Explaining Yourself and Narcissism
When dealing with a narcissist, avoid getting drawn into discussions and explanations. This advice stems from understanding their manipulative behavior patterns, defense mechanisms, and how they drain your energy. Narcissists thrive on conflict and drama, using twisted arguments to maintain control and reinforce their self-image of infallibility. They are rarely genuinely interested in dialogue or understanding your perspective, despite appearances. Sadly, this realization often comes too late.
A Waste of Energy
Explaining yourself to a narcissist is a waste of energy. They’ll often distort your words, manipulating the situation to their advantage, leading to self-doubt (gaslighting). They use gaslighting to deny their actions, making you feel confused and insecure. Even minor details can be twisted, creating immense frustration and powerlessness.
Discussions provide the narcissist with "supply"—attention and emotional reactions. They drain your energy while you defend yourself. Self-preservation requires resisting their game. This is easier said than done, but it’s possible to permanently disentangle yourself from their influence.
Strategies for Avoiding Discussions and Explanations
Grey Rocking: Become “uninteresting” by giving short, neutral answers, minimizing eye contact, and remaining emotionally detached.
Set Clear Boundaries: Communicate your limits directly and consistently.
Remove Yourself: If an argument starts, disengage physically. Say, “I won’t discuss this” or “I need to leave,” and walk away.
Focus on Your Needs: Prioritize your well-being instead of being consumed by their drama.
Address Your Need to Explain: Therapy and energy work can help you overcome the urge to justify yourself to the narcissist.
Dealing with a narcissist is challenging, but minimizing discussions reduces conflict, protects your energy, and preserves your mental health. A helpful phrase is, "I won't take that on board," ending the conversation. Stop yourself whenever you start explaining. Withdraw from the discussion (or email exchange), ignoring everything except essential matters. Let the rest go.
Valuable resources: Dr. Ramani Durvasula, Professor Dr. Sam Vaknin and Dr. Lundy Bancroft.
