Divorce, Children, and Narcissism
During divorce, a narcissist may weaponize children against the other parent. They appear outwardly concerned about the child's welfare, but their focus is often on their own needs and how the child serves them. This is difficult for outsiders to detect, as they're charming and say all the right things. The child is only relevant as long as they fit the narcissist's desires and self-narrative.
Protecting Children
Inform Children (Without Demonizing): Explain that the narcissistic parent has a behavioral problem, not that they are inherently bad. Say, for example, "Sometimes Mom/Dad acts this way—I know, and it can be hard," or "I understand you’re upset that you don’t feel heard. That must be difficult." Avoid labeling them a narcissist or escalating drama. Projecting calmness is essential. Children deserve to love both parents; don’t interfere, even if painful to witness.
Validate Their Experiences: Listen to your children’s concerns, acknowledging their feelings. Help them articulate their unmet needs without interrogating or escalating the conflict. Be neutral and avoid excessive questioning. Let them come to you.
Set Boundaries (and Model Them): Shield children from manipulation and control whenever possible. Create stability and control in your home to provide respite. Your strategy: "We do things this way at our house, and it's okay things are different at your other parent’s house. I expect this to be respected." Share as little as possible with the narcissistic parent.
Limiting Contact
In some cases, limiting contact with the narcissistic parent might be necessary. Prioritize the child’s well-being, ensuring they have support for developing independence and setting healthy boundaries, particularly if they are experiencing gaslighting. Help them identify and articulate their needs and maintain their boundaries, even when challenged.
Dividing Responsibilities
If necessary, divide responsibilities like phone calls, activities, social events, gifts, clothing, etc. Duplicating items might be necessary, which increases costs.
Accept Unequal Financial Contributions: Expect unfairness regarding expenses. Narcissists often don't reciprocate shared costs. Choose your battles.
Create a Safe Zone: Your home should be a haven, free from parental conflict and your emotional reactions towards the narcissist. Seek support for processing your emotions and offer your children a sense of stability.
Separate Allowances: Separate allowances can be helpful if the narcissist monitors and criticizes the child's spending in your care.
Limiting Phone Use (Cautiously): Briefly blocking the other parent might be necessary if constant contact causes the child undue stress. Use this sparingly as it may provoke anger. Don't initiate this unless it’s a significant problem.
Other Practical Steps
Arrange handovers at school.
Establish written agreements (through official channels) for transfer times, including holidays and birthdays.
Minimize direct contact during exchanges to reduce conflict exposure.
Formalize agreements about handling illnesses and who makes decisions about the child’s health.
Minimize the narcissist's access to your children in your care. Don’t feel pressured to participate in joint events for "the children’s sake." Explain to the children (and authorities if necessary) that due to the high conflict level, separate events are best. The narcissist may not accept this, but it’s often understood by children.
Valuable resources: Dr. Ramani Durvasula, Professor Dr. Sam Vaknin and Dr. Lundy Bancroft.
