Navigating Painful Experiences

Although it may seem unreasonable or unfair, we need to move beyond these feelings to heal from bad experiences with others—experiences that have taken hold in our bodies, hearts, and minds.

Regardless of whether we see our life experiences as gifts or burdens, sharing our pain with those who contributed to it rarely leads to genuine deep healing, unless they too are willing to embark on a journey of self-awareness and accountability for the pain they’ve helped cause. Though we may crave understanding, we often do not encounter the depth of connection we truly need.

Apologies might be made, and forgiveness extended. Changes might be promised. However, the next time we meet the person, we often find that even if the atmosphere feels improved, nothing has really shifted underneath.

Vulnerability and the Risk of Exploitation

Sometimes, the same individual slips into old habits, repeating the behaviors that caused harm in the past. In other cases, our heartfelt sharing is used against us to suggest we’re too sensitive, too intense, or too angry. Sometimes, your openness and vulnerability may also be exploited—whether through gossip behind your back or worse. Of course, with some people, our honesty can lead to genuine understanding, but for many, that kind of deep work is too daunting, and few actually commit to it.

In the worst situations, you may face a subtle insinuation that you have problems that should be handled by a psychologist. In the best case, sharing your innermost feelings can create a strong initial connection. But once the intensity subsides, it can become clear that your vulnerability comes at a cost, especially if the other person cannot handle working through their own difficult emotions. Over time, that dynamic can make the relationship increasingly painful to stay in.

Embracing Personal Responsibility

Experience has shown me that taking full responsibility for our own pain is inevitable, even if we did not cause it initially, and even if the other person is supportive. No matter how we are received, it’s a challenging but necessary journey—one that might reveal a relationship is not what we once imagined it to be. Yet if you’re met with love and acceptance in the midst of your pain—and not with withdrawal or judgment—it can greatly help you recognize and understand what hurts, fostering a healing process for both people involved.