Rage and Narcissism
Narcissists often use anger and rage defensively. They struggle to handle the emotional intensity of feeling criticized, challenged, or thwarted, lashing out at others. They use aggression to intimidate, control, and discourage others from setting boundaries. The perceived criticism, even if unintentional, triggers their reaction. Be mindful of wasting energy on explanations and justifications.
Emotional Regulation (or Lack Thereof)
For narcissists, rage is a crude form of emotional regulation. Unable to process uncomfortable feelings constructively, they resort to outbursts to regain a sense of control. This gives them a fleeting feeling of power and superiority, as most people withdraw to avoid conflict.
Consequences of Narcissistic Rage
Experiencing narcissistic rage can be frightening, confusing, and traumatizing. It can create a fear of self-expression and boundary setting, leading to suppression of needs and feelings to avoid conflict. You find yourself “walking on eggshells,” constantly adapting your behavior to avoid triggering their anger.
Coping Strategies
Remember: you’re not responsible for their rage. You can't control their behavior, but you can manage your reaction through therapy and energy work. Create distance, and process the feelings of powerlessness, anger, grief, and frustration from not being understood or met when you communicate honestly and openly.
Strategies for Managing Narcissistic Rage
Set Boundaries: Clearly state that aggressive behavior is unacceptable. Disengage and leave the conversation. They might not "learn" from this, but you're protecting yourself, which is the goal.
Remain Calm: Don't be provoked. Manage your reactions and regulate your own emotional state.
Remove Yourself: If they become threatening, critical, or abusive, leave the situation.
Seek Support: Talk to a friend, family member, or therapist, but be aware that those without direct experience might not fully grasp the situation. Choosing a therapist unfamiliar with narcissistic patterns can be risky; they might inadvertently reinforce the abuse by adopting a neutral "both sides" stance.
Choose Your Confidantes Wisely: If loved ones listen but don't understand the impact on you, avoid sharing with them. A common response is, “But they’re so charming,” implying you’re overreacting. They don't see what happens behind closed doors.
Consider No Contact: Severing ties is often necessary for self-protection.
Avoid Arguing or Defending: The narcissist feeds off conflict, enjoying your distress and portraying themselves as the reasonable one. Your emotional reaction reinforces their narrative that you’re “too emotional” and “unstable." When you lose your composure and they don't, they feel superior. Don’t give them this satisfaction.
Children in Narcissistic Families
Children are particularly vulnerable. They can develop a fear of disappointing the narcissistic parent, suppressing their feelings and needs to avoid unpredictable anger. This can severely impact their self-esteem and emotional development.
Sources: Dr. Ramani Durvasula, Professor Dr. Sam Vaknin and Dr. Lundy Bancroft.
