The Three Stages of Relationships
We see three stages in a relationship that reflect different levels of maturity and consciousness. They are inspired by David Deida, but not limited by his interpretation, and they are described in detail in Mette Miriam Sloth latest book.
Stage 1
This stage is called the "merchant's bargain" or the macho/bimbo relationship.
It is characterized by superficial qualities such as appearance, status, finances, and sexual attraction.
The parties focus on what they can get out of the relationship rather than what they can contribute.
This stage is often associated with immaturity and a lack of self-awareness.
An example of this stage is when a woman is attracted to a man solely because of his strong jawline, well-trained body, social status, and money.
Stage 2
In this stage, the partners seek equality, intellectual and emotional connection. It is also called the 50/50 stage.
Emphasis is placed on respectful communication and on working to resolve emotional and responsibility conflicts.
The longing to seek connection in several areas can cause the differences to be diluted, and the sexual attraction therefore decreases or disappears completely.
Many couples go to couples therapy hoping to solve this problem, which they typically express in this way: "How come we don't have much desire for each other when we are so good together in so many other areas?"
Many couples spend a long time navigating this stage in societies where equality is paramount. It is a necessary step to master stage 3, to be able to recognize the need and longing for something deeper.
Stage 3
This stage is characterized by a deeper connection, where both parties are free and independent but consciously choose to take the love journey together. Stage 3 is also called "freedom in diversity."
The woman is not dependent on her partner's love but rests in her own inner source of love, and the man is not dependent on the woman's light and sexuality but has access to his inner light and ecstasy.
However, both are simultaneously able to both give and receive (and enjoy) each other's gifts.
Polarity is cultivated consciously and can be balanced with everyday tasks without losing the spark that existed in stage 1.
The couple can achieve insights and levels of love that they would not be able to achieve individually, both mentally, emotionally, sexually, physically, and spiritually.
It takes a lot of work with emotional maturity and consciousness to reach and maintain stage 3 stably.
Integration of the Stages
It is important to remember that the stages are not static, and you can move back and forth between them and be at different levels at the same time. However, an integrated stage 3 requires that the two previous phases have been lived out to some extent and the experiences have been made conscious. Roughly speaking, the earlier stages can be seen as the foundation for the later stages.
Being in stage 3 does not mean that you are more evolved, spiritual, or above other people. It simply means that you have begun to realize that a deeper connection is possible.
Where We Differ from Deida
We differ from David Deida's approach by having a distinct view of how to concretely work with stage 3 and polarity. Where Deida suggests exercises to open up, which in our assessment only work temporarily (especially for men), we work with a permanent development of openness through therapy, coaching, and energy work with the goal of creating permanent changes. It is about "cleaning up" phase 1 and 2 and integrating all the insights so you can stand on the shoulders of your own life experiences.
The journey towards increased openness and depth in relationships is one you can also take, even if you are not in an intimate relationship. If you want to know more about the journey, we have a guide for feminine-oriented beings and masculine-oriented beings.
