The Power of Presence: A Journey to Relational Depth

The Relational Gap

Since the rise of equality, women have taken the lead in many areas, particularly in the development of emotional and relational maturity, while we men have lagged significantly behind. Most men aren't aware of this, but most women know exactly what I'm talking about when I write it. Women have been working on themselves, their emotions, and their relationships for decades, while the vast majority of men haven't even considered the possibility. A man might agree to go to couples therapy to avoid a breakup, but eventually the woman gives up. She realizes that she's been trying to reach him for years - but in vain.

The Shutdown

This has led to many broken relationships, because over time, the woman has felt lonely with her man. He, on the other hand, has only noticed that she's become more angry and doesn't want to have sex with him. His lack of responsibility has caused her to lose her desire for sex with him over time. Her body simply shuts down. She expects more from him and longs for him to be emotionally available. His closed-off nature, which may have initially been attractive and mysterious, is now a complete turn-off.

An Unmet Longing

We're entering an era where many women don't feel seen or met, and desperately hope to one day meet a man who can truly connect with them and see them deeper than just for their body. Their longing for a deeper connection goes unmet.

The Untapped Potential

Men's greatest untapped potential therefore lies in men working with their attention when it's directed towards women. This means working with everything that comes up in the process when they try. Because he wants her, because he loves her from the heart, and especially because he can see that it hurts inside her when he's inconsistent, pulls away, and becomes distant. He shouldn't do it out of pressure or to avoid being lonely, but because he can genuinely see the meaning in opening up.

Making a Choice

Choosing the woman and maintaining that choice over time - regardless of distractions - is crucial. Choosing her wholeheartedly is a prerequisite.

Discovering Extase

Daring to go deeper and deeper in the relationship is very difficult for us men, but over time it leads to an ecstasy with her that most men only know from the moment of orgasm - it's an ecstasy that extends throughout everyday life and makes the relationship blossom in ways he never knew existed. If I were to give men one piece of advice, it would be: See your woman and maintain your focus.

When The Conncetion Fails

When the man doesn't understand his own responsibility for his wavering attention and closes himself off, the woman loses connection with him. When she asks about him, he becomes evasive and answers briefly from his head - in short, he shuts down.

Where They Go Wrong

He doesn't know what to say because he can't feel himself and doesn't know what he would do with it if he did feel it. He may also not have made it clear what he actually wants from the relationship when he entered it. He may not have truly understood who she is in her essence. Over time, she becomes more and more angry, nagging, and eventually hard and cold, because she has taken on too much relational responsibility for years and has been overworked, she has tried to wake him up out of desperation and longing. It makes her tired "right into her bones."

The Core Problem

A lack of honesty and clear intentions about what he wants from the relationship is a core problem for many men. Men's attention flits around, and they're mostly preoccupied with everything other than seeing her and being with her, they've chosen to be in a constant state of "doing," sports, work, and checking out other women in secret. There's nothing wrong with that - it's just the starting point. The question is, do you want more?

His Task

If men spent as much time cultivating relational competence as they spend playing sports, playing computer games, and washing the car, the world would change into a completely different place. There's an unmet longing in most women that men overlook. Deep down, she longs for his undivided focus and attention.

This is where the root of many women's lack of desire for sex with him lies. Maturing in relational competence opens her up over time and means that the sex he longs for so much suddenly becomes available, and she blossoms in the light of his undivided attention.