where a new piece comes up. And where you can see it is that when a state changes, for example from anger to sadness, the images can also change. It could be the image of seeing yourself and seeing a woman shouting in anger and so on, walking away and you can feel that it's such an internalized, crazy boundary setting that the next thing, when it's emotional pain, you see yourself or a woman maybe sobbing on the floor. Well, and you might not get pictures either. It can come in many ways. It could be that you just feel the feeling, and you feel it when you manage to breathe into it, that the feeling changes. You might get clear images that shock you. You might get thoughts coming in. So it's more so that I can try to keep it as open as possible, because otherwise you think that now I'm going to get this image of past lives. And that's not necessarily how it works, because we don't have a recipe for this. We can just see that there are such sensations that are activated, and something comes up, and it can be a contribution in relation to letting go. I've been very interested in energy work, especially for myself, but also for others. For some years it has been as a yoga teacher, among other things. How did you get started? Possibly somewhere, possibly the possibility that I can study at the same place. Um. Yes, let me see here. I think one of the best things that I think is very, very concrete, it's just Bran. Uh, Branon is her name. It's called Corel Light Healing, Light emerging and Hands of Light. And what I think is so cool about her is that she is an extremely skilled craftsman, because a lot of healing can be like that, if it's all intuitive, and you can't say anything. And that's actually not my experience. My experience is actually that it's a craft. Um, and I think she has many incredibly beautiful images in which she describes different energy struggles. So it's the thing about learning for someone who can see energy that some people can and not everyone can't. And for some it doesn't make any sense at all, so I try not to impose anything on anyone. It's more that I think her books in particular are enormously valuable because she has given me so many ways in which the energy shapes my view of energy that I've gotten so much that it's just emerged. It's obviously something I have with me. Uh we sometimes have something with us that we can if it's down the hatch where the hell it comes from. But there I could see how interesting it was. So it's completely similar to that so I would say she also has education so I think that's one of the best things, if you have to use it like that. So Barbara and Brenon and hands of light and light emerging and core light healing. So if you just google Barbara and Branon, you'll find both her school of healing and her books and audiobooks, so you can start with the books and then see if it's something that speaks to you. I find that many more women than men have sleep problems. Is that your perception as well? Do you have any perspectives on that? Yes, women statistically have much more challenged sleep. And it's related to mental laws. It's related to many of the things that women's brains are so, um, I'll just keep an eye on the time here. And we're a bit finished. I'll just finish this. Actually, what's interesting is when you scan a man's brain and a woman's brain. If you scan a man's brain and tell him not to think about anything, it's actually possible that there's almost no activity. That is, it's actually possible for many men not to think about anything. When you simply ask your boyfriend or partner are you thinking about taxes? He doesn't say anything and you think, you're lying to me. Just like that, he's not actually thinking about anything. Uh, women and men tend to laugh a lot about that and men and just like yes I'm not thinking about anything for many women it's, um, it's illogical because where the majority of us women our brain is so much in motion because we have more connections to more areas of the brain. So our brain is enormously buzing and especially in relation to when we have children and we have the extra load in that we are a little more aware of the children's area, we are a little more aware that there is a hole in the flight suit. I just have to bring the extra ones and then if I wash it, it's dry until the morning and so on. So we quickly get to take home the project of the role, because it's up to us to think in many of these holistic ways. The downside is that our brain can be so overworked that it becomes difficult to sleep. This is also why women are at increased risk of anxiety and depression. Men can also get depression, of course, but often they get it covertly, that is, they get another diagnosis first, typically addiction to gambling, sex, porn, drugs, something or other. And then underneath that is this depression of smoldering. Um, so there's something about having a brain that works. The way we've been conditioned, or the way we've survived, or mixed with the hormonal system mixed with many things. Um, so yes, as women we have to be very aware of our sleep. We actually need to be both women and men also need to be extremely aware of their mental and emotional health. And uh uh men are hard hit here. It can be difficult for men to work on their emotional health. There is still something there that is difficult for them. But for us women, we have to be very very very very careful about sleep. And we wake up, we typically have more awakenings and it takes longer for us to get to sleep. And we our sleep is hugely influenced by the quality of our intimacy the quality of our relationships and how worried we are about other people's by well our own by well partners by well and such general concerns about such conflicts in the workplace and you know there are conflicts the relational and stuff like that it typically statistically affects women's sleep a lot and that's also why it's also quite often helping their partners land such emotional drama they have with family and stuff like that because we women typically can't stand to be in it. It takes up so much space in us. We are tricked by it. So we're willing to go pretty far. Sometimes too far to have some kind of harmony. Sometimes we are willing, unfortunately, to keep harmony by not speaking our truth. But yes, it's true that we have to be very excited, so I experience both when we take quantum spinning and there's some kind of tension, so we expand our understanding of the world or expand our deep competencies, we can be affected by sleep, so it's because we're so full of adrenaline excitement but certainly also when we are stressed and when we are extremely worried on behalf of our children, our partner, ourselves and the world, it can give us many sleepless nights, so the better we get at bringing it home or getting it into us, the better we can also take care of our sleep