Who Should Be the Father of My Children?

Emotional Competence is Key

When we talk about having children, it's crucial to consider what kind of man we choose as the father. If you're with a man who lacks emotional competence or doesn't have the ability to handle conflicts, it will always be a tremendous strain – not because of the children, but because the lack of emotional security can hit hard. Children need stability, and it's essential that both partners can reach each other on an emotional level. If your man doesn't understand this, you risk having children with a man who can't stand up for himself or your family.

The Fear of Conflict: A Different Kind of Problem

There's also the other type of man, who is so afraid of losing the relationship that he never speaks up. If he consistently can't set boundaries and constantly compromises for fear of creating conflict, it will also create problems in the long run. If you as a woman can never handle it when your man gets angry or disagrees with you, and he therefore refrains from putting you in your place, you will lose respect for him over time, and in the worst case, it can also kill the desire for intimacy. Such a dynamic can cause you to fall apart, and it will create a lot of problems for both your relationship and family life.

The Trap of the Always Agreeable Man

As women, we can sometimes think that the best thing is to find a man who is always responsive, always agrees with us, and always meets our needs. But the truth is, it can make us immature and cause us to lose connection with our own strength. If we can't handle a man who challenges us or sets boundaries, we end up becoming a lesser version of ourselves. We need a man who stands strong, even against us. A man who dares to set boundaries – not only for us, but also for the children and others in the family.

Conflict as a Path to Deeper Connection

It's not easy to be in a relationship where there are conflicts, but it's important. For the man who dares to stand up for himself and for you as a family, is also the man who can give you space to be yourself – even when you falter. That's what creates deep love and security, because you know that you can find each other again on the other side of a conflict.

The Destructive Power of Resentment

If you hold a grudge, or if he does, it becomes devastating for the relationship. It's one of the things that can create major problems in a relationship. If one of you doesn't take responsibility for handling the resentment and the underlying conflicts, you end up wearing each other down. You must be prepared to leave a relationship if it means that you don't have to bear a grudge, because it's the most damaging thing for both yourself and the family.

Love vs. Cultural Norms: The Foundation for Parenthood

When you consider having children with a man, be aware of whether your relationship is built on love, or whether you are simply following a cultural norm about having children because "everyone else is doing it". If you choose to have children with a man because it feels like the last chance, or because "now is the time", without there being a genuine foundation of love, it will often catch up with you later. Then it's better to be completely honest from the start and make a clear agreement, if it's not about deep love, but about a joint decision to have children together.

Honesty and Awareness: Essential for Success

Honesty and awareness are the key words here. If you don't have honest conversations about your needs, it can lead to a lot of problems later in the relationship. This also applies to the sexual aspect, which is often forgotten when children come into the picture. If you can't talk openly about sex and intimacy, or if one of you can't handle feedback in the bedroom, it's a red flag. It will create distance and frustration that can be difficult to fix later.

Being Conscious of What You're Entering Into

Therefore, it is so important to be aware of what you're entering into when you choose to have children together. If there are unspoken expectations, or if you choose each other for practical reasons instead of love, the unspoken things will begin to intrude and create problems. It's not easy, but it's necessary to be honest and dare to have the difficult conversations before you take the step and have children together.

For more information listen to podcast E38.