Podcast E18: Man's Unfulfilled Potential

Podcast episode E18, "Man's Unfulfilled Potential," focuses on the challenge many men face in a modern world where women have taken the lead in emotional and relational development. Sune Sloth argues that man's greatest unfulfilled potential lies in working with his attention directed towards the woman, which involves a deep understanding of her needs and a willingness to face the challenges that arise in that process.

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  Key Themes in E18:

  Women's Emotional Advance: Sune points out that in the wake of the struggle for equality, women have focused on personal development, especially in the emotional and relational realm. Men, on the other hand, have often lagged behind and failed to explore their emotional landscape.

  Women's Longing for Connection: The sources describe a deep longing among women to be seen, met, and understood on a deeper level. This longing often remains unmet, which can lead to frustration and broken relationships.

  Man's Attention as the Key: Sune argues that the man's ability to keep his attention directed towards the woman is crucial for a deep and fulfilling relationship. Choosing her "wholeheartedly" is a prerequisite for achieving the deep connection that many women long for.

  The Challenge of Going Deeper: Committing to a deep and intimate connection with a woman can be a challenge for many men. It requires courage and a willingness to confront the uncomfortable emotions and patterns that may emerge in the process.

  Ecstasy as a Reward: Sune believes that the effort the man puts into understanding and meeting the woman will lead to an ecstasy that extends beyond the sexual and permeates the entire relationship. This ecstasy is a natural consequence of the deep connection and intimacy that arises when the man chooses the woman.

  Women's Preferred "Porn": Sune introduces an interesting metaphor, where he compares women's reading of erotic literature to men's use of pornography. In erotic literature, women find a fantasy figure of the man who is fully present and focused on satisfying the woman. This figure represents the woman's longing for a man who is able to give her the attention and love she craves.

  Appreciation of the Feminine Energy: Sune points out that it is important for the man to appreciate the feminine energy and not try to control or dominate it. The woman's power should not be "tamed", but respected and met with love.

  Being the Man Women Long For:

  Sune's message in E18 is a call for men to step into their full potential by embracing feminine energy and committing to creating a deep and meaningful connection with the woman in their life. He argues that this journey will lead to an ecstasy that extends beyond the sexual and enriches the entire relationship. It takes courage, patience, and a willingness to look inward, but the reward is a love and intimacy that can transform the lives of both the man and the woman.

• Transcript

  Translated transcript of the original Danish podcast

  Host: Sune Sloth

  Hey men listening out there. Today I want to talk about the man's unrealised potential and give some travel tips and some thoughts in relation to working with the relational in a relationship, but also the relational in other contexts. And I'm going to dive right in and start with the man's unrealised potential. And then I'll get into some tips that I want to give you. And this should be taken as my point of view and expression of my journey. And I'm sure there are other ways of doing it, but this is what I've found so far. So since gender equality has taken off, women have taken the lead in many areas, not least in the development of emotional and relational maturity. While we men have physically lagged behind. Most men probably don't realise this, but most women know what I'm talking about. Women have been working on themselves, their emotions and relationships for decades, but most men haven't even considered the possibility. They agree to go to couples counselling to avoid a breakup, but eventually the woman has to face up. She recognises that she's been trying to break up with him for years, but to no avail. This has led to many broken relationships because over time the woman has felt lonely with her husband. As a result, over time she also loses the desire to have sex with him. Her body simply shuts down. We are entering an age where many women feel unseen and unmet, desperately hoping to one day meet a man who could come to them and see them. Their longing for a deeper connection goes unrecognised. Men's greatest unrealised potential therefore lies in the man working with his attention directed towards the woman. This means he tries to work with everything that comes up in the process because he wants her, because he loves her and because it hurts inside her if he flakes. Withdraws and becomes distant. And choosing the woman to stick with that choice over time, regardless of distractions is crucial. Choosing her wholeheartedly is a prerequisite. Going deeper and deeper in the relationship is difficult for us men, but over time it leads to an ecstasy that most men only know for gosm moment. It's an ecstasy that spreads beyond the everyday and allows the relationship to flourish. If I have to give a man one piece of advice, it's that it should be a woman. But I've also learnt that it's much, much easier said than done. When the man doesn't realise his own responsibility for his wandering attention and closes himself off, the woman loses the connection to him. When she asks him a question, he may become evasive and answer shortly. In short, he shuts down. He doesn't know what to say because he can't feel himself and doesn't really know what to do with what he feels, if he felt it. He may not have realised what he really wants from the relationship. He may not have really understood who she really is in her essence. Over time, she becomes more and more peaceful, i.e. irritated and stuttering, and eventually hard and cold because she has taken too much responsibility in the relationship and tried to wake him up out of desperation and longing. It makes her tired to the bone. Lack of honesty and clear intentions about what he wants from the relationship is the core problem. While attention wanders and they are mostly busy doing anything and everything other than watching and what with her they have chosen to do in a constant state. It's sports work checking other women out in the alley and so on. If men spent as much time practising their relational competence as they do playing sports, playing computer games, washing cars, the world would change into a completely different place. There is an unmet longing in most women that he overlooks deep down inside longing for his undivided focus. This is where many women's lack of desire for sex with him in the long run is to be found. Maturing in relationship skills opens her up over time and makes that sex longing suddenly open up and she blossoms in the light of his attention. I've written some points, some tips and some questions here, which I would say are about whether you're ready to take that journey again from my own perspective and my own way of approaching it. So you have to take it for what it is. I hope it can give you something. If you start working with polarity and relational openness, in my experience the following is required. And I want to talk briefly about what polarity is. And polarity is a four-letter word if you're a guardian, because there's no such thing as man and woman. And um, you could also say that polarity is about the sexual poles or the masculine feminine poles, but they can also manifest themselves inside the individual, and they can also manifest themselves in a different gender than the one we're talking about. And I'm not saying that to be vocal, but that's what I see, and that's what I call let's do it. I'm speaking from the perspective of a heterosexual white man in his 50s. And so you get that perspective, and I don't have experience with the other things, but I've also seen that it can be done and heard about it. So that's why polarity in this context is based on a man who is masculine-identified meeting a woman who is feminine-identified. And Mette has also written about this. But if you're in doubt about how you're identified here, you'll typically feel that if you're masculine identified, you'll typically be allowed and want to take her and take control in bed. And if she or the person you're with is feminine-identified, you'll want to open up and be receptive. That's basically the difference. And at the same time, I would also say that the journey here actually involves something that Jung also talks about, and that is integrating feminine and masculine in your own system over time, but there is a pole where we thrive best, and we naturally get energy and want to be. And that's what I'm talking about here. So if you want to be ready for this journey, I would recommend saying that working with personal issues can lead to feeling many difficult emotions and deep inner pain. And that, but it can also lead to new insights. Um, you have to be willing to dive into that and it takes raw strength, dedication and iron will to get through and it's not for everyone, but there are men and now we're taking that track and taking it from the mindset that it's mostly men who identify like that, we have an ability to stand in pain and stand through it like women have in their own way. But we also have an ability to do what is necessary. I would also say there may need to be deep changes in your life and difficult decisions around close relationships and love. You need to be brutally honest with yourself, and that is crucial. It requires taking deeper responsibility for your own life and making a change. It's a difficult journey to embark on alone as a man, and you need a loving, understanding partner who is both loving and understanding, but also ready to call your bullshit when you don't come clean when something is on the line. You need to take responsibility for your own journey, neither your woman nor your helpers can. It's part of the journey to be challenged by your own structures, ideas and thoughts along the way. And your emotions will come up again and again in different forms. You will experience pain, not only emotional, but also in your body, which is connected to some of the chronic things you may be dealing with that you haven't dealt with. And I will say that I've tried to take some of this journey alone. But being met and seen by a person who throws love at you or who pays loving attention to you opens up something that is not possible otherwise. And some might say in alternative circles that you can just do it yourself. But I would say that I have my doubts about that, because there is something about being able to surrender to being seen as a man, even when it's difficult to be vulnerable, that is crucial here. So I would say that something I call energy work, consciousness work, is perhaps also necessary. This has been crucial in my case, and I don't think I would be where I am now if it hadn't opened up along the way. It's also what some people call healing. I'm not crazy about the word, because it implies that you're not whole or that there's something wrong beforehand, and then you become whole. Erm. But where we are right now, everyone is in a place where they are suffering and have a lot of suffering you know. And where we're going potentially here on earth is a place where there's less of that kind of suffering. And it's not because somebody is wrong or sick or if they just got the right healing, everything will be fine. Um, it's because there's a process going on that is available to those who open themselves up to it. And it's a very, very difficult process to go through, and it's connected to what's going on right now. And I don't want to go into that process any further, but just say that it's part of the process. Then I would say that there are certain practices that can benefit you. For example, meditation, yoga and psychotherapy, I also have experience with shamanism in relation to the Toltec path. It's hard to pronounce. Uh formerly Car Kinere's path. Um, and that way of seeing the world can also contribute. But the most important thing here is that it's not about reading the lectionary. Nor is it about meditating your way to inner peace. Nor is it about relaxing yourself through yoga and psychotherapy, it's not just about getting down to your childhood. I'll come back to that. The way that I work with and do this together with that is what you would think, if you're a therapist, to your horror, is a sybiosis. It isn't. Doing it with a partner is against what is recommended in terms of worrying about symbiosis. But it's actually something completely different that we do. And in that context, I would say that it's about deeper and deeper integrity in the individual and not between merging. But that and that and that leads to a place where you are more and more in a clarity when you are not affected. And that clarity is more and more sustained and a kind of observational clarity that you can achieve through meditation. But when you do it through meditation, you practice observing things and letting them go again. This way, you can use that same awareness to dive into whatever comes up. But if you meditate on it and try to lift yourself up in frequency, you get used to and bypass what's difficult. And in Eastern philosophy they talk about the mind being like a monkey jumping around and you don't really take emotions and body uh and and thoughts uh very seriously because it's really a disturbance in relation to samadi or being one with the infinite or the universe or whatever you like to use words for that you can't put into words because if something is everything then there will be no words that fit because then you have taken a part of the whole. And in that connection, I would say that when we do energy work, we do consciousness work and you float above your feelings, thoughts and problems, you can temporarily be in a state where it doesn't bother you. But my own experience with over 20 years of working with it is that if you stop your practice, you go right back down into it because you've lifted yourself like a balloon. But the practice itself can be invaluable in terms of keeping your attention, focus and allowing things to come up. So in that sense, it's not a contradiction. But you could say it's the marriage between the Eastern philosophy that I've tried to outline here and the Western philosophy that says we go into emotions, we go into relationships, we feel things, we understand perspectives and so on and so forth. Um, and the strategic path. And there it is that we are in a dream that is disconnected from the reality that actually exists. And we dream that dream together, and it contains all sorts of elements that are skewed and polarised. And they are also sanded when you are in them. Um, but it's the dance between the process of, the processes that make a movement happen. So I would say that it can be a long journey. It requires patience. And I would also say that if you find that the exact same problem in the same form comes up again and again, then you're not doing something right. So one quality criterion is to be aware of whether there is progress. In other words, you can have a theme that appears in new forms, but if things come up in exactly the same way in the way you work with it, possibly working with a partner or third party, therapists and so on, then something is not working. So there's that good old saying that a madman does the same thing over and over again and expects a new result. So it's something about being aware of whether what you do, or what you do with your partner, or what you do with others transforms to a new place. And if I'm not doing that, it's not working. And then you'll hear people who are meditation teachers say, you just have to keep going long enough, and then at some point, you'll become like them. Um, I completely disagree with that. Erm. And then you could say that there must be, well, there must be transformative results as well. And I would say also in your everyday consciousness. So when you're out among others, you get a different awareness, a different consciousness that is permanent. Only then do you know if you've done it right in the mound. Now I'd like to touch on some focus points that I think are important to address in this context. And if you choose to take the journey with a woman, I would say that the first three main points I have for you are to choose a woman and keep your focus on her. Especially when the going gets tough. Practice the ability to notice locked states in your body, your emotions and identify the locked thought and behaviour patterns. When we talk about mental lockedness, that's what I would call walking into an edge. It's where you become so strongly focussed that it kind of locks you in. And you can only see one perspective. You become quite obsessed with your own idea of how things are. As a man, I find that we can be in different degrees of lockedness and have experienced it in many variants. And we're typically pretty convinced that we're on the right track and get excited if we're challenged. And I've found that these locked states can be mentally dissolved and worked with. And when you do that, you can risk having a momentary experience of going crazy. If you do it alone, it's very, very difficult because you have no one to hold the space for you. There is no one to hold you. There's no one to help you. And, um, you'll typically snap back because it's just too scary to stand in. So know that it can happen in the process. When we work with these locks or these edges, as I call them, you will experience falling into them. You'll also find that emotions come up that are difficult to be in. And that's actually about achieving your feminine competence, which is really about being with what is and allowing it to move. And you could say that the edges hold back the movement. It keeps it within a framework so that movement becomes impossible. And it's a, it's a difficult exercise. A difficult job. Um, I personally feel it in my body, physically, when these things cut, especially in the abdominal region, lower abdomen, but it can also feel physically in the heart, um, like it locks together, which causes problems with the stomach, um, and then suddenly it releases. And then you're in a new place. So practising the ability to feel the locked states is very crucial. And then it's about being able to allow yourself to be in them while you're working with them, and then get through them. And the locked states are patterns, survival patterns or patterns that are necessary for, that you may have got into the system over time, that have been necessary to function. They can also be backward stretching. It can be right down to what I would say almost your arm mass in terms of how you focus when you look at a woman or you're in a pressurised situation, a man steps on you or you feel provoked. Um, so it's connected all the way down to the way the nervous system works. We get right down and work with these things. And then I would say that the very crucial thing is intention as part of the Toltec tradition. Intention is the ability to set an intention and allow it to work through you. And I would also say the word allow is quite crucial here, because if you use your will, you have to use it sometimes, you say, you focus consciously, but there is another place to work from, where you say, I allow it to happen if it's possible. I allow this uh change to come through if I'm ready. I allow things to happen. And using the word allow, it has a different ring to it because you're not using your will. And if you're already locked into something beforehand and you're using your will, you can't allow something to come through that you don't know what it is. So you can't allow something to come through that is different from what you know. So we work with intention and allowing, but we can also work with using the will. And we use the will when we are facing something very difficult and we feel from our heart, from our depths, that it's important that we continue to persevere, even though it's hard to hurt. Even though the insights that come up may have consequences for your relationships. Erm, it could be for your work, your island, the things that are in your life that matter. And in this context, it may well be that the resistance is felt in relation to survival patterns, which can be enormously strong in the man, and of course also in the woman. Um, it could be that ø you're afraid of being lonely if you take the consequence of not having that deep love for the partner that you've chosen, or who has chosen you, and you've just said yes, or she was hot at the time, or I had children, and there could be all kinds of things. It's a huge consequence to allow yourself to realise that this relationship, it's not working. Or I don't feel the love for you, or even though we tried, it wasn't possible to make this work, just like it can be difficult to accept that your work isn't right for you. And I'm not calling for quick decisions, but I'm saying that if you don't allow the insight to come through and you close and say it's not possible, then you won't get the effect. And I'm not suggesting that you make quick decisions, but that you work with what comes up and take it seriously. You allow that insight to come through and allow it to integrate. I've spent a lot of time writing, having a document that I continue to work on, and then I simply write down everything that comes up. I've now reached a point where I simply don't have time to write it all down. This is despite the fact that I've learnt to type very, very quickly on a computer, as many people have. So um, I, but for many years, I really enjoyed using and writing something we call a diary, but it's not that important. It's a place where I put everything I think and feel and considerations into a document that is ongoing with a date on it. And I would recommend doing that as part of the process, if it is. And I would say it is, it's something that requires discipline to do. Then we get into methods. Um, and the first thing I would say is practices like energy work, therapy, meditation to understand and work with those difficult emotions, locked states, thoughts that can be painful to deal with. Seek help where you find it beneficial and interesting for you to work with things. If you have or are in a relationship with a woman who can work with your energy field, it can be a gift. But she must also be able to recognise that you are projecting. You see something in her that comes from your own system and you don't know where it comes from. And that can be really hard for her and difficult. So she has to be ready for this journey too. She has to be ready to open up to the fact that it can trick something in her that you see her that way. The fact that you shut down can hurt like hell. And it's something I only realised later that the lost connection in a feminine system can be very painful. And that's why it takes immeasurable effort to do together. But if you meet a woman who wants it and where there is love between you and the desire to let it move, then it's definitely an option. And I would say that the way Mette and I see it right now, there are really, really many women who are interested in these things and very, very few men. And there are some very strong, powerful women that Mette meets through her practice. And I would say that instead of worrying about her, you should perhaps be aware of whether you're willing to stand and go through this with her, if possible. She can also easily shut down. She can also easily project. She can be immature, childish and throw everything at you. We'll get to that. Back to. When you lock up, take responsibility and it's work and rectify the situation if possible. If you notice, so do what you can to take your projections home, your energy home, so if you feel any resistance on her, tell her, there's something happening inside me. I'm trying to figure out what's happening. And I'm working on it, and I'm well aware of it. Don't, um, give her a disc. For God's sake don't pretend you're listening to her and zoning out, disappearing mentally, don't do that. If you're not ready, if you don't feel like listening to her. And that brings us back to focused attention. If you can't or don't want to or don't feel like doing something else, don't. When you give your attention, do it for an honest place in your heart. If you really want to give her your focused undivided attention, as part of that, the gift you have as a man. And that's what leads to her being able to open up and want you. While you're at it, you also have to say that there are plenty of things that pull you away. Things that you just think could be more fun and enjoyable. And it's extremely difficult to choose to say, we want to do this. So it's as counter-intuitive as it can be, perhaps at least counter-culturally, that instead of going out and washing the car, you prioritise the relationship. You prioritise that you have time together, that you pay attention to the relationship, that you pay attention to her, and that you pay attention to what your part is in what's going on, where the connection breaks. And there we have something that is extremely difficult for a man like me to understand, but which I have become better at understanding, and which I do not understand. Not mentally, but that I understand from the heart, from the body. And you can get to the point where you can feel the connection slipping, and it hurts you too. But it's very difficult. It doesn't start there. It didn't for me. So it's about taking responsibility. And it's also about taking responsibility for the choice you've made here. Don't say you're doing something you're not doing. Um, the way of the warrior in the tradition of Carlos Carstaneder says: ‘Never say yes to something that you don't want to do or think you can do. So never say yes to something you don't want to do. So don't do something that you know deep down you can't or won't do. If she asks you if you want to be open, if you want to work with this and you really don't want to, don't say yes. And that's when it comes in, you know that there's a risk. Because she knows you know she wants to hear it and you know the next step is what she'll say: ‘Well, you don't even want to go to couples therapy, and if you say no, then you know the relationship Y. You owe it to her to be honest so she can make a choice if she wants you. So if you don't want her, if you're only with her for the sex, or because you're afraid of getting lonely because you haven't tested yourself in the dating market, because you're afraid that no one else wants you, or you're afraid of tying yourself up, or you're afraid of getting tired of sex with her because she's, you know, her body looks like this, or it's one way and not that. way and at some point you're going to get tired of it. So you have to be honest here. You have to be deeply, deeply honest with yourself. If you're in doubt, don't give an answer. And those are all the things you have to deal with here. So if you only talk about doing something without doing it, she will lose trust in you. And she loses trust in you. And that doesn't just apply relationally. It also applies if you say yes to building a terrace and then you screw it up and don't do it. It applies if you say yes to doing half of the house chores and you and you don't really want to do it, and then you kind of fuck off and let her do it, and then you're like, oh well, thinking, oh well, that's fine. I put the cup here and it goes automatically into the dishwasher. If your attitude and you're not paying attention to what you've promised, and the word honour is an old-fashioned word, but you have to take pride in keeping your promises. And if you can't, then you have to address yourself and say to her, I can't do this or I can't do it. So I have to figure out what we're doing here because it will build up over time and it will create distance. And that's the problem here, it's trust. If she doesn't trust that she can lean into you, into your strength, into your structure, into the power that you have, then she loses desire for you. This is very, very important. I want to repeat it. If she loses trust in you, she will lose the desire to have sex with you. And you are responsible for that trust, of course, there are women who, in their immaturity, demand more and more, who push their way in and become unreasonable, who demand more than what was agreed and who keep getting offended and keep demanding such a little girl. And that's when you have to realise where your boundaries are. So you can also be raised by a woman who is immature, for example. And you have to be willing to say, what should I do, what do I want to give? What do I want, how much do I want to give in this relationship? So if you only talk about doing something without doing it, she will lose trust in you over time and the desire will disappear. And you'll find that she'll get annoyed, but she won't say so. And women can go for a long time thinking about leaving you, and then suddenly it happens and you're like, no, I haven't seen her draw. But if you work it through with your previous relationships, if you've been left, you'll probably realise that there have been plenty of signs where she's lost trust and become annoyed with you. Because you haven't done what you promised. Because you haven't done what you've said. And because you haven't realised how much you want to give. Because you haven't set limits on how much you want to give. If you think you're overstretching. If you overstretch, then you get a feeling of being annoyed. Er, I know the English word is resentment, so it's like regret, but it's like an irritation that you're giving too much. And then you have this feeling inside. You think, well, she should do this and that. And when I do it, I've earned it. If you're in it, then overstretch. You. And you have to work on your own maturity, because if you're childishly childish on the inside, you might have this thing going that you think you're also doing something objective. As far as I know, it's something like 70% of housework is done by women in a western country like Denmark, when you do studies on it. Um, but when you ask the parties, the men think they do 50%. So remember this, it's hugely important. We need to have a talk about who is doing and how much. And if you think you bear some of the responsibility, for example by working more, then it's fair to say, I feel I'm making an extra effort here. If you earn enough money, make sure you hire a maid in other ways. Ø make sure you buy a fat robot vacuum cleaner Ø in other ways make sure she gets lifted from this drum room. So the modern Danish woman is under pressure from all sides, and there's a huge amount of perfectionism and guilty conscience. Women push each other. And they have an internal competition about who gets in, who gets into the different things, and you have to be a certain way. Um, and at the same time they feel a great responsibility for the children. Um, so women need you to step into character here, not to be wimpy, not to be a bit uh uh uh soft uh uh well I think so, and you know and blah blah. And then you get pissed off at her and hide your aggression. Your aggression and your power. And if it's under, if there's heart in it, then it's just power. But if it's out of control because you don't have yourself in it, then you get angry and irritated. And if you become passive aggressive and hold your aggression in, she'll feel it too. You can't sugarcoat this for a woman. The vast majority of women are much more trained to read your body language, your facial expressions, facial micro expressions. Um. And you'll say she's saying there's something wrong. Saying, well, there's nothing. you have to pay attention. Maybe there is something. At some point, she'll get so tired of you that she'll be annoyed to hear your breathing. She gets annoyed that you're going to watch a bit of football and you know it's overtime and you know you can't take the kids off and can't be bothered to get up when the kids are crying and things like that. You have to be super aware here, if you want you to connect and thus also the sex life and the desire for connection from her side of you, then you have to take this seriously. If you can't stand the distance and fall out and don't act, then you should end the relationship to protect her heart. Because women have longing, deep, deep longing. Many women have. And it's the longing for connection. And in um form, it's such a fantasy universe uh like island where the ideal man, he's like that we saw such a such a such a great novel down in Superbrug Maj Mette. It was called The Bad Earl. At the back it said something along the lines of he's been bad and there have been lots of women, he's been to war and stuff like that. And then this beautiful woman comes along, and he realises she's the one and only, and he's kind of tamed in some way because he sees her and his focus is on her. This is the woman's fantasy. There is also some immaturity in it. The woman in her maturity doesn't want to tame the man. She doesn't want to control him either. Nor does she want to convert him. But there is a deeper, erotic longing in it. And if you as a man understand this, you realise that the man's strength should not be tamed, but it should go to a place where he wants to direct it towards her when he chooses, and he has not moved his strength away. He hasn't become wimpy. He hasn't become one of those greasers that's talking her up and doing something else himself. So that kind of porn women more than watching porn, because there are some women who watch porn, it's erotic literature. And here you can see, if you go and look at something like Daniel Steel and 50 Shades of Grey and stuff like that, you'll see what the woman's sexuality is about, that he's focused on her. Woman wants you to see her undivided, so there's not everything else going on. That doesn't mean you can't do other things. It means that when you choose to focus on her, you want to focus fully on her. And anything that disturbs you, you work on that. So I would say to those men who work with self-development and use it as a way to deal with women. Um. And it can be abused as a way to keep her. Then we'll have a chat. I'll tell her how I feel and what my needs are. And then we'll have non-violent communication, and then you'll tell me your stuff, and then we'll go for 10 minutes, and then we'll talk about meeting each other's needs. It doesn't work. You can use the method to realise different things, but if your attitude is that you have to meet each other's needs, it doesn't work. Oh, and there are some men who use this universe to seduce women and distract them so they don't get confused that your intentions are not pure, that you don't actually know them in your heart. Uh, so don't keep your hand out with empty talk about self-development, and don't keep your hand out that you're going to do something and go to therapy and then don't do it. Like I said before, if you say you're going to do it, do it. And that goes all the way round. So you have to stand by what you say you're going to do. And if she turns you down because of that, and that's your integrity, that's how you're going to handle it, then so be it. Don't be strategic with a woman. It's not going to work. But you can think like that, because we men, we've come to that over time. And so I would say be open and allow yourself to show your own vulnerability, even if the risk is that she might judge you and reject you. Then it's her choice if she wants to be rejected. It's also her choice if she came back. Women can be extremely fearful of a man who shows vulnerability because what are they going to do? What if he collapses and doesn't get back up? What if you get depression? What if he gets anxiety? What if he can't look after the family? What if he can't look after her? But she needs to be able to cope with that if you are going to go on this journey together. You also need to be able to be met when you are vulnerable. But you have a responsibility to do the work to get back up and not lie down and let self-pity overcome you. If you allow self-pity to overcome you, then she will withdraw because she can't do that in the long run. There are many women who have enough love for both of them and think the man will open up because she has that love. And I would say to have enough love for you and meet her with the love you bring. Don't let her overcompensate by having enough love for you. And you do that by taking responsibility when it's hard, when you crash, when you smoke. Out and fall out if you will. Personally, I just enjoy David's data, and we've talked about that before. I would recommend Dear Lover to understand the feminine, understand the feminine sexuality and understand how her heart opens up and for God's sake don't abuse it. Lend it to me because it's such deep insight that's in the dealopper. I would not recommend Masculine Man. It's too simple, it's cheesy. Um and overall not very beneficial. Um, sexual communion is also called. Erm, Finding God through Sex is also a great book. Those three books are worth considering. Erm, we've talked about polarity before. We talk about the different, you could say, stages that relationships are in when we talk about David data. You will sometimes find yourselves falling into discussions about who has problems, who needs to work on themselves. It's a trap. You have to lift yourself out of it if you're going to do it yourself. Instead, use energy work and solve your own first. Like I said, if you have a problem, lift yourself out of it. Instead, use energy work, other ways. Therapy, meditation, right self work, whatever. And solve your own first. Get it out of the way. Give her plenty of space and never pressure her to open up. And this is especially true if you want to have sex with her. Don't push her. You have to dare to want a woman even when she shuts down. And be aware that women, if you're in an okay place and she shuts down, you have to dare to want her. You need to turn to your woman when she's struggling, when she shuts down, when she's mean, when she's sad. Instead of leaving her alone, you need to dare to seek her out. Of course, there's a risk of rejection that comes with it, but that's the place she needs your loving attention the most. And by loving, I mean what could be called unconditional love, it means that you don't shy away from that. I don't want love on that, and I do want love on that, and that's you giving her your undivided attention out of a love for her. And that's where she has the opportunity to be vulnerable. And you should never abuse that. You must never abuse what she has told you or said. You must never say to her, well, you have so many problems, or you should go to a psychiatrist, or you're probably all this and that and diagnoses and things like that. Erm, it's probably you that's wrong. Look at how often you're sad, or you also have problems with your family. It's probably something with you. You should never do that. Don't ever, ever abuse a vulnerability, not even in front of others. Don't stand up to other men and say, well, she's annoying too and so on. She is, she is also so many. She also gets, she's also so hysterical. It's the ugliest habit I've seen among men. It's when you stand there and then slander your wife or girlfriend a little. And women are like that too. Don't do it. If you join in, my judgement, my thought will be about you. You haven't taken responsibility for your relationship, but then it's not like that for women. Then you have a problem you haven't solved. Then you have a problem that you haven't solved in yourself. Either to make a significant choice about the relationship if she has a personality that is very, very difficult, and then you have not made that choice and taken the consequences. But if she has other issues, then you haven't made the choice to show her the love that she needs. So don't ever hand your chosen woman over to other men. Don't slander her. Um, so if there is a starting point for talking to other men, it's about how do you handle that situation yourself? How do you stand in it yourself? How do you make a good choice in the long run? Then I would also say about tantra. Don't use tantra as a technique to open up a woman unless you want her from the heart. Er, that's misbrog. It's simply misbrog of her longing, because at some point the vast majority of women will open up. Um, and then they'll start to feel a connection with you. And you create that artificially through tantra. And if you can, and you become skilled at making women orgasm, then that will happen too. Um, so opening a woman, you don't open a woman. It's not something we do. It's something she chooses to open up to you. And if you're using techniques of different kinds to do that, it's because you want to have sex, you want to have access to a variety of women. You think there are a lot of hot women out there in, I don't know, the alternative scene who take good care of themselves. And then you just find a way here with pearl necklaces and the right style. But basically you don't want to come along, so I would say don't. Respect her. So don't. Don't abuse it. Then I would say if you choose a partner, choose her wholeheartedly instead of half-heartedly. Be willing to take the consequences of your choice. And that also means ending the relationship if it is that your heart is not fully in it. So you have to be brutally honest with yourself. Is your heart in it or did you choose her for other reasons? Are you staying with her for other reasons? If you don't have the top priority in your life and take the journey with the woman you've chosen, then don't take the journey. Be honest with him if that's the case. I realise that you can find yourself in situations where you have children together and you kind of have to be together. In those cases, I would say you have to be honest and say that this is the kind of relationship we have. Then you have to be honest about it. But don't pretend that you have a deep sexual connection or demand that it be there if you don't want her with all your heart. So take the journey with a woman you love, but also someone who consciously wants to take the journey with you. I've tried taking this journey with a woman who didn't consciously want it. It doesn't work. She shuts down and she doesn't want to work with it. She gets annoyed with you because you sometimes open up and are vulnerable and are like can you go out and get someone to deal with that? And it can end up there. And she can easily be alternatively orientated and say that she wants to do these things. Say all the right words, but in practice she wants distance. And withdraw from you and become absent or distant, because she can't, she doesn't want to go into what's difficult inside herself. You could say it could be a question of whether she trusts you. It could also be because you have too much material of your own. Um, but this woman hadn't consciously wanted to take the journey. So if you both, if you, if you choose a woman, if you are not conscious about taking this journey, you can end up in that situation. A lot of women get to that point and think, how can I open up my man? How can I get him to go on this journey with me? You can't get him to do that. That is, if the man doesn't have a driving force from his own heart, from his own power, that he wants this more than you basically. He will open up because he wants that relationship. He wants to connect. He wants to be in a place where he is deeply at peace. And he wants to like con this and stand in all the pain. Then you're not enough. He needs to know it from the inside. And that's what decides it. So you can't open up a man and get him interested and take him to a workshop and then it happens. You can't take him to a polarity workshop and something will happen. If he doesn't have that deep drive. You don't need a yes. You need a fucking yes. You need a yes from your woman, which is and it goes both ways. You talk about, but women experience this a lot. They have many women who approach us and say, how do I open him up, and what if I work on myself, and where does it end up? Well, it can end up where you say, I can live with her and accept that she doesn't want this, and I work on myself. But it will be painful, because you'll feel that there's a disconnect. There are areas of the relationship that you can't talk about. There are still areas you can't connect that are difficult. And those areas will grow. And you can't do the work for you for both of you. You can't. Keep your heart open and feel your love when the woman is projecting, getting angry, frustrated at you. Try to see if you can keep your loving attention on it. But if you have worked with and can see the unrealistic demands being made. Um, and you're being picked on in a way that's unreasonable, then you have to stand your ground and hold on to the fact that you won't take it in. You have to be able to stand your ground and say, I won't take this into my energy field. Um, but you can, she must be allowed to be in her immaturity. She needs to be allowed to sit rich. That's the way she gets to know her power if she's been shut down, which most women have. They have to be good girls. They can't be wild and violent and fired up. If you want a woman who has that power, you have to be able to look at her with love when she goes down this path. Erm, because that power, when it's locked down like the pot, and it's locked up tight, it becomes explosive. But the moment you get acquainted with your power, you can expand being in it, and then it's integrity, and then there's something else. So the Shaistic, the Shaminic approach here, the Soltagic was that there is nothing, it's just, it's just power. Call it personal power. It's personal power. And a woman who unfolds in personal power, who has an open brain, that's one of the most beautiful things you can experience. So you think women are beautiful in all their forms, as I think the feminine is immodestly beautiful. Then you should experience the woman who opens up in this way. Yes. Cultivate the ability to open your heart when she's having a hard time and cultivate your will to keep going and going, but only hold on if over time she also works with her own lockdown and her own hard things. You can't demand where she needs to go, but she must have a will to work on things. She must have an inner drive because she doesn't want to get stuck in what's difficult. Be aware that she can also talk about doing something about it and not doing something about it. And that's when you need to consider how long you can put up with it. And then comes a really difficult time when you have to train yourself to be in her loving presence, so she wants to connect, and you close yourself off. That's often when things come up and that's when it gets difficult. And that's something you can get used to, and then you can work with what comes up. Then you have to withdraw because you can't take it. Let's say you've come, you have, you just want her to go away. There it is. If you can do it, there can be a connection there where there's no closure, where you don't lock your system, but that applies in all other situations. You don't have to force yourself to do it, but you can have a will to keep exposing yourself to what is difficult, which is her loving attention and what she knows about you. There is no such thing as a woman being Klingon. There's no such thing as there's no such thing as there's no point. Oh, you could say that there can be some relational problems, where some are very codependent. So of course there is such a thing. But the fact that she has a longing for connection with you is beautiful. About her I would say, allow your woman to be your oracle. As a man, we often have the limitation of not being able to see beyond the boundaries of our own consciousness, our edge, the tip of our nose, what I talked about before, it will happen again and again. You have to allow her to see you and allow her to see your limitations. And then you have to decide whether it's immaturity or projections. If she is abusing your vulnerability to walk on you, go cold or withdraw or consistently criticise you for your weakness, then consider if she is ready for the journey. Uh, it could be a defence she needs. It could also be that she's lost faith in you. Either way, it's a warning sign you need to pay attention to. You need to give her the freedom to push back, but don't be afraid to say out loud that you want her. So if she's rejecting you, then you could be strategic and back off. But you can also do something else and say, I want you even if you and you are free. There will be no consequences. I'm not going to retaliate or get angry or slander you if you end up not wanting the relationship. Uh, and then of course, uh, you have to keep it so that you give her full freedom to choose. Because this can be so difficult that she may be faced with a choice of whether she wants to continue or not. And she should be allowed to make that choice, and you should be allowed to make that choice too. It's only when you choose each other for full freedom here, without any indirect or direct consequences, then I'll take the kids away from you, then this and that will happen. Um, you know, if such and such happens, then such and such happens. Well, I've been in a relationship where I was led to believe that if I left the woman, she would take the children from me. And she did that very effectively by alienating them and continuing to give them the impression of a horrible person on the other end. And so there are women who if you don't want the relationship or want to be friends then you get a threat. And of course that's an extreme, but it does exist. And then remember again, your focused and full attention is a gift to her. But she can choose whether she wants to accept it. If she doesn't want your attention, then you should be aware of that too. When women talk about men being creepy, well, that one is not creepy and that one is creepy. It's actually something to do with the fact that there are some men who want your attention and others who absolutely do not want your attention. And so you have to pay close attention to whether she wants your attention and respect and draw it to you if she really doesn't want it. And then I have some last minute advice here. You both have the responsibility to get back to her if the connection falters or breaks. You both do. It's not a choice you can make for you, and she can't make it for you. It takes two people to choose to come back when the relationship is broken. Um, if one person doesn't choose to come back, then there will be these areas of things we don't get to talk through, or we don't get to work through, or we don't allow to work through too. And it's not that you always have to talk about things, because it doesn't always work, but there will be places where a distance builds up. And that's the opposite of what I'm talking about here. That's typically how relationships will go. I'm talking about actually doing the opposite and saying that both parties want that where it's difficult is where they work to meet in what's difficult and then let it transform. Choosing the relationship is a conscious choice for both parties. No one can force their longing on others. We cannot impose our longing on each other. We can't force our sexuality on others. You don't have the right to your woman. You don't have the right to pinch her. You don't have the right to take her. It is a gift if you are allowed. If she is inviting and allows you to open up, then it's a gift to you. You can never ever umm your attitude is that there should also be sex and she should also do something about herself. And why is it that she doesn't want to have sex anyway, and couldn't she just go to therapy? Then you're way offline. That's not what we're talking about here. And you can't wake her up by getting angry and frustrated and going out. She'll shut down. But you can stand in your powerfulness without attacking her and keep your integrity. And then she can choose whether she wants you. But you awaken her by seeing her from your heart and working with your integrity and thus she can gain trust in you. And it is deeply appreciated if she lets you into her inner sleeping couple. Space. She won't open up if you're expecting her to open up because you're working on yourself or doing some tantra or doing all the right things, or now I've done the dishes, or now let and then sex might fall off. So, if you're there, if you're thinking that sex is an end in itself, uh, then you get less of it. So sex can't be an end in itself. And it's a very, very difficult washing system, because unless you've worked through a lot of things, the sexual power builds up. Because we're so locked in, and then you want to come and um and and you're turned on by everything around you, and you want to eat because then she doesn't want to and you get frustrated. You have to release that frustration. It's part of our evolutionary journey that it's pushed down and locked up. Um, and you have to figure out how to work with that. It's a difficult process. Um, but it can be done. Remember, the woman initiates the opening towards deeper connection. She has to assess whether you're worthy to let you see her. So there's something about her seeing you and seeing if you're worthy to go the distance. Are you worthy to see her. Um, you need to be assessed here. Is there something you're not seeing? Why is she rejecting you? And there was always something to start with your own and then she has to take responsibility for her own. You can't be focused on her working on her own and say can't you just and then it would be better. Or shouldn't we make a schedule? And then we could have six twice a week, because then we've created a structure around it. It doesn't work. So if you end up there, then you're very far from that goal. So you have to want it with your heart. You have to want it relationally. You have to want to open up in love. You have to want to get better at being in it and allow her to be able to love you without it all getting locked up. Then the sex comes as a side effect. It's part of the package that can happen. And the sexual encounter can be extremely beautiful. And it can be hugely erotic. It can be hugely varied. So some of the longing you can have for women to have different types is, in my own experience, that many women are so closed down that when you meet a woman who is like that, she has a very specific frequency band of sexuality, like a certain song she typically plays or very few. And then there are some who are like this and some who are like this. This is reflected in your perception of her body, which has a certain shape that you find fascinating at first. At some point you get tired of it. But it can play through her with all sorts of variations if she opens up. Up, allowing herself and giving it as a gift to you. And suddenly the sexual can have all sorts of facets from the most uh hard, intimate fuck to the most sensual and in all sorts of flavours. Um, but it requires her to work on herself and allow herself to open up in these things. If she keeps not opening up to it, you might have something to work on that you're overlooking. But it could also just mean that she's not the right person to travel with. And you need to be ready to evaluate whether you're on the right track here, whether you've found the right person. And as a man, you can also have enough love for two and project it into her. Um, and I've tried that myself. And uh, some of them, so you can see a depth in her or a potential that she can't live up to in reality, but which may be there, but which she doesn't want to unfold or can't. Um, and with these words I'd like to end this talk and say thank you for watching and listening. Remember to come in and visit us on our website ødelalineeffekten øhdk and remember we do lectures, we do work with couples and so on. Mette does single sessions and consultations and you can also call for sessions and concentrations with me if you want to work with these things as a man. Thanks for listening.