Beyond Nice: A Man's Guide to Responsible Love
Choose her wholeheartedly instead of half-heartedly, and be willing to take the consequences of your choices - also to end a relationship if you do not have your heart fully in it. If the relational and she do not have top priority in your life, and you do not want to take the deeper journey with the woman you have chosen, then do not. Be honest with her if this is the case. There is no shame in not wanting to take the journey. Few men have the determination for it, and would rather fall to the pattern of cycling, the boys, the workshop, the work, etc. If you are one of them, then be honest and do not lie to her, if this is her deepest wish.
Embrace the Journey, With Awareness
Take the journey together with a woman you truly love, but also one who consciously wants to take the journey with you. Expect that she, like you, will come to project her own difficult states and inner lockups onto you. It is a completely natural part of the process. Keep your heart open and feel your love for her when she projects - but also refuse to take her immaturity on you if you know for sure that it is not your own. Just say "I can't take that on" - feel in your body whether you are right - are you yourself closing? Have you done your homework? But can you feel that you are fulfilled by your own: Lockups in the body, feelings of "being right", cemented convictions, etc. - then take care of it. Listen to her if she can feel you are closing, but you yourself deny. Take time in your own room to reflect on whether she has a point: Nothing is more unsexy than a man who does not take responsibility.
Take Action, or Walk Away
Cultivate the ability to stand in holding your heart open when she is having a hard time. Cultivate your will to keep at it and just hold on if she over time also works to open up. Be aware of whether she talks about doing something about it, but does not do anything about it. In that case, you should consider leaving the relationship. If you suspect narcissism, listen to our podcast about the subject (E28) and become wiser about the subject. It is a serious accusation and should never be said aloud, if this is the case, then have an exit strategy (we cover them in the podcast).
It's Not All About You: Allow Her to Be Your Oracle
Allow your woman to be your oracle: As a man, we are often limited by often not being able to see beyond our own boundaries of consciousness (read nose tip). It will happen again and again - allow her to see you when it happens. Learn to distinguish between when she is your oracle and when she is caught in her own immaturity and projections.
Know When to Walk Away
If she abuses your vulnerability to repeatedly "go after you" or becomes cold and consistently pulls away and does not want to "talk about it", then consider whether she is ready for the journey.
Give her the freedom to choose you from, but do not be afraid to say aloud that you want her, but at the same time have full respect for her choice. If she opens up to you, then see it as a gift - you will feel it as a feeling of gratitude in your heart.
Your focused and full attention is your gift to her. If she meets you again and again with an expectation that you give your attention to her, without her at any time wanting to open up in vulnerability, and keeps making you the problem in relation no matter how much you yourself are struggling - then she escapes relational responsibility and then it is a red flag. Listen to the podcast about narcissism E28.
