Who Should You Have Children With?

When we talk about having children and choosing a partner for it, there are many layers of considerations that we, as women, may not always be aware of. I can look back on my first marriage and recognize that in many ways I was immature. I took on an over-responsibility; I could not communicate my needs, and I ended up giving and giving, without it leading anywhere. It became a prison for me. I have been through these dynamics where I wanted to become a mother, and something definitely happens in us women when we are in a long-term relationship and start dreaming of children.

Deep-Rooted Dynamics

But what I have learned, and what I see many women struggling with, is that we sometimes use our verbal superiority to avoid responsibility in the relationship. I have done it myself. I could get my partner to apologize for something that was really my own problem. It was a survival mechanism I developed, but I did not like those sides of myself. It became clear to me that I could not stay in that marriage because we had such deeply rooted dynamics that I could not move on.

Having Children

Having children in that relationship was a violent process. Our son did not sleep, and I had to confront a lot of my own deep wounds from childhood. I grew up with emotional neglect, and my parents were not able to connect with me as a child. It made me learn early on to take care of others and always be aware of the needs of others to feel safe. So when I became a mother myself, all this came to the surface, and it became a challenge for our relationship. My ex-husband may have found it easier to take care of our son as a baby, but the freedom-seeking aspect of parenthood became a challenge, especially when our son grew older.

Meeting a New Partner

Meeting a new partner after my first marriage has been a completely different experience. I have learned that it is important to choose a partner who is willing to work on their own wounds and challenges, just as I have done myself. What was so frustrating in my first marriage was that my ex-husband talked about changing, but never did it. It became clear that we could not grow together as a family. I have also learned that when you choose a partner to have children with, it is crucial to consider what your relationship will be like if you are no longer together. Can you cooperate as parents if you get divorced? What will it look like? These are questions I did not ask myself in my first marriage, but which I now see are absolutely essential.

In a Relationship

Being in a relationship and having children is not just about love and intimacy, but also about being able to handle the practical and emotional challenges that come with it. I have experienced how difficult it can be to navigate these dynamics, especially when we women tend to take over-responsibility and feel wrong when we cannot live up to our own or others' expectations.

Concluding Thoughts

So when you stand there and consider who you should have more children with, think about whether this person can meet you when you are in your most vulnerable and immature moments. Can he give you space to be you, without making you wrong? And can you both take responsibility for your own wounds and patterns? It is not easy, but it is necessary if you want to create a calm, beautiful and supportive family life together.

Sources: Conversations with my imaginary daughter by Mette Miriam Sloth.