The Silent Treatment in Narcissism
Being “put on ice” is a manipulative tactic, a form of psychological abuse when used systematically, often employed by those with strong narcissistic traits. It involves ignoring someone to punish or control them—placing them “on ice” and later returning as if nothing happened. In professional literature, this is called "The Silent Treatment."
The Purpose
Avoiding Responsibility and Confrontation: The narcissist avoids dealing with their emotions and taking responsibility for their actions by shutting down communication.
Punishment: It's used to punish you for not meeting the narcissist's needs or expectations.
Creating Fear and Insecurity: This tactic aims to regain control by destabilizing you.
Inducing Guilt and Self-Doubt: It's designed to make you feel guilty, insecure, unworthy, insignificant, powerless, and unheard.
They often act as if everything is forgotten, never taking responsibility. They might say, "It's water under the bridge," "Let's move forward," or deflect with "You did XXX too." For someone striving for accountability in the relationship, this constant avoidance of responsibility and refusal to learn from behavior is a profound boundary violation. It can be deeply damaging and, if experienced systematically, is a serious warning sign.
How Does It Feel?
The silent treatment is deeply painful. The sudden, unexplained withdrawal can cause:
Confusion and Anxiety: You try to understand what you did "wrong," speculate, experience physical discomfort, and fear for the relationship’s future.
Self-Blame: You start doubting yourself, believing you’re the cause of the narcissist's silence, and overthink how to "do better" next time.
Loneliness and Isolation: You feel rejected, abandoned, powerless, and unlovable.
Damaged Reputation: During the silence, they might spread negative narratives about you, causing others to distance themselves without your understanding. This is standard behavior; the stories might surprise you.
Retaliation for Boundary Setting: Setting boundaries often triggers the silent treatment as a way for them to regroup and regain control. They likely haven’t learned anything; they're simply preparing for their next attempt at control.
Coping Strategies
Remember Your Worth: The narcissist's silence doesn’t reflect your value. It's a manipulation tactic stemming from their own unresolved issues and deep immaturity.
Set Boundaries: Communicate that you won't tolerate being ignored. Set a time limit for action if you don’t hear back and follow through consistently. Inform them afterward: “Since I didn't receive a response, as previously stated, I’ve proceeded with XXX.”
Cultivate Inner Peace: Use periods of peace to prioritize your well-being—meditate, journal, or seek therapeutic support and/or energy work.
Focus on Yourself: Nurture your interests, and cultivate relationships that support you.
Educate Yourself: Learn more about psychological abuse and narcissism to strategize effectively.
Seek Support: Talk to a friend, family member, or therapist experienced with narcissistic abuse. Not everyone will understand the psychological impact; choose your confidantes carefully.
Consider Ending Contact: If the silent treatment is a recurring pattern, distancing yourself might be essential to protect your well-being.
Resources: Dr. Ramani Durvasula, Professor Dr. Sam Vaknin and Dr. Lundy Bancroft.
