Narcissists in Romantic Relationships
Romantic relationships with a narcissist often follow a destructive cycle of idealization, devaluation, and discard. This pattern can keep you trapped in an unhealthy and psychologically damaging relationship.
Idealization
At the beginning, the narcissist idealizes their partner:
You are seen as perfect and admired, showered with compliments and attention.
This phase is marked by intense attraction and infatuation, making you feel loved and appreciated like never before.
The narcissist uses this stage to create a powerful bond, which they later exploit.
They skillfully identify and exploit your vulnerabilities to manipulate you into providing the admiration and attention they crave.
Devaluation
Once the narcissist feels they have “secured” you, devaluation begins:
The perfect facade crumbles. Criticism, blame, and put-downs become common.
Qualities initially idealized are now ridiculed or mocked, making you feel inadequate.
Manipulation tactics, including gaslighting (making you doubt your perceptions and memory), become prevalent.
You experience increasing confusion, diminishing self-worth, and question your judgment.
The narcissist might employ the silent treatment or rage as punishment and control.
You might find yourself constantly fighting to regain the initial “love” and approval, further draining you emotionally.
Discard
When the narcissist no longer feels you’re meeting their needs for admiration and attention, they move to the discard phase:
They may abruptly end the relationship without explanation or find a new partner to idealize.
You're left emotionally confused, hurt, and exhausted.
Understanding what happened can be difficult, and recovery takes time.
Important Points
This cycle is NOT your fault. The narcissist's behavior stems from their personality disorder; they're incapable of healthy, equal relationships. Leaving a narcissist is challenging due to their manipulative skills. However, remember: you deserve a relationship free from manipulation and abuse.
Resources for further study: Dr. Ramani Durvasula and Professor Dr. Sam Vaknin.
