Woman's Over-Responsibility in the Relationship

We see several aspects of women's relational over-responsibility, a pattern where women often take on a disproportionate amount of responsibility for others' feelings, well-being, and practical tasks, especially around the home and children.

Collective and Cultural Roots

Over-responsibility can partly be attributed to collective and cultural expectations of women. For generations, women have often carried a heavy burden in family life and relationships, which may have created a tendency to suppress their own needs and prioritize others.

Attachment Patterns and Childhood Traumas

Over-responsibility can also be rooted in unresolved traumas from childhood and inappropriate attachment patterns. We see that if a woman has not experienced having her needs met in childhood, she may develop a tendency to overcompensate in adulthood by taking over-responsibility.

Anger as a Signal

Anger can be a sign that a woman is carrying too much responsibility in a relationship. When anger bubbles up, it can be a signal that her own needs are not being met or that she is exceeding her limits. Here she can work to integrate the anger and transform it into inherent power.

The Woman as Peacemaker

Women often take on the role of peacemaker in the relationship, which can lead to over-responsibility. In an attempt to avoid conflict and maintain harmony, they may suppress their own feelings and needs.

Sexual Polarity and Surrender

In the sexual dynamic, women's longing to surrender can lead them to take on an over-responsibility to create security and trust in the relationship. They may feel obligated to 'fix' the partner's insecurities, irritation, or aggression, or to 'wake him up'.

Motherhood and Responsibility

We point out that motherhood can exacerbate the tendency to over-responsibility. Women can feel enormous pressure to be 'perfect' mothers and can overload themselves to meet the needs of their children. Women also experience, to a greater extent than men, that they bear the responsibility for their children's well-being. The current great focus on attachment (however wonderful it may be) unfortunately contributes to mothers' anxiety and over-responsibility because they experience that the entire responsibility for "secure attachment" rests on their shoulders alone.

Consequences of Over-Responsibility

Relational over-responsibility can have several negative consequences for women. It can lead to burnout, stress, low self-esteem, and a feeling of being trapped.

Women can become aware of their over-responsibility patterns and work on setting healthy boundaries and working on transforming their anger into power - read more about it here. It is about letting go of the need to control and instead making room for your own vulnerability and letting your partner take responsibility for their part of the relationship. However, we recognize that this is not always possible, which is why many women end up leaving their partner when they have been in over-responsibility for many years in a row.

Listen to podcast episode 37 for a deep dive. Source: Conversations with my imaginary daughter, by Mette Miriam Sloth.